t3h50
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "To change the world; starving African babies" UPenn supplement [10]
In the 1st paragraph, you started out talking about changing the world. I like how you tied the management/finance in the 2nd paragraph and the cultural exchange club in the 3rd paragraph back to this concept of "world." However, your last paragraph, which is about sports/tennis, does not really connect back to that theme. I think you could easily connect it though (sports are a huge part of everyday life in every part of the world) while still mentioning how you love sports and how they serve as an escape / stress reliever in your life. That way, the last paragraph does not just seem like a random thought.
OK, now for some grammar stuff:
1. "Back in the days when I was a little child maybe six years old, I always proclaimed, that I would like to change world." --> Back in the days when I was about six years old, I always proclaimed that I would like to change the world. (Make sure you remove the comma after the word "proclaimed." You don't need a comma if you're using the word "that" immediately after.)
2. I rememberme sobbing in front of the television, when I first accoutered with starving African babies. [i]("accoutered with"? I don't really understand what you're trying to say there. Also, remove the comma after "television")
3. "As long as I give my best, she believes, that one day I could help the little babies." Remember, you don't need a comma before the word "that." Also, since you have been using past tense with your mother, you should continue that. So, "believed" instead of "believes."
4.WhileAs I grew older, I thought a lot about it.
5. "First, I wanted to become a doctor, sadly I am not able to see blood without vomiting." --> First, I wanted to become a doctor. Sadly, I am not able to see blood without vomiting." (Split into two sentences.)
6. It does sound a little bit off since people tend to believe that all business school students are money-mad, but this is wrong. (Also, I would replace "a little bit off" with something more formal.)
7. To me economical success ties in with social responsibility.
8. With the knowledge of management and finance I would not only be ablenot solelyto support the people in need economically, but also be able to help and manage to build up their economical sector with the hope that one day there will be no starving babies.
9. Further,for a better future of our worldI would need not only social responsibility is necessary but also cultural understanding in order to work toward a better future for our world.
10. Cultural exchange should not be a tedious topic; I would love to share my experience from my several school exchanges to Japan, France and Great Britain and tellthem about my known cultures not verbally but in action.
11. I picture my friends and peers and I at UPenn cooking togetherat UPenn an international dinner, watching love movies from France or maybe horror movies from Thailand, and most importantly, having fun.
12. Sportshashave always helped me balance myself even in the worst and most stressed outstressful situations; therefore, I would love to join sport clubs.
Hope that helped. Good luck! Post your revised edition!
In the 1st paragraph, you started out talking about changing the world. I like how you tied the management/finance in the 2nd paragraph and the cultural exchange club in the 3rd paragraph back to this concept of "world." However, your last paragraph, which is about sports/tennis, does not really connect back to that theme. I think you could easily connect it though (sports are a huge part of everyday life in every part of the world) while still mentioning how you love sports and how they serve as an escape / stress reliever in your life. That way, the last paragraph does not just seem like a random thought.
OK, now for some grammar stuff:
1. "Back in the days when I was a little child maybe six years old, I always proclaimed, that I would like to change world." --> Back in the days when I was about six years old, I always proclaimed that I would like to change the world. (Make sure you remove the comma after the word "proclaimed." You don't need a comma if you're using the word "that" immediately after.)
2. I remember
3. "As long as I give my best, she believes, that one day I could help the little babies." Remember, you don't need a comma before the word "that." Also, since you have been using past tense with your mother, you should continue that. So, "believed" instead of "believes."
4.
5. "First, I wanted to become a doctor, sadly I am not able to see blood without vomiting." --> First, I wanted to become a doctor. Sadly, I am not able to see blood without vomiting." (Split into two sentences.)
6. It does sound a little bit off since people tend to believe that all business school students are money-mad, but this is wrong. (Also, I would replace "a little bit off" with something more formal.)
7. To me economic
8. With the knowledge of management and finance I would not only be able
9. Further,
10. Cultural exchange should not be a tedious topic; I would love to share my experience from my several school exchanges to Japan, France and Great Britain and tell
11. I picture my friends and peers and I at UPenn cooking together
12. Sports
Hope that helped. Good luck! Post your revised edition!
