Posts by BillyIon

BillyIon

Dec 31, 2011

Undergraduate / Stanford supplement -- bungee jumping [6]

A gentle mountain breeze licked my skin. If it could taste anything, it would taste the chilling fear reeking from my cold sweat. I was born with a severe case of acrophobia - I was even sometimes scared to look down from a second floor balcony. But at that moment I was looking at a safety pool three hundred feet below the wavering platform I stood on. I was about to bungee jump. For a full three minute I stood there gripping the support beams for dear life, vacillating between giving up and trusting the six inch thin bungee cord.

I've always aspired to have warrior's mentality like the heroes in the epics of Homer but when trouble came, I usually lived with it. I was too passive, so I needed a red badge of courage to assert control over my decisions. All my troubles, all my regrets could have been avoided if only I was strong enough. Henry Ford once said that "whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." Fear made me thing I can't. I had an opportunity to change my mentality on one of my greatest adversities, and I couldn't say no. So I closed my eyes and 3, 2, 1, I jumped.

Bungee jumping reflected the debilitating effects of self-doubt in the most extreme form. If I had the courage to face one of my greatest fears just once, then I can face the other forms of insecurity just the same. What matters is conquering fears because in doing so, I can conquer the greatest obstacle to success: myself.

I have around 500 characters remaining, what should I add and stuff?
Be harsh plz

THANKS!!!

BillyIon

Dec 31, 2011

Undergraduate / (librarian, dilapidated classroom, an addict) - NYU Supplements [10]

Aside from minor grammar errors and such, if I were an admissions officer, I'd shit my pants.

BillyIon

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Thomas Sowell Reader - Columbia Supplement - 3 short essays [6]

These essays have really strong core ideas, but for the second essay, I think that the second half became too technical. I'd suggest emphasizing on the curiosity you presented in the first half or present something that relates to the "perspectives" you mentioned in the 3rd essay. Otherwise, very strong writing.

BillyIon

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Slam and pointer finger' - Stanford Univ. - What matters to you and Why [4]

Hmmm I agree with mDubs, you need to be more direct that your finger matters to you BECAUSE it inspires you. The essay had good writing, but it was too descriptive.

BillyIon

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / "Black man from the hood"; Common app- Diversity from Tutoring [3]

A few years ago, my father found a new job in a different state, but I stayed behind to finish the school year. A devout Latter Day Saints family opted to take me in for the following months. Even though I wasn't religious, I would still go to church with them every Sunday. One day the bishop asked if I, along with other youths my age, would be interested in tutoring inner city kids. It was an opportunity to see another culture away from the congenial suburbs, so I said yes.

My student was a freshman named Tyrone. Ostensibly, he looked like the stereotypical "black man from the hood." He sagged his pants, carried a basketball, and even wore a comb in his afro, but one peculiar feature was a big blue notebook he carried under his arm even though he had a bag. His personality, though, was anything but. He lived with a single mother and was an ex-gangbanger, but he told me a "significant event" changed his life. Instead of embracing the hood, he desired to go to college and become a writer. Noticing the big blue notebook I asked what was written in it. It was his book of raps. When I asked what he wrote about, he told me it was on his perspectives and dreams. Because of my inherent naivety growing up in college towns and gated suburban communities, I haven't yet realized just how unique his aspirations were, given his background. But when he performed his raps, he made a connection from his world to mine. Through his word choices, rhyme schemes, references to culture, I was able to feel the ineffable emotions and themes from his life. Although I didn't suddenly reach an epiphany or suddenly empathized with inner city kids, I began to see something outside the culturally closed Chinese traditionalist philosophy I grew up with. I even felt a bit jealous of him ï that's right; a middle class suburbanite jealous of an inner city kid. I wanted something more than the academics and extra-curricular activities. I wanted to ability to express my thoughts and transmit feelings from my mind to others. I wanted something to understand myself with. So I said to Tyrone "teach me how to rap."

I grew up aspiring to be a leader by having superior skills, but meeting Tyrone taught me understanding. I was better in academics, but how could have I taught him if I couldn't relate? Learning to rap wasn't just learning another form of expression, it opened cultural awareness. There are thousands of quotes on the internet stressing the importance of diversity, but few ever tell why. Through my encounter, I discovered that diversity allows us to see from other perspectives. These perspectives add to the understanding of self, and of the world.

Be harsh, thanks!!

BillyIon

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App Essay *Teach me how to rap* [7]

* EDITED

A few years ago, my father found a new job in a different state, but I stayed behind to finish the school year. A devout Latter Day Saints family opted to take me in for the following months. Even though I wasn't religious, I would still go to church with them every Sunday. One day the bishop asked if I, along with other youths my age, would be interested in tutoring inner city kids. It was an opportunity to see another culture away from the congenial suburbs, so I said yes.

My student was a freshman named Tyrone. Ostensibly, he looked like the stereotypical "black man from the hood." He sagged his pants, carried a basketball, and even wore a comb in his afro, but one peculiar feature was a big blue notebook he carried under his arm even though he had a bag. His personality, though, was anything but. He lived with a single mother and was an ex-gangbanger, but he told me a "significant event" changed his life. Instead of embracing the hood, he desired to go to college and become a writer. Noticing the big blue notebook I asked what was written in it. It was his book of raps. When I asked what he wrote about, he told me it was on his perspectives and dreams. Because of my inherent naivety growing up in college towns and gated suburban communities, I haven't yet realized just how unique his aspirations were, given his background. But when he performed his raps, he made a connection from his world to mine. Through his word choices, rhyme schemes, references to culture, I was able to feel the ineffable emotions and themes from his life. Although I didn't suddenly reach an epiphany or suddenly empathized with inner city kids, I began to see something outside the culturally closed Chinese traditionalist philosophy I grew up with. I even felt a bit jealous of him - that's right; a middle class suburbanite jealous of an inner city kid. I wanted something more than the academics and extra-curricular activities. I wanted to ability to express my thoughts and transmit feelings from my mind to others. I wanted something to understand myself with. So I said to Tyrone "teach me how to rap."

I grew up aspiring to be a leader by having superior skills, but meeting Tyrone taught me understanding. I was better in academics, but how could have I educated him if I couldn't relate? Learning to rap wasn't just learning another form of expression, it opened cultural awareness. There are thousands of quotes on the internet stressing the importance of diversity, but few ever tell why. Through my encounter, I discovered that diversity is important because it allows us to see from other perspectives. These perspectives add to the understanding of self, and of the world.

its kinda short at 470 words, but damn, I can't think of anything not cheesy to say.

1. Is it well organized?
2. Does it clearly express a part of me?
3. What more can I add that's not "padding"
THANKS!!

BillyIon

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Intern at Equality California' - Columbia supplement -- Meaningful cultural event [3]

I like it, but you need to relate it to YOU more. Sure it was amazing and stuff, but WHY was it so meaningful to YOU.

Maybe you should mention somethings like "LGBTQ is portrayed in a very demeaning way in pop culture and the media, but seeing so many people supporting the same principals was amazing."

BillyIon

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Common App Essay *Teach me how to rap* [7]

I've never really lived a very stable life, plagued with family issues and my father's constant unemployment. But it was this instability that allowed me to explore the more diverse aspects of life. A few years ago, my father found a new job in a different state, but I stayed behind to finish the school year. A devout Latter Day Saints family opted to take me in for the following months. Even though I wasn't religious, I would still go to the five hour long sermons with them every Sunday and wake up at 5 AM on weekdays to go to bible school because I was curious to see the lifestyles of people I rarely associate with. One day at church, the bishop asked if I, along with other youths my age, would be interested in tutoring inner city kids. It was an opportunity to see another culture of life away from the congenial suburbs, so I said yes.

The student I had was a freshman named Tyrone. Ostensibly, he looked like the stereotypical "black man from the hood." He sagged his pants, carried a basketball, and even wore a comb in his afro. His personality however, was anything but. He was focused and organized, and he was patient and confident. One peculiar feature was that he carried a big blue notebook under his arms even though he had a backpack. When I asked him what was written in it, he told me it was his book of raps. When I asked him what he rapped about, he told me his perspectives on the world. I, as a suburbanite, have only heard "rap" music on radio and at parties, but when I listened to his lyrics, I saw a gateway to another culture. Through his lyrics, he told a story of his ambitions and struggles, the inequities of his poverty, and the power of his will.

As first generation immigrants, my father was not culturally open. I grew up in an environment where I was expected to humbly bow down my head, study, go to college, get a job, and then die. But Tyrone expressed emotions, themes, and feelings that are ineffable. The pleasure to create a work to touch the feelings of other is art; this is a taste of humanities. Art adds to one's understanding of self and doing so helps one to live in peace. I wanted to meet life at the intersection of science and humanities. So I said to him "teach me how to rap."

Ok its kinda short ATM at 460 words, and I haven't really concluded it.
But what do you think???
Do you think my 3rd paragraph isn't that well developed?
Do you think the topic is cheesy?

I'm applying to the Ivies (i know right -.-)

THANKS!!!!