Prompt: Describe the world around you and how it has shaped who you are. (Roughly 250 words)
I once again turn onto Blanco Road, the road I take most of the way to school. As I look out of my window, I see a vast expanse of fields along with the weeds and garbage that line the side of the road. This is the same image I see everyday on my trip to school, as I have seen that same farmland a countless number of times in the past six years.
Salinas, California, is known as the salad bowl capital of the world, which means there is not much here besides rows and rows of green. There is no "hustle and bustle" in this town, as Salinas seems to move at about the same pace the lettuce here grows.
Salinas also has one of the higher crime rates in California, as the constant gang warfare rules parts of the city. I am not even allowed to drive through certain parts of Salinas because of my parents' fear for my safety.
As you can see, Salinas probably will not be ranked as one of our nation's top ten cities to live in. Although I understand why my family lives here, as my dad provides for our family by working at a lettuce seed company, I relish the opportunity I am about to have as I leave my birthplace to attend college. I have lived my whole life in Salinas, and I have realized that I want my life to be something different than the agricultural related lives that many of the people who live here have chosen for themselves.
How good would you rate this essay on a scale of 1 to 10?
Also, after reading this, do you think it would catch the admissions' officer's attention?
Yes, it's excellent. In fact, you write a bit like a good novelist; it reminded me of Stephen King for some reason! I like the detail of writing "most of the way to school" rather than simply "the road I take to school." There is a special quality to your writing, and I bet it will improve a lot in college. I do not know how to rate the essay, because I would be assessing it based on different criteria from that used by the admissions people. Still, 8.5 seems right...
I turn once again onto Blanco Road, the road I take most of the way to school. As I look out of my window, I see a vast expanse of fields along with the weeds and garbage that line the side of the road. This is the same image I see every day on my trip to school, as I have seen that same farmland a countless number of times in the past six years.
I might suggest changing "As you can see" to "Clearly."
Clearly, Salinas probably will not be ranked as...
Thanks...I wish my World Lit teacher would agree with you.
I would rate this as an 8ish. It is a strong essay, well done.
Hi,
I think you could improve further if you say how that environment actually shaped you. Was it really just causing you to yearn for city life? Currently you sound a little negative about your home. Maybe try sth like you're thankful for this stress-free slow-paced lifestyle but you also secretly wished for advancement in technology.
Your essay does catch my attention (:
All the best!
