Undergraduate / Volunteerism: Working in an Orphanage - Common App Essay [3]

I heard them all calling me at once: "Akka, akka, guess what I want to be?"

As the children came to a hush hushed , Manasa put her arm down and answered my question with a wide smile across her face. "I want to be a doctor, akka," she said slowly, "because I want to save lives and make my parents in heaven happy."

For five weeks, I worked at the Chinmaya Vijaya All-Girls Orphanage in Guntur, India, as a part-time caretaker and tutor. I taught during study hours every day from 5:30 to 6:30 in the morningand fromto 6:30 to 8:30 at night . -- flows better

And I also remember the satisfactory grins of the older girls when they finally understood the abacus system of numbers and counting.

They were teeming with questions and curiosities, and constantly bombarding me with their inquiries. Their passion to always learn was prominent, and it drove them forward as students.

What used to be a hundred and five strangers soon became a family to me. What used to be a mere teacher-student relationship quickly transformed into a sister-sister relationship, as I shortly found myself looking upon all one hundred five girls as my own siblings. We shared laughter when we were together and tears when we had to part. -- ordinarily it would be fine to say "were to part," but in this instance, readers may think that you instead meant to say "were apart"

The bond I created with these peoplegirlsis one that I will always carry with me.

As I walked away from the orphanage in July, I began to question my outlook on life. Why are these girls in India, who have nothing but cracked cricket bats, always laughing and smiling, while my friends and I, with our comfortable houses, video game consoles, and computers, are always wishing to have more?

Why did I never see them shed a tear about their heart-wrenching pasts, when I often find myself upset over trifling matters?

They never took anything for granted; they happily played outside with rubber balls, bent hula hoops, and crumbling pieces of chalk. They found the greatest joy playing with rocks in the middle of the road under the blazing Vijayawada sun, inventing complex games every day. They ate their meals without wasting food because they cherished the luxury of being given meals every day . -- somewhat redundant (look at the end of the previous sentence)

Although I was the tutor at the orphanage, I was taught a very important lesson from these hundred and five girls:Happiness is about how one interprets what is in front of him or her. It is how proud one is of the way one lives his or her life and how willing he is to enjoy simple pleasures, even if things are not perfect. -- this can be more clearly stated by matching pronoun usage (consistently using one, his or her, or you... BUT NOT ALL THREE!)... the easiest way of doing this would be to make the subject plural

I have not always done this well, but from now on From the relationships I have built with the girls from the orphanage, I now choose to focus on the good-both in the world and in myself. And that is something that no one can ever take from me. -- more emphatic ending

This was a great essay! It really captured how passionate you are about your volunteer work at the Indian orphanage and demonstrated the strength of the bonds that you forged with the children. I would really appreciate it if you provided feedback for my essays!

Undergraduate / Essay about running - too cliche? (common app - choose any topic) [4]

You did very well using descriptive language in your essay, but unfortunately, colleges will want to read about more than just how being picked on during your adolescence made you want to become physically fit, which, in turn, fostered a love for running (or at least that is what I presume you were trying to get across). Keep some of the descriptive language, but focus more on the change you experienced as a person, the change from "Piggy" to the physically fit runner that you are today. And to make it even better, try to think of ways that running has influenced the rest of your life. Has it given you self-confidence? Determination? Perseverance? If so, have any of these characteristics inspired future goals or aspirations? Do you run competitively? Considering these questions will ultimately enhance your essay. Basically, take a step back and look at the broader picture. Good luck! AND PLEASE PROVIDE FEEDBACK FOR MY ESSAY!

Undergraduate / Soccer has made me less afraid of who I am - CommonApp [12]

Thank you for the comments!

While I do write in first person for the majority of the essay, I transition into third person, at times, to show the disconnect I felt between the person I am today and the person I was before. I realize that it may have come across as being confusing-- sorry!

Also, I am not sure how well the introduction came across. I was trying to make it seem as if the person who said "faggot" were talking to me. However, toward the end of the paragraph I revealed that this person was, in fact, talking to Josh, the only openly gay student in my school. Is this how it read?

Any ideas about how to make this less confusing are appreciated!

Undergraduate / The wackiness of me and my roommate - Stanford supplement roommate essay [3]

There seems to be a growing trend among students applying to Stanford who feel the urge to unearth their quirkiest qualities when answering this essay. I obviously have no insight into Stanford admissions, but do you feel that the best approach to answering this supplement is to show just how strange you are? While admittedly it is original and fun to read, ask yourself how would you feel if this was the letter you received from your future roommate? My suggestion would be to use this essay as a chance to convey your personality. While your prospective roommate may be interested in knowing that you are obsessed with technology and fitness, I feel the best approach would be to show your strongest personal qualities that may not come across anywhere else in your application. Good luck! AND PLEASE PROVIDE FEEDBACK FOR MY ESSAY!

Undergraduate / "Captain Janeway" - about a fictional character who has influenced me [2]

Please consider the following revisions:

I am a shame to jocks everywhere. Unlike my (basketball?) and (Varsity Sport #2) teammates, whose bedroom walls feature posters of Candace Parker or any number of professional athletes they aspire to be, the poster that hangs on my door of my room stars no one other than Kathryn Janeway, the only female captain in the Star Trek series. With the many illustrious qualities that she demonstrates as Captain of the USS Voyager, Captain Janeway is someone I aspire to be.

Owing to her ingenuity, determination, and outstanding leadership qualities, Janeway is miraculously able to transport her stranded USS Voyager crew 70,000 light-years from the unexplored Delta Quadrant of the Milky Way Galaxy to the safety of planet Earth, a feat that she is able to accomplish in a mere seven days.

But these qualities pale next to the boundless curiosity and confidence that she demonstrates whenever she is presented with a challenge. By seeing such a strong character as Captain Janeway get excited at the prospect of a scientific discovery as she navigates through the depths of space makes me even more excited about science, a subject I already love with all my heart. And because of it, I genuinely feel more confident in being my inquisitive and quirky self.

During my first year of high school, I was terrified of what everyone thought of me. By attending a second high school in Kalamazoo for math and science, I was already labeled as one of 'those people,' and blending in just seemed easier than not fitting in at all. But as time progressed, I found friends at my new school in Kalamazoo who were just like me, and I became more confident with who I really am: a dedicated basketball player who gets excited over RNA polymerase and can recite trivia about almost every subject. Even though I'm pretty sure I won't have to battle the Borg any time soon, it was by watching Captain Janeway handle conflicts with alien species that I understand that wit and intelligence are more important than who has bigger photon torpedoes. (Something I try to keep in mind when I lift weights with the football players.)

I felt that your last paragraph was the strongest. Colleges will want to see personal tie-ins to show how this character has influenced you. My suggestion for you now is to come up with a short narrative or series of examples about how Captain Janeway has made you more of a leader or more determined (to supplement the second paragraph). Otherwise, I very much enjoyed your essay! Good luck! AND PLEASE PROVIDE FEEDBACK FOR MY ESSAY!

Undergraduate / Impact Essay-Alan Brinkley [7]

To expound on comments given earlier, I think that your introductory paragraph should describe the book. Although I like the intro paragraph you have written, it is not particularly gripping. The most interesting approach you could use would be to describe the book (without giving its title) as if you are describing something scary. I cannot immediately think of an example (sorry), but it will give you something to play around with.

AP U.S. History, or "APUSH," is GPA suicide to anyone daring enough to take it.

Up until this point, I had never really occupied a niche at school. Having been in "Talented and Gifted" classes since the second grade, I was automatically thrown in the nerd pile. But being blonde and athletic, I stuck out from the many Asian students that filled the seats of my advanced classes. And up until this point, I had never really felt that I had a "gift," either. Perhaps making a ball curve as it crosses the plate if that counts. But beyond that, there was nothing. That is, until at the end of my sophomore year. Approached by my social studies teacher, I was told that I had a true "talent" for history. At first, I dismissed her. How could someone be talented at history? It was just reading a book and answering questions, right? Alan Brinkley taught me otherwise.

And for the first time, I found my niche. As I walked the halls of Westwood touting my book, I became part of the cult comprised of those crazy enough to attempt APUSH. I had a true identity for the first time; I was an "APUSHer."

My classes all blended together, becoming more of a chore than a true interest. DELETE! To you this may seem like a harmless segue into your next thought. But consider how colleges will perceive an applicant who says that his/her classes were more chores than true interests...

I remember the joy of posting witty American history-related Facebook statuses, anticipating the "likes" from my new friends from class. At night I rushed through the rest of my homework just so I could crack open Brinkley's work. Every time I read a section I was amazed by the humor infused throughout the seemingly dry textbook. I was truly engaged in the material; it forced me to think, and I loved it. But it wasn't just the fact that I had finally found a class I truly enjoyed going to every day; I had found a subject that I seemed to completely understand. The kids sitting next to me could, without a doubt, solve an equation faster then me, but I was the one they came to whenever they needed help distinguishing between Radical Reconstruction and Presidential Reconstruction. To me it was just a manner of analyzing people and their circumstances; it was a big story, one with no ending.

My experience with Brinkley came to a head as the AP test ended and the entire gym broke out into a thunderous round of applause. Outside the gym door awaited last years APUSH finishers forming a big tunnel congratulating us on our final feat. In that moment, the year culminated into one big realization: "you can't escape history" (as written on our commemorative pencils). Thanks, Mr. Brinkley.

Largely minor grammatical errors...

Please consider the following structure for your essay: (1) gripping intro paragraph (2) paragraph about how you have never really had a niche in high school (3) you were initially drawn to history when your teacher said you had a talent for history (4) you were reluctant to take the course because of the horror stories from past students; describe APUSH (5) all your experiences from APUSH and how it has given you a niche (6) conclusion... Make these revisions and you will have an excellent essay! I would really like to hear your feedback for my essay, but I am currently in the process of making revisions... I will likely post a revised copy in the next couple days! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Identical Triplets - Common App Essay//topic of choice [5]

My blood-drenched body shivered in the cool room of the South Indian government hospital, wails of pain reverberating through the walls. But I was not alone. With me that fateful night were two others, identical to me in nearly every way. Together we emerged into the world, and for seventeen years, together we have lived. (You can change this around any way you would like... or omit it altogether... you might find it somewhat cheesy... But I personally found it to be more gripping that what you had written.)

Unfortunately, I felt that you deviated from the central theme too much. If you intend to write about being an identical triplet, I would try to maintain that focus. For instance, I found the paragraphs about your parents to be irrelevant. The best parts of your essay were the paragraphs that detailed what being a triplet means to you. That said, try to cite specific examples that illustrate your points. Describe experiences in which your brothers have been your friend, workout partner, critic, tutor, etc. You do not need to illustrate absolutely every point, but try to provide several solid examples.

Also, I feel that the best overall approach would be to describe how your feelings toward your brothers have changed since your childhood. You have begun to do this already by mentioning the negatives of being a triplet (remember not to dwell on the negatives) and then going on to explain the positives. Continue doing this by showing how you have learned to appreciate the idiosyncrasies of being a triplet! And if you can, try to incorporate how being a triplet has influenced your attitude toward life, future goals/aspirations, etc. Doing so will definitely demonstrate that being a triplet has been an important part of your life. Good luck with your essay! And please provide feedback for mine!

Undergraduate / "decision to enlist in the military" - UT Austin Transfer -SOP [4]

As of right now, your essay is much too impersonal. Start with a short narrative that exemplifies the values the military has instilled in you. And for further improvement, break down your second paragraph. Rather than listing that you have learned that leadership requires passion and inspiration or that you love languages, write about specific instances/experiences that demonstrate these qualities. By recounting specific instances, the reader/admissions officer will gain a better picture of who you are. And given what you have said, I am sure that you will come up with some very interesting experiences to write about. Make these changes and see where it goes. Also, could you please provide feedback for my essay? Good luck!

Undergraduate / Soccer has made me less afraid of who I am - CommonApp [12]

Thanks once again, Jerry!

I very much agree with what you said. But it will be difficult articulating why the mistakes I made occurred as I dawned on my freshman year. (Finding the right examples to use, wording, and brevity are my major concerns.)

As for my conclusion... that will take time and will probably require the most thought. As you are probably well aware, trying to capture the essence of an essay is no easy task, especially when trying to write a conclusion that is stronger than the introduction... something to aspire to, I suppose.

Writing Feedback / Could you live without TV? - Toefl iBT [4]

I do not mean to be abrasive, but I feel that your examples were weak. Your second and third paragraphs address two different interpretations to your initial question: "So could we actually live without TV?" It is important that you clarify/reword this question. (I realize that what I am saying must sound confusing but bear with me.)

INTERPRETATIONS TO YOUR INITIAL QUESTION, "So could we actually live without TV?"
Do you mean to ask if people can live without sitting around a television set (by showing other ways of watching TV)?

Or do you mean to ask if people can live without watching television altogether (health concerns, etc.)?

In your second paragraph, you suggested that the Internet is an alternative to watching television. In this way, you addressed the former interpretation to your initial question (asking if people can live without sitting around a television set by showing all of the technology available from which they can alternatively watch television).

However, your third paragraph paragraph supports the latter interpretation to your initial question (asking if people should forgo television altogether due to health concerns, social withdrawal, etc.).

My suggestion for you is to reword your initial question and pick one interpretation or the other. If you choose the former, provide other examples of ways television can be watched. If your choose the latter, continue to explain why watching television is a bad decision altogether.

I am very sorry if what I said is confusing-- it was confusing enough trying to articulate! Good luck with your essay!

Undergraduate / Soccer has made me less afraid of who I am - CommonApp [12]

Thank you, Jerry! I feel that my essay has improved tenfold after taking your comments into consideration! However, I have found it difficult trying to convey a conclusion that is able to embody the emotion found in the remainder of my essay... We shall see...

Undergraduate / Soccer has made me less afraid of who I am - CommonApp [12]

Thank you so much for your comments, Susan and Rebecca! I knew that my voice would show through on this essay, I was just afraid that it might be too much (too impassioned).

Also, did you feel that there was any part that was weak or could use more examples/further explanation? Because there were so many points I tried to get across, I may have been too vague trying to condense this essay to the 500 word limit. Other suggestions, comments, etc. are welcome, too!

Undergraduate / Cornell Univ. essay "Playing piano for patients" [4]

"It is a few day before Christmas, but unlike most people my age, I am not setting up decorations or cuddling around a fire with my family (you could use any quintessentially Christmas examples you want). As our minivan makes its way down the slushy road, I am instead heading to Graceworks, a psychiatric home, where I will be performing keyboard music for the hospital's annual Christmas party." You could change this any way you would like.

Also, this essay would be more effective if you focused on the relationship between you and one patient, in particular.