Posts by taboriginal

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a never ending line of risks I refused to take' What matters to you and why? [10]

Stanford - What matters to you - Water - Will return favor if reviewed

What matters to you, and why?

It is common knowledge that water is essential to life. Without that wonderful compound, the world as we know it would cease to exist. Every sensation from the kiss of the sun on my face to the simple satisfaction of a full stomach to the exquisite pain of a sore muscle is possible because of water. Water, in addition to sustaining life, is also inherently beautiful. I could stare forever at the way a ray of sunlight dances through a single water droplet. But more beautiful than even that is its ability to flow. When faced with an obstruction, water does not try to push it aside but rather flows around and over it, encompassing the obstruction in its journey. When faced with an obstruction, I strive to be like water and adopt it into my journey, as when my mom left the family.

She decided to leave at a time of great change, splitting the family up when we needed each other the most. At first, I tried fighting her decision, this most painful of obstructions, but no matter what I did or said, she was as resolute and unyielding as a rock in the water. So I took a cue from water and sought to accept the change instead. I flowed around and past the obstruction, picking up the responsibilities of my new life without a mom. Conscious of my two younger sisters who needed a mother more that I, I stepped in best I could. As rivers merge, I merged the life of a high school senior, filled with school, extra curricular activities, and social outings, with the life of a mom filled with laundry, encouraging words, and nights of homework help. With the fluidity of water, I accepted the obstruction and flowed past it, learning more about myself and my ability to adapt in the process. Water is the reason why my blood can course through my veins and the inspiration for the fluid adaptability with which I now live my life. For these reasons above all others, water is what matters to me.

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Bhagavad-Gita, my Hindu bible, my source of truth and my go-to for guidance: common app [2]

I feel detached from their lives

What stanza?
The last sentence is a little confusing. I understand what you are trying to say, but I think it came out a little wrong.

This is really well written and you did a really good job of talking about how it has an effect on you. Overall, well done and I wish you good luck.

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / "Have you dissected any sheep eyeballs before?"; Indicate a Person of Influence [5]

Good description and very well written, but it is more of a description about your teacher. Emphasize the effect on you, especially outside of the getting you interested in psychology. Did he have any other effects on you that you did not mention? Conclude with a general thesis or summary about how he affected you and how you will take that into the future. Good hook.

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'pressure of my GCSE art course' - Intellectual vitality - stanford [4]

- Spell out the acronym GCSE first so that the admissions people know what it is
- I just switched the order of the section in red because I thought it would sound stronger and make more sense that way.

Pretty good overall, but I would just say to focus more on the effect it had on you. This essay reminds me of the letter to your roommate, which I also read, in that it feels a bit impersonal. I know it is Stanford, but still try to have fun with the essay and put your personality into it.

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Logical person' - Letter to roommate - stanford supplement [4]

However, the advantage of having a rower for a roommate is that I will have a constant supply of food and will certainly share as long as crumbs are not left everywhere.

The letter is very informative and reveals a lot about you with some side comments in there that makes it entertaining. I would say to maybe try and make the beginning and end a little more original and memorable, but at this point, I think that your letter is good to go.

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'the dumbest of my parents' children' Common App personal Statement essay [8]

This is pretty good, but I would focus less on the job itself and concentrate more on how it affected you. I would also replace "sugarcoating" with another word, maybe sympathy, or kindness, or something of that nature.

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Divorced parents and the average Joe' - Stanford - Intellectual vitality [3]

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

When I was little, I was a pirate. And a princess. And a superhero. I was all of the countless characters whose stories I would immerse myself in for hours on end, lost in a flurry of pages and worlds full of possibilities. These stories made me realize that I can do anything.

As a powerless kid with divorced parents who were always fighting, I spent most of my time in books, where the hero always gets a happily ever after. What was fantasy to some became reality to me. Every aspect of my life became a commitment to excellence, a will to succeed, a desire to create my happy ending. I resolved to never again feel powerless and to help those who did. Books inspired me to dream of a future where I can give others a voice that they otherwise would not have.

In a world of big money politics, it is hard for the average American to be heard in government. But in a country that governs by the people, for the people, and with the will and consent of the people, someone needs to be the hero and voice for the Average Joe, who feels more disillusioned each day. I want to be that hero. Protecting the principles of the Constitution as a lawyer or judge is my dream and life's goal. If this were a book, I would fly in, cape flapping in the wind, and defeat the enemy that is the metaphorical injustice in government.

Unfortunately, life is not a comic and I, tragically, cannot fly. I wish I could be a costumed crusader fighting crime in the streets, but I realize that I do not have any special powers except for a mind full of knowledge and a heart full of passion for what the Founders envisioned for their country.

Giving a voice to millions of Americans as a lawyer or judge seems like a tall order, but if a hero can triumph against all odds, then so can I. Fiction, fantastic as it is, cannot even begin to describe what a determined girl is capable of.

I may end up wearing a suit to work instead of leather and latex, but that does not mean I cannot be a superhero.

I really appreciate you looking at my essay and will return the favor. However, I really need help on my "what matters to you, and why" essay and would again really appreciate it if you looked at that one. Thank you!

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'My cousin came over last week' - Stanford Roomate Essay [4]

It is good, but I think that it is more as if you are telling a story instead of telling someone about you. Think about it this way, if you were talking with someone face to face and they asked you to tell them something about you, is this what you would tell them? Also, avoid slang like "fangirled" because it can be unprofessional and the admissions people might not understand what it means. But I really like the point you make about music being universal. Again, avoid "fob" because they might not understand. Think about what you want to tell your roommate. Is the only thing you want to tell them that you have a disdain for American music and only listen to Kpop?

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Brown Describe a moment when your perspective changed -- Fast feedback [2]

It is good and the story behind it is really good. The few corrections I made were just to get rid of contractions, which you should avoid in formal papers as a general rule. I also changed "fire-red" to "fiery" because I thought it was more descriptive, but all my comments are just suggestions. Your essay is descriptive and well-written. Read it out loud to yourself to make sure that no parts of it sound awkward. Good luck!

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Lets have a momentary leave from reality- Stanford commonapp [8]

- Sorry, but the "leaves" part confused me because I thought you were talking about actual leaves. "Departures" has the same meaning, but is more clear.

- Take our the comma after relaxation
- I added "of the plot" after "Aspect" because it was a bit ambiguous
- What is "it"?
- I would say to maybe rephrase that. "Strange" is unnecessary because a quirk is by definition odd. Maybe rephrase to something like "quirky hate of confusion"

- You had an uncapitalized "I"
- I think the "have to deal with" is unnecessary and I changed "favorite" to the American spelling.
- "When the time comes to buy my own house" is more concise and stronger
- "Been looking forward" shows that you still look forward to it
- This part is a fragment, and I think that you could rephrase it to make it stronger

All these are only suggestions, but I hope they help. If you are applying to Stanford, I assume that you are intelligent enough to figure out that the bullet points correspond to the sections in different colors. Good luck!

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Macbeth and Socratic seminars' - Stanford Univ - Intellectual Vit. essay! [8]

Pretty good, but in some parts, it sounds like you are just throwing a big word in to impress the admissions officers. While you use the words correctly, they seem out of place and almost disrupt the flow of the essay. Something I do that is really helpful is I read the essay out loud. If it sounds awkward spoken then it will sound awkward to the admissions people.

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / Science in daily life / Study dedication - essay for Rice University [2]

***When talking about the school, avoid statistics that the school already knows about. They want to know that you chose Rice because of something special about it, not because it is just prestigious. It is decent, but I think you are missing the prompt a little. They want to know WHY you enjoy it and what speaks to you.

Hope this and my last post helps!

taboriginal

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a never ending line of risks I refused to take' What matters to you and why? [10]

What matters to you, and why?

My greatest fear is looking back on my life and seeing a never ending line of risks I refused to take. A never ending line of regrets. Risks I did not take because I was afraid of getting hurt or even failing. I feel like there are too many people like this. Too many people are content to sit back in their comfortable, unassuming lives, not willing to risk a little to gain the world. They fail to realize that when you take a risk, you only gain, even if it is just knowledge. But then, knowledge is more valuable than anything else I could ever have. I used to be one of those people. But then I was thrust into a situation where I had to make a choice. I had the option of risking embarrassment or playing it safe. Playing it safe would have meant being mediocre, something that would have been so simple and so easy. I could have let myself focus on graduation, ignoring the chances that being at a new school presented. But as Greg Anderson once said, "Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." What would I gain if I spent my senior year as another face in the crowd? The only things I would learn would be what my teachers taught me. So I started to focus on the journey, taking the scenic route to graduation instead of the highway. I joined as many extracurricular activities as I had time for, and then some. And I have learned from each and every one. From choir, I learned how good it feels to play piano again. From Latin, I learned how good it feels to be looked up to. From mock trial, I learned how natural it feels to be in a court room. From my new school, I learned how hard but rewarding it is to put yourself out there despite the risk. Most importantly, I learned that I am strong enough to not need a security blanket to do what I love to do. This and all knowledge is what matters to me the most. And that knowledge is all I need to turn my dreams into my future.

***Please be critical. I appreciate your reading my essay, but it will not help if you just tell me how great it is to spare my feelings by not pointing out rejection-worthy flaws. Thank you!