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Posts by Pyramus
Joined: Dec 20, 2008
Last Post: Dec 23, 2008
Threads: 2
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Displayed posts: 7
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Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Penn supplement -- (Wharton should be a good fit for me) [7]

It's good. It's got that sycophantic praise thing going, which is really what you want here.

What? Is that really what you want here?

I'm going to have to disagree here. They don't want to be flattered and praised a bunch. They want to hear genuinely why business at Penn is something you can't get anywhere else, besides just their prestige. Else, you could go to Stanford or Princeton and major in economics and still be fine (yes yes, I know Penn is number one in business).

So genuine thoughts, and maybe a bit of flattery later is what I'm thinking.
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App essay - Orchestra experience [6]

"I still remember my first year in WYSO as the music for our first concert was slowly being honed to perfection. Every time we rehearsed the pieces, the orchestra became a little more united until the day of the concert when we finally moved as one. It was that experience which first opened my eyes to the true power of teamwork and I knew then that I would continue to play in WYSO."

Sounds a bit cheesy and glazed over. I agree with Baiwanyu. Maybe you could elaborate a bit more. Remember, this common app is going to be sent to almost every college you apply to, so make it good! :)

I actually play in PYSO (Pittsburgh Youth Symphony Orchestra), and talked a little about that in my common app. I talked about how we all shared a bond, and as colleagues, we the bond we form shows when we play together.

Music is something everyone likes, but for you to stick out and say why you want to major in it is something huge!
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / The Jerome Fish Program ; UPenn Dual Management &Technology [3]

Hi! I need some feedback here. I realize this is a truly crappy essay, and I would like all the feedback I can get. Thank you all!

2a. Discuss your interest in combining management and technology. How might Penn's coordinated dual-degree program in business and engineering help you to meet your goals? Please be sure to address the nature and extent of your interests in both business and engineering.

Whether I am designing a t-shirt for my Asian youth organization with a computer, socializing with friends and arguing over problems in society and their solutions, or passing the time by doodling crazy ideas in my sketchbook, I find that I truly enjoy participating in all these activities. I would love to be able to pursue all these interests equally, working to merge all these passions to create a unique pathway that I may call my own. The Jerome Fish Program in Management and Technology enables me to pursue my love for the arts, integrate it with the tools of modern technology, and promote the product through the communication and entrepreneurial skills of a business education.

From the classes in figure drawing or painting that I attend, to the times where I relax and sketch out my observations of the passing world, I feel that I am constantly enveloped in the arts. In an advancing modern society, I am fully aware that technology plays a large role in the development of the evolving arts. Just this past summer, I found myself in a spacious studio, enrolled in the CMU Pre-College Design Program pounding out sketch after sketch and discussing the essentials to design. During these seemingly short six weeks, I merged my artistic skills and creativity with software tools like Illustrator and Photoshop to help manifest my ideas into a clearly defined product. The Digital Media Design discipline at Penn is a field that best fits my interest in integrating computer science and the arts. In this area, I can take my creativity and the most modern technology available to me to explore new art forms and technology fields such as digital animation.

No matter what sort of path I may lead in the arts or technology, the social implications that arise from my experiences in them has always intrigued me. I love the interaction with my peers and teachers whenever we discuss solutions to current national issues. Even better is when I get the chance to discuss the arts and breakthrough advancements in technology. By receiving an education from the Wharton School of Business, I am able to obtain such skills like marketing and communication that that allows me to better work with others when concerned with issues like using a new form of technology to create a more fluid animation, or bringing together artists and technologists and create a cohesive environment that fields like Digital Media Design strive to live by.

Also, learning a skill like entrepreneurship gives me the chance to not just walk out of Penn and work under a massive animation company like Pixar, but to explore the idea of paving an entirely revolutionary direction that strays far from the traditional approaches of already well-situated establishments. Wharton's business education allows me confidence, knowing full well that once I step out into the jumbled and confusing world, I am not held down by the chains of some company, but have the reins to freely steer where I wish to go.

The Jerome Fisher Program in Management and Technology gives me the opportunity to open new pathways for myself. I am not just about searching for a university that clearly defines my career choices for me. Penn's unique, interdisciplinary program tells me thatïyes, it is permissible for me to stray from the standard norms. I do not want to attend some multimedia program for the sake of solely graphic designing, nor do I want to attend a business school merely to rise as the CEO of a major firm. Those all reek of stale and cliqued futures, a future that I do not want to be mine. I can mix and match and experiment with crazy combinations to concoct a skin that is designed for me and me only. I do not wish to conform to a rigid work process; the Jerome Fisher Program provides that yearned for freedom and seeks to bring out the best in individual me.
Dec 21, 2008
Undergraduate / Common Application: my native homeland of Zimbabwe. Correct any mistakes. [6]

This is a very moving story. this is simply powerful.

Of course, you're here for feedback and not just people to listen to you too. So here's what I think.

"The healing process has started, but frankly, I must concede, not only do we, the victims, need healing, but also all of South Africa needs therapy."

A bit excessive on the comma usage. Try something like -- While the healing process has begun, I must concede that not only do we, the victims, need healing, but all of South Africa too. Just a suggestion.

Work on the transitions a bit. The sections are clearly defined, but it could have some better flow from paragraph to paragraph.

I'm no expert, since I am working on my own applications, so this is the best I can offer. Good luck with everything.
Dec 20, 2008
Undergraduate / "My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay [8]

There are several basic problems in your second main essay.

Tenses! Very important to keep active!

"Every time there are projects or labs regarding the subject, I'd always participate actively because I have a greater fascination in this subject than any other."

See the problem with the tenses?

So first fix all those conflicting tenses first.
Dec 20, 2008
Undergraduate / UPenn and MIT Short [NEW]

Hi all. Two of the schools I am applying to are UPenn and MIT. I have a short answer essay for each that I have to complete, and I was hoping for some proofing on them. Thank you!

*Use the space below to name a Penn professor with whom you would like to study or conduct research and explain why. Please answer in the space provided.

I would highly be interested in working with Peter Fader in the Marketing Department. His focus on consumer behavioral patterns enables one to gain different perspectives on marketing a company's products. He reaches across a wide variety of business fields, from the music industry to e-commerce, appealing to me as one who pushes for an understanding of newer practices that stray from tradition. Because of my interest in combining fields together like digital media design and marketing, Professor Fader's work, integrating traditional practices and applying them to cutting-edge industries, is something I would like to study and learn from. As part of a generation that is surrounded by modernized technology, I can see myself participating in Wharton's Interactive Media Initiative, of which Professor Fader is working to broaden this endeavor as the Co-Director. His beliefs in addressing new media business with traditional and non-traditional conventions is an idea I would like to explore.

(1000 characters out of 1000 characters)

*Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why?

For me, the Department of Architecture at MIT speaks innovative and interdisciplinary practice. I am passionate about the arts, continually seeking new experiences and sources of creativity from which I may broaden my artistic abilities and push myself to think beyond normal conventions. Because architecture at MIT is noted for its collaboration and integration with other disciplines, focus on contemporary ideas, and adaptability to the rapidly modernizing society, I believe I can learn from these practices and further engage myself in art. I feel confident in receiving preparation for my future through the guidance of those within MIT's architecture department.

(100 words out of 100 words)