Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by nebadezzar
Joined: Aug 2, 2011
Last Post: Aug 5, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 4  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
nebadezzar   
Aug 5, 2011
Undergraduate / "my band experience" - UC: personal quality and talent (draft) [4]

you still have a few grammar mistakes haha

"...I went to friend's revival service" -- change too "...I went to my friend's revival service"
"We were just a bunch of teenagers who just recently start playing instrument" -- "instrument" should be plural so change to "instruments"

"I learn to be productive and hardworking" -- "learn" should be past tense, so "learned"
"Through my band experience, I learn to take responsibility not only for myself but for the others too. I learn to be productive and hardworking." "learn" should be past tense, in both sentences.

Other than that, your essay answers the prompt nicely. You might want to elaborate a bit more on how the experience reflects who you are.
nebadezzar   
Aug 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "figure skating" - my love and passion [3]

Please be as critical as you can and do not be afraid to be harsh. Any criticism is helpful.
Thanks!!

2) Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it reflect who you are?

It was my first time and I was scared. The closer we got, the colder the air became. I clenched my parents' hands tighter than I ever had as I took that first step onto the ice. From that moment on, I started my journey as a figure skater.

I first started skating when I was five years old and I could barely stand on my two feet. But my determination to learn how to skate, motivated me to come back the next week and give it another shot. Before, I knew it I was going to the rink two to three times a day for practice. I had a real blast learning all the new spins and jumps. I then began to take the tests required to advance to the next level. Just recently actually, I passed the Senior Moves in the Field test, which I am especially ecstatic about because passing that test signified that I have completed all the other test and reached the highest level. Another aspect of figure skating I absolutely love is the competitions. I love the pounding of my heart and the surge of adrenaline flowing through my body the moments before I take the ice. What I like about the competitions is not winning a gold medal because to be honest I probably lost more than I have won. For me it is the experience of being able to compete and all the hard work I put into preparing for the competition that makes it all worthwhile. Winning is just like the icing on a cake.

I owe a great deal to figure skating. It has taken me, molded, and shaped me into the person I am today. Some of the most important lessons I have taken to heart from this sport are perseverance, patience, and thankfulness. For me, figure skating is a very difficult sport and improvement does not always come instantly. So I have definitely learned to be quite patient, persevere through all the falls, and to get back up and continue to do what I love. But above all, I am truly thankful for my ability to pursue my passion. Figure skating has also been a place of refuge for me. Whenever I encounter any personal issues, fail a test, or just feel down right depressed, all I want to do is get on the ice. Because when I step onto the ice I feel like any thing negative is sucked away and is replaced with joy. For this reason I enjoy volunteering at my local rink to teach special education kids how to skate because I hope they to can experience the delight I get when I skate.

So here is to 5 am wake up calls, the cold, hard falls, adrenaline rush, meeting new people, competitions, disappointments, joy, breaking in new skates, feeling like I cannot breathe at the end of my program, and sacrificing for my love and passion because I am a figure skater.

Word count: 499
nebadezzar   
Aug 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "my band experience" - UC: personal quality and talent (draft) [4]

Hey, you did a good first draft of this essay. i think its pretty good.

Five years ago, my dad sent me to get guitar lesson... - change the "get" to "take"
From the previous experience of getting piano lesson.... - change "getting" to "taking" (it just sounds better)
Try not to use contractions because it makes your essay seem a bit less professional.
I have created our own worship band. - get rid of "have" so it is just "i created our own worship band"

We were just bunch of teenagers... - change to "we were just a bunch of teenagers..."
It was important for me to stay prepared and productive; if I didn't I could easily ruins the whole practice.
- separate into two sentences "It was important for me to stay prepared and productive." "If i did not, i could easily ruin the whole practice."

If one band mates mess up... - "mates" should be singular, so "mate" and "mess" should be "messes"

Great start so far, good luck with the rest, and God bless.
nebadezzar   
Aug 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "Everyday I go to school and try to be a good boy" - UC common app/personal statement [3]

Hey guys this is my first draft of one of the questions. I have never written one of these before so i don't know how good it is haha. So hopefully you guys can help me out :D Please be honest and insightful.

1) Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, your community or school - and tell us how this world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Everyday I go to school and try to be a good boy. However, this was not always the case. When I was younger, as little as first grade, I would always be getting into trouble. I attended a public school in Oakland and lets just say I was definitely not a good boy. As a first grader I learned to swear, steal, and even start fights. I was in and out of detention almost every other day and yes, I was in first grade.

Now that I think back, I truly feel that I was throwing away every single opportunity that I was given to acquire a better education. This realization began to soak into my mind once I transferred to Chinese Christian Schools in sixth grade. What I enjoyed most about this school was its overwhelming atmosphere of love and compassion. My world was suddenly was filled with a plethora of teachers and friends who really cared for me and my steps towards higher education. This was the catalyst that got me to perceive the opportunities presented before me in a different light. I no longer viewed school as a waste of time, even though school can be such a bore at times, but rather the opportunity to attend such an institution was a huge blessing, in which I am sincerely grateful for. Throughout my years of middle school and high school, I sought to change my terrible life style of delinquency because it did nothing more than squander the time I had to educate myself at school. I now view school as a treasure trove of valuable opportunities, not just for education. I think it is safe to say I have fully indulged myself in as many of these opportunities as I could, from numerous clubs to multiple sports. School is my world, and it has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. For me, it is an indescribable feeling of thankfulness in knowing that coming to Chinese Christian Schools was what it took to change my mindset from wanting to cause trouble to that of gratitude and appreciation for attending school. However, I have not become a dull school kid. I still enjoy pulling a few pranks every once an awhile, but only for some harmless fun.

Ultimately, the attitude I had for my world of school has had a definite influence on other aspects of my life, including my dreams and aspirations. I am a competitive figure skater and one day I dream to represent the United States in the Winter Olympics. The outlook I have for school can be directly transcribed towards the view I have for figure skating. Whenever I take that first glide onto the smooth glassy ice surface I think to myself, "man I am so blessed to have physical ability and opportunity to pursue such a beautiful sport." The fact that I know how fortunate I am to be a figure skate is enough motivation and encouragement to push me to strive to be the very best I can. And hopefully someday my dream will come true.

word count: 518
nebadezzar   
Aug 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS - the arguments for and against keeping pets [4]

Hi there!!
I think you have a good start right here but there is a lot to work on. First, i hate to say it but your essay is a bit unorganized and does not fully answer the prompt. I think you should re-write it. But before you do i think you should outline your thoughts first so your essay will be organized and flow. Lets start off with the outline.

I.Intro
- try starting off with your experience with pets
- next is your thesis, which states whether you think keeping pets is good/bad
II. Body paragraph 1
- in this paragraph you want to have some specific examples/evidence to support your thesis.
- Then try to elaborate on your example/evidence, explain how it relates to your thesis.
III. Body paragraph 2
- do the same thing as you did in body paragraph 1, except use another specific example/evidence.
- then try to elaborate/explain how it relates or supports your thesis.
IV. Body paragraph 3
- Repeat what you did in body paragraphs 1 and 2.
- in this paragraph you have the option to qualify or talk about the opposite side of what you are arguing for. so if you say pets are bad, you can talk about some of the good things about pets in this paragraph. but remember, the side you are supporting must be stronger than the opposing side.

V. Conclusion.
- Now what you want to do is sum up all your thoughts and add any last words before you end your essay.
- do not add new examples/evidence in this paragraph.
- and if possible try to end your conclusion so that it refers back to the thesis.

I really hope this helped, i think you have a lot of good ideas, you just need to put them together in a nicely organized essay. also always proof read and try to fix any grammar errors. Good Luck!!! :D