Posts by phenotype

phenotype

Jan 23, 2012

Undergraduate / The Blind Boy That Taught Me How To See / RISD [5]

Thank you so much!
I edited the essay; mostly the beginning and end.

THE BLIND BOY THAT TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE

Documentaries. That was the name of the section I had to pass through to get from Comedy to Independent. I limbered up to prepare myself for the trip. As I looked down the aisle, it stretched and became longer and longer. I crossed in, and fastened my pace. "Don't look, don't look, don't look..." I told myself, in fear it's DVD cover would bore me to death. A few seconds later, I safely arrived at the other side, and grabbed several DVDs off the shelf in order to celebrate.

Most of my peers hated documentaries, so I was convinced that they'd be a waste of my time as well. However, boredom is at times a force stronger than conformity and I found myself watching a documentary about a 16-year old boy named Ben Underwood on YouTube. He was a very independent individual that could ride his bike, navigate on his own, and do -anything a "normal" kid his age could do, and more. Of course, Ben was not normal. He lost both of his eyes to cancer at 2 years old. However, through teaching himself a technique called "echo location," Ben was able to "see" objects through sound, like a bat would. I was in shock. I was inspired. I was hooked.

The British TV network FIVE originally broadcasted the show that featured Ben. It was called "Extraordinary People," however; I think the word "extraordinary" is an understatement. I've spent months watching this series, and it has shown me the strength of people deemed to be weak, the amazing intelligence of those regarded as retarded, and the beauty in a world filled with cruelty. That was just the beginning - there were literally millions of other documentaries focusing around the planet, culture, and essentially, a different view of the world we live in.

Before documentaries, I was aware of the hardships of the disabled, but I was never aware of their amazing capabilities. I was naïve and ignorant. I thought documentaries sucked. I was wrong. I thought those who were handicapped were extremely different from those that weren't. I was wrong. Many perspectives were revealed to me through this series, and from them, I learned to look at every aspect of my life through a different lens. This provided me with an open mind, and with it, I can discover the extraordinary without a TV and DVD player.

(Words: 397/400)

phenotype

Jan 22, 2012

Undergraduate / The Blind Boy That Taught Me How To See / RISD [5]

Is there anyway I can change it from pretty good to very good?
Is this topic too cliche?
Help! Please and thank you.

phenotype

Jan 20, 2012

Undergraduate / UVa - PLace to get lost - "Lost in the Woods" [4]

The light streams through the trees creating moving shadows as the leaves blow in the wind. The leaves from the past fall crunch underneath my feet as I run through the woods. I duck to avoid branches and leap over fallen logs without a second thought. I interpret the forest constantly, always knowing which way to turn, when to jump, and when to stop. I slow my pace and realize I have accomplished my goal: I have no idea where I am.

When I was younger, I spent every free minute in the woods by my house. Using our hatchet, I formed my own trails that led me to my hiding places. In these trails I would imagine fighting epic battles with the minions of evil. I warded off these imaginary villians with a wooden sword my neighbor had made me. I slashed and spun my sword, training myself alone in the woods ~~for some day that I thought~~waiting for the day I would need ~~these skills with a sword~~such battle skills . In the woods, I could do whatever I wanted and when I would tire, I would just stand there and look around at the trees and the patches of visible sky. I had created my safe haven.I think this fighting would be more cohesive if placed in the first paragraph. I'm confused about the tense used in the first paragraph. At first, I thought you told it in present tense to give more life to a memory in your childhood, but now I'm not so sure that was in your childhood after reading your second paragraph. If it is a memory, why is there a cut between that and the events occurring in the second paragraph?

I still have yet to ~~need~~use those sword skills but the forest ~~still is~~is still my safe haven. There is nothing like wandering without a goal, just finding things as ~~you~~I go. There may be a tree to climb, a creek to cross, or a briar patch to pick ~~your~~my way through. As I catch my breath, I close my eyes, feel the wind wrap around me.~~and~~I slowly exhale and I know that I am lost. I have made my own path because I did not follow an old trail, and now it was up to me to find my own way out.

I think you're off to a great start. I am intrigued by your hiding place, and although you provided lovely imagery, the part about your imagination as a child intrigued me most. I think that is the part you should elaborate on because there is so much to talk about there. Furthermore, I really wanted to know HOW this forest has made you feel. I wanted to read about the comfort you felt, or the relief. Maybe the woods is an escape? Maybe it's an exit? What you're physically doing is nicely described, but why you're in there and what the woods do for you provides more substance in my opinion. If you focus more on what you're trying to say, and your structure, I think you will have produced a fantastic essay.

Keep in mind, this is only the honest opinion of one person. Its okay to not follow my advice; it won't hurt my feelings. (:

phenotype

Jan 20, 2012

Undergraduate / The Blind Boy That Taught Me How To See / RISD [5]

RISD PROMPT Is there something you love, have to do, can't stop thinking about? Write about a personal passion or obsession other than visual art or design.

THE BLIND BOY THAT TAUGHT ME HOW TO SEE

The cicadas' call echoed my room, disturbing my slumber, and I despised their lack of a snooze button. The sunlight created an uncomfortable glare, so I receded farther into my pillow fort, crossing into the dark side. The heat within my cave paired with the summer's 7-day forecast of sunny with a chance of sun, caused beads of sweat to roll down my back. It was only 8 A.M. and I had already explored my friends' Facebook pages, watched my YouTube subscription videos and dominated the noobs in COD. I didn't know how I would get through the next hour. And then Ben Underwood happened.

I crossed into the world people refer to as "the weird part of YouTube" and through the weirdness I found a series that occupied, and continues to occupy, my life in many different aspects. The video I found was about a 16-year old boy named Ben Underwood. He was a very independent individual that could ride his bike, play any sport, battle on his Gameboy, and do anything a "normal" kid his age could do, and more. Of course, Ben was not normal. He lost both of his eyes to cancer at 2 years old. However, through teaching himself a technique called "echo location," Ben was able to "see" objects through sound, like a bat would. I was in shock. I was inspired. I was hooked.

The British TV network FIVE originally broadcasted the show that featured Ben. It was called "Extraordinary People," however; I think the word "extraordinary" is an understatement. I've spent months watching this series, and it has shown me the strength of people deemed to be weak, the amazing intelligence of those regarded as retarded, and the beauty in a world filled with cruelty. This show led me to seek other compelling stories, and I added High Existence and RadioLab to my obsession. A girl without a face, a man with autism, a woman without half her body, a boy without part of his brain - they all overcame the injustice life handed them, and I, completely healthy, could not even overcome my own attitude.

I stepped out of my fort, into the sunlight whose rays caressed my skin. The cicadas congratulated me by singing. Today, I was going to do something productive. And tomorrow. And the day after. And through this productivity, I hope to discover the extraordinary person within myself.

(Word count: 400/400)

This is the link to the video if you're interesting. It is truly inspiring: youtube.com/watch?v=qLziFMF4DHA
Do you think I should include this link in my essay even though I'm at the maximum word count? I'm not sure the admissions office would even have time to look at it.

phenotype

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / I would rather risk my grade than my integrity & passion -UC Prompt [4]

I particularly love to photograph the elaborate jumps, spins, and lifts ~~of the~~ in figure skating, my favorite sport. -- If you have words to spare, you should elaborate on why you love to photograph ice skating or why it is your favorite sport. If your passion comes through in explaining this, the rest of the essay consequently becomes more powerful.

The overbearing teacher attempted to restrict my unorthodox ways by giving assignments that counted towards my grade.

I refused to be discouraged by projects of photographing garlic and bicycle tires, trying to convert to these topics. -- Awkward wording

In the end, the crucial decision to photograph as I pleased, regardless of how it affected my grade, did damage my marks; however, expressing myself was more important to me because art represents the simplest outlet of my voice, and for that freedom to be dictated ~~seemed to~~ hindered my personal imagination.

Photographs are accurate snapshots of a scene, using nature's beauty to evoke emotions, while photoshopped pictures are digitally manipulated to alter the true perception of the image. I realize that computer-altered art can be done tastefully and inspire new forms of media; however, it discredits the fundamental process of photography. -- I think this would fit better in the second paragraph because it elaborates on why you decided against photoshop.

I am aware of my passionate personality, often choosing to trust my guts and take leaps of faith. Even if that means that I pursue my own successes and failures, I take pleasure and pride in ~~knowing that I'm~~ following my heart and learning from my mistakes.

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I really like your essay, and I think its admirable that you stood up for what you believe in as many people don't have that ability. Good luck in the rest of your college application process. (:

phenotype

Nov 30, 2011

Undergraduate / SAIC Personal Statement / My Art Is Human [4]

Thank you very much! I really appreciate all of the help.
I just sent in my essay. Wish me luck. (:

phenotype

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 "My room of rest" [17]

This is a much more focuses essay in my opinion because it expanded the importance of your sanctuary. I now realize that it is more than just a place where you think, but a place that has helped you realize your future as it changed a negative experience to a very positive one. I also like the chain reaction happening in this one: dad talks about future leads to the bathroom which leads to the realization which leads right back to family. Therefore, there is a relationship between your bathroom and family, rather than a separation, both of which has helped you decide to become a doctor.

Minor things:
Keep present tense in the first paragraph: The restroom is a sanctuary for my life. Outside of those plastered walls are people, like my parents and friends, who try to place ideas in my head and make personal decisions for me. The bathroom is a place where I could complain about the iniquities of life and analyze myself and my actions. In a space so small and modest, it provides me with a sense of security and secrecy. I am able to be independent and decide the course of my own life. Of course, my parents eventually override any brilliant proposals that I derived from the lavatory with one of their own.

Really awesome job. (:

phenotype

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / Emory Supplement: Favorite Amusement Park Ride [2]

Looking down from my height, I could see the people below, even though there were only a little larger than pinpricks, for miles . I grit my teeth. This definitely looked better from the ground. But I have always been one to try everything ~~firsthand~~, and see it through to the end ~~no matter what~~ , n ot that I had a choice right now. My seat slowly eases to a halt, as I hang suspended more than 300ft in the air. Feeling slightly nervous ~~as I do before the beginning of any ride~~, I glance up at big blue letters suspended on the steel lattice: Supreme Scream. The person next to me is clearly terrified, slunk back into his seat. I do not disparage him for his attitude toward the ride; to each his own.

Suddenly I'm plummeting like a rock through the air, the wind and the ride's namesakes blasting into my ears. After grinding to a halt, I'm slowly climbing back up again. Then I plummet(different word, as you already used the work plummeting in this paragraph) for another fifty feet. But no matter how fast or hard the fall, I always get back up.

My stomach heaves after a sudden stop followed by a particularly nasty drop. Though I wish I could exert some control over the ride - to prevent any more plunges like that - I do not overly fret about things out of my control. So I sit back and enjoy the ride, through all its ups and downs.

This essay is well written and it does say a lot about you. I don't think you skimped on the details regarding the second half, and I especially like how the answer to the second half is more implicit, as it is shown and not told. This strengthens the last line, which I think is a very clever metaphor.

I tend to find it helpful when someone tells me what my essay reveals to them, that way I can add and/or take away as I see fit.

What is your favorite ride at an amusement park?
-Supreme Scream
-Roller Coaster
-Fast, tall, extreme rides

How does this reflect your approach to life?
-Always follow through
-Tries new things
-Brave
-Non judgemental
-Not a control freak
-Optimistic

phenotype

Nov 27, 2011

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 "My room of rest" [17]

Hello!

I really like the idea that your bathroom is your sanctuary. It's creative, and definitely reeled me in. However, I am left rather confused about how you feel about your parents and aspirations.

FIRST PARAGRAPH: So, in the start, you seems to want to get away from your parents and friends by going into your sanctuary. This is because you don't like the fact that they make personal decisions for you.

I think you should consider getting rid of the line "out there were scientists with the remote to my control panel ." Although it makes the setting more universal as it creates the idea that the shelter helps you cope with the world and not just your parents, the rest of the essay doesn't follow up with it because towards the end, it focuses more on your parent's and their influence.

Also, I don't like the line "It was a place where no one would hear what I thought about others and how I viewed the world. " It makes you sound less confident, as if you're hiding because you think your thoughts and views are not important enough to be heard. I don't think you're like this. Instead, perhaps elaborate on some of the things you think about in the bathroom, things you couldn't think about in the outside world.

SECOND PARAGRAPH: You start out with "Stepping into new and unfamiliar territory didn't change how I saw things " but then you go on to talk about familiarity in your bathroom, such as memorizing the wall colors. Also, I'm not really quite sure how you saw things from the first paragraph.

The line "Typically, in foreign landings, I would ruminate over my recent encounters and how I should have dealt with the situation with more pizzaz, but on such occasions where my father would castigate me with tough lectures or my friends would converse of their aspirations as a rocket scientist or as the nation's president, I take time to question where I was headed and if my future is really what I want and not what others want. " I like this line and I think this is the main focus of your essay as it follows up with the first paragraph. This line makes the bathroom more meaningful because it is where you can contemplate what YOU want, and not your parents.

"Sure, my home was a place of independent thinking, but whatever thoughts that I produced were from an inexperienced mind. I was only a fledgling to the eagles that my parents were. They have lived in constant struggle; my parents always tried to balance their finances to provide my brother and sisters and me a quiet environment without worries. So, as I sat there, in the utopian society that was my bathroom, I decided that I want to strive for success as a doctor and provide for my parents, who put in the effort to raise me"

This seems to contradict your point. So, at first, you used the bathroom to help you make decisions for yourself because you did not want your parents to make them for you. However, then you realize your parents' struggles, and suddenly, you're going to become a doctor because they wanted you to. I think you avoid this, you need to elaborate on why you want to be a doctor, besides the fact that it will make your parents happy. The second part of the prompt is "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations" and right now, I'm not sure if its your bathroom or your parents. Maybe even both.

Keep in mind that this is just my opinion, and I might be being way too picky.
I think you have a great start, however, you need to focus a little more on what you're trying to say, and then clarify that point. If you have any questions, or disagreements about anything I said, feel free to let me know. Good luck!

phenotype

Nov 26, 2011

Undergraduate / SAIC Personal Statement / My Art Is Human [4]

PROMPT: Writing is a very important component of being an artist. We will be looking closely at your ability to compose an essay, as well as the manner in which you utilize text as a tool. We are interested in finding out more about you, why you do what you do, and why you are a strong candidate for SAIC's undergraduate program. Please also include information about community service projects, exhibitions you have participated in, or any other activities that contribute to the making of your work.

(SAIC is an art school in Chicago)

ESSAY:
My Art is Human

"Never judge a book by its cover" is a metaphor reminding humans that beyond what the eye can see. In fact, the most important substances of a person, personality, attitude, ideas, etc., are invisible. Scientifically, the most relevant of a person is also invisible as we unable to see the molecules that make up a human. In this sense, I believe my art is human.

While I do believe aesthetics is a factor in my work, the main driving force and substance is the concept, which lies underneath the surface as I use metaphors and abstraction to create my work. This force motivates me to continuously explore, research, and experiment, which has made me more well -rounded and accounts for much of my personal and artistic growth.

The obsession I have with humans has led me to create work concerning social aspects of human life as well as the human condition. However, my current fascination in science has allowed me to expand beyond that causing my more recent work to focus around cycles and loops. My exploration deals with more than just ideas, however, which has caused me to become familiar with more than one medium.

In order for my art to continue to improve, both conceptually and aesthetically, I myself must expand my knowledge and techniques as well. I truly believe The School of the Arts Institute in Chicago is a wonderful fit for me because it allows me to explore many majors as well as many mediums.

Even though much of my art is revolves around humans and has the potential to make an impact, I understand that it is not a solution. After all my art is only human.

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I'm not quite sure what else to add to it...or if it even fits the prompt. Feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.