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Posts by tommyboy614
Joined: Jul 19, 2012
Last Post: Oct 27, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 12  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 14
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tommyboy614   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Lead / follow people' - FSU Application Essay - Leadership. Thoughts? [2]

"There is a multitude of accredited perspectives..." ---> There are a multitude of accredited perspectives.. (plural)

Other than that, I really like your essay. You make several strong, cohesive points.
If you want to, as a suggestion, maybe include some of your leadership experience? (If you have any) - But your essay is still good without it and I think you're close to your word limit.

Would you mind taking a look at my essay?
tommyboy614   
Oct 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Evolving through failures into a success' - Common Application Personal Statement [2]

I really like the direction you are going!! I like how you correlate each negative experience with a positive one. The only thing I could think of I guess would be to maybe use fewer examples? I get where you are going, it just seems a bit too repetitive. Other than that, I like it! Keep going!
tommyboy614   
Oct 16, 2012
Scholarship / 'Seeking the Truth' - Ball State- Why I want to go into Journalism [3]

This is a short essay for a scholarship at Ball State University. It simply asks "Why do you want to go into journalism?"

With it being senior year, all of the seniors are uniting and asking questions such as "where are you going to school?" or "what are you majoring in?" Now for most of my friends those questions are hard to answer, but for me they're a no-brainer.

Hello, my name is Tom and I want to be a journalist.
To my family and friends, it seemed like an odd choice. Of course I had a good vocabulary, writing potential, and a knack for detecting grammar mistakes, but I was naturally shy. So what made me choose a career where talking to complete strangers is almost a daily task?

For one, I love words. I love long words, short words, and complicated words. And I love forming them and taking them apart in order to craft the perfect image of what I'm trying to portray. Some use their clothes, hair or attitude to do that. I use words. As a kid reading fiction books, I thought that should be my writing path. But I'm more interested in the truth. I believe that everyone has a story to be heard, and the truth is more juicer than fiction anyday.

Through my journalistic experiences, I've learned that it's necessary to open up and talk to many people in order to accomplish a journalist's main goal: to seek the truth. So that has helped with my shyness a bit, and I'm hoping my collegiate experience will overcome it altogether.

Finally, I attest in journalism in its truest form: to educate people. It's supposed to let them know what's going on, both near and far away from them. It's just the facts, allowing readers to create their own opinions.

Now I know my journey to becoming a well respected journalist will be a long, hard one. But I embrace that. As for now, I want to read every book imaginable, learn as much as I can and see all of the beautiful things this world has to offer with a pen and notebook in hand.
tommyboy614   
Jul 23, 2012
Undergraduate / If i were an animal, I'd be the queen of the jungle- common app essay [7]

"I'm a lioness and my team's my pride". ==> "I'm a lioness and my team's my pride." (punctuation goes inside the quotation marks).

"For instance" ==> For instance, (comma after transitions)

Other than those two minor things, I really like it!! Great Job!
tommyboy614   
Jul 22, 2012
Writing Feedback / IBT writing - the happiest era in our life is our childhood [3]

"Parrents" ==> Parents

"Freedom ." ==> Freedom. (Watch spacing with periods, commas etc.)

"In childhood its first time that" ==> Childhood is the first time that

"When you are child" ==> When you are a child

"no stress ." ==> No stress.

"For instance" ==> For instance, (put commas after transitions)

"ponishes" ==> punishes

"morning ." ==> morning.

"parrents" ==> parents

"Besides ," ==> Besides, (no spaces between word and punctuation)

"there is no laws" ==> there are no laws

"laws that make children denied to do what they wants ." ==> laws that deny children their wants

"bigest" ==> biggest

"The third point is that many things is new for a child." ==> The third point is that many things are new for a child.

"my first friend in the kindergarten" ==> my first friend in kindergarten

"After we get friends to each other we had a great feeling" ==> After we became friends, we felt great

"Sleeping on the grasses for the first time is one of the perfect memory in everyone's mind." ==> Sleeping on the grass for the first time is one of the perfect memories on everyone's mind."

"and we have lots of free time" ==> and we had lots of free time (it has to match the first part of the sentence "We HAD no responsibility)

Overall, just go through the things I mentioned and look for the same mistakes elsewhere (like the spaces between words and punctuation). You have great points, just try to develop them more - if you can.

I hope this helped!
tommyboy614   
Jul 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / The causes of living poverty and presidents of poor countries [5]

My English teacher always told us to not begin an essay with a rhetorical question. Try a fact or statistic about poverty. You can find some here: globalissues.org/article/26/poverty-facts-and-stats

Just remember to cite where you found it in your essay.

Also, try some better transitions in the beginning of your paragraphs, such as To begin with, furthermore, moreover, and all in all etc.

I hope this helped!!
tommyboy614   
Jul 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'mass media pays a lot of attention to public people's personal life' - toefl [3]

The intro "there are two areas of life area" doesn't really make sense. Simply try "there are two areas of life."

Also, in the third paragraph you say "People want to get lost in others live story." Try "People want to get lost in other people's life stories." To make it more grammatically correct.

In the same paragraph, "failtures," should be "failures."

Overall, you ideas are good, just try to develop them more.

As you can see, I'm kind of a grammar freak!

I hope this helps!
tommyboy614   
Jul 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I have dreamed about college' - Illinois State University application [6]

Hello everyone,

I'm applying to colleges this fall and I began writing essays recently. I appreciate any feedback!

Here's the prompt:

* State why you feel Illinois State University is a good fit for your educational goals.
* Identify and explain your academic strengths and weaknesses.
* Explain any circumstances which affected your high school academic performance, if applicable.

Here's what I have, am I ranting to much? :

College. I have dreamed about it since the fifth grade, and once I began high school, I learned so much about it. I went from thinking that I would get a 30+ on the ACT and that I would get accepted to Northwestern, to overhauling my entire college list once reality struck (which was my 25 on the ACT and Northwestern's price tag). Now I am looking for a school that is close to home while being far enough to establish independence, and one that is sized between a large, public university and a small private college. Illinois State University seems to be the perfect fit for me. I will admit, however, that I have not yet been to campus due to financial restraints and I hope to visit sometime soon. However, numerous pictures and online videos have reassured me of the campus beauty. Since I have been going on about why I am interested in attending ISU, allow me to tell you more about me. I love journalism. And if you had told me freshmen year that I would be a writer, I would have laughed. My English teacher told me to try my hand at the school newspaper and I figured, why not? In the last three years, I've worked my way up from reporter, to Managing Editor. I also found employment last year at a teen newspaper, The Mash, published by the Chicago Tribune. Having the opportunity to interview people like a financial expert and the Director of the Chicago Film Office, have only confirmed that I want to do this as a career. I have also won awards through my experience as a journalist, such as an honorable mention in Feature Writing through the 2012 NISPA awards, as well as winning third place and making it to state in Headline Writing in the 2012 IHSA Journalism sectionals and I hope to qualify again this year, but in the Copy Editing category, which has been elusive these past two years. So, can you guess what I want to major in? Yes, it's journalism!

I love to learn. I always have. And yes, there are certain academic areas that I don't perform well in such as science and honors classes, but I embrace new challenges. I am taking some difficult classes this year, including my first AP class. I love English, grammar especially, which can be seen through my love of Copy Editing. I just hope there are not any errors in this essay!

I believe that Illinois State University will provide me with an excellent education, many opportunities to have a great college experience, and the challenges I need to have a successful future. I hope that you were able to see who I am in this essay and why I would love to be a Redbird.
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