Undergraduate / Blindly follow criticisms without evidence? ;Stanford-Intellectual Vitallity [12]


*worship


It's cool though.

Undergraduate / 'the ethics of CC are instilled in me' - Colorado College Supplement [2]

What do you want feedback on?

Things I noticed reading it only twice:
Lots of passive voice, which makes your writing less interesting (i.e. overuse of "am", "is", "are", "was", "were", "be", "being", "been", etc.).


It would probably be best if you didn't abbreviate the name of the college you're applying to. Also, this phrase seems awkward and could probably be reworded better.


This might not be the best reason in the eyes of a college. Maybe you should explain in which ways your father and the school were a good fit first, and then how you and your father are similar after, and include this sentence at the end. Make sure that you identify the school as part of the reason why your father is someone you admire. It would also be better if didn't start the sentence with "but" as it is a conjunction. The sentence is better without this first word.

Undergraduate / 'art and science, programming' - Common App short writing [8]

Finding new approaches to solving problems using specialized algorithms and formal logic further disciplined me into this world of technology.
I was trying to say that the 'world of technology' controls my life.
These two thoughts don't really match, and I still don't know why or how you would explain that a world of technology "controls" your life.

Do you mean that computers dictate your every move with an algorithm? Do you mean that you think of everything in some programming mindset?
Your original sentence uses details about programming well though.

I'm opposed to writing a sentence for you as it would be my sentence and couldn't possibly represent you correctly.

Writing Feedback / 'malicious yet popular food items' - Persuasive Essay- AP Language and Composition [5]

If you're looking for emotion, just think about all of the kids suffering with weight problems and negative body image.
Or the shame of the kids when they don't know how to eat anything but what's bad for them, and the disgust of others who have to put up with their eating habits. As for the writing itself, we'll talk when you have something finished.

Undergraduate / 'art and science, programming' - Common App short writing [8]

Pretty good, but has some awkward phrasings. I've quoted the ones I think you should change since I couldn't understand them or they sounded strange.

A lot of these sentences could also be reworked to combat passive voice.
Finally, using fewer pronouns will make your writing much clearer, as there are places where you don't use them effectively.


What are you trying to say here?


try, "A combination of both science and art, programming satisfies my creativity."
A net 5 character loss, enough for an adjective anywhere you want.


could be said better as, "Different laws govern the world of programming."
But what significance does that have anyways? Make it say something about you or reallocate those characters to a more useful purpose.


What idea? You talk about "this idea" but you haven't introduced it, so I have no idea which one it is.

These are the things I noticed after my second reading.

Undergraduate / 'Your Shoes Can Take You Nowhere' - Personal Statement [2]

The ideas I gleaned from this essay about you:
- You feel motivated to succeed academically.
- You are focused on achieving this goal, and are willing to ignore outside criticism, taunts, and your outward appearance in the goal's pursuit.
- Expensive shoes were once beyond your means.
- Your drive and intellect allowed you to skip a grade.

If these are the things you meant to convey, then your essay is good, but could be improved by mentioning these traits more explicitly and by making clearer connections between your anecdote and your message about yourself. For example, why were your shoes not only "uncool" but also "dirt encrusted"? What do you mean you have yellow skin? Why do you mention it but don't explain or talk about it at all?

Also, Adidas is the spelling you're looking for.

Undergraduate / "Old Farms Road" - williams - you're looking out a window at an environment [4]

"Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words."

For anyone else reading, that's the prompt this was written from.


Try omitting this sentence for 8 words,


(this is 36 words)

combining these sentences to shorten them (e.g. "The team coach's daughter played the same position as I did and chose her over me.") for another 20 or so words,


(70 words)

and combining some of these well (e.g. "The frustrating disappointment of not making the 'A' team did not keep me from playing however, and I continued to love and enjoy soccer with a team that turned out to have been the best teams soccer could have given me. When I imagine a look out the car window while driving on Old Farms Road, I can see the fields where I chased my passion.") for another reduction (bad example sentence I guess, only four words less).


I don't really understand this sentence though.

Good luck with the rest of your resizing process.

Undergraduate / "My eighth grade history teacher" - common app on a person who has influenced me [3]


The first sentence of your opening statement gave me the impression that you had an awful teacher, but the second sentence made me wonder if you were saying bad things. It stood out well enough, but maybe not for the right reasons. You explained afterward quite nicely, but the opening made me nervous. Maybe you want to say the second sentence in a way that paints you as more eager since that comes out well later on, and the first sentence in a way that paints your teacher as unsatisfied with your participation, rather than unreceptive or indifferent. I'm struggling to think of a better sentence though, since I have had many a teacher like that and it drives me crazy. Anyways,


this seems like a good place to expand on the teachers' influence. It would be great to hear about what types of things your teacher taught that stuck with you, or what it is that made you come to respect his final lesson on listening.


You should also talk about how this lesson has shaped your class participation since, and maybe how it will affect your performance at whatever school you plan on sending this to. This will vary between schools though, so be thoughtful if you do so.


Also, I like your closing sentence, but saying that one has talked enough for ten kids their size feels awkward as it invites me as a reader to wonder about your size and what you think it has to do with levels of participation. The "my size" part should be omitted.