Here is my essay I am writing to Madison
Prompt: Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.
Coming from a privileged suburban family, the biggest problem I faced as a child was simply changing schools and developing new relationships. I was blessed with two loving parents who were able to care for me and, as good parents should, always wanted the best for their son. They taught me many lessons as I grew up and they allowed their son more independence; however one lesson always stuck in my head. They told me I should never settle. I should always strive to be the best student, sibling, and person that I can be.
Keeping this lesson in mind as I entered high school, I knew I had to push myself to my limits to be the best person I could be. A person truly cannot grow and mature unless they are faced head on with adversity and overcome it. To constantly push myself, I did my best to stay involved outside of school while continuing to excel in my studies. Throughout all four years at my high school I was activity involved in three or more sports during a calendar year, as well as other clubs and volunteer work. There were few times I was ever able to come home from school without having an afterschool activity. Although I had little free time during my years at school, I have absolutely no regrets about my involvement in and out of school. Not only did all of my activities keep my life eventful, they also allowed me to develop excellent skills with time management and prioritizing. These skills, along with many others I learned, will only benefit me as I move forward in life.
My goal, if I am able to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison, would be to be admitted and graduate from the Wisconsin School of Business. Since a young age mathematics has always been my passion. I also find many things dealing with stocks and the economy extremely interesting. Therefore, a major in the business school would be a perfect fit for me. I have been faced with many challenges throughout my high school career and have faced with determination and a positive attitude. I believe that I am in control of my success and as I remain committed to furthering my education I will, without a doubt, succeed.
(381 words)
I was wondering what anybody thinks and how I can improve/alter my statement.
Thank you
who were able to care for me
Take care of
as I grew up and they allowed their son more independence
Allowed me
however one lesson always stuck in my head
When you say this, you're implying that everything else they taught you didn't stick in your head. Also put a comma after however. Try, "however, one lesson impacted me more than the rest:"
And you need a colon where you put a period after head.
I should always strive to be the best student, sibling, and person that I can be.
Omit the last comma.
I was activity involved
Did you mean actively?
few times I was ever able to come
Never?
I would also remove the "coming from a privileged suburban family" bit. Sounds pretentious.
Thanks for the changes
Also, I altered the intro slightly:
As a child, I was blessed. The biggest problem I faced as a child was simply changing schools and developing new relationships. I had with two loving parents to take care of me and, as good parents should, always wanted the best for their son.
To be honest I would take the second sentence out completely (it never leads anywhere) and merge the first and third.
As a child, I was blessed with two loving parents to take care of me and, as good parents should, always wanted the best for their son.
Always make sentences as short as possible and merge them when you can.
Thanks for the advice
