Undergraduate / 'able to explore new personalities, ideals, and opinions' UC Prompt 2 [2]

I can take hours to read a page. I will read over every sentence on the page, imagining the words act out their purpose. When reading old English plays, I am a spectator, viewing the imaginary characters act out their parts like how they were meant to be portrayed. When reading about science, I am Newton, discovering the concept of gravity and motion. When examining history, I am the pilgrim who has gone to America, I am a protester at a civil rights movement, and I am the anxious president who waits to make his speech. Even the most inanimate books can clutch onto my attention and endure until I turn the page. My trip to another world cannot happen when I only "glimpse" at the text.

I know that I am one of the slowest readers on the planet but I am glad of that. The outside world cannot permeate perhaps a different word? penetrate? maybe that's just me though my thoughts when I read. My family's issues with money, my fighting parents, and my bickering siblings-these all disappear when I open a book. I put on a new persona when I leisurely read leisurely read sounds kind of awkward . I don't just read about events and discoveries; I experience them. Even with long and dry text, the words can still shout at me, calling for me to join their world; and I, with themYou're shouting at the words? Maybe clarify a little here . I can't interact as much with the words when I read quickly.

Reading slowly has made me proud in the way that it has allowed me to think freely. It liberates me from this fleeting state of the world and for once, I can feel like I'm in a sanctuary. When reading slowly, I am not pressured by the haste of the rest of the world. I actually defy it.

Slow reading also reflects my thirst to learn more about the world. For example, when there is a problem, I observe it like I observe a book. I wonder about the possible solutions to the problem, its origins, how it came to be, and why it's there. I then consider all possible solutions and depict myself applying possible solutions to the problem and then proceed to do it in real life. Like obscure and difficult texts, I try new methods until the problem is solved. The time necessary to learn the solution is inconsequential.

I'm proud to have been able to explore new personalities, ideals, and opinions about the world through my type of reading. It has given me a new personality in that I'm not a robot who processes as much information as I can. In this technological world that's obsessed with speed, slowing down may still be the best means of learning about the world and of myself.

I like your answer to the prompt, it's very original and you make yourself sound thoughtful, but not conceited. Content wise, I don't really see any ways to improve. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / 'dominance of one sex over another on different faculties' Cambridge Task [3]

It is a well known fact there is a dominance of one sex over another on different faculties. grammatically correct, but sounds kind of awkward

Should universities accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject? How it can influence the progress in study? Would it be more a benefit or a hindrance? All these questions will be discussed in the following essay.This seems to be a somewhat obvious/5th grade-y transition.

On the one hand, nowadays there is a great variety of subjects to study, and thus, students have the chance to choose from alarge amount of available professions. Subjects are divided into humanitarian and technical ones. These two sentences make it seem like the divide itself is responsible for the female preference for the humanitarian disciplines. For this reason, the majority of female students choose humanitarian disciplines, whereas male students choose technical ones. But there are some exceptions when women and men choose different disciplines however everything depends on student's skills for his or her chosen future profession. So this is the reason why it is impossible to accept equal numbers of different genders students. <- I don't really understand your reasoning here. Clarify or change this It seems to be difficult to imagine women working with gadgets like computer chips, dangerous chemical substances, engineer drawings and et cetera. You come off a tad sexist here, try toning it down

On the other hand, the question under discussion whether universities should accept equal number of boys and girls in every subject is still a disputable one. Undoubtedly, one of the advantages of these criteria is that the principle of justice and gender equality will be kept. Moreover, it will be more exciting for the youth to study and enjoy their time together how does gender equality make things more fun? . What is more, males can help females understand technical subjects, and vice versa girls help with humanitarian ones. Additionally, there will be a friendly team spirit and a nice supporting atmosphere between peers how would that be lacking without gender equality? .

In conclusion <- that sounds really obvious, try something more subtle , I think it is not a good idea to accept equal numbers of male and female students because they will be more attracted by each other than by studies huh? . Young people should be free to make their own choice and first of all try to find the proper profession for them to attaina success in future careers beneficial to their country and well-being.

It's hard to grade you on content because you didn't post up the prompt, but one thing I have to say it that you come off kind of sexist. Instead just saying "guys are better at technical stuff" perhaps delve into why there are more males in technical fields (perhaps societal expectations? wink wink nudge nudge)

Additionally your essay is very rigidly structured, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but here it's really obvious and makes you sound kind of childish.

Another thing, try substantiating your final argument a little better, here it seems you just kind of talk about the issue a little bit, and then take a stance, without much evidence backing what you're saying.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Baby, baby, baby' - Essay on self confidence - CommonApp [7]

You realize the word limit is 500? I think this is a bit over, so be careful.
Your essay has good humor and is engaging.
Without knowing the prompt, it's hard to grade your content, but one thing I'd say is that you probably want to focus your essay on one thing a bit more.

I found no blatant spelling/grammar errors.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'The duality of ideas' - Stanford Supplement Essays [4]

Thank you for your help!

Undergraduate / 'I had most things done for me' - GWU - What influenced you to apply [5]

Then you answered the prompt nicely. Yeah, I'll read the other one, but where do I find it?
Also, could you return the favor by reading through my Nicaragua CommonApp essay?

Undergraduate / 'I had most things done for me' - GWU - What influenced you to apply [5]

As a child I had most things done for me. I was well cared for and my family made the best possible choices for me. As I got older I had to start living my own life and making my own decisions, decisions that would shape my life. Just a few months back I had to make the biggest decision that I have ever had to make, a choice that would most definitely alter my life in decades to come. Sitting on my bed, laptop open, I searched and researched late into the night for weeks on end, attempting to pick a handful of universities from the hundreds of colleges that the USA has to offer, on most nights just staring confusedly at the screen. On such a day as I sat on my bed once again, while much later than I would have liked, I stumbled upon GWU, looking in to the website and reading about the rich history and all that GWU offered something stirred in me. By the time I finished reading the Bachelor of Accountancy degree overview I was wide awake and extremely excited.

GWU really stood out to me because I got the sense that they really cared about their students. As an incoming freshman, although as excited as anyone could ever be, I knew that travelling 1230 miles from my home in Sri Lanka and living alone for the first time would cause some turmoil in my systemsystem? what do you mean by that?. I found that the first year of the Bachelors degree in Accountancy includes a First Year Development Program where students are assigned a mentor from an upper class. It would give me someone to relate to, someone who has been through every feeling a new comer such as myself might experience. This certainly put my mind at ease. Something else that caught my eye was the fact that GWU doesn't just kick a student out of the nest when his or her courses are through. Through the Job Center, they make sure all their students find a place in society and are not just left out in the cold, giving a graduate the opportunities they need to live upto the potential the university has helped them achieve.

The course work alsoreally grabbed my interest. It requires you to take science courses, humanities, political science and even learn a foreign language. This really excited you already used the word excited, try something else me. It would give me the opportunity to grow as a person, learn a different array of subjects. Although I would still be specialized in accountancy I wouldn't be a single programmed accounting robot. Nice

"All that is valuable in human society depends upon the opportunity for development accorded the individual". I recognize the opportunities that open up to a business world enthusiast such as me if I am accepted in to GWU not just due to the interesting courses but also for it's location in the heart of the world. My grandfather would tell me stories of working at the world bank as a result I knew all about Washington D.C.. I know what the significance of being minutes away from the World Bank and International Monetary Fund and immersing myself in such political influence and history, holds. Opening doors otherwise firmly shut to me. <-sentence fragment

Many things about the university have influenced me to apply: the opportunities, my association of familiarity with the city<-awkard phrasing, it's traditions and history, its comforting feel, and an education of the highest standards. What I get by attending GWU is all I hoped for wrapped in one powerhouse of an university.

Don't use second person! "you this....you that...."
It's hard for me to grade based of content, because I don't know the prompt that you're answering, but it does sound like you're very interested in GWU.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / 'my family is always there' What Matters to Me: Family - Stanford Supplement [4]

When I first read "family" in the title, I thought "Oh great, another family essay." But when I got to the part about fourteen children, I changed my mind. Normally this would be too generic of a subject to write about, but I think your family is an exception. You do a good job relating the development of your interaction with your family " I wasn't doing this because I wanted to show her I loved her; I was doing it simply because I did love her." (ps- I really like that sentence) But you might want to focus more on how exactly you need your family and how the support/love/environment they give you helps you/impacts you.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'notable alumnus' - FIT fashion design major essay [2]

dodpop, I know how you feel. Last year, I took an AP Chinese class, we had to write so many essays in Chinese, I felt like ripping my hair out. So while I point out a lot of mistakes, I know where you're coming from.

China has been not such a popular country for arts and fashion Are you trying to say here that Chinese art and fashion is not popular, or that art and fashion is not popular in China? You might want to clraify. Since my youth, I been perturbed how hideous Chinese dress is. Being born in China, I felt bad for the Chinese people. The phenomenon of bad taste in style among the Chinese has beenmade very and very obvious over the years. I see that Chinese people do not have their own style. They always mimic Korean, Japanese or Western styles, yet they fail at attempt dressing like them. This obvious statement of mine has set stone in my mind. I am determined to study fashion design and change the Chinese community's tastes in style so that China may become the top country in the fashion industry.

I recall that since I was young, I loved everything about fashion. As long as I can remember, I have always been involved in activities related to fashion. When I was in kindergarten, my mom always took me to shop clothes for the family, and I would be picking my own outfits. The outfits I bought would always get tailored at the tailoring shop beside my complex. When they were modifying my outfits, I would watch and the dressmaker would teach me about fashion and tailoring over the times.

The fun days of being at the tailoring shop brought up a hobby - painting. I love sketching and designing dresses. I remember that my parents and grandparents gave me many different mediumsto encourage my drawing. And at the same time I was very inspired by a Japanese cartoon and decided to design wedding outfits for the main character. It was my mom who discovered my interest in drawing because as a naughty and stubborn child, the only time the only time when I was able to sit still for hours was when I was drawing.

As I grew older, I started to hand stitch clothes for Barbie with old socks. I was in grade one at that time, and had no idea of the techniques. With out the all the professional techniques and an expensive sewing machine, I stitched and cut lots and countless costumes for my Barbie and they were all wearable Different word here?.

Unfortunately，My interest in fashion was buried in my heart until I moved to Canada. In China, the parents focus on school and musical instrument education more than art and creative learning But isn't music art?. During the late 90's the Chinese still could not accept all the creative, fun and trendy pieces that were popular in the western countries. And becoming was a fashion designer was also an unwelcoming career. In contrast, when I landed in Canada, I recognized that western countries are very liberal; it can let you can[b] express your feelings freely without a hint of discrimination. I picked up art without [b]inhibition and re-launched my artistic journey.

Years later, I gained more and more knowledge of fashion and began also dressing myself up. Seeing friends who dress up really beautifully to school or to work everyday has become a normal thing to me. But since last year, when I visited my hometown China, the Chinese's way of dressing suddenly shocked me. Almost everyone looked like they just moved in to the cities from some kind of deprived country side. My old friends and family members all praised the way that I dresses. This made me realize that I need to change how Chinese people dress.

After returning to Canada, I started taking sewing classes in the tenth grade. And I was awarded with an outstanding achievement award on fashion design and textiles and design. I was often graded 92 percent up to 100 percent for my textile classes. I am always learning new techniques and skills. Since I love everything about fashion, I am improving myself in everything related to fashion. I became more social and share information with friends and teachers who are highly knowledgeable about fashion. I am also planning on attending Skills Canada - fashion design during this term.

I feel that I am a perfect candidate for FIT because I am truly passionate about fashion trends and how people take care of their looks. And I have an ambitious dream. I met with a judge at the national portfolio day last year, and I was described as a "little crazy girl". The reviewer thought my works were very creative and I am a wild girl who can even go further beyond. With my creative mind, I assure that I can succeed in the fashion industry by making my first step in FIT. FIT has many notable alumni and this make me even more excited to be a part of the school.

An interesting story about yourself, I feel like I really got to know you. One thing is that you probably want to focus more on the first part of the prompt :What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT?

Here you only have one paragraph answering that question.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Chasing the Answers' - Cornell supplement for CAS [3]

I see no blatant grammatical or spelling errors. So good job on that.
Your essay jumps around from topic to topic, fitting, considering your initial claim. However, it seems to me more like a collection of paragraphs. You have transitions between paragraphs one and two, then later on between four and five. Maybe you could try making the transitions between the other paragraphs a bit smoother.

You might want to also have another paragraph tying together your essay, maybe expand more on something common to all of your interests?
I loved it when you used the phrase "mystical organ", that made me laugh. Whatever you do, don't take that out!
You also started your last paragraph with the word "but". Try "As much as these subjects/ideas fascinate me, the subject that has captivated me the most..."

Overall though, I like it. =)
Good Luck!