Undergraduate / 'I learned about my Shadow' - Common Application: The Greatest Issue of All [2]

This is an essay that I wrote last year in my senior level Composition Honors class in my junior year. Writing some college essays were class assignments, which I did. I have since updated it, but I have not given it much attention as I am preoccupied with the rest of the Common Application and the supplementary parts of the colleges I want to go to. My main concerns is that I may not have updated every part of it, and I have 54 extra words, so I need to trim some fat. So here's the prompt I chose and the essay:

Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

The Greatest Issue of All

How often do video games inspire life-changing decisions? For most people, not at all, but for me, it has happened on three separate occasions. The first muse was learning to play the flute, inspired by Legend of Zelda: Orcarina of TimeŠ, a game that uses music to solve puzzles. The second was setting my career path to a computer programmer, inspired by video games of all typesŠ. However, the third and most important epiphany of all made me realize the enemy of all of humanity: themselves.

The moment came while playing, Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4Š, when a character, who was a lot like me, had all of his dark secrets revealed by his Shadow, his inner self. As I saw this, I realized that most of his dark secrets were also my own. So, I asked myself, "Would my Shadow say the same thing? How could I defeat it?" Thus, my struggle began.

As time went on, I knew this would be a tough struggle, I felt like I was boxing an invisible opponent. The changes I would have to make to prove my Shadow wrong would require years of severe self-discipline. Nevertheless, I had taken a step forward in the right direction; I knew where my Shadow's power came from. I had realized the root of my Shadow's strength: loneliness.

I have known the pain of isolation for quite some time, ever since 4th grade. Loneliness is the one pain I cannot stand, the hurt that gives my Shadow strength. However, getting rid of such pain is easier said than done. The me that socializes with those around me is itself a persona, a façade. My true self is one of a stereotypical nerd, someone who relates better to machines than people. Making my true personality into my façade may be something impossible for me or anyone to do.

Several years have passed now since I first learned about my Shadow, since my struggle began. I know everything about him now, his strengths and his weaknesses, and I have won. I know now that he has been with me as far back as I can remember, I know now that I do not need to be surrounded by people in order to fight off his greatest weapon, loneliness. All I need is a small group of close friends who I can count on to pick me up when I fall down. My Shadow is I and I am him, and through him I have obtained the strength and knowledge to live my life. My Shadow is not my enemy; he is my friend.

But why did I bother trying? Why not just accept my true personality and lose all attachments to my emotions? The answers are simple; I plan to go into computer programming, an industry full of emotionless people, and having a friendly personality will help me stand out from the rest. However, that is not the true reason why I take on this task; it is because I do not want to be an emotionless self-centered person. I wish to become someone who people will remember fondly and love. That is why I tackle the impossible and take on my Shadow. That is why I faced the biggest issue that anyone can have, themselves.

Undergraduate / 'The New Artistic Medium' - Rice Supplement: My Unique Perspective [6]

So I am trying to enter Rice University and this is what I have so far for thier supplement essay. Its my fourth rough draft out of possibly six or seven, so its definitely not my best work. I'd really appreciate it if you could tell me what I do right and what I do wrong. Here's the prompt:

The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? Most people are able to answer in two or three double spaced pages.

'The New Artistic Medium' - Rice Supplement: My Unique Perspective 2.0

Alright guys, I'm heading into the final stretch with my essay. I've shown it to my friends and they say that I only half answer the question at best, but then again they are only high school students who don't have the best grades so they be missing something. Other than that, the rest of the problems I have with the essay are minor details that I'll list later. Also, please keep in mind guys: saying my essay is great and wonderful and etc. may help my ego, but it doesn't help my essay. So please be specific with what you like and don't like. Thanks guys!. So here's the prompt and essay.

The New Artistic Medium

Many people think the words "art" and "video games" do not belong in the same sentence; I am not one of those people. I understand that video games can be true masterpieces, and I have exposed myself to many works of art through video games. From science fiction (Xenosaga) to historical fiction (Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater) to even light-hearted adventure (Super Mario Galaxy), video games have made me laugh, cry, and blast through space. Critical thinking, creative problem solving, and inspiration to surpass my limits are all attributes gained from my experience in the world of video games. I love video games and I want nothing more than for others to recognize video games as works of art.

Video games have positively affected my life multiple times, and in more ways than one. When I was in kindergarten, I bought my first Gameboy Color specifically with a purple see-through skin so I could see what made it tick. I drove my parents crazy by making them read my favorite game's guidebook to me, over and over again. I was not having trouble with the strategy; I just wanted to imagine myself in the world of the game. I remember playing The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening DX because I loved to listen to "The Ballad of the Wind Fish," explore the exotic locations, and converse with the diverse characters that existed in the game. I did not see it as a game; I saw it as another world that I could temporarily live in and experience for myself.

My family has always stressed my education and encouraged me to go above and beyond what is asked of me. As a result, I never looked at video games as just games; I held video games in the same regard I held novels and movies. Playing The Legend of Zelda: Orcarina of Time, a game that contained beautiful music, motivated me to play the flute, the closest instrument to an orcarina that I knew. Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4 set me out on a personal journey of self-reflection and improvement after showing me the inner evils that we all have deep down inside of us. These games and many more have inspired my own creative writings and motivated my goal to become a video game designer/programmer so that I can transform my stories into excellent video games that raise the bar for the entire video game industry. Yet despite everything video games have done for me, and possibly countless others, the public is still unaware of the benefits video games have to offer us.

Video games are my generation's rock and roll; they are a relatively new innovation that is unlike anything the world has ever seen. Adults have a hard time understanding how the same technology used to make Pacman can have any positive effects on a person. Adults understand the artistic value of all other art forms: movies are accepted, music, even comedy is understood as a serious way to express the flaws and benefits of society. Back in the 1990s, video games either could not reach these standards or did not do them well, but technology has grown since then. Technology allows video games to weave epic and sweeping stories with characters that look and sound like real people, accompanied by fantastic musicals score that heighten the suspense of the story, and even get a few laughs along the way. It is time to take a stand! It is time for the United States and the entire world to understand the legitimacy of video games and what they can accomplish!

Upon entering Rice University, one of my personal goals is to use the resources available through the college to form a club with the purpose of convincing the public to accept video games as an art form. The club would get creators of video games, such as Ken Liven, creator of Bioshock, to come to the university campus for a seminar workshop. Ultimately, we hope to get the media to recognize game designers like Ken and invite him onto their programs, such as The Daily Show or AC360. However, Liven will not be on those shows to defend himself from critics who say that his game encourages youth violence; instead, Liven will be there to explore the symbolism and themes of his game, such as Rapture, the underwater utopia gone wrong.

Since Rice is an open-minded, interdisciplinary liberal arts college, my club would hope to get every department involved in understanding the artistic prominence of video games. We will persuade English majors to study how Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core caused its audience to cry, despite knowing the main character was doomed from the very beginning. We will persuade the band to play inspiring songs from video games, such as The Legend of Zelda: Orcarina of Time's "Song of Storms." We will convince art majors to study and replicate the astounding graphics of the latest Final Fantasy game. We will muster history majors and get them to argue over the historical accuracy of Assassin's Creed II. We will gather sociology and psychology majors to analyze the conflicting feelings and inner struggles of the main characters of Final Fantasy XIII. Using the unique opportunities given to me by Rice, it is my dream to get the entire country to understand that video games are more than just games; they are the newest, and perhaps greatest, artistic medium there is!

My second biggest concern is that I may come off as naive and immature by the end of the essay instead of an enthusiastic youth. The main source of this concern is the last sentence of my 5th (second to last) paragraph.