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Posts by westway50
Joined: May 6, 2012
Last Post: Oct 21, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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westway50   
Oct 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / GRE Analytical Argument Task: Memo to WWAC station [2]

I feel like the first prompt was better than the second one. i would have given it a 4 to 4.5 for the radio one and a 3.5 - 4 for the late night tv one. Specifically in the second one, i noticed alot of what if scenarios. i think you have to be more concise with the points you are trying to make. A good way is to go back now and condense each paragraph into 3 or 4 sentences. I would also try making some of your sentences shorter too.

just keep on practicing. you are touching on the problems, which will give you around a 4 on the grading scale. try to go back and analyze it a bit further and shorten it.
westway50   
Sep 30, 2012
Graduate / physical therapy essay- need fine tuning [NEW]

im in the final stages of getting this important essay ready. thanks in advance for anyone's help.

prompt: Describe your decision making process in choosing physical therapy as a career choice versus other health care careers

A personal mantra that I find myself consistently referring to is "This is where I am. This is where I want to be. I can get there and a little more". This mantra is how I force myself to accomplish a goal and how I approach life. This mindset is a factor that has driven my interest in pursuing Physical Therapy compared to other medical professions. Like other medical fields, physical therapy aims to heal patients back a normal functioning. But unlike other medical fields, a great physical therapist can push for normal functioning and more.

As a child I was never interested in physical therapy. I placed it in the same schema as elderly care and left it there. I was interested though in other forms of rehabilitative sciences from massage therapy to holistic medicine. This interest stems my own experiences with these modalities of healing. I have received massage therapy accompanied with with cold and hot pack application for knee pain following a meniscectomy. I have also had electrical stimulation therapy combined with isometric exercise for a sprained wrist from an acupuncturist. The most influential modality to me was bodywork done on my leg by a Chinese Dit Da. This treatment reduced the swelling and returned weight bearing capabilities to a severe ankle sprain in a matter of hours. I developed a great interest in the mechanics of how these type of treatments work and started to slowly learn more about it. I later discovered that the same principles of these modalities were offered in physical therapy. **

Now that I am older, I started to notice certain things about these treatments that I once deemed the epitome of rehabilitation. I notice that the treatments were inconsistent with different people and that my age played a big role during my treatments. The second problem that I realized was the lack of a maintenance effort to help maintain and improve my condition. I would often return for more treatments to get rid of developing pain. I now know that I could have prevented the reoccurring pain with a few exercises. These realizations about the previously mentioned treatment modalities has changed how I view physical therapy. I see t now as a collection of different modalities to help people recover and more importantly maintain their physical and functioning health.

Ever since my first time applying two years ago, I have solidify my determination in physical therapy. I have spent the last year and a half improving my application for physical therapy schools. I am constantly learning new things about the field including the basic reasons for certain therapy application, the management of a private physical therapy clinic along with multiple sites, the basic roles of health insurance policies, and the new development of exercises used for treatments. I am very appreciative of the knowledge I have accumulated recently and I now strive to obtain the education needed to diagnose and treat patients to normal functioning and hopefully a little further.

** feel like the ending of this paragraph is too vague but i feel like if i put too much it spoils the rest of the essay. any thought?

- the items that i bolded are parts that i feel like i need rewording
- also i notice im repeating somethings but not entirely sure which parts. if you feel like im repeating certain things too much, please mention it.

thanks
westway50   
Sep 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / Prehistoric village of Palea, evidences. GRE Argument topic 1 [6]

im doing gre practice too right now. i think you might have gotten a 3.5 or 4 on this. the scoring is based on 3 parts, focus, organization and conventions. focus seems like a 4 because you touched on the arguments. a 5 would require a deeper analysis of them. the organization could be a bit better. based on rubic from the practice book im using, i would guess a 3-4. then conventions which is like grammer and vocab i would say a 3.5-4. hopes this helps, but im by no mean qualified to actually judge. this is just a guess
westway50   
May 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / Is it important to go to college ? What do you think ? Give reasons for the same . [4]

I strongly believe that people should go to college. Entering university is a very much promising step into worldwide opportunities when done with a strong will and determination . It provides us with various opportunities in the outside world. Most important reasons for going to college is gaining knowledge which aids in a successful career by getting a better job. Also it helps in an individual development ie personality development and this can also lead to our contribution to our society or nation. And it is fun too. ( ok so what i got from this paragraph is that you think education will prepare us for better careers, create personal development, and act as a source of enjoyment. As Ana mentioned in the post before, you should try to use a format to organize your ideas. I would suggest writing simpler sentences at first and then add more to them. For example, your forth sentence had almost all your points of your essay in it. each point could of been split into different sentences to make it flow better. A good piece of advice i got in school for writing is to consider each sentence as one thought or idea. This will prevent you from combining too much information in one sentence that could potentially confuse the readers)

As we all know knowledge is power. We can acquire all we want in our life or rather we can change our life and make it better by learning things we are interested in.The first sentence states education is power. then there is no transition to the next one that says education can create change. High school can teach us only the fundamentals generalised basic thingstoo many words of the same meaning. but we can study our subject of interest in more details by going to a university. Knowledge helps us in widening our understanding and broadening our horizons. It also improves our problem solving tactics and completely changes the way of our thinking. First and foremost what doses a person get by graduating it might be just a degree or a diploma certificate to certain layman people but the value of these certificates are very crucial. this last one is about 2-3 sentences in one. split them up so you have something like "what does a person gain by graduating? some people say it might be just a degree or diploma." Also one note about writing is that if you use First, you have to follow up somewhere with a second. It gives you the gurantee of getting a job, improving the social status of our family and our life. make sure you stay in the same perspective. you had the word "you" in the last sentence, even though the rest of the paragraph used "we" or "our"

In a university people get to meet different people from different states thereby bonding with them increases their interpersonal skills and they learn sense of communication and respect for each other. Not only that but they also learn how to manage their time well and participation in various college festivals which include arts and sports give them a very good break which they truly deserve. make sure your verbs stay consistant. in this sentence,you have people "manage" and then you use "participation". keep that consistant and it should be participate. Dont be confused with your next use of participation as it is a noun there. Participation makes them working together in groups, therefore acquiring leadership, responsibility and many other qualities which builds their personal growth. It also improves their level of confidence.

And last but not the least staying away from home while studying also makes an individual independent gives him a sense of freedom, he understand more about the outside world and how the world runs. One thing is for sure they make many new friends and foes too.same as before, make your sentences simpler. also you mentioned last again in your next paragraph so you can't use it in this one.

Last thing that I can say is studying in a university is like sowing a seed of knowledge which will only bring joy and happiness to their future. The fruits of this tree will be the most tasty and everlasting. I remember my father always saying you can lose all your money all your possession in this world but the only thing that no one can take away from you is your knowledge and with it you can create a new world for you at any point of time.

so over all just make your sentences simpler and try to stick to one thought per idea. try to use comma in your writing as some of your sentences can be fixed by just adding a comma and maybe another word.
westway50   
May 6, 2012
Research Papers / Help with Religion Assignment? [10]

sandra the assignment sounds like you have to find a society that is diverse with respect to culture/race. In the society, the diverse group of people must also have problems with each other and stuff. then you have to examine on how religion and law affects them as a society.
westway50   
May 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / To work and learn at the same time. Advantages and disadvantages. [3]

A lot of students put this into practice

your last few sentences in the first paragraph is a bit confusing. i would try rewording it into something like "some students work to pay off university fees while others work for the job experience. It is important to note that whatever the reason, there are advantages and disadvantages to working while in school"

I would change "firstly" in your second paragraph to something else. also help your parents with what?(we know it means with financially, but include it so it doesn't leave us thinking too much)

"Moreover, it is great to use your free time from learning to working". the sentence could be worked on to flow better.

"Take for instance, my brother works and studies at the same time, and the main point is that, he will be well experienced to the end of his education". try to make this two sentences and mention what kind of work he does and what kind of experience he will be "well experienced" in.

"In a nutshell, it is like two in one". two in one of what?

"In addition, he likes doing this because he can use the information that he gets at his university in his work. This practice is a good way to fix his knowledge ."

"Second , there are a lot of disadvantages too". good to list some of them here.
"For example, students are tired after school or university and work. It is hard to do homeworks after such a difficult day. That is to say, it is not so easy to get an information you are given without diong homeworks properly. Furthemore, you have not so much free time to meet with your friends and relatives". try making your sentences here more to the point

Finally, as I mentioned previously, The advantages and disadvantages of this issue are endless. where did you mention this before?

In my opinion, working and learning at the same time is excellent, but every student has to assess his own abilities and powerto do what?. If the student overloads himself it can result in poor performance.

hopes this helps a bit.
westway50   
May 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'This camp opened my eyes' - essay on what I learned from a camp [3]

the essay doesn't sounds boastful and is a great story for the common app essay to me. A few things i would suggest you put in your essay. Closer to the beginning, include the points you want to adress in the body of your essay. I was very lost as to where you were going with this essay until i read it a few times. As ive gathered, the main points you were trying to get though was this trip showed cultural interactions, learning positive behavior and responsibility. It took me a few reads to completely get what you were trying to get at, which means it should be clearer since admissions only reads through it once or twice. also one thing i dont understand is what was this place where you went. Only thing i got from it was that it is in Egypt and seemed like a leadership program. not exactly sure what you attended. you might want to make that clearer.

On adding things to first and second sessions portion of your essay, try to include examples of how you changed and used stuff you got there. it does seem like this experience was a positive experience on your life and it would be good to see how it has affected you. This is a definitely good start and direction for your essay
westway50   
May 6, 2012
Graduate / 'Rewarding experience' - My dream of Becoming a Physical Therapist [3]

Im applying this year to physical therapy programs too. This is my second time applying and i realize that a lot of the applicants have very similar essays. Last year my essay was very much like yours. I had a family experience that lead me to pursue physical therapy and then talked about my experience.

What i realize with a lot of with these essays we try to write our life story and it ends up being vague at best. Just like any other essays, you should develop points and focus on those. For the first paragraph, i would change it so it states a few points of why you want to pursue physical therapy. the admissions all know that people have an interest in the medical field and it seems pointless to tell them that you like the medical field and that you are fascinated with the area. What i realized is the hardest part is coming up with these points. Try to think to yourself as to what are the main points you want to get across to the admission office and focus your essay more on those.

So you already have a point of past experience with family members and present experience. these serve as very good "motivating factors". Now i would try to incorporate more "personal characteristics". You mentioned people describing your personality and how you would make a good therapist. You should try to acknowledge those characteristics as part of who you are like a self reflection. Make it known that those things the patients say about you are not just your appearance, but who you are.

Also with each example you gave, try giving your thoughts on it now. You have how you felt then when you were experiencing it. At the end, tie it all up with how you look back at it now and how you see it differently with your new experiences. From what people told me about my essay last year, it is a bit of a one note essay just writing how it felt back then. so for example you have the story of your grandma going to therapy and doing exercises to regain the ability to walk. after that story, try to incorporate how now you understand the different modalities they were using to get her to walk. Like say something about how you now understand that they were trying to give strength to her muscles and working on her proprioceptive abilities.

These are a few things that i can see would improve the essay. Just some things to keep in mid while doing your revisions. The admission office knows that people applying are interested in the medical field because otherwise you wouldn't be trying to specialize in a certain area. Also try to tie in your knowledge that you have now about the field into what you experienced. Good luck with your revisions.
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