Unanswered [15] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Buffomatic
Joined: Dec 24, 2011
Last Post: Dec 30, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 11  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 14
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Buffomatic   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'assumptions rather than knowledge' - intellectual vitality- stanford supp [9]

I just dont' think it's a good topic to begin with. Doesn't really show intellectual vitality and this essay kinda goes nowhere. You either call your dad foolish and ignorant or you don't have a valid point. I would suggest writing on a different topic.
Buffomatic   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I often feel sorry for my dad' - Common App Essay Influential person [6]

I feel that the essay contains too much plot and story and not enough description of how the person influenced you. Talk more about how you've changed because of your dad or how your dad has inspired you to "imagine new ways in which technology can assist us."

Also I feel that this is a little too harsh and degrading on your dad. I guess that this shows that you have had a hard upbringing but I dont think your dad is as torturous and violent as you say he is, or at least don't let the colleges know that.

Soften up the harsh imagery and shorten the story time and add more thoughts on how your dad has changed you for the better and you got yourself a winner.
Buffomatic   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford Essay. Roomie... Here I come. [7]

Yeah I was confused about the vegetarian part too. Definitely restructure that. Just like jimmy tang said, you should cut that line out because I don't think Stanford would want a guy who makes it difficult to give straight answers. Other than that I think it's a great essay. Stanford is tough but I believe you got the quirkiness that they are looking for.

I would love it if you critique my essays as well! Thanks.
Buffomatic   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I seek change' - Why Rice? [6]

I see your point dma. I think I will change it. It's too ubiquitous.
Buffomatic   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I seek change' - Why Rice? [6]

what happens if i already talked about their programs in the previous short essay about why I'm applying to the school of choice?
Buffomatic   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I seek change' - Why Rice? [6]

What motivated you to apply to Rice University? Please be specific and limit your response to 200 words.

I seek change. I'm tired of my boring city of San Jose, everyone minding their own business with no intention of making new friends. Diversity is low and at night the city isn't buzzing, it sleeps. Houston might as well have insomnia because there is always something going on. I crave that southern hospitality, the fact that I can walk into a store and feel at home, never a stranger. Rice University is teeming with diversity however with Rice's small student body and low faculty to student ratio, everyone is one big family from the students to the teachers. The atmosphere at Rice has a certain warmth to it with the weather humid and the temperature hot, somehow everyone there seems comfortable from the Academic Quad to Greenbriar parking lot. College campuses are crucially important to me and the Byzantine style buildings are gorgeous on the eyes and a dream to work in. Residential colleges intrigue me. No more alpha, beta, sigma. No more hazing, roughhousing, and initiations. Everyone is a family yet everyone is so different. Everyone has unconventional wisdom. A prestigious school with a mix of bright students all inside a comforting owl's nest, that sounds like home to me.

Thanks for reading!
Buffomatic   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Day I Caught a Thought" LOL sounds like Dr. Seuss (Cornell App Essay) [22]

This is quite profound and has a very unique topic. After all the other critiques I don't really have anything to say.
I was hooked from the start and I really wish I could read more!

From your writing I can tell that you think quite differently from others and that's exactly what Cornell looks for. Great job.
Buffomatic   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Love for charity work' - Rice - Why apply to your school? [2]

With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study.

I love charity work. I love to raise money and awareness for different causes. Growing up attending Tzu-Chi Chinese School, an international humanitarian organization, helping the needy has always been a big part of my life. Ever since 9th grade I've been buying and selling electronics online and local to not only make allowance for myself but also to donate a portion to charities such as Red Cross and my personal favorite Love146. A year ago I started a clothing company with my friend to raise money for Love146, a charity against child sex trafficking, and I've been loving charity work ever since. I now donate to more charities such as Invisible Children and Child's Play.

I want to become a businessman that cares for and donates to the less fortunate and majoring in Economics at Rice's School of Social Sciences would be a great foundation. Rice's Economics Department is brilliant and contains a myriad of courses that I am interested in such as World Economic and Social Development as well as Managerial Economics. Rice is the only University that I am applying to that has a class on social development which is very important to me as I am hoping to learn more about how business can affect social causes. The Economics Department also has an Independent Study Course which I would love to be a part of as being able to customize my education to include specific research on how business benefits charities is not possible elsewhere. The Economics Department is one of the largest in Rice but it also has small class sizes which means that I will have more individual attention and a better education overall. Being able to learn directly from Professors Anna Bogomolnaia and Simon Grant would give me a clear advantage as they can work with me one-on-one to help me achieve my philanthropic goals. I want to understand how economics can benefit society and Rice's School of Social Sciences has all the classes and top notch professors I need.

Thanks for reading!
Buffomatic   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / "Entertaiment Technology" - Carnegie Mellon Supplement Essay [2]

I instantaneously became fascinated with new technologies. No need for exclamation mark.

Other than that it is a great essay and I think you will have no problem getting in Carnegie Mellon. I like how you specifically talked about you accomplishments and what you want to pursue in CMU.

I will warn you though that Dr. Randy Pausch is a common topic in CMU Supplements. Just a heads up.
Buffomatic   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Choir has opened door for me' - Rice supplement essay [3]

I like the overall topic but the essay definitely needs to be longer. I suggest expanding more on your experience in Choir or even talk about your father's fight with cancer and how you took care of the family in your parent's absence.
Buffomatic   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bungee Jumping' - Rice University Supplement [3]

I didn't notice that. I changed it to "although I no longer go jumping with my friends, the friendships and commitment i made with them will always stick with me"
Buffomatic   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bungee Jumping' - Rice University Supplement [3]

The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)

I take a few deep breaths, circulating the surrounding cold 30oF air through my shaking lungs as I close my eyes, waiting for the next step. My shivering body is held tightly together by a couple of straps that seem all too fragile. As the 15 mph winds blow around me, I reach down to take off my shoes before it's too late. They tell me to walk forward so I do, one step at a time until my toes starts to drift off the edge. I close my eyes once again, afraid to look down, as I reach my hands toward the comforting sky. My heart beats faster and faster, my palms start to sweat, and the muscles in my thighs begin tightening up. I hear the sound and I jump.

I used to go bungee jumping every other Saturday with a group of friends. We called ourselves "The Peregrine Falcons" because Azizi, one of the members, said that we dived similar to how falcons dive, at speeds not suitable for humans. We were an odd group of four that met early in August of 2010 at a bungee jumping place in the Sierra Nevada near Sacramento, CA. Azizi was the eldest at 54 years old and an Egyptian that moved from Alexandria, Egypt to San Francisco ten years ago and started bungee jumping as a hobby because he needed a place to release his stress from his job at IBM. Kimberly was the only girl in the group and was born in Austin, TX before moving to Sacramento. She was an elementary school teacher who always talked about her kids during our long car rides. Our leader was Landon, a 22 year old college student from England who studied Greek History and Mythology and always rambled on and on about Hermes and Poseidon. And then there was me, a 16-year-old Chinese kid who dreams of becoming a successful entrepreneur who also helps charities but is stuck at school until I figure how to. We were all different and didn't resemble typical bungee jumping daredevils, but we traveled together, jumped together, and hung out together every other Saturday like brothers and sisters.

I was the youngest, most naïve, and least experienced of the four, but I fit right in. I learned more about life when I was with them than any school lecture or research paper. Although bungee jumping is a rather scary activity, I always felt safe because I was surrounded by my friends. Strangers used to walk by and stare at our group and wonder if I was Azizi's and Kimberly's child but I assured them that I wasn't. I was their friend, companion, partner even if all of our ages and ethnic backgrounds were worlds apart.

Although I only went jumping with my friends a few times the friendships and commitment I made with them will always stick with me. I bring to Rice the ability to connect and make strong bonds with people no matter how different they are from me. I know that Rice is a community with great diversity and I believe my experience with my jumping partners has shaped me to be able to get along with anybody. I understand that Houston is worlds apart from my city of San Jose but I want to try something new and Houston is just that place. Rice is home to 6,000 students each with a plan to change the world one way or another and I want to be immersed in that innovative atmosphere by connecting with many of them and being a part of their cause. When I meet new people I'm a social butterfly without butterflies in my stomach and I hope to bring that attitude and with it discover new friends, new goals, and a new home at Rice University.

Let me know what you think! Thanks!
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