Undergraduate / "Brandon"-Common Application Essay [8]

Prompt:Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I added an analogy in there to emphasize my feelings before and make the last paragraph more clear.

I cleaned up the sentence structure and syntax a little but the biggest changes are in the 2nd and 4th paragraphs.

We walked along the beach together, collecting the seashells all around us to put in his little box. We spent half an hour, maybe an hour, there on the beach, aimlessly wandering around and marveling at the different shapes and sizes of those fragile shells.

As I watched my little friend run and bounce around like the five year old he was, he looked at me and beamed, and the magnitude of the situation struck me.

Brandon, almost from the beginning of our weekend together, designated me as his own. We were never apart. From the cafeteria at the school where we were staying to the baseball diamond in the forest, we were always together. I found his company a change of pace from the academic grind as I greeted the freedom of summer; he found me to be a comforting sense of support.You see, Brandon was not like every other little kid running around at a summer camp; he was a foster child. Having been abandoned at birth by his parents, he had bounced from family to family since he could remember. Nothing about his life was stable, as he was currently living with a Greek family to whom he could relate to in no way whatsoever. As a result of his tumultuous life, this camp, "Parents Adopting Kids Kamp," was a respite for little Brandon. It was a time when he could forget about the

troubles of his life and focus on having a blast for three days.

He clung to me as if I were a magnet. He followed me everywhere, always asking me to carry him or to play a game with him. Always, he wanted to hold my hand, and it became obvious that he lacked a bond with any other male figure in his life. I realized how much he liked me and enjoyed my company, and so far I had reluctantly obliged his wishes. Knowing the weekend was for Brandon's well-being, I feigned happiness for him, laughing along with him for his sake. I viewed the weekend as a chore similar to mowing my lawn; something that I had to do but never really enjoyed.

But now, on the beach looking down at his beaming smile, my perspective on the weekend changed. I no longer desired to go home and sleep, no matter how tired I was. I finally comprehended how much I meant to him, as the time I spent with him would most likely be the high point of his summer. Instead of giving him a little smile and diverting his attention like I had been, I beamed back at him. I understood now how much joy I derived from my ability to make his life that much more enjoyable through such little acts. We began our journey back to the school holding hands, my hand being the focus of his happiness, his my realization of a new calling: to help foster care children.

Undergraduate / Blanco Road, Salinas - UVA Supplement Essay [5]

Prompt: Describe the world around you and how it has shaped who you are. (Roughly 250 words)

I once again turn onto Blanco Road, the road I take most of the way to school. As I look out of my window, I see a vast expanse of fields along with the weeds and garbage that line the side of the road. This is the same image I see everyday on my trip to school, as I have seen that same farmland a countless number of times in the past six years.

Salinas, California, is known as the salad bowl capital of the world, which means there is not much here besides rows and rows of green. There is no "hustle and bustle" in this town, as Salinas seems to move at about the same pace the lettuce here grows.

Salinas also has one of the higher crime rates in California, as the constant gang warfare rules parts of the city. I am not even allowed to drive through certain parts of Salinas because of my parents' fear for my safety.

As you can see, Salinas probably will not be ranked as one of our nation's top ten cities to live in. Although I understand why my family lives here, as my dad provides for our family by working at a lettuce seed company, I relish the opportunity I am about to have as I leave my birthplace to attend college. I have lived my whole life in Salinas, and I have realized that I want my life to be something different than the agricultural related lives that many of the people who live here have chosen for themselves.

How good would you rate this essay on a scale of 1 to 10?

Also, after reading this, do you think it would catch the admissions' officer's attention?