Undergraduate / 'As a young Asian American' world you come from and how it shaped the person you are [2]

As I grew, I did not become the traditional by-product of who my parents were intending to create through their traditional parenting. ...I did not become the by-product of this traditional upbringing, as my parents had intended.

Even though I have not become the person my parents intended to create You are repeating yourself here.

My unwillingness became resent toward my parents and it lead to an aggregated decline in school performance. My unwillingness to study and overachieve led to resentment toward my parents...

Thomas, how did you change so much. You were such a modeled student." ...change so much? You were such a model student.

Outside of classrooms, I began to surround myself with friends who were bad influences. Outside of the classroom, I became surrounded with friends who were a bad influence.

I had never thought of the future for myself. You could say: I had never imagined what my future would be like.

I was being selfish to myself and I knew I had to change. remove "to myself"

I like your story, it is inspiring and shows how important a parent's role is in education for their child.

Writing Feedback / Some movies are serious, designed to make the audience think. Other movies are not. [4]

Some people like movies which are serious, but others prefer some ones, which are amusing and entertaining.
Another way you could say this: Some people prefer serious movies <also could be called deep, dramatic, thriller> while others enjoy watching a movie that is simple and straightforward. <comedies, for example>

The second paragraph needs to "grab" the readers attention a little more. I would describe how a serious movie makes you feel as you are watching it. Explain how you may feel like you are "in" the movie, because your mind is so involved in the plot, scenery, characters, storyline, all anticipating how the ending will turn out. A serious movie normally gets the viewer to somehow "relate" to the characters/situation.

After this, you can continue saying what is in the 2nd paragraph, explaining how movie-watching inspires people's everyday lives.

People may find a better job, or doing their works better because the new view which comes from those movies brings them new aptitudes.
Simplify: Movies inspire new ideas and thoughts, which could give people the motivation to do better in life.

Also, movies take people from their mundane, boring day into another world and environment, a form of escape for some people.

Also, many people enjoy watching serious movies because they must think for understanding movies' purposes. For instance, people see a movie which is a comic one; nevertheless, this movie lies among serious movies, and people get pleasure when their watch it beside their family or friends.

These 2 sentences need work, they are hard to read.

Essays / An electrical course evaluation - Help in writing english [3]

b. Describe where you went wrong.

Tell the reader why the question or problem was difficult for you. How did you make a mistake when answering the question?

ii. What about the problem could have helped you organize the correct response? (i.e., what did you miss the first time)

When you made the mistake, exactly what did you miss that may have led you to correctly answer?

c. What misconceptions did you have? After reviewing the problem - did you uncover misconceptions in your understanding of the problem itself, the underlying concepts,

or your approach to the problem? Are there aspects of this problem that are still unclear to you? Describe.

Did you see the problem as something different than it really was? For example: "I had some misconceptions about this question, I found ____ to be confusing and beyond my comprehension. I would again state what you did not understand about the problem. Did you make a specific error during your problem-solving?

d. How would you study for this kind of problem in the future?

I could have better prepared for this question by _____ Is there a topic, system, or information that could help you in the future?

Undergraduate / 'busy bakery and catering business' - work extracurricular CommonApp [2]

My first five days of training was comfortable and easy but before I could take off the training wheels, I was slammed.
First tell the reader you were training at a deli/ bakery business. Then expand on how you felt about being overwhelmed with the workload, I'm sure everyone can relate to your experience.

That month and a half of graduation season, I treated is as my initiation to the deceitfully small but busy bakery and catering business my boss Maria ran.

Not so sure if initiation is the best word you could use here. Also you might want to say "...business run by my boss Maria." Describing Maria a bit in this paragraph is nicely done.

This work ethic is applies to different areas of my life; work, studies and family.
You say "work ethic" twice in the final paragraph. I would make your final sentence less generic, it sounds a little plain.

Undergraduate / "Flight 326 departing in 10 minutes" - UF APP [2]

Your first few sentences are very descriptive, and effectively paint a visual image.
The beginning, however, needs to get to the point after this, to keep the reader interested. Also this connects the beginning to your final paragraph, and allows the paper to "flow".

Although not unexpected, I refuse to grasp the concept that I will never be reunited with the community that has given me the best years of my life up until now, leaving me in emotional turmoil and dismay.

This sentence is quite long, perhaps you could split it into two shorter ones.

From Alaska to Germany
It is unclear what you mean here exactly, I assume these are different places you have lived, but I would elaborate.

has given me a remarkable affinity for adaption

has made me quite adaptable.

It seems you are an inspiration to others, as your travels have taught you a lot about the world, this essay shows your true colors.

Undergraduate / UChicago Short Answer Questions "Why Chicago?" + "Favorite Music: Soundtracks" [2]

In the first essay I can tell these things about your personality: That campus life excites you, you get good grades, you are indecisive when choosing classes, and you have a "passion for knowledge."

That letter fulfilled all three
Maybe you should use some other word than fulfilled? "Reflected" perhaps?

The second essay is well done, has a good flow and is descriptive.
Your writing skills are great and it is evident in these essays.

When I watch a movie, game, TV show, or even commercial that moves me my very next step is to Google the soundtrack
This sentence sounds a little wordy.

Undergraduate / 'obsessed with everything fashion' - F.I.T - Fashion Merchandising Managment [3]

Your grammar needs a little cleaning up, especially the first paragraph.

If you can, try to elaborate a little more on your fashion experience in high
school, this is definitely the heart of the essay.

The third paragraph also has some grammatical errors.

I feel as though F.I.T is the perfect school for me not only for the great reputation that it has but because of what it has to offer to it's students

This sentence could be made easier to read.

If I were to get accepted into F.I.T's Fashion Merchandising Managment program I would bring the fact that im a hard worker, great listener, creativty, my ambtious attitude. I also get along well with others.

Expand on these qualities in an additional sentence.

I like the way you mention aspiring to your mother's position, it adds character to the paper.

Writing Feedback / Mothers have and will always impact our lives [3]

You paint a detailed picture of your home life as a child. I love the way you explain why your mother is a hero to you. This shows the reader you have a great appreciation for your family. I would change "no matter what, the circumstances are" to "regardless of the circumstance". The final sentence effectively wraps things up, although it is a little too long. Your essay proves that you were raised with care, morals, and love, which has shaped your personality and life. I believe this is an excellent and captivating story.

Undergraduate / veterinary medicine -VT Essay - the five top reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech [5]

I will try to help with making your essay a little shorter. Try: "I am the youngest of seven children, and my home is only two hours away from the campus, so being close to family is vital." Add a comma after "game this fall" Also, you could say, "I had a sense of belonging that overwhelmed me." Maybe say "Athletics create a bond among students and the Hokie nation, and it is invigorating!" "Even though that was my first experience at a college football game"-- You could shorten this. "Since my first college football game..." It is apparent that you are very enthusiastic, and you seem very motivated. This essay touches on your values as a person and a student, the reasons are all there, without sounding "choppy" or disjointed.

Undergraduate / 'the determination and curiosity to study the brain' - UW-Madison personal statement [2]

The sentence that begins "I definitely see myself..." is a bit too long. Also "I strongly intend..." is a little long. You could split up these sentences into a few shorter ones, to make it easier for the reader to follow. "My activities..." I would say "My past and current activities are due to my enthusiasm for..." perhaps. The sentence that begins "My interests..." change 'considering' to 'consider'. Say in a separate sentence how you are especially interested in Parkinson's, etc. I love the 2nd to last paragraph, it makes me sense your personality! The final paragraph is fantastic. Overall, you got your message across in a very mature and interesting manner.