Undergraduate / 'first impressions are everything' - Boston University Review [11]

My revision suggestions:

To me, the most unique thing about myself would probably be my fixation with decision theory and game theory, and the appliance of both to everyday life (not sure if life would work here, so you might want to try words like matters or occurrences - a thesaurus will help you). Each are very dense concepts to comprehend - and I would be amused if my roommate was familiar with either - but overall, I would be keen to establish that the effects of these two theories on how I think about the world and its surroundings. I'd explain that decision theory, combined with game theory, presents a concept called 'competing decision-makers'. These decisions take into account the other possibilities of different individuals to respond and to what rational or benefit (I don't really understand this sentence so if you could explain what you mean or reword it I'll be able to help). A classic example is a possible flu pandemic; if a person believes there will be an outbreak of flu virus tomorrow, he has two choices: he could have the flu vaccination, or not. Most likely, the idea of a flu pandemic will cause him to take the vaccination. Now, take the possibility that every person is also competing for one, and there are none left. The original person is now in a dilemma, born from his rational (is rational a noun when talking in this context? I'm not as familiar with these concepts as you are but you might need to say "rational decision" or "rational choice") to receive the flu shot. Overall, you can predict almost every possible rational judgment a person will make, and where this decision will place them. I believe this is an crucial concept to explain to my roommate because its vital importance to me, and if he can understand how I think and analyze matters, he can better understand who I am. It would be a memorable occasion, as I would always recall that my first encounter with my roommate involved my trying to explain a concept that, for most, takes years to comprehend.

Undergraduate / 'a soccer pitch' - Extracurricular Activity [11]

Haha that's fine, I finished with all of mine last night so I've not got anything to do! I'll keep checking to see when you've uploaded it and I'll have a look at the others now :)

Undergraduate / 'a soccer pitch' - Extracurricular Activity [11]

I think it's quite good, in that it conveys how you developed and what you took with you as a result of an experience. It's hard to make your short essay really impressive since there is such a tight limit, it's more your long essay that needs to really shine. I wouldn't worry if I were you, I think your's does the job :)

Undergraduate / 'a soccer pitch' - Extracurricular Activity [11]

Much better! Here are my suggestions:


Change the comma to a semicolon and see if you can link this sentence with the next one to improve the flow


Delete 'it'

A good idea would be to only use a word once; so maybe substitute 'understanding' in this sentence or the next with another word, like appreciation or something


Having a rigorous academic course load, I was consumed with hours of studies


It's 'whether'

Undergraduate / 'My interest in mechanical engineering' - common app [6]


Change it to: If you ask a sailor where Polaris is, he will probably point to a star somewhere in the sky.

Undergraduate / 'a soccer pitch' - Extracurricular Activity [11]


Change to: Everytime I walk onto a soccer pitch I learn something new.


If you can find another word for vital, you can delete 'most' and add 'est' to the end of the word, if you get me - like 'my biggest achievement'.


Change 'only' to 'just'


Delete 'my'


You need to change 'is' to 'was' because you're speaking in the past tense


The veteran players showed no respect to me, or any of the new players.


That same year I was made captain.


Through this role I gained a firsthand experience of being a leader and my understanding of leadership was advanced.


Not only did joining the team further my involvement in leadership (you might find a better word for leadership since you ended the last sentence with the same word)


Since I was a science major, I was enveloped with hours of homework and projects.


Coming home tired and exhausted (maybe just one of these words or choose another because they essentially mean the same thing), and 4 hours late due to practice, didn't help either.


Whether it was taking an hour-long nap,


In essence, I give thanks to the opportunity I was given when I joined the soccer team. It was a major experience that shaped who I am today, not only as a player, but also as a scholar.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Biomedical Science (UK admission) [4]

This is really good! Your beginning is v different to how students in the UK are taught to write our personal statements, so I'm not sure whether or not this will work to your advantage but if you've done your research I'm sure you'll be fine. Overall I think it's strong, but be wary that you might have to take more characters out, because UCAS randomly adds 5 or 6 when you paste it in. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'the mysteries of the world' - Common Application main essay [5]

I really like this one but just need to point out you've missed "find" or a similar word from this part :)

Undergraduate / Cornell Supplement Essay College of Arts and Sciences [3]


Maybe revise this to: From age ten, I would always hear my father complain of the preposterous bills that had been enacted into law.

For the next sentence, it isn't clear who your father is talking about - is it the legislature or the government in general?

The third sentence is good but it's not 100% clear why your father saying things based on assumption. I know what you're trying to say - that you wanted to properly inform yourself and not just go off what he said, but you might be able to make this clearer. This isn't a big change though.


Make the beginning: It was only until... Also, when you talk about the author, do you mean Voltaire? If so, maybe it would make it clearer to write: required me to analyze how Voltaire is able to convince the reader of his ideals that I was able to make a connection.


More in depth is good, but it could be changed to something better, like "to a deeper extent" or "at a closer degree", something like that maybe.

Also, "but willingly agreed to know that it would involve going deeper into our government's policies" - should be "but willingly agreed to, knowing that..."


My take on this would be: Government of any form, unlike most other things in our ever-changing world, will always exist, and our freedom of speech enables us to make changes that will improve our society.

It's a good essay though so well done!

Undergraduate / 'getting the ball into the hole' - Common APP Short Essay [7]


Maybe make it: As they say, everybody needs a stress reliever, and golf is mine.


My take on it would be: It is the perfect way for me to end a stressful week of school projects and nagging parents, and enables me to escape from all of this and into a world of my own.


In this world, I no longer have responsibilities like cleaning my room, which is... (I wouldn't put annoying here...maybe look in a thesaurus for a similar word, because it might give off a wrong impression). My only focus here is getting the ball into the hole in the fewest number of strokes. I start with the beginning drive, usually imagining that the ball is something that has been bothering me, like my messy room. I stare at it and scold the ball thinking it is that bedroom and, when I swing, I unleash my fury at the maximum level. As violent as it may seem, this course of action brings great pleasure to my mind because, theoretically, I have cleaned my room and my parents are happy. This continues for all 18 holes, and by the end of the day, I have 18 things less to worry about.

Really like the ending so well done!

Undergraduate / 'volunteering in the Cardiology Clinic' - COMMON APP SHORT [13]

You probably want to put spaces after a fullstop, and make sure you've got capitals on every "I".


Possibly change this to: My alarm goes off - it's 8 in the morning (or possibly 8 AM if you want to cut characters) and I'm rushing to get into the shower.

Overall the rest is to the point but maybe add some connecting words to help with the flow of things, so you're not always starting a sentence with I did this etc.

Undergraduate / Linear Reasoning in Math Competition [4]

This quote doesn't seem to make grammatical sense, did you mean to say teammates in the plural or singular?


I like this whole sentence but you could change this:


to: and we are dreading hearing the bell that signals the end of the round, since we have spent so much time on this question.


This first part (As I...Mean Girls) doesn't make sense to me. Also change "smell the sweat of me and my teammates" to "smell the sweat of my teammates and I".

Your last paragraph is really good, but I feel like you've used "problem" a lot...maybe look in a thesaurus and see if there are any other words that could fit the meaning you're portraying.

Overall it's really good and shows your passion, you come across well in this essay!

Undergraduate / I want to be a farmer- Cornell College of Agriculture and Life Sciences essay [3]

I really love the way you transition from modern events to a mini background of yourself, it ensures your essay is personal. Your acceptance of the way things will be - "No, I am not going to wax lyrical about the loss of nature and urban sprawl, because it is almost certainly inevitable. There is too little space for too many people, and so we chop down the trees. We mow the grass and stir the earth before planting skyscrapers." - shows you are not too blind to reality, and I think this can only show maturity to the admissions officers really. I think the ending is very good, and can only really offer advice for a bit more flow - "Those living in rural areas try their very best to leave their farms behind, entering the cities in search of low-wage jobs as factory workers, because being farmers pay even less." This isn't a big change so it's probably only for cosmetic reasons that you might want to change this, although I do think you've got the content perfect and the lack of grammatical/spelling errors is a bonus!