unwana11
Jan 11, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experiences with various cultures' - Penn State Personal [6]
No I didn't mention that in other parts of my application.
No I didn't mention that in other parts of my application.
unwana11
Jan 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'diagnosed with Clear Cell Sarcoma Type II' - USC ACADEMIC INTERESTS [4]
@Mureille could you please look at my two essays... Thanks a lot, I'm trying to round them both up today..
@Mureille could you please look at my two essays... Thanks a lot, I'm trying to round them both up today..
unwana11
Jan 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'going back to university' - If you could go back to sometime and place in the past [3]
Your ideas are well thought of, but as Jennyflower said you should spend more time editing your grammar, and once you are past that stage your essay would be fine.
@Jennyflower could you please look at my personal statement for Penn State
Your ideas are well thought of, but as Jennyflower said you should spend more time editing your grammar, and once you are past that stage your essay would be fine.
@Jennyflower could you please look at my personal statement for Penn State
unwana11
Jan 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'ProTrack co-op program' - FIT Application [7]
@Prettywings could you please look at my other two open threads. I am running late on deadlines so i am trying to get as many essays as possible done.. Thanks for your help
@Prettywings could you please look at my other two open threads. I am running late on deadlines so i am trying to get as many essays as possible done.. Thanks for your help
unwana11
Jan 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experiences with various cultures' - Penn State Personal [6]
okay, so i was trying to talk about both qualities that's why i seemed to jump from topic to topic.. Can you look at this now and tell me what you think??
okay, so i was trying to talk about both qualities that's why i seemed to jump from topic to topic.. Can you look at this now and tell me what you think??
unwana11
Jan 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experiences with various cultures' - Penn State Personal [6]
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.
MY ESSAY
As a dedicated and hardworking person, I feel I have many qualities that will lead me to success as a Penn State undergraduate. My high school was a multicultural school, with students from more than 50 countries all around the world. I am accustomed to a culturally diverse environment. My experience will make me successful in Penn State because of its multicultural atmosphere. Annually in my school, we have the International Day, where families bring traditional foods from their countries, and dress in their native attires. I constantly look forward to this day because I am eager to learn about other cultures around the world. The world is becoming a global marketplace and there is no harm having a little knowledge about the different sections of this market. Being surrounded and influenced by these unique and fascinating cultures has provided me with a multi-faceted view, which I believe will allow me to thrive in Penn State's diverse community.
Furthermore, Penn State is a school that strongly emphasizes education and sports, and I believe with a base like this my success will even be greater. In my current high school, I hold the position of the captain of the soccer team, which has great responsibilities. I know that during my term as team captain, I have learned to be more tolerant when working with other people, and I have acquired very key leadership skills.
My relationship with my peers and my teammates has grown, due to the personal qualities I have discussed. I have learned to put people's opinions in perspective whenever I'm making decisions and try to not cross the lines of other people's beliefs. The traits I have mentioned I believe will play a big role in my success at Penn State.
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.
MY ESSAY
As a dedicated and hardworking person, I feel I have many qualities that will lead me to success as a Penn State undergraduate. My high school was a multicultural school, with students from more than 50 countries all around the world. I am accustomed to a culturally diverse environment. My experience will make me successful in Penn State because of its multicultural atmosphere. Annually in my school, we have the International Day, where families bring traditional foods from their countries, and dress in their native attires. I constantly look forward to this day because I am eager to learn about other cultures around the world. The world is becoming a global marketplace and there is no harm having a little knowledge about the different sections of this market. Being surrounded and influenced by these unique and fascinating cultures has provided me with a multi-faceted view, which I believe will allow me to thrive in Penn State's diverse community.
Furthermore, Penn State is a school that strongly emphasizes education and sports, and I believe with a base like this my success will even be greater. In my current high school, I hold the position of the captain of the soccer team, which has great responsibilities. I know that during my term as team captain, I have learned to be more tolerant when working with other people, and I have acquired very key leadership skills.
My relationship with my peers and my teammates has grown, due to the personal qualities I have discussed. I have learned to put people's opinions in perspective whenever I'm making decisions and try to not cross the lines of other people's beliefs. The traits I have mentioned I believe will play a big role in my success at Penn State.
unwana11
Jan 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my major weakness is academic' - Howard App Essay [6]
Might you be able to expatiate on the work i have to do on the second paragraph..
Might you be able to expatiate on the work i have to do on the second paragraph..
unwana11
Jan 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'ProTrack co-op program' - FIT Application [7]
Thanks a lot, but I have a little problem, the prompt says 250 words and I have 209, but I don't know what else to include to make it 250.
Btw I'm very grateful for your help. I doubt I would have changed these without you.
Thanks a lot, but I have a little problem, the prompt says 250 words and I have 209, but I don't know what else to include to make it 250.
Btw I'm very grateful for your help. I doubt I would have changed these without you.
unwana11
Jan 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'came from a poor background' - UConn application essay [3]
I looked at my second paragraph and i couldn't exactly make many changes, could you give me examples of changes that could be made. Thank You
@emrebond007
Thanks for your help.
I looked at my second paragraph and i couldn't exactly make many changes, could you give me examples of changes that could be made. Thank You
@emrebond007
Thanks for your help.
unwana11
Jan 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'came from a poor background' - UConn application essay [3]
Prompt:
Describe a person or event that has had a profound effect upon your life.
MY ESSAY
"Unwana, I am not always going to be here for you, so you need to learn to do what you have to do, when you have to do it, and make it the best it can be." My mom spoke these words to me one afternoon while I was going to colleges I would love to apply to.
My mom is a person that has had a profound effect on my life, and also the most profound effect on my life. She is a woman that I admire a lot; she has the qualities of a mother, a sister, and also a best friend. She has had many effects on me, both directly and indirectly. She has a determined spirit; she wants to prove to people that she can do what they say she cannot do. She pushes me to do the same, she always says, "Do not limit yourself." and I try not to do so.
My mom came from a poor background, her father died when she was 8, and her mother was a teacher. She basically grew up on her own, because her mom was not always around, and she had to take care of her younger siblings. She always tells me this story of her life because, she wants me to appreciate what I have now, and she is very successful at that. I am not proud of what I have now, instead I look to what I can do for others, and I know I will be able to do a lot good for others if I am successful in the future. This is my main goal, and this is what motivates me to put effort into my schoolwork so I can achieve that goal.
My mother is the key to all my successes in life, and also all my aspirations. She is a type of driving force that I have, I try to do everything possible not to disappoint her, and I know any thing I do with an aim of not disappointing her, turns out to be beneficial to me. She once told me that she wants me to have the best education I can get, and she would do anything to get me it, even if she had to sell some of her property, she would do that. With a mother like that behind you, you have no choice but to give your best, and my best is what I plan on achieving.
Prompt:
Describe a person or event that has had a profound effect upon your life.
MY ESSAY
"Unwana, I am not always going to be here for you, so you need to learn to do what you have to do, when you have to do it, and make it the best it can be." My mom spoke these words to me one afternoon while I was going to colleges I would love to apply to.
My mom is a person that has had a profound effect on my life, and also the most profound effect on my life. She is a woman that I admire a lot; she has the qualities of a mother, a sister, and also a best friend. She has had many effects on me, both directly and indirectly. She has a determined spirit; she wants to prove to people that she can do what they say she cannot do. She pushes me to do the same, she always says, "Do not limit yourself." and I try not to do so.
My mom came from a poor background, her father died when she was 8, and her mother was a teacher. She basically grew up on her own, because her mom was not always around, and she had to take care of her younger siblings. She always tells me this story of her life because, she wants me to appreciate what I have now, and she is very successful at that. I am not proud of what I have now, instead I look to what I can do for others, and I know I will be able to do a lot good for others if I am successful in the future. This is my main goal, and this is what motivates me to put effort into my schoolwork so I can achieve that goal.
My mother is the key to all my successes in life, and also all my aspirations. She is a type of driving force that I have, I try to do everything possible not to disappoint her, and I know any thing I do with an aim of not disappointing her, turns out to be beneficial to me. She once told me that she wants me to have the best education I can get, and she would do anything to get me it, even if she had to sell some of her property, she would do that. With a mother like that behind you, you have no choice but to give your best, and my best is what I plan on achieving.
unwana11
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'ProTrack co-op program' - FIT Application [7]
For the beginning of the third paragraph is this good enough??
Most importantly, the co-op program gives me an avenue to be active in society because I will be working in a company which has an impact on the society whether directly or indirectly, and I would love to be part of that.
For the beginning of the third paragraph is this good enough??
Most importantly, the co-op program gives me an avenue to be active in society because I will be working in a company which has an impact on the society whether directly or indirectly, and I would love to be part of that.
unwana11
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my major weakness is academic' - Howard App Essay [6]
Im applying to colleges for the first time and I don't know if this is good enough, any advice or corrections would be appreciated.
Prompt: In 500 words, tells us about what makes you, you. What are your strengths, weaknesses, and your motivation? What separates you from any other applicant? How do you think Howard University will increase your strengths and diminish your weaknesses?
MY ESSAY
As the first child out of three, I regularly hear, "Unwana, your siblings are looking up to you, be a good big brother." and I know I have a lot of work to do. It is a big responsibility being the first child, because you are trying your best not to disappoint your parents and at the same time be a role model for your siblings
My strengths? Through out my years in high school I have held high positions in both the student council and on my soccer team. These positions have made it easier for me to work with others. I also acquired leadership skills from the positions I have held, and these skills I believe will be very beneficial in the distant future and near future. I am a very optimistic person I see a positive outcome in the most hopeless of situations, and good, in the most cold hearted people.
I have to admit that although I have all these traits, I still have weaknesses. I find it difficult to balance my schoolwork and my other responsibilities, it's either I do exceptionally well in one area, and then I don't do so well in the other. This posed as a problem for me because I am the soccer team's best finisher, so I have to try as much as I can to make each practice, but I have schoolwork that is very time demanding and so I am usually in a fix on what to do. This is where I believe Howard University will be an important factor in my growth, because I know the Howard system is not all work and no play, it blends both education and sports. I love sports, so my participation in sports and the intensity of my coursework will increase my responsibility level, so the balancing of my activities will be made a whole lot easier, and I would have developed new time management and life skills through Howard University.
My main motivation is my desire to be successful. I come from a country where the people are suffering, and the wealthy, do not pay attention to those suffering; instead they only think about how to increase their wealth at the expense of the poor. If I am successful, I will be able to reach out to these people in need, and a Howard education is going to prepare me to reach that level of success where I can comfortably help people in need, and change lives.
What separates me from any other applicant, I know I am always willing to learn, whatever time I have I'm either reading a book, practicing my soccer or doing homework. I don't waste my time on things that will not benefit me.
Acceptance into Howard will just be the first step for me to be able to reach out and touch lives in as many ways as I can.
Im applying to colleges for the first time and I don't know if this is good enough, any advice or corrections would be appreciated.
Prompt: In 500 words, tells us about what makes you, you. What are your strengths, weaknesses, and your motivation? What separates you from any other applicant? How do you think Howard University will increase your strengths and diminish your weaknesses?
MY ESSAY
As the first child out of three, I regularly hear, "Unwana, your siblings are looking up to you, be a good big brother." and I know I have a lot of work to do. It is a big responsibility being the first child, because you are trying your best not to disappoint your parents and at the same time be a role model for your siblings
My strengths? Through out my years in high school I have held high positions in both the student council and on my soccer team. These positions have made it easier for me to work with others. I also acquired leadership skills from the positions I have held, and these skills I believe will be very beneficial in the distant future and near future. I am a very optimistic person I see a positive outcome in the most hopeless of situations, and good, in the most cold hearted people.
I have to admit that although I have all these traits, I still have weaknesses. I find it difficult to balance my schoolwork and my other responsibilities, it's either I do exceptionally well in one area, and then I don't do so well in the other. This posed as a problem for me because I am the soccer team's best finisher, so I have to try as much as I can to make each practice, but I have schoolwork that is very time demanding and so I am usually in a fix on what to do. This is where I believe Howard University will be an important factor in my growth, because I know the Howard system is not all work and no play, it blends both education and sports. I love sports, so my participation in sports and the intensity of my coursework will increase my responsibility level, so the balancing of my activities will be made a whole lot easier, and I would have developed new time management and life skills through Howard University.
My main motivation is my desire to be successful. I come from a country where the people are suffering, and the wealthy, do not pay attention to those suffering; instead they only think about how to increase their wealth at the expense of the poor. If I am successful, I will be able to reach out to these people in need, and a Howard education is going to prepare me to reach that level of success where I can comfortably help people in need, and change lives.
What separates me from any other applicant, I know I am always willing to learn, whatever time I have I'm either reading a book, practicing my soccer or doing homework. I don't waste my time on things that will not benefit me.
Acceptance into Howard will just be the first step for me to be able to reach out and touch lives in as many ways as I can.
unwana11
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I looked at rankings' - SANTA CLARA short prompt [3]
The first sentence can be broken down, it seems like it's all clustered up, you can say "I first heard about Santa Clara when my father graduated from the school. I really liked it because (then put why you like it).
The fourth sentence, you can say "A few years later, i visited the campus during my cousin's graduation, and was drawn to the unique architecture and openness of the quad.
I believe the rest is good, great job.
Could you please look at my essay.
The first sentence can be broken down, it seems like it's all clustered up, you can say "I first heard about Santa Clara when my father graduated from the school. I really liked it because (then put why you like it).
The fourth sentence, you can say "A few years later, i visited the campus during my cousin's graduation, and was drawn to the unique architecture and openness of the quad.
I believe the rest is good, great job.
Could you please look at my essay.
unwana11
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a costume to wear for one year of my life' - Common App [11]
@frazzledbrain
Could you please read my essay, i need it proofread as soon as possible..
@frazzledbrain
Could you please read my essay, i need it proofread as soon as possible..
unwana11
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Judo teacher ' - school or summer activity [6]
Your essay is interesting, but try to write in a way that the reader will feel your emotion and not just be reading about it..
Could you please look at my essay, my deadline is approaching, thank you.
Your essay is interesting, but try to write in a way that the reader will feel your emotion and not just be reading about it..
Could you please look at my essay, my deadline is approaching, thank you.
unwana11
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'suicide among lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender' - treated unfairly [4]
2nd paragraph
I know how difficult life is when you are gay because, I am homosexual and accepting my sexuality was very difficult. All of my life, society has taught me that being gay is wrong. However, in my teenage years, I knew that there was something different about my sexual preferences. I denied it for many years, I practically lived in fear. When I revealed my sexuality to a close friend, she betrayed me and told everyone I knew. Many of my friends abandoned me; I was alone, without any support or understanding. I have experienced difficulty in finding new friends and people who were accepting of my homosexuality. I was talked about, criticized, and ridiculed, by many people I knew. Many of my peers were in fear of even being in the locker-room with me while they were undressing. As a result of this, I kept my sexuality hidden from my new friends.
I feel this is better-->>
I know how difficult life is when you are gay because, I am homosexual and accepting my sexuality was very difficult. All of my life, society has taught me that being gay is wrong. However, in my teenage years, I knew that there was something different about my sexual preferences. I denied it for many years, I practically lived in fear. When I revealed my sexuality to a close friend, she betrayed me and told everyone I knew. Many of my friends abandoned me; I was alone, without any support or understanding. I have experienced difficulty in finding new friends and people who accept my homosexuality. I was talked about, criticized, and ridiculed, by many people I knew. Many of my peers were in fear of even being in the locker-room with me while they were undressing. As a result of this, I kept my sexuality hidden from my new friends.
3rd paragraph
My junior year, I finally accepted myself.
Correction
In my junior year, i finally accepted myself.
2nd paragraph
I know how difficult life is when you are gay because, I am homosexual and accepting my sexuality was very difficult. All of my life, society has taught me that being gay is wrong. However, in my teenage years, I knew that there was something different about my sexual preferences. I denied it for many years, I practically lived in fear. When I revealed my sexuality to a close friend, she betrayed me and told everyone I knew. Many of my friends abandoned me; I was alone, without any support or understanding. I have experienced difficulty in finding new friends and people who were accepting of my homosexuality. I was talked about, criticized, and ridiculed, by many people I knew. Many of my peers were in fear of even being in the locker-room with me while they were undressing. As a result of this, I kept my sexuality hidden from my new friends.
I feel this is better-->>
I know how difficult life is when you are gay because, I am homosexual and accepting my sexuality was very difficult. All of my life, society has taught me that being gay is wrong. However, in my teenage years, I knew that there was something different about my sexual preferences. I denied it for many years, I practically lived in fear. When I revealed my sexuality to a close friend, she betrayed me and told everyone I knew. Many of my friends abandoned me; I was alone, without any support or understanding. I have experienced difficulty in finding new friends and people who accept my homosexuality. I was talked about, criticized, and ridiculed, by many people I knew. Many of my peers were in fear of even being in the locker-room with me while they were undressing. As a result of this, I kept my sexuality hidden from my new friends.
3rd paragraph
My junior year, I finally accepted myself.
Correction
In my junior year, i finally accepted myself.
unwana11
Jan 7, 2012
Undergraduate / 'ProTrack co-op program' - FIT Application [7]
The application essay is for the FIT.
The essay prompt is "what are the advantages of participating in the FIT ProTrack co-op program?" - 250 words
MY ESSAY
The first time I came across the ProTrack co-op program was while I was filling in my FIT application online, and I didn't pay much attention to it. As a matter of fact, I filled in the option that said no. Later when I got to the essay after sending my application, I actually thought and found out how important and beneficial the ProTrack co-op program is.
As an international student, I always had doubts about schooling in the US, because of the high tuition costs, but I came across the FIT ProTrack co-op program and it changed my whole view of that problem. With the ProTrack co-op program, my education costs will be less strenuous to my parents, because acceptance into a co-op program, is a chance for me to earn money for my work, and I will be able to add to the money my parents will be paying for my education.
Most importantly to me, the co-op program gives me an avenue to be active in the society. Engineering is a course that has a goal of meeting the needs of the society. The ProTrack program helps prepare me for active work, it let's me know how work out there after my graduation and what I will have to face. The ProTrack program is not an easy program, it is definitely challenging, but without those challenges, there is no way to show that I truly grasped all that I have learnt in the classroom.
The application essay is for the FIT.
The essay prompt is "what are the advantages of participating in the FIT ProTrack co-op program?" - 250 words
MY ESSAY
The first time I came across the ProTrack co-op program was while I was filling in my FIT application online, and I didn't pay much attention to it. As a matter of fact, I filled in the option that said no. Later when I got to the essay after sending my application, I actually thought and found out how important and beneficial the ProTrack co-op program is.
As an international student, I always had doubts about schooling in the US, because of the high tuition costs, but I came across the FIT ProTrack co-op program and it changed my whole view of that problem. With the ProTrack co-op program, my education costs will be less strenuous to my parents, because acceptance into a co-op program, is a chance for me to earn money for my work, and I will be able to add to the money my parents will be paying for my education.
Most importantly to me, the co-op program gives me an avenue to be active in the society. Engineering is a course that has a goal of meeting the needs of the society. The ProTrack program helps prepare me for active work, it let's me know how work out there after my graduation and what I will have to face. The ProTrack program is not an easy program, it is definitely challenging, but without those challenges, there is no way to show that I truly grasped all that I have learnt in the classroom.
