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Posts by niclarson
Joined: Sep 2, 2011
Last Post: Sep 3, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 10  
From: united states

Displayed posts: 11
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niclarson   
Sep 3, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Mazes, Jigsaw puzzles.." - is this type of essay usable? [2]

It's a very creative start!! I like the idea and can see your voice through the piece, but for it to be a successful college essay you need to relate it back to yourself more. what does the fact that you like mazes more than puzzles reveal about you? is there a story you could relate this to? maybe that you like less restrained activities better than those with strict rules & no room for creativity?

I have only come across one such puzzle. My only complaint is that I occasionally need to apply sunscreen before diving into it.
^these sentences seem to be conveying something rather profound, but is there a way you could more clearly portray what you're trying to say?
niclarson   
Sep 3, 2011
Undergraduate / "strived to be the best" - stuck on GWU entrance essay [3]

I think it's a really good start!! What is the question you are answering?

Something you may want to consider doing instead of stating that you are an overachiever, that you compete with yourself, etc is giving examples or really elaborating on one example of when you did this. Anyone can tell admissions who they are through adjectives, but telling a story grabs peoples attention.
niclarson   
Sep 3, 2011
Undergraduate / "the custodian taught me about the world" - One who influenced me [5]

Thank you so much admission2012! I have reworked it and completely agree with you, especially because the essay is meant to be about the custodian & his influence on me. I now have about 50 words to spare, and if possible would like to add more to my essay anywhere it is missing something. Where do you see a need? Is there anything unclear, any details I could add?

Encased in the thick air and dizzying summer heat of Washington DC, Tricia and I scoured the streets around the Capitol for the Hart building and an Aquafina vendor. Unable to decipher our electronic maps and late for our lecture on Islam and Al Qaeda, our youthful invincibility had suddenly been humbled to an overly dramatic quest for air-conditioning. Not wanting to miss the seminar I had been anticipating since signing up for Georgetown summer school, I dragged an impatient Tricia into several cafes and a souvenir shop in search of directions before she made the suggestion I had been trying to avoid. "Let's sit for a while" she said, and practically collapsed on the nearest bench next to a capitol custodian on his lunch break.

Momentarily giving in, I sat down across from them. The custodian, clearly curious, seemed to be assessing the scene before him in between bites of a sandwich. I joked with him; "It's better to get lost when it's cooler out". He nodded, smirking at our foolish story as I explained that we had wasted our free hour on the unofficial two-block tour. "We've missed the lecture by now," I said, noting the bitterness in my own voice. At that, he excitedly leaned forward in his seat and declared in a thick middle-eastern accent "I have read the Koran, the Bible and the Torah".

An immigrant from Oman, the custodian worked during the day and took classes at a local community college in the evening. Having deeply studied three religions on his own, he explained the similarities between Islam and Christianity, contrasting interpretations of the Koran, and Jihad's role in the 9/11 attacks. I began to question, to connect the pieces of history, to finally understand the political missteps, to pursue all that he knew. He was patient and passionate, his gestures grand like a professor in lecture and expressions full of compassion. Through his fascination with the world of ideas, I too became fascinated.

One might assume that to make a true impact on another several elements are required. It takes time to inspire people, one may say, you have to know them well. To inspire someone else, you must have done something extraordinary yourself. Under the shade of an oak tree on a humid summer day, I learned otherwise. Within an hour, I was inspired by an ordinary stranger who I never exchanged names with. He motivated me to search my surroundings for enlightenment in the most unconventional places. I began to speak to strangers on the metro during field trips, to wonder what perspective my taxi driver took on international affairs. More than anything, the custodian taught me that the world is made up of incredible people. Perhaps the most valuable knowledge is hidden in their stories.
niclarson   
Sep 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Common application, the evolution of Yu-Ju Huang. [5]

The essay is very creative and comical, it has a lot of potential. However, I also became somewhat confused when reading it the first time. In your introduction you may consider reworking the introduction, especially the first paragraph, to seem less like a textbook. It is a good hook, but could be more effective if communicated in such a way that the reader would understand it effortlessly. The sentences seem disconnected at times.

While most people believe the extinction of dinosaurs was the only result of a six mile wide meteor, the asteroid theory can also apply on my life. My meteor was, however, too large to calculate. At the end of eighth grade, my father slid a one way airplane ticket to Canada in between the pages of my textbook "Aiming for Perfect Score in the Competence for Junior High School Student". Next thing I knew, I was standing at the airport red suitcase and cello in hand. The meteor, according to the conversation with my father after a year of departure, held the intention to destroy my nerdy-tendecy symptom. As a result, the maladroit dinosaur that dominated my behaviour was replaced by the well-adapted and mellow fern.
niclarson   
Sep 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "my fellow Knights" - unique characteristics you possess that are good for UCF? [7]

also, "I have the capability of continuing on for another 34 countries" sounds a little wordy. Maybe make it simple, like.. "and the list continues on for another 34 countries" or "I can continue on for another 34 countries". Be careful about grammar when using a semi-colon. Not positive if you can have "and" after that, but I really have no idea.

As for rephrasing, maybe you could play around with something like "I like to think of myself as culturally aware as a result of my extensive travels"
niclarson   
Sep 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / "population aged 65 and over" - writing graph [3]

I'm confused as to what this response is for, but assuming they are observations made from some sort of graph, there are a few things you could to to make your response more clear.

Try using either "graph" or "chart" since they mean similar things
"This graph illustrates the population of people 65 and older between the years of 1940 and 2040 in Japan, Sweden, and the United States.

Introduce your observations
I noticed that between 1940 and 2000, Japan's population of seniors is under 5%.

Secondly, between 1940 and 2040, Sweden's population of seniors tends to fluctuate while the United States shows an increase between 1940 and 1980.

In conclusion, although variations between countries occur, the overall population of adults 65 and older in the world increases between 1940 and 2040, according to the graph.
niclarson   
Sep 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic: Should Smoking and tobacco products be banned? [4]

Overall a very well written persuasive piece, however, like all essays it has some things to be re-worked.

Although i'm sure it was a typo, make sure you put ramificationS in the first paragraph.

I would also suggest re-wording your last sentence of the first paragraph. Although it clearly sets up what you are going to argue for the reader, it seems too formulaic. Really, you could delete that sentence all together if need be.

Second paragraph, make sure you put rational instead of rationale, as there is a slight difference between the two words and rational fits best here.

"Non-smokers are often passively been force to expose at a secondhand smoke environment especially child which could increase the incidence of heart disease, cancer and other respiratory disease" Consider re-wording. Maybe something along the lines of.. "Non-smokers are often passively forced to inhale secondhand smoke which can increase risk for heart disease, cancer, and respiratory diseases. Children are especially vulnerable to these environments."

"Unlike heroin and marijuana which are prohibited by the majority of governments around the world to prevent substance abuse, while these two illicit drugs have legitimated applied in medical treatment, in contrast, products of tobacco make their fortune from public health" Consider re-wording. Maybe something along the lines of ... "While heroin and marijuana have been prohibited by many governments to prevent substance abuse, tobacco remains legal and profitable to those connected to its economy. Although heroin and marijuana have legitimate application in medical treatments, tobacco does not."
niclarson   
Sep 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "the custodian taught me about the world" - One who influenced me [5]

This is for the "person who influenced you" option on the common app. I feel like i may not have said enough about my influential person & I think the conclusion is pretty weak..

Encased in the thick air and dizzying summer heat of Washington DC, Tricia and I scoured the streets around the Capitol for the Hart building and an Aquafina vendor. Without a doubt, the two of us made an entertaining pair. Dysfunctional shoes had spotted our heels with so badly with blisters that we finally surrendered to the pain and liberated them, walking barefoot down Constitution Avenue in a disoriented search. Unable to decipher our electronic maps and late for our lecture on Islam and Al Qaeda, our youthful invincibility had suddenly been humbled to an overly dramatic quest for air-conditioning.

Not wanting to miss the lecture I had been anticipating since signing up for Georgetown summer school, I dragged an impatient Tricia into several cafes and a souvenir shop in search of directions before she made the suggestion I had been trying to avoid. "Let's sit for a while" she said, and practically collapsed on the nearest bench next to a capitol custodian on his lunch break. Momentarily giving in, I sat down across from them. The custodian, clearly curious, seemed to be assessing the scene before him in between bites of a sandwich. I joked with him; "It's better to get lost when it's cooler out". He nodded, smirking at our foolish story as I explained that we had wasted our free hour on the unofficial two-block tour. "We've missed the lecture by now," I said, noting the bitterness in my own voice. At that, he excitedly leaned forward in his seat and declared in a thick middle-eastern accent "I have read the Koran, the Bible and the Torah".

An immigrant from Oman, the custodian worked during the day and took classes at a local community college in the evening. Having deeply studied three religions on his own, he explained the similarities between Islam and Christianity, contrasting interpretations of the Koran, and Jihad's role in the 9/11 attacks. I began to question, to connect the pieces of history, to finally understand the political missteps, to pursue all that he knew. He was patient and passionate, his gestures grand like a professor in lecture and expressions full of compassion. Through his fascination with the world of ideas, I too became fascinated.

One might assume that to make a true impact on another several elements are required. It takes time to inspire people, one may say, you have to know them well. To inspire someone else, you must have done something extraordinary yourself. Under the shade of an oak tree on a humid summer day, I learned otherwise. Within an hour, I was inspired by an ordinary stranger who I never exchanged names with. He motivated me to search my surroundings for enlightenment in the most unconventional places. I began to speak to strangers on the metro during field trips, to wonder what perspective my taxi driver took on international affairs. More than anything, the custodian taught me that the world is made up of incredible people. Perhaps the most valuable knowledge is hidden in their stories.
niclarson   
Sep 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Soccer has made me less afraid of who I am - CommonApp [12]

As I read it, I imagined the instigator speaking to you, and was then surprised to find that he was in fact talking to "Josh". I think this is an excellent introduction to a very powerful essay. As mentioned above, it is difficult to come up with a conclusion as meaningful as the intro at times, however I see yours getting better with every revision. One thing you may want to try is starting from the conclusion - up and asking yourself, what do I want the reader to be left with? What emotions and ideas?

Maybe you could elaborate on your journey to becoming team captain? That seems an incredible accomplishment especially given the fear you had started with. That was the piece that struck me the most, as it brings the story full circle.
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