Undergraduate / 'the center for intellectual disabled children' - Volunteer - Short Answer [6]

I fixed a few grammar mistakes and reworded sentences. But I find your paper unorganized; it's everywhere. I find it very confusing. You went from talking about working at a center to winning the lottery at the very end. And I don't really see what this has to do with volunteering. -I don't want to seem mean, but this is my opinion.


*change to difference


*and crying like any other kids (or children).


*Some five year old kids were small, like newborn babies. Other


*begging for money to live through the day.

Essays / I need a quote / maxim for an essay [12]

Flowers for Algernon is a well written book. I read it in middle school, and had to write a paper similar to yours.

*"For a short while he had forgotten how bad he is, how he makes his parents suffer."

-Charlie Gordon suffered from mental

--I really like this link. Will help a lot.
kohkaijielanguagearts.blogspot.com/2010/03/flowers-for-algernon-is-ignorance-bliss.html

books.google/books?id=NRWlitmahXkC&pg=PA142&lpg=PA142&dq=suffering+in+flowers+for+algernon

Hope this helped!

Undergraduate / Gay Brother - COMMON APP/ Significant Experience [12]

Sorry for the late reply shereen85. Thanks for reading my essay. :)
I would grammar check your essay but I don't see a link to your paper.

Undergraduate / 'Science is the concerted human effort' - University of Michigan [5]

I agree with cukaracha. Solid topic, but add yourself into it more. And long sentences.

Undergraduate / Gay Brother - COMMON APP/ Significant Experience [12]

Wrote more, but I'm stuck on the conclusion. Please read over.

Throughout my eighteen years of life, I would have never anticipated that I would be in this situation. Not for the first time either, but for the third. As I stare at the computer screen, rereading those two words over and over again, I begin to reply back.

"I'm gay", stated my younger brother.
"I still love you", I typed, hoping he knew I meant every word.

Accepting that my younger brother, Jody, is gay was never a problem for me. He and I are the closest out of all our other siblings, sharing almost everything with each other. Even our names are one in the same. I was nervous though about Jody coming out to our family and friends. Just because I am open to who he is I could not assume everyone else would be as well. Most of our family members had no problem with it; my mother and sisters even stated that they knew all along.

Some friends and students from school, on the other hand, were not as kind. They would deliberately make hurtful comments when my brother was in hearing distance, and even try to talk him out of "his way of life." At times, these comments would force me to question how i feel with having someone so close to me be gay. Is sexuality something that should even be talked about in public, or should I just turn my head to what others may say or think?

In the end, I came to realize that it is not I or Jody who should be second guessing how they feel but they should be for making such ignorant, hurtful statements. My brother is happy and proud with who he is, and so am I. Jody has showed me the world in a new light: that it is okay to be different (strange), not to give in to what others think, and to always be true to yourself. Jody became a spark of hope to others who have had their on flames distinguished.

I learned that during your teenage years your mind in still a sponge, absorbing whatever it deems important; usually what is repeated often is considered valuable.

Undergraduate / 'Hosting a ceremony in a nonnative language' - Common Essay [9]

It flows much better than your first one. Didn't find any grammar mistakes. :)

Undergraduate / 'becoming a chef' - Why Duke-FOCUS Program and sport scene [2]

Like the first paragraph, but look at your use of commas.
For second paragraph, tell more about why you want in the program- don't just explain what the program is about.

Undergraduate / 'WHY I DO NOT WEAR PANTS' - Common App [7]

The beginning is really good. Caught my attention instantly. But I got lost after the quote you used. Leggings?

Undergraduate / Gay Brother - COMMON APP/ Significant Experience [12]

Thanks for reading. I am going to add more about myself, I just needed to know if I had a good beginning.
-I'll help with yours. :)