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Posts by abck300
Joined: Dec 31, 2011
Last Post: Jan 3, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 10  

From: Canada

Displayed posts: 14
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abck300   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / Dream Comes True! [My choir experience-APP ESSAY for Japan Intl Uni] [3]

I was in grade seven when I joined my school's choir. I never thought that such a small step could turn my life upside down. It turned me into a completely different person. I was an ordinary kid who lived in a very simple world. Everything was flat. Thus, I auditioned for the choir, hoping it could give colors to my monotonous life. And it did.

Becoming a choir member was not easy. I thought that all I needed to do was singing, but I was wrong. My first choir competition was a big disappointment because the members could not get along. Since then, we took character building lessons. We learned about teamwork and solidarity. As time passes by, my choir team became very solid and it positively influenced our performances as well. Together, we shared a big dream: we wanted to be the world's champion!

It all started by small performances and concerts. Then, we joined national competition and became the champion. We also joined a few international competitions. In 2010, we joined the most prestigious choir championship: World Choir Games. The process was very tough. We practiced three times a week after school. We skipped many classes. Assignments piled up. I had to take exams on materials I didn't even understand. Moreover, I didn't take any courses. In holidays, the choir team practiced for hours. On top of my frustration, I suddenly realized that later in my life, I won't focus doing only one thing. I will face different things that I must handle as well. I decided to take this process as a lesson for me. I said to myself that I must confront everything wisely. In the end, I could give my best in choir while maintaining good marks. I learned to manage time efficiently.

It turned out that all the hard work was not in vain. We became the world champion. For many months, I struggled hours after hours each day and my efforts all paid off. It was all over and I had no regrets. I became a maturer person with high confidence, all through my experience with the choir. This is new me, who's ready to welcome challenges, and with my tenacity, I believe I can do anything.

You have many mechanical errors. But your story is fantastic! Your choir must be awesome :)
abck300   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / UChicago Favorite Things Essay - "Lolita/Frank Sinatra" [5]

First, thanks for reviewing my essay !

I love both essays !! I think you have a wonderful writing skills and it clearly shows.
Love the connections between music and your personal experiences. And plus, I love all of the musicians you mentioned :)
I also like the fist one. It really makes me want to read the book.
Overall, great job !!
I hope you get into UChicago, and I think you will :) Good luck !
abck300   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / My Y BU essay (Economics department) [9]

These are the things you mentioned in your essay
-City
-Studying with smart students
-Diversity

I think you are commenting too much on the city and too little on how BU can help you achieve your academic goals.
Almost everybody who's applying to BU talk about the city and the campus. To make it a little more personal, talk about the
academic opportunities you can take advantage of at BU. Not much to comment on your writing skill. Just look out for the second sentence.
It sounds a bit awkward.

Other than that, I think you have a solid essay.
Hope you get into BU ! :)
abck300   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'interest lies in Economics' - Northwestern Supp Essay [4]

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

In 2006 Northwestern Commencement, President Obama stood on the platform and read a passage from the scripture that says, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, and I thought as a child. But now that I've become a man, I put away childish things." When I began my college research, I knew that I was looking for a school that will teach me how to be a grown up: a school that will teach me how to think, how to care for the world, and how to contribute my knowledge for the benefit of the communities. Northwestern perfectly fulfills every aspect I'm searching for in a college. At Northwestern, my education will not be something to get out of the way, but something to be enjoyed and celebrated with a sense of purpose.

My primary academic interest lies in Economics, which makes Northwestern an exceptionally appealing choice. With the world-class education that Northwestern's economics department offers, I know I will acquire valuable knowledge in the area. I will always be at ease, knowing that I'm under the guidance of distinguished researchers in the field. After all, it's a school where the president is an economist and teaches undergraduates. Apart from economics, however, Northwestern will also let me acquaint myself with various disciplines, thus discovering the intellectual treasures of this world. It's a valuable opportunity to take advantage of, since I've spent past five years in a school with very limited course choices.

While the academics at Northwestern are breathtaking, what drew me even more was the research opportunity for undergraduates. I am particularly interested in researching the trend of income inequality in U.S and its causes. Within the campus, I will be able to make use of the abundant resources that the school provides, including over five million volumes that libraries hold. Outside the campus, I will be able to conduct my research in Chicago, a city that has one of the world's most diversified economy, but also has a huge wage gap. I will be able to see with my eyes the conditions in U.S. and find the correlation between theoretical knowledge and the real life. I will definitely be able to find the purpose of my education through the various research opportunities.

The diverse community of Northwestern will also teach me how to be a grown up. I will make lifelong friendships with people who have walked different paths of life, share the stories, and unite under the common identity: Northwestern. I want to be surrounded by people who look different, think differently, and speak differently, yet all wear the purple sweatshirt that has Northwestern printed across. The community that Northwestern has to offer is simply amazing, and I will be honored to join.

Four years from now, I will be getting a diploma. If it happens to be one from Northwestern, I will be sure to know that it's much more than just a ticket for a career. It will mean that I've gone through four years of vibrant learning experiences, not just from lectures, but from every aspect, and that I've become a better person, a better global citizen.
abck300   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "one's personal legend is one's only true obligation" - Common App Essay [5]

I'm sending this in less than an hour !!!! Please help !! I'll return the favor

Like many unusual stories, this one begins on a rainy day. It wasn't pouring but bad enough that I took a shelter inside a café. I ordered a cup of coffee and sat by the window dotted with raindrops. Stevie Wonder's Ma Cherie Amour resounded in the building, its echoes blended with the soft rhythm of the falling rain. I looked outside the window and watched people walking by. And I think that was about the time when the young couple appeared on the street.

They stood on the opposite side of the street and looked at each other with a shy smile. Then the man pushed a button on the portable CD player he brought. A loud music blasted out. The couple exchanged a glance, smiled, and began dancing. It wasn't for the money, and it wasn't for anything else. They just danced. And for the next ten minutes or so, I had to let my coffee grow cold because I could not help but watch them perform.

Hundreds of people might have walked on the street that day, but no one has taken steps with such determination and passion. The two dancers were leaving a mark, engraving their existence in this world. There was no haste. Every move they cherished, and every beat they enjoyed. A light of genuine happiness illuminated on their faces, and the confidence was embedded in every inch of their bodies. Their passion drew people like a magnet; hasty walks came to a stop, and impassive faces began to light up. In the midst of rain, people gathered around the couple and cheered. A vivid color of liveliness spread across the humdrum street.

Every human being comes to this world with a purpose. And like Paulo Coelho said, I believe that realizing "one's personal legend is one's only true obligation." Through the window of the small café, I was looking at two people who met that obligation through dancing, people who remained loyal to the words of their hearts. They were complete strangers, but with every move of their bodies, they were telling me something important: when dancing means everything to you, you don't need a nicely set stage. In that moment, I felt a heat inside my body, a violent aching of my heart. For how long have I ignored my own voice?

I quietly exited the store. Raindrops fell on my skin, but it didn't feel unpleasant. My heart gave a lurch as I walked up the street. Feeling a mixture of shame and excitement, I turned my head to see the dancers for the last time. Then I walked on.

I don't know if they still dance on the street. But I'm sure they are dancing somewhere, just like I am walking towards my own dream.
abck300   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not going to keep playing violin anymore' - U-Penn [10]

Yeah I do think that the beginning is a bit too long. You did a great job of explaining what you want to get out of Penn, but I'm not so sure about the "contribution" part. You mentioned interesting things like art, violin, gymnastics, yoga, climbing. So explain what you are going to do with those things once you get into Penn. Other than that, I think your essay is good.

Good luck with your application !

And please help me with my Yale supp :(
I have to send it today
abck300   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Hyperlinks ruin me' - NYU Supplement Essay - What Intrigues You? [4]

I agree with Ace. Maybe talk less about why Wikipedia is so popular and focus more on why it's important to you. You know, if you have any experience where the random knowledge you got from wikipedia became handy or something, put that in your essay. Other than that, I think your essay is really well written! Good luck with your application.
abck300   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'three dimensional problems' - BROWN Supp [6]

Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you indicated?
(300 ch. word limit)

It always amazes me how we interact with the nature and with each other, forming a giant network. From this simple truth, we have created a quite complicated interactive system, and by studying economics, I will be able to analyze this system and seek for the ways to improve efficiency and equality. (300 characters)

A distinctive feature of the Brown Curriculum is the opportunity to be the architect of your education. Why does this academic environment appeal to you?

(700 ch. word limit)

We live in a three dimensional world with three dimensional problems; they are multidisciplinary in nature. Though I want to major in economics, I know that economics alone will not provide sufficient answers to the challenges we are facing. Therefore, during my undergraduate years, I want to acquaint myself with various disciplines that will help me analyze economy from various perspectives such as psychology, sociology, and history. I am strongly confident that my education and experience under the Brown Curriculum will prepare me to tackle the real life problems and to maximize my potential; I would like to explore the ocean of knowledge in a spirit of free inquiry at Brown University.
abck300   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "Battling for Passion" - Evaluate an experience (Common app) [4]

I think you should leave it as it is. It's an awesome essay and I love the format. Plus, I don't think the ending is weak. I'm sure your essay will stand out from other language-related essays. Great job !
abck300   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I look at my watch' - Yale Supplement [5]

You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

I look at my watch. Seven twenty. It's ten minutes before the concert, and I am standing on the parking lot, my silhouette swallowed by the darkness. I could be in the building doing final sound check or reviewing the concert schedule. But I choose to stand here, alone. Feeling the chill of the winter breeze, I stare at the solitary light coming off of a streetlamp. Silence and calmness. These are the things I need in this moment.

I'll say that it's some sort of a personal tradition. I always spend some time alone before the beginning of a performance. It's my effort to stay respectful to music; when I perform, I want nothing to stand in between myself and music. Only when the canvas is blank can a painter truly fill it with the strokes of his brush. It's same with me; I need to empty my mind of all noises before I can play anything. So I stand here, in the parking lot, listening to the whispers of the breeze, the clicking sound of my shoes, and the crispy noises of leaves sweeping the ground. From afar, in the darkness, I can see the towering trees gently shaking in time with the breeze. I can see the stars illuminating in the pitch darkness. My only obligation is to seize this moment. Let my lungs be filled with chill air, and my mind be filled with the calmness of the scene.

I look at my watch again. Seven twenty-eight. I must go. I enter the building and walk towards the backstage. As I open the door, unpleasantly warm and stuffy air rushes out. The place is filled with noises, carrying that excitement just before the opening of a concert. I casually walk up to the stage with other members and put on my bass. The conductor steps onto the stage, and the audience ceases the conversations. Awkward silence. I can feel the tension on the rest of the band, but I am in my calmest mood. I am here to create something new, something different from the last rehearsal. I am here to seize every moment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get going; the show is about to begin. As usual, it begins with the counts.

One, two, three, four ...
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