Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by rinam77 [Suspended]
Joined: Nov 22, 2011		 Last Post: Nov 27, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 8
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rinam77   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'New York City Experience' - UC Prompt #2 [6]

Hi,

Your story sounds really good and it must be really exciting to perform in the parade. Your story itself is good just need to work on some things.

"got off on the wrong stop on the subway - more than once, and experimented on peculiar food served my street vendors". - I think you should reword the sentence and change my to "by"

On the day of the parade people filled every available space in the streets and sidewalks just to get a view- comma after parade

"We love N-Y-C." the crowed became electrified and chanted the words with us.- change crowed to crowd

However, in New York there were (many) Indians, Asians, Black(s) ( add a ,) and (delete and) White(whites) and everything in between

They all looked so different and (delete and) ( add a ,) yet they were all so similar, they all had depth and substance, which was unlike the type of people I was used to.

As I looked one last time out the window of the plane ( add a comma ) it dawned on me that the short time I spent in the surreal city changed me completely ( maybe you can change it to " changed my life completely".

I really like your last sentence. Hope i helped

I think overall you story is really good
rinam77   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / UC #1, The People behind my curtains [3]

Your story sounds very good, but i think you can change some things.

"Not having any memories of my father, I knew I was raised only by my mother" - I think you can reword that better

"I also had to move to California at the age of seven; I didn't know why" - You should get rid of the word "also" and change didn't to "did not"

'I cried to the world saying, why did God take him away. People told me that there are people who are in a worse state than I and told me to stop whining. I wanted to know who they were and see how their lives were worse than mine."- i think you can make the first sentence better , The second and third sentences seems kind of awkward.

"I realized that there were" - I realized that there are people with worse conditions than mine. Maybe you can make it sound better than what I wrote

"I thought the world kept hating me because couple years later"- I think you can reword that better

"I wanted to help save people's lives and improve their health"- wanted to "want' or I have always wanted to...

"To me, helping their mind and emotion is more important than their physical body because I believe illness that occurs in people's body is caused by their mentality such as depression." - comma after mentality

"I also have a lack of tolerance for blood and wounds so treating those problems would be a hassle for me."- delete also

Letting out their angers and worries made their mind more relieved and relaxed.- Comma after worries

I listened and tried my best to help- i have listened and tried my best to help them

It's good to hear positive results but that doesn't happen all the time- comma before but

negative results come in and it pains me to not being able to help. - being to be

Moving to California was a sign for me to see how much I've missed out- Comma after California

Overall really good story
rinam77   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / UC prompt 2 " Taking responsibility for your actions" [5]

Hi everyone,
Can any one please help me and tell me if my essay sounds good or bad. I take any form of criticism.
I also would like to know in our essay do we put a title or not ?

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

My father and I arrived at the hospital; I was very confused, all I knew was that I was going to get a big surprise from my mother. When I hear the word" hospital" I automatically think that someone has gotten sick. I knew for sure my mom was not sick, because she would eat apples all the time. As the saying going goes "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" was true because she never would get sick. My mother was/is "healthy as a horse". When I entered my mom's hospital room, I saw that she was holding something, but I was not sure what it was. As I got closer to my mom I saw that it was a baby girl my mom was holding. The day my sister was born was the day that impacted my life.

I was a little girl, who loved having the attention of both of her parents. Growing up I never had to share anything, I thought I had everything I ever desired and it was all mine. Whenever, my parents had friends over and they brought kids, I was expected to share my toys with them. The saying "sharing is caring" never really suited me. I was the child who would share my toys only when my parents told me to, otherwise I never really shared or cared about the other kids. When my new baby sister arrived everything changed. I felt as if I was being replaced. I started rebelling to my parents by acting up and doing things I would never do. I was so frustrated; I just wanted my little sister to go away. One day, I did something very terrible to my baby sister. My baby sister was on the sofa sleeping, I pushed her on to the floor. I was mad, because my parents gave my favorite plush elephant to her. As she fell to the ground, all you could hear were her cries heard throughout the house. My parents rushed immediately to my sister. I grew nervous, as my parents questioned me on what happened. My parents decided to take my sister to the hospital to check her out. As my sister was getting checked on the doctor, I told my parents on what happened. To say that my parents were mad was out of the question, my parents were extremely furious. The doctor told us that my sister was fine, that was when I felt so relieved to hear that.

The day my sister was in the hospital made me realize that I have to be responsible for my actions. Looking back, I felt that I was a bad sister who was impregnated with jealousy and anger. I never truly felt the quality "responsibility" before my sister was born. Growing up, I have learned to take care of my sister and be responsible for her. What I went through that day as made me become a more responsible person I am today.

Thanks for all the help
rinam77   
Nov 26, 2011
Undergraduate / First to go to college! uc prompt 1 [6]

Your intro sounds very good, but i think you need to add more about why your parents could not go to school and what you have done to become more successful.
rinam77   
Nov 24, 2011
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 - Coming from a world of technology [4]

Hi,

Can anyone please help me with my introduction

Prompt- Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, communtiy, or school-0 and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Coming to America, a whole new country where you do not know the language or the culture must be hard, but having a newborn baby in a whole new country with no money or job has to be the hardest of all. My parents came from India in search of a life full of prosperity and happiness. My parents worked hard day and night having multiple jobs and there main job of taking care of me; they earned a lot of money and slowly but surely bought everything needed to have a home and bright future. I remember my parents buying a T.V. and how I use to watch the people in the T.V. and learn from them. Technology has helped me today in learning English and has helped me be aware of my Indian culture and my American culture. My name is Rinam and I come from a world full of technology.

P.S. does any one have any more ideas i could use in my essay
Thanks
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