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Posts by fida10
Joined: Jan 29, 2012
Last Post: Feb 25, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 6  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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fida10   
Feb 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Peer2Peer study group/My interests in transfering CommonApp Essays [4]

where exactly do I have run on sentences? could you be a little more specific?

and the introduction/conclusion were primarily to make the essay a little more interesting. please read it a little more thoroughly before rushing to any conclusions, the body of the essay clearly states the reasons of why I want to transfer.
fida10   
Feb 22, 2012
Book Reports / An essay on Carson McCullers book the Ballad of Sad Cafe [2]

...around three significant characters: Miss Amelia, Marvin Macy, and Cousin Lymon...

...The town is described as dreary, lonesome, and sad, that is far off and estranged from all other places in the world...

...Lymon is an unusually looking grotesque character in McCullers story as it stated in the book: "the man was a hunchback. He...

Your just missing some punctuation here and there, nothing too serious. I'd suggest you to read it over a few times, they should be easy to find.

Also, try not to use too many adjectives when you describe something. That makes things somewhat redundant, and uses up unnecessary space. Example:

...In conclusion, The Ballad of Sad Café by Carson McCullers is an engaging and interesting novella with eccentric characters like Cousin Lymon, who...

Best of luck!
fida10   
Feb 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Peer2Peer study group/My interests in transfering CommonApp Essays [4]

I hope you enjoy reading critiquing my essays as much as I enjoyed writing them!

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.

It was a chilly December night as the clock chimed 11pm, and what felt like the most important decision of my life approached its deadline. I took a solitary glance over the contents of my computer screen, with a sense of elation and prelude rushing through my mind. Nervousness briefly rattled my thoughts, but I pushed it aside as last-minute stress. With a deep breath, I hovered my cursor over the submit button, and in a single fluid stroke, I was pledged to an academic path that I knew little of.

As a first generation college student, progressing through applications was an impressive challenge. During my senior year, I began to familiarize myself with the application process, and learned more about college research. Through the internet and other resources, I managed to get a good grip on the basics. My family could offer little advice to me on this, however, and so I turned to school advisors for more intimate details. While the information they furnished proved beneficial, it was more general than specific to my major and interests. In the end, I applied to several colleges, based primarily on superfluous aspects. Though I received 3 acceptances, I felt that the bulk of my knowledge and intellect was unsatisfied, and that I was capable of doing better.

I entered the gates of City College at the dawn of fall, earnest but diffident. Equipped only with my knowledge of the surrounding cityscape, and the company of a few high school friends, I strode out to face this new endeavor. I explored the panorama of New York City, embraced newfound friends and peers, and marched eagerly into lecture halls, my bag laden with notebooks and pencils, all in the name of learning. But as time passed and winter snow replaced the autumn leaves, so too was my enthusiasm cooled and tarnished.

City College offers over a hundred majors, and a myriad of courses. And yet, concentration on Biomedical Engineering, my field of interest, is sparse. The program consists of a highly intuitive syllabus based around preparation for conventional industry work. Biomedical Engineering extends beyond a general syllabus, branching into specialized concentrations, such as cell and tissue engineering, bioimaging, biophotonics and drug delivery. Though the syllabus was rigorous, it left little room to expand into these specific areas, and deterred my intent to concentrate on tissue engineering and cell grafting.

The rigorous standards of British Curriculum high school left my mind swimming in books and theories. Since that time, I firmly believed college would bring out a pragmatic sense to education. Dreams of slicing away at the membrane of some unknown bacteria, creating LED displays from fluorescent microbes and even playing board games with living protozoa came to mind when I thought of college education. Sadly, it was not long before I discovered that undergraduate research was open to juniors and seniors only. Such opportunities were primarily tailored with prerequisites, either available only to specific concentrations or with enrollment restrictions. I felt intellectually trussed, bound from exploring the practicalities of my major.

As with many urban campuses, there is a lack of cohesion in the undergraduate body; the majority of students flow into and out of campus with the rising and setting sun. I am seeking a solid, unifying atmosphere, away from the machinations of careerism or the use of binoculars to locate professors in class. It should instigate an atmosphere which strives to nurture the growth of friendship and the pursuit of knowledge - a place I can call home.

One year later, I find myself in that familiar position before the computer screen. The clock chimes 11pm as a cool February day draws to a close. I glance down at my desk, now strewn with school reviews, student assessments and major requirement forms. Setting my cursor over the submit button, I click, assured of this choice as I enter a new chapter of my life.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I had learned from an early age that knowledge was not uniform. Many were prodigious in one topic, but weak in others. It seemed more efficient to pool together what we knew in a collective system, promoting student cohesion and better grades. To this end, I started a peer-based Chemistry tutoring group with a few friends, run by the students, for the students.

It began as an online forum on Facebook, an easy method of public communication. Other City College social networks and students helped us spread the word. I even asked my professors to announce it, amplifying its message. As its size increased, the group grew more self-sufficient and peer run. Soon, live Q&A sessions and study groups were complementing the online forums. Test grades and morale soared to new heights. The group allowed me to meet many new people, by helping them and being helped in turn. It was a wonderful experience, and I look forward to continuing Peer-2-Peer tutoring throughout my college tenure.
fida10   
Feb 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'to grow and evolve in all areas' - National Student Exchange Application Essay [3]

...In my life, I strive to always grow and evolve in all areas...

...At this point in my life, however, I feel it is necessary to experience a different setting and environment ...

...The remarkable diversity in Los Angeles and my selected schools will enable me to experience school as a minority, something I have never experienced in my sixteen years of schooling and that is exceptionally valuable for a future educator of students in urban areasam looking forward to experiencing .

There are many places where you seem to use words redundantly, other than the above examples. You only need to say them once, thats enough to get your point across. Try and vary yourself a little and put synonyms in the place of words you already used. I think this would really help cut down your word count.

And by the way, don't use the word "hope" so much. Be confident enough to use words like "aspire, challenge, determined", etc. Its always pleasant to see someone who knows what their doing and is confident about it.

I hope this helps you out. Good luck!
fida10   
Feb 22, 2012
Undergraduate / 'seemingly random numbers and symbols' PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR COLLEGE SUMMER PROGRAM [4]

...Although, It wasn't until about two years ago when I really knew what I wanted to do with my interest, however ...

In this sentence: "When things such as the BP oil spill occurred and birds in Arkansas fell from the sky for almost no reason at all, all I could think about was how to fix the problem." Replace "things" with events. You might want to use a different second example, I'm not sure how birds falling from the sky have much to do with engineering. Also, it sounds somewhat immature.

"And in order to be the best help I can be in this field, I am determined to get the best education." You could rewrite the first part of this sentence, before the comma, to sound a little more inspiring, e.g. "In order to perform at the highest caliber in my field,..." or something like that.

Your a good writer, by the way. I found your ending sentences decisively point-on. Good luck with with the scholarship!
fida10   
Feb 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Meditation- CommonApp EC short answer response [3]

The word limit is 1000 characters. Topic: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.

29 degrees. Outside, thick frost coated the pitch-black streets. Dawn still seemed hours away. The warm, comforting grasp of my blanket held me enticingly, reluctant to let me go. It felt strange waking up so early on a Saturday. I felt filled, however, thinking of the peace that awaited me. As briskly as possible, without disturbing the quiet, I washed the sleep from my eyes and prepared to meditate.

I enjoy probing with different postures, and it often takes a while to get my muscles poised comfortably. The discomfort of sitting stiffly is gradually replaced by a sense of calm and detachment. As I tap into my spirituality, new ideas and greater focus replace weariness and stress. Slowly, my conscience weaves higher into the clouds of tranquility. At its climax, I am atop a mountain, overlooking the calm expanse of my entire mind. My focus drifts to the edges, where the sun rises over my future. In reality, I open my eyes and see the sun rising, ushering the start of a positive day.

I'm not so sure about the 1st paragraph, but I wanted to give it an interesting start. Hope you enjoy critiquing it. Thanks in advance!
fida10   
Feb 16, 2012
Scholarship / Who in your experience at Cooper High has been your biggest influence and why? [3]

You could be a little more specific, without crossing the word limit. For example: "Mrs. Mosley helped me improve my study skills" how? what did she do that helped improve your study skills? Also, "Mrs. Mosley is kind and thoughtful and she is a great role model." Other than the fact that she was kind and thoughtful, were there any other personal traits about her that made her a great role model?
fida10   
Feb 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'physician assistant aspiration' - Summer Program Essay [3]

For the first one, you mention that "Anything biology related has always peaked my interest". I think it would look a lot better if you supported that with, say, high school projects, books you've read, or just some solid experience that would cement your passion for biology.

Also, why don't you elaborate a bit more on this statement: "This research program is a wonderful opportunity that would help me gain experience and teach me new information that I may not otherwise learn anywhere else." What experience? What new information? since you say it's unique to this program, it would really reinforce your point if you gave a few examples of these things. Shows that you did your research on the program beforehand, and makes you a more attractive candidate.

And for the second one, from the top of my head, resourcefulness and perseverance are always good traits to have at a research program.
fida10   
Feb 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I am not challenging myself enough' - Transfer application, Sophomore [4]

Hello everyone,
The title says it all, and the essay prompt was from the commonapp transfer essay: "Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve." I have 392 words here.

I'll take any suggestions and edits on this, and thank you in advance for your help. really tensed about this.

As a student in today's world, facing challenges is effluent, and even enjoyable. It's what adds the interest and fun to an otherwise black-and-white academic experience. I'd like to transfer because I feel that at my current institute, I am not challenging myself enough. I feel that college should encompass every element of life, both in the classroom and beyond. Simply put, I envision going to college where there are more procreative challenges, and more opportunities to get out from behind the textbook and into the community of your peers. To achieve this, I believe a change is necessary.

When I first applied to college, I was relatively new to the admissions process. I am a first-generation college student, so my family could offer me little advice. My mother and I were in the basics of doing college research, and my father's primary concern was the financing involved. Though I obtained useful advice online and from fellow peers, deadlines were approaching fast and in the end, I picked several colleges based on superfluous characteristics. Consequently, I received few positive results. Though I did get some acceptances, I still feel that I could have done better.

Peer involvement has always been an important factor in my past. Everyone was very competitive, bright and ambitious, which added to the flavor of achievement. Discussion and debate played an integral part in all high school courses, turning even the most routine of classes into creative learning. At City College, moderate class sizes and interactive learning have been very helpful in enhancing college life. This, coupled with the enthusiastic professors, is the high point of my experience. However, most students are only interested for a class because it is necessary for their major. As a result, in-class discussion and peer involvement have been limited to necessity rather than enthusiasm.

I'd like to transfer because I feel that at my current institute, I am not challenging myself enough. Additionally, when I first applied, I'd so in a more hurried and cursory fashion that I would have liked, and I think that my abilities as a student merit me the opportunity to study at a more challenging university. I also think that I can make more of a profound impact on the world and my life by transferring, because it proves that I am more worthy of another school.
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