I have created this thread in requests for ratings, help, any clarifications or improvements you can aid me with in my college essay. The Word Count is 625, which may be over the limit, I am not quite sure.
Normal College Essay requirements
The Butterfly Effect
I can still recall pressing my ear on the cold door frame, attempting to hear my parents' hushed voices; possibly grasping what it was that they were so precautious to hide from me. Never could have I fully comprehended the magnitude of the following events that were soon going to unfold. Life in France at the age of 9 was interesting but rather quite routine. Towards the end of winter however, I reluctantly started noticing more and more changes happening at home. My father was staying home more often, my mother was pacing around the kitchen as if she was in deep thoughts, and the phone was endlessly beeping from day to night. Despite all these clues, I had never thought, even once in my wildest dreams that we were possibly moving out of the house, let alone the whole country! One day however, after being dismissed from school, my mother gathered all of us and began explaining exactly what I had feared and bottled deep down. Never in my life could have I fathomed the meaning of such crazy event of this magnitude. I could hardly focus on the simple fact that soon everyone I knew, and everything I had ever worked for would disappear before my very eyes. Leaving everything I had grown to understand, and heading towards what all immigrants considered the land of freedom and hope, seemed complete ludicrous to me. But never have I ever been more grateful for boarding that plane seven years ago. I can't even begin imagining what my life would be like if my parents hadn't went looking for the American dream. However the road we took was not an easy journey; France and America reside as complete opposites, everything from the way they eat to the cars they drive. In the initial months of my arrival I explored this new world, and relied on hand signals to get my point across. But as life progressed, I was soon admitted to school, and hand signals was not enough to graduate to middle school. Where others were given a choice in there later years, I was but 10 years old and already forced to adapt to my new surroundings. With pure determination and the fact that failure was not an option being my motivation, I excelled beyond my classmates, and became bi lingual by the age of 11. Where many had fallen due to the sheer obstacles that consisted of being set in a completely new environment, which you knew nothing about, as if being placed in a rain forest and left to survive alone, I overcame all odds and always stood back up to fight again. Every aspect of my life was challenged and questioned, and yet in 2005, I graduated to middle school like every other student, and was finally considered and American citizen.
Nearly seven years later, reminiscing about my past as I have foretold it to you, I can't help but seek more knowledge and live up to my potential. The simple ability to adapt to change, as mundane as it sounds, is one of the most useful characteristic in life. I was given the chance to earn that skill, and evolve into something greater, something that many can't even begin to understand. And with that skill, I will excel once again, to overcome any obstacles in my path, and achieve the very dream I so yearn to deserve. So here I am standing beside you, as not a child with pain and sorrow, but a man with dreams and fulfillment. A man who can say with certain confidence, that he is not only capable of surviving in any environment, but able to prevail and transcend any of your wildest expectations.
First thing to do is to chop this up into more than two paragraphs. It's overwhelming how long the first one is and I'm sure for an admissions officer it would be more so. Remember, they're reading a LOT of these essays.
Parts to omit completely:
- ", even once in my wildest dreams" (yes, get rid of the comma, too)
- "One day however, after..." Only get rid of "however" and the comma after it.
- " and bottled deep down."
-"Never in my life could have I fathomed the meaning of such crazy event of this magnitude."
-"Where many had fallen due to the sheer obstacles that consisted of being set in a completely new environment, which you knew nothing about, as if being placed in a rain forest and left to survive alone, I overcame all odds and always stood back up to fight again." This can be dramatically shortened. I recommend, "Where others were unable to overcome obstacles of adjusting to a new environment, I succeeded," or something along those lines. Admissions people aren't going to be impressed by imagery, so I would recommend using it minimally.
-"Every aspect of my life was challenged and questioned, and yet in 2005, I graduated to middle school like every other student, and was finally considered and American citizen. " Get rid of "and questioned." I recommend, "...my life was challenged, yet I graduated middle school and was finally..."
-", reminiscing about my past as I have foretold it to you," Get rid of the commas, too.
"...was interesting but rather quite routine."
This is redundant. Use "but" or "rather," but not both. Also, the words "interesting" and "routine" don't seem very conflicting. It's kind of like saying, "This steak was tasty but quite juicy." I would go ahead and use "and": "...was interesting and quite routine." In fact, just get rid of it. The whole sentence. You say life was interesting in France but never elaborate on it, so just go ahead and get rid of it so it reads:
"...were soon going to unfold. [new paragraph here]
Towards the end of winter I reluctantly started noticing more and more changes happening at home."
Also, get rid of "reluctantly." I don't think it really fits.
Some miscellaneous recommendations:
"...endlessly beeping from day to night." Use "ringing," not beeping.
"...disappear before my very eyes." Start a new paragraph here.
"seemed complete ludicrous to me." Use completely.
"I can't even begin imagining what..." Shorten to, "I can't imagine what..."
"France and America reside as complete opposites..." Use "are" instead of "reside as."
"...and hand signals was not enough..." Use "were," not "was."
"...in there later years..." Their.
"...became bi lingual by the age..." Bilingual is one word.
Note that this is all technical stuff. The content is great! I love how you built up the climax that was leaving France, I couldn't stop reading. Out of curiosity, why did your family have to leave?
The ending was great, too. Remember to provide the prompt, as well.
France's economy was worsening and a lot of cutbacks were happening, my father happened to have been caught in the middle of this cutback and was fired from his job, due to a lack of income we decided to risk it all and moved to america, where we are now prospering and having a nice income :D, thanks for the response! i'll make sure to fix it all
