AmyCarol
Apr 25, 2011
Writing Feedback / The Advantages And Disadvantages Of The Internet. Addiction? [5]
Hello,
When you begin your introductory paragraph (or any paragraphs, for that matter) remember to indent ;')
When you begin your opening it reads "Now days," when it should read "Nowadays," and when it reads "we face to many" it should read "we face too many."
I'll try to continue corrections in a different structure, I'm not too familiar with this stuff.
...different program (should read progams [plural]) that mass media shows (produces [they not only "show" they create) such as TV (television),Radio (no need for capitalization),Internet (no need for cap.),(etc...)..we envisage with not only (instead of "with not only," "through not only") advertisement(propaganda) (I suggest taking out "advertisement" and just replace with "propaganda") but also increasing development in (of) tools & methods (instead of "tools & methods," "technology") to easier access on the internet,such as ipad,notebook & Etc.(try taking out everything from "such" till the end of this sentence, it makes your point unclear, you're should focus on clarifying that the technology which the mass media uses their propaganda techiniques if increasing.)
one (should capitalize) of the considerable mass media is internet (I'm not quite sure what the rest of the first sentence means to attempt to clarify). as (should cap.) far as we know everything can have advantages or disadvantages (this is a claim, "as far as we know... disadvantages and advantages," however, there is no concrete evidence [research, studies]), so the internet is not except (instead of "not except," try "not an exception"), users of internet (which is everyone, but how many are addicted? exactly how easily can one become addicted, and what exactly can one become addicted to? can this addiction range from child videogames to pornography? Be more precise. Try to cite studies, technological advancements in general are often studied) could easily (become computer/internet) addicts with (by) surfing without aim purpose (is it really dangerous for one to surf the internet w/o purpose, and if so, how susceptible are we to these addictions? Elaborate.) or playing game (games, plural) on the internet & (never ampersand [&] in an essay [grammatically incorrect], just replace "&" w/ "and") it is really baneful (hmm, harmful?, regardless, this is a claim, "it is really harmful" and you support this w/ "because they waste their time and don't do homework," however, surfing the internet is harmful because teenagers waste their time? To some teenagers [or anyone w/ internet access for this matter] not completing their homework may not be a waste of time, so your evidence for your claim is an opinion which is not concrete or objective and, therefore, is incorrect) for teenagers,adults, because they waste their time and don't do homework.
furthermore (capitalize), the other thing (replace "the other thing" w/ "another issue," to clarify) that we are encounter is (the) abusing (abuse) of information. (The) Majority (un-capitalize) of the students just go to the (a) website and even without read (reading) the whole of article(the full amount of information [remember, your talking about abuse of info., not articles in particular}) ,justdrag part of it and copy-paste on the paper and submit it as their own homework,that is a kind of plagiarism and it is illegal. (they plagiarize, and this is illegal [no "kind" of plagiarism is legal].)
Now, about the content of this paragraph, you have a concrete topic sentence, the abuse of information (since technological advancements have made information so accessible.) However, toward the end when you begin with the whole the "majority" of students plagiarize, this is a claim, which means you are proposing this as true. You are proposing that the majority of (or most) students plagiarize. Now, I doubt this, and a reader shouldn't be in question of a claim because their should be evidence following, such as a study or statistics, which are usually the most concrete of evidence if properly cited. You need to do this otherwise your claim is invalid, look for studies of the percentages of students who plagiarize. Incorporate this into your topic sentence to create a stronger, valid claim.
Now, for the next ;')
In the other hand However, internet (as well as other technology such as television and radio connection, as you previously mentioned) can improve communication among the people of all world,(space)and provided (provide) the easiest way (most conveniant way) for people live faraway (long distances apart) from their relatives (or close friends, for this matter),as well as for poor people who can't afford ticket for long way to visiting their relatives & for busy students,busy employees as well(those who cannot afford alternative methods of communication such as travel [as this incorporates busy students, and employees]). Internet (The use of the internet) could benefit for them (coudn't internet usage benefit all who use it rather than just those who are "busy?" Infact, internet usage could provide those with extra time to become busy with volunteering and such, and those who are busy to become less hectic. Elaborate.) cause (since) they can communicate with their relatives (or family, or boss, or whoever) by using voice chat,webcam, emails (textual, visual, or audio-communication)(end sentence.) morever (capitalize) they could saving (save) time,saving time is more valuable specially for students (which is beneficial.) the (capitalize) students (or anybody in the academic field) of this century(currently) by searching on the internet library could(can, through internet usage) find (locate) the books that need (they need) in a(space)few (how much is "a few?" inaccurate measure of time, keep to saying shorter, lesser, and such) minutes, years of ago students at least had to spend 2 hours for finding the book in library! -- Now, after "minutes" what you say is not technically factual and you provide no evidence, therefore, you should just say it's easier to locate books now then it was before through internet usage, because this is easier for the reader to except as true, since not everybody had to literally spend ATLEAST two hours locating a book before internet usage.
internet (capital) is (a) source of many different kind of information (other sources of information), that information is benefit for researcher & student (which is beneficial to anyone (even those who do not directly use the internet can benefit from information easily gathered through online sources)(end sentence). the (capital) (correct) classification of scientific information is the way (productive) for faster analysis & (of) comparative (data). it is really improve the scientific development.anyhow (Nonetheless) in my mind (this isn't about your mind) internet (usage) has more advantages than disadvantages(no need for elipsis.)
as (cap.) a result the best way to prevent the addiction on internet (internet addiction) is (to) determine (a) particular (amount of) time for surfing (define "surfing" for the reader, to clarify) ,chat ,and the other time would allocate for other activity such as sport,studing (studying),communication in real world (unclear). -- Now, how does one determine these times? What if these determined times are inconvienant for the previously mentioned "busy student?" Consider these things. Also, are some things not worth pre-determining such as viewing movies or pornography that would otherwise be hard to find? Elaborate...
cause (since being) addicted on the internet (internet-addicted) make increase(s, plural) virtual communication between people who do not know each other (define "know" through internet communicate. Say, how long do two have to textually chat before they "know" each other? Or do they have to Skype for X amount of hourse before they know each other? It's difficult to define "know"ing someone through internet usage, which is part of the controversy. Address as many of these as possible to clarify,) and sometimes it (unknown sexual predators? clarify "it") is threaten(ing) kids,teenagers (what about full-grown men? what about middle-aged woman? Unknown predators are generally a threat to anyone, however, primarily, those who are younger and lack more knowledge of safe "surfing").thus,(cap.) the parents (or whoever is their authority?) have to control (by setting predeterminded times to prevent addiction which may lead to communication with unknown predators?) their child to prevent not only for probably threaten (violence) but also addiction on the internet (which may lead to violence?).
Toward your conclusion your thoughts and logical arguments become unclear which I attempt to clarify with questions. Now, beyond grammatical errors, try to improve your thoughts to become cohesive and logical so the reader can follow your persuasion without question, as you should answer these. However, you have very many valid points that, I'm sure once you structure better, will become even better and easily to follow. Good luck ;')
Hello,
When you begin your introductory paragraph (or any paragraphs, for that matter) remember to indent ;')
When you begin your opening it reads "Now days," when it should read "Nowadays," and when it reads "we face to many" it should read "we face too many."
I'll try to continue corrections in a different structure, I'm not too familiar with this stuff.
...different program (should read progams [plural]) that mass media shows (produces [they not only "show" they create) such as TV (television),Radio (no need for capitalization),Internet (no need for cap.),(etc...)..we envisage with not only (instead of "with not only," "through not only") advertisement(propaganda) (I suggest taking out "advertisement" and just replace with "propaganda") but also increasing development in (of) tools & methods (instead of "tools & methods," "technology") to easier access on the internet,such as ipad,notebook & Etc.(try taking out everything from "such" till the end of this sentence, it makes your point unclear, you're should focus on clarifying that the technology which the mass media uses their propaganda techiniques if increasing.)
one (should capitalize) of the considerable mass media is internet (I'm not quite sure what the rest of the first sentence means to attempt to clarify). as (should cap.) far as we know everything can have advantages or disadvantages (this is a claim, "as far as we know... disadvantages and advantages," however, there is no concrete evidence [research, studies]), so the internet is not except (instead of "not except," try "not an exception"), users of internet (which is everyone, but how many are addicted? exactly how easily can one become addicted, and what exactly can one become addicted to? can this addiction range from child videogames to pornography? Be more precise. Try to cite studies, technological advancements in general are often studied) could easily (become computer/internet) addicts with (by) surfing without aim purpose (is it really dangerous for one to surf the internet w/o purpose, and if so, how susceptible are we to these addictions? Elaborate.) or playing game (games, plural) on the internet & (never ampersand [&] in an essay [grammatically incorrect], just replace "&" w/ "and") it is really baneful (hmm, harmful?, regardless, this is a claim, "it is really harmful" and you support this w/ "because they waste their time and don't do homework," however, surfing the internet is harmful because teenagers waste their time? To some teenagers [or anyone w/ internet access for this matter] not completing their homework may not be a waste of time, so your evidence for your claim is an opinion which is not concrete or objective and, therefore, is incorrect) for teenagers,adults, because they waste their time and don't do homework.
furthermore (capitalize), the other thing (replace "the other thing" w/ "another issue," to clarify) that we are encounter is (the) abusing (abuse) of information. (The) Majority (un-capitalize) of the students just go to the (a) website and even without read (reading) the whole of article(the full amount of information [remember, your talking about abuse of info., not articles in particular}) ,justdrag part of it and copy-paste on the paper and submit it as their own homework,that is a kind of plagiarism and it is illegal. (they plagiarize, and this is illegal [no "kind" of plagiarism is legal].)
Now, about the content of this paragraph, you have a concrete topic sentence, the abuse of information (since technological advancements have made information so accessible.) However, toward the end when you begin with the whole the "majority" of students plagiarize, this is a claim, which means you are proposing this as true. You are proposing that the majority of (or most) students plagiarize. Now, I doubt this, and a reader shouldn't be in question of a claim because their should be evidence following, such as a study or statistics, which are usually the most concrete of evidence if properly cited. You need to do this otherwise your claim is invalid, look for studies of the percentages of students who plagiarize. Incorporate this into your topic sentence to create a stronger, valid claim.
Now, for the next ;')
In the other hand However, internet (as well as other technology such as television and radio connection, as you previously mentioned) can improve communication among the people of all world,(space)and provided (provide) the easiest way (most conveniant way) for people live faraway (long distances apart) from their relatives (or close friends, for this matter),as well as for poor people who can't afford ticket for long way to visiting their relatives & for busy students,busy employees as well(those who cannot afford alternative methods of communication such as travel [as this incorporates busy students, and employees]). Internet (The use of the internet) could benefit for them (coudn't internet usage benefit all who use it rather than just those who are "busy?" Infact, internet usage could provide those with extra time to become busy with volunteering and such, and those who are busy to become less hectic. Elaborate.) cause (since) they can communicate with their relatives (or family, or boss, or whoever) by using voice chat,webcam, emails (textual, visual, or audio-communication)(end sentence.) morever (capitalize) they could saving (save) time,saving time is more valuable specially for students (which is beneficial.) the (capitalize) students (or anybody in the academic field) of this century(currently) by searching on the internet library could(can, through internet usage) find (locate) the books that need (they need) in a(space)few (how much is "a few?" inaccurate measure of time, keep to saying shorter, lesser, and such) minutes, years of ago students at least had to spend 2 hours for finding the book in library! -- Now, after "minutes" what you say is not technically factual and you provide no evidence, therefore, you should just say it's easier to locate books now then it was before through internet usage, because this is easier for the reader to except as true, since not everybody had to literally spend ATLEAST two hours locating a book before internet usage.
internet (capital) is (a) source of many different kind of information (other sources of information), that information is benefit for researcher & student (which is beneficial to anyone (even those who do not directly use the internet can benefit from information easily gathered through online sources)(end sentence). the (capital) (correct) classification of scientific information is the way (productive) for faster analysis & (of) comparative (data). it is really improve the scientific development.anyhow (Nonetheless) in my mind (this isn't about your mind) internet (usage) has more advantages than disadvantages(no need for elipsis.)
as (cap.) a result the best way to prevent the addiction on internet (internet addiction) is (to) determine (a) particular (amount of) time for surfing (define "surfing" for the reader, to clarify) ,chat ,and the other time would allocate for other activity such as sport,studing (studying),communication in real world (unclear). -- Now, how does one determine these times? What if these determined times are inconvienant for the previously mentioned "busy student?" Consider these things. Also, are some things not worth pre-determining such as viewing movies or pornography that would otherwise be hard to find? Elaborate...
cause (since being) addicted on the internet (internet-addicted) make increase(s, plural) virtual communication between people who do not know each other (define "know" through internet communicate. Say, how long do two have to textually chat before they "know" each other? Or do they have to Skype for X amount of hourse before they know each other? It's difficult to define "know"ing someone through internet usage, which is part of the controversy. Address as many of these as possible to clarify,) and sometimes it (unknown sexual predators? clarify "it") is threaten(ing) kids,teenagers (what about full-grown men? what about middle-aged woman? Unknown predators are generally a threat to anyone, however, primarily, those who are younger and lack more knowledge of safe "surfing").thus,(cap.) the parents (or whoever is their authority?) have to control (by setting predeterminded times to prevent addiction which may lead to communication with unknown predators?) their child to prevent not only for probably threaten (violence) but also addiction on the internet (which may lead to violence?).
Toward your conclusion your thoughts and logical arguments become unclear which I attempt to clarify with questions. Now, beyond grammatical errors, try to improve your thoughts to become cohesive and logical so the reader can follow your persuasion without question, as you should answer these. However, you have very many valid points that, I'm sure once you structure better, will become even better and easily to follow. Good luck ;')
