Posts by Strappingyl

Strappingyl

Nov 17, 2011

Undergraduate / "The Butterfly Effect" - College Essay for WC [3]

First thing to do is to chop this up into more than two paragraphs. It's overwhelming how long the first one is and I'm sure for an admissions officer it would be more so. Remember, they're reading a LOT of these essays.

Parts to omit completely:

- ", even once in my wildest dreams" (yes, get rid of the comma, too)

- "One day however, after..." Only get rid of "however" and the comma after it.

- " and bottled deep down."

-"Never in my life could have I fathomed the meaning of such crazy event of this magnitude."

-"Where many had fallen due to the sheer obstacles that consisted of being set in a completely new environment, which you knew nothing about, as if being placed in a rain forest and left to survive alone, I overcame all odds and always stood back up to fight again." This can be dramatically shortened. I recommend, "Where others were unable to overcome obstacles of adjusting to a new environment, I succeeded," or something along those lines. Admissions people aren't going to be impressed by imagery, so I would recommend using it minimally.

-"Every aspect of my life was challenged and questioned, and yet in 2005, I graduated to middle school like every other student, and was finally considered and American citizen. " Get rid of "and questioned." I recommend, "...my life was challenged, yet I graduated middle school and was finally..."

-", reminiscing about my past as I have foretold it to you," Get rid of the commas, too.

"...was interesting but rather quite routine."

This is redundant. Use "but" or "rather," but not both. Also, the words "interesting" and "routine" don't seem very conflicting. It's kind of like saying, "This steak was tasty but quite juicy." I would go ahead and use "and": "...was interesting and quite routine." In fact, just get rid of it. The whole sentence. You say life was interesting in France but never elaborate on it, so just go ahead and get rid of it so it reads:

"...were soon going to unfold. [new paragraph here]
Towards the end of winter I reluctantly started noticing more and more changes happening at home."

Also, get rid of "reluctantly." I don't think it really fits.

Some miscellaneous recommendations:

"...endlessly beeping from day to night." Use "ringing," not beeping.

"...disappear before my very eyes." Start a new paragraph here.

"seemed complete ludicrous to me." Use completely.

"I can't even begin imagining what..." Shorten to, "I can't imagine what..."

"France and America reside as complete opposites..." Use "are" instead of "reside as."

"...and hand signals was not enough..." Use "were," not "was."

"...in there later years..." Their.

"...became bi lingual by the age..." Bilingual is one word.

Note that this is all technical stuff. The content is great! I love how you built up the climax that was leaving France, I couldn't stop reading. Out of curiosity, why did your family have to leave?

The ending was great, too. Remember to provide the prompt, as well.

Strappingyl

Nov 17, 2011

Undergraduate / 'never stopping and never having to settle' - What attracts me to Umich [3]

My response (375 words):

I plan to transfer to the University of Michigan's College of Literature, Science and the Arts to finish my Associate in Science and Arts Degree in mathematics, following my Bachelor of Science Degree. The College of LSA would allow me to begin research very quickly upon admission because of its core focus towards it. In this environment of intellectuals I would thrive, having so many tools at my disposal that the possibilities seem endless.

Eventually I want to begin teaching first and second level college coursework, tempering and perfecting a technique that will help others learn and help me to prepare for my graduate studies, research and higher tier teaching. In order to achieve this I would begin taking pedagogical courses soon after receiving my ASA to get a head start on a teaching degree.

I see the end of my college career as a research professor of mathematics and probably computer science, maybe even heading a department. There's nothing more thrilling to me than the thought of contributing to the scientific community through research and teaching. I've been told I am a great tutor when explaining math and I hope to carry this to the highest level possible so that I can help others reach the same level.

The University of Michigan is perfect for my means of achieving these goals with its research facilities and Applied & Interdisciplinary Mathematics program within the Rackham Graduate School. I'm not sure what my partner discipline would be for research, but I would definitely have it figured out by the time I am ready to apply at Rackham.

During all of this I want to weave myself into Michigan's academia, being a part of it as it will me. This would happen in the form of work-study, volunteering in the mathematics department, creating relationships and participating in anything that will help me better myself, the scientific community and the university.

What attracts me most to the University of Michigan is the world of possibilities that will open up to me. I feel being part of Michigan means never stopping and never having to settle. The feeling I get when I think of all of this is overwhelming, and I look toward my future at Michigan with exhilaration.

Thank you!

dp

Strappingyl

Nov 17, 2011

Undergraduate / 'A college campus = a melting pot' - common app essay on diversity [6]

You don't really answer the prompt. You explain that your Kenyan heritage would contribute to the college, but the prompt asks for a specific experience or encounter from your Kenyan heritage. It looks like you have to take a specific experience and extrapolate from that. How does this specific experience show the college how I'll contribute to its diversity?

It is a good essay out of context, but it's not what the admissions people are looking for.

Strappingyl

Nov 17, 2011

Undergraduate / 'never did anything exceptionally horrible' - Disciplinary Essay for Umich [3]

I'm a transfer student coming out of a community college and am applying to the University of Michigan. I tended to get into trouble my early high school years and I'm now well into my junior year of college. I have changed dramatically since then and want to express that in my disciplinary history essay (it's required on the common application if applicable).

The prompt:

Have you ever been found responsible for a disciplinary violation at any educational institution you have attended from the 9th grade (or the international equivalent) forward, whether related to academic misconduct or behavioral misconduct, that resulted in a disciplinary action?

Here it is:

I've grown much as a person and intend to keep doing so. But everyone has their low-points; mine was as a trouble-maker. The only grade I had ever gotten into real trouble was my 9th grade year of high school. Coming out of a really bad 8th grade year at a different school (being bullied), the new one was even worse. There was a point where I could either slowly meld into a group of "friends" or be the victim of these peoples' ridicule and torment. I chose the former because the thought of going through an even worse year than the previous terrified me. This decision came with baggage: being somewhat rebellious to impress these "friends." I never did anything exceptionally horrible because of my aversion to disappoint my elders, especially my parents. I never bullied anyone, and when it occurred, I couldn't stop it out of risk of being in their position (secretive visits to the counselor and teachers were the answer). The extent of my misdeeds included breaking a window (it was an accident. It was a lower pane that one of my friends was leaning on from the other side while sitting down. I kicked it to get his attention and it broke) and excessive talking while in class. These incidents resulted in after-school detentions and one suspension for the window. I can't remember very many specific instances, let alone dates. I just know they happened sporadically throughout my freshman year and the beginning of my sophomore year.

It scares me to think where I would be now if I had stayed in that school. My sophomore year I transferred to a school that was much more disciplined and required uniforms. I was able to concentrate more on my studies there because bullying was never an issue. By the time my senior year had ended, I won many academic honors and awards, was captain of both the cross-country and track team and graduated with honors from the National Technical Honor Society.

What did I learn from my trouble-making? I never want to be that again. The thought makes me shudder. I regret so much that the actions and thoughts of others made such an impact on me that it would cause me to behave so idiotically. Much of my high school experience was wasted being the object of other's approval. I am definitely a changed individual now, for the better.

---

I don't want to come off too begging or preachy, but I am going for a passionate prompt explaining how I'm not the person I used to be. Please tell me if this is what I've accomplished and if not, please provide suggestions on what to change.

Thank you!

Strappingyl

Oct 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Coming from a privileged suburban family' - UW-Madison Statement [5]

To be honest I would take the second sentence out completely (it never leads anywhere) and merge the first and third.

As a child, I was blessed with two loving parents to take care of me and, as good parents should, always wanted the best for their son.

Always make sentences as short as possible and merge them when you can.

Strappingyl

Oct 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Coming from a privileged suburban family' - UW-Madison Statement [5]

who were able to care for me
Take care of

as I grew up and they allowed their son more independence
Allowed me

however one lesson always stuck in my head
When you say this, you're implying that everything else they taught you didn't stick in your head. Also put a comma after however. Try, "however, one lesson impacted me more than the rest:"

And you need a colon where you put a period after head.

I should always strive to be the best student, sibling, and person that I can be.
Omit the last comma.

I was activity involved
Did you mean actively?

few times I was ever able to come
Never?

I would also remove the "coming from a privileged suburban family" bit. Sounds pretentious.

Strappingyl

Oct 19, 2011

Undergraduate / 'in the working class' - What community you come from University of Michigan [8]

Alrighty final product. This is what I'll be turning in:

I had a rough time in junior high and the beginning of high school. I focused less on my academics and extracurricular activities and more on trying not to get slammed into lockers and pushed into drugs (it was so bad for one of my friends that he would walk to the bus stop, then to the woods. There he would stay for the 7-hour school day). Consequently I became more of a loner. I tried to keep as low of a profile as I could to avoid that torment.

I come from a community of loners. As oxymoronic as that sounds, it's true. The only alternatives for me were the drug and trouble-making communities, and certainly not the academic. I delved into the trouble-making communities sometimes, just to have a sense of belonging. But it never fulfilled me and I never made any connections with those individuals. The individuals I do have a connection with are the home-schooled students I am now tutoring, my math professors and any aspect of the academic community. I've only grazed the surface at my community college, however. There's so much more I could be experiencing. I know it's a jump that I'm applying to one of the best academic communities in the world, but I want so much to be a part of it. I want to become part of a community where I'm a learner, a teacher, a contributor and a community leader. That community is the University of Michigan.

Anyone think this is admission worthy or are there changes to be made?

Thank you for all of your help, btw

Strappingyl

Oct 18, 2011

Undergraduate / 'in the working class' - What community you come from University of Michigan [8]

Bump! Sorry, have to have this in soon :(

Strappingyl

Oct 17, 2011

Graduate / 'the importance of education in a society' - Teaching Statement for graduate program [3]

I want to be a teacher because I believe in the importance of education in a society, and because knowledge we accumulate is valuable only if it is shared.

I would omit the comma, but something seems off about this sentence. You want to be a teacher because "knowledge we accumulate is valuable only if it is shared." I think maybe changing it to something along the lines of , "because I realize knowledge we accumulate..." and continue from there.

I don't have formal teaching experience, but I know what kind of teacher students like and need. Maybe explain how you know. You've been a student yourself, right? Maybe explain how you know what you wanted as a student, and that experience will help you contribute to others a teacher.

Students like interacting with teachers, because they wish to know teachers as a full man not only as a teacher. I would get rid of this comma, too.

Students also need a professional teacher, because "a full man" isn't somebody who boasts of his language skills or academic achievements. Students like encouragement from teachers, because they value teachers' words though they don't say it out. I'm not sure I get what you mean by "full man." And did you mean "out loud" at the end?

Students also need criticism, because they thoroughly understand "No Pain, No Gain". Students like teachers who use various materials in the class, such as lovely videos and attractive extra books, because only textbook makes Jack a dull boy. I would also get rid of the Shining allusion. You don't know if the person reading it will get it. If you must keep the allusion, then put "a" before textbook.

The rest of it seems pretty good. I think you have too many commas, however. Is this a style of writing you're trying to show the graduate committee or no? Almost every "because" is prefaced with a comma

Strappingyl

Oct 17, 2011

Undergraduate / 'in the working class' - What community you come from University of Michigan [8]

Thank you everyone so much for your critiques. Here is my overhauled response:

I had a rough time in junior high and the beginning of high school. I focused less on my academics and extracurricular activities and more on trying not to get slammed into lockers and pushed into drugs (it was so bad for one of my friends that he would walk to the bus stop, then to the woods. There he would stay for the 7-hour school day). Consequently I became more of a loner. I tried to keep as low of a profile as I could to avoid that torment.

I come from a community of loners. As oxymoronic as that sounds, it's true. The only alternatives for me were the drug and trouble-making communities, and certainly not the academic. I delved into the trouble-making communities sometimes, just to have a sense of belonging. But it never fulfilled me and I never made any connections with those individuals. The individuals I do have a connection with are the homeschool students I am now tutoring, my math professors and any aspect of the academic community. I've only grazed the surface at my community college, however. There's so much more I could be experiencing. I know it's a jump that I'm applying to one of the best academic communities in the world, but I want so much to be a part of it.

Now I have 2 endings that I'm juggling here. Does anyone have a preference?

Ending 1
I don't want to be a part of the loner community anymore. I want to be part of a community where I'm a learner, a teacher, a contributor and a community leader. That community is the University of Michigan.

Ending 2
I've never really found my place as anyone except a loner. However, once I looked hard enough, it didn't take me long to realize that my place is at the University of Michigan.

Thank you again!

dp

Strappingyl

Oct 16, 2011

Undergraduate / 'in the working class' - What community you come from University of Michigan [8]

Hello,

I'm transferring from a community college to the University of Michigan to go for a doctorate in mathematics and I'm almost finished with my response to the following prompt:

"Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)"

I'm having the most difficult time with this one, however.

Here is my response:

"I had a rough time in junior high and the beginning of high school. I focused less on being part of a community, my academics and extracurricular activities and more on trying not to get slammed into lockers and pushed into drugs (it was so bad for one of my friends that he would walk to the bus stop, then to the woods. There he would stay for the 7-hour school day). Consequently I became more of a loner. I tried to keep as low of a profile as I could to avoid that torment.

I don't really come from a specific community except my immediate family. I come from a generally military family: my mom, dad, grandmother (dad's side), grandfather and great grandfather (both mom's side) come from military backgrounds. My parents met in the Air Force while serving in South Korea. I was born in Nellis Air Force Base in 1991, moved to K. I. Sawyer AFB in 1993 and eventually my parents bought a house near my mom's parents in Grand Traverse County, which is where I've resided ever since. They divorced when I was 8 years old, so for about 12 years since then I've been jumping between their homes. I feel lucky that they get along so well. It really made dealing with the divorce an easier process.

Though much of my family has been in the military, my parents never pushed it onto me. They only wanted me to be happy when I grew up. I'm also the first in my immediate family to attend college. During my junior and senior high school years is when I really became involved in academics and extracurricular activities (it helped that I transferred to a school that really pushed academics). I joined the track team my junior year and ended up being the team captain for my senior year in track and cross country. It was also the period where I found my passion: mathematics. I adored it so much that I'm going for a doctorate in it.

I don't come from a wealthy family by any means. I am definitely in the working class. I've been working at least three days every week since my junior year in high school. None of it goes towards paying off my loans. It mostly goes towards gas money, car insurance and food. My parents help me out a little when I'm especially low on funds for gas and food, but not enough that it would be considered support. My mother and stepdad have both recently filed for bankruptcy and my dad lost his job a few months ago. He was just hired to work for a private military contractor where he'll be making 4 times more than what he was as an electrician. However, it's mostly hazard pay. He'll be working in a warzone. "

I have no idea how to end this. Someone help me out?

Thank you!