bunnybunsss
Sep 15, 2012
bunnybunsss
Sep 7, 2012
Undergraduate / "An Ignored Voice"; The power went out [3]
The power went out. My cousin Jocelyn frantically yelled, "Someone's going to throw a bomb through this window!" It was already midnight, and we were still home alone while our aunt was at work. The thunderstorm got the better of us, but mostly my cousin. Dramatically, Jocelyn screamed, "We have to get out of here!" I, both afraid yet still logical, replied, "Wait! Maybe we can just run upstairs and hide under the blankets," but apparently, I was talking nonsense. "Do you want to die?! I'm going outside for help. You can stay here all by yourself," she said, almost testing me. Although I knew it was a bad idea to go sprinting in the streets, in the dead of night during a lightening storm, the fear of being alone consumed my better judgment. Jocelyn and I ended up at a neighbor's condo, which was just three doors down from us. After about half an hour, our aunt picked us up. As we stood in our now-lit living room with our Taco Bell dinner, the both of us were scolded to shame. After eating in silence, we heavily walked upstairs to bed. Meanwhile, I weakly muttered to my cousin, "I told you so." Offended, she loudly whispered to me, "Shut up!"
I was only nine years old, while my cousin was eleven. Even now, I remember the frustration I had towards her. I thought, "Why can't she just listen to me for once?!" However, I realized that I was at fault just as much as her. Maybe if I had more faith in myself and my decision, I could have stopped us from endangering our lives. Jocelyn never took me serious because I was younger than her, and in the end, I didn't take myself serious either.
Growing up, I slowly redefined myself; I discovered who I was, what I believed in, and what I stood for. Afterwards, I was able to distinguish myself from others. It's very easy to forget about ourselves through the negative influences of others, and when we do, the decipherment we've built up for ourselves, falls apart. Looking back, I know that if I had the self-confidence I now have back then, our night would've been calmer like the end of the storm.
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This is my essay for topic C in APPLYTEXAS.
There may be personal information you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
The power went out. My cousin Jocelyn frantically yelled, "Someone's going to throw a bomb through this window!" It was already midnight, and we were still home alone while our aunt was at work. The thunderstorm got the better of us, but mostly my cousin. Dramatically, Jocelyn screamed, "We have to get out of here!" I, both afraid yet still logical, replied, "Wait! Maybe we can just run upstairs and hide under the blankets," but apparently, I was talking nonsense. "Do you want to die?! I'm going outside for help. You can stay here all by yourself," she said, almost testing me. Although I knew it was a bad idea to go sprinting in the streets, in the dead of night during a lightening storm, the fear of being alone consumed my better judgment. Jocelyn and I ended up at a neighbor's condo, which was just three doors down from us. After about half an hour, our aunt picked us up. As we stood in our now-lit living room with our Taco Bell dinner, the both of us were scolded to shame. After eating in silence, we heavily walked upstairs to bed. Meanwhile, I weakly muttered to my cousin, "I told you so." Offended, she loudly whispered to me, "Shut up!"
I was only nine years old, while my cousin was eleven. Even now, I remember the frustration I had towards her. I thought, "Why can't she just listen to me for once?!" However, I realized that I was at fault just as much as her. Maybe if I had more faith in myself and my decision, I could have stopped us from endangering our lives. Jocelyn never took me serious because I was younger than her, and in the end, I didn't take myself serious either.
Growing up, I slowly redefined myself; I discovered who I was, what I believed in, and what I stood for. Afterwards, I was able to distinguish myself from others. It's very easy to forget about ourselves through the negative influences of others, and when we do, the decipherment we've built up for ourselves, falls apart. Looking back, I know that if I had the self-confidence I now have back then, our night would've been calmer like the end of the storm.
----------------------------------------------------------------- ----- --------
This is my essay for topic C in APPLYTEXAS.
There may be personal information you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
bunnybunsss
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / "My Inspiration" - Common App Essay critique [4]
WOW, this is really good. And yeah, I think you should avoid the cussing just to be safe haha. I notice that you are using lots of commas, some are there for necessary reasons while some aren't really needed. you could always use transitional words instead of just commas.
This year, at Carnegie Hall, I received an award with several hundred others: The Scholastic Art and Writing Award. But what made it painfully special was that You were there with me.
I got rid of the comma between AWARD and WITH.
Your essay is beautifully written and its hard to critque it, but I would focus on less commas, more transitional words, while showing just a smudge more gratitude towards your sister at the end. Other than that, you've made it clear on how your sister impacts you and why she is important to you: she motivates you to not just be better than her, but better than yourself could ever be.
Great job! And good luck!
WOW, this is really good. And yeah, I think you should avoid the cussing just to be safe haha. I notice that you are using lots of commas, some are there for necessary reasons while some aren't really needed. you could always use transitional words instead of just commas.
This year, at Carnegie Hall, I received an award with several hundred others: The Scholastic Art and Writing Award. But what made it painfully special was that You were there with me.
I got rid of the comma between AWARD and WITH.
Your essay is beautifully written and its hard to critque it, but I would focus on less commas, more transitional words, while showing just a smudge more gratitude towards your sister at the end. Other than that, you've made it clear on how your sister impacts you and why she is important to you: she motivates you to not just be better than her, but better than yourself could ever be.
Great job! And good luck!
bunnybunsss
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / ESSAY: "The Ebony-haired stranger"; someone who has made an impact on your life [3]
goodness, thank you so much for your feedback. i will DEFINITELY check yours out too. thank you once again!
goodness, thank you so much for your feedback. i will DEFINITELY check yours out too. thank you once again!
bunnybunsss
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / ESSAY: "The Ebony-haired stranger"; someone who has made an impact on your life [3]
I chose Topic A:Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
My hand slipped from the marble edge, my vision became cloudy, and my desperate cries were suffocated by the water. Who knew being "it" for a game of Marco Polo was going to almost drown me. I kicked, I splashed, I screamed for help, and when my struggling body was about to go exhaustingly numb, I was saved. Not by a nonexistent lifeguard, my group of friends nearby, or even the birthday girl's unconvinced mother; but by a fair-skinned, young woman with ebony hair. After rescuing me, she sat me down on the edge of the pool, while a small group of familiar faces surrounded me. Rivers of tears streamed down my rosy-red round cheeks, as I tried to grasp my breath through the heavy sobs and inflamed coughs. She softly asked me, "Are you okay?" I couldn't remember if I nodded or replied back because everything was a blur. However, I distinctively remembered the Birthday Girl's mother saying, "Honey," with a surprised laugh, "I thought you were just kidding!" along with my friends agreeing.
8 years later and I still feel incredibly grateful towards this stranger. I never learned her name, I forgot what her face looked like, and I didn't even get to thank her, because I was so shaken up at the time. But I'll never forget the action she took for me when nobody else moved a muscle. While others thought I was just some silly 10 year-old playing victim, instead, from the other side of the apartment complexes' swimming pool, this one random woman saw something different. I can't even imagine what would've happened to me that summer afternoon, if it weren't for her.
Everyone had that one childhood figure that once made their eyes twinkle, their words left in awe, and along a package of small obsession. Whether it was the faster-than-a-bullet comic book Superman, the All-Star Quarterback from that so-called team, or the famous Singer who you swore has the gift; the praising words, "You're my hero," is thrown around. In the end, however, those 'heroes' become seen at a dimmer light because the impact, if there was any in the first place, that was once made, is forgotten. Yet any true hero, like the Ebony-haired stranger, never loses its shine.
- spelling
- punctuation/fragments
- essay itself
- any advice/suggestions is highly needed :)
I chose Topic A:Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
My hand slipped from the marble edge, my vision became cloudy, and my desperate cries were suffocated by the water. Who knew being "it" for a game of Marco Polo was going to almost drown me. I kicked, I splashed, I screamed for help, and when my struggling body was about to go exhaustingly numb, I was saved. Not by a nonexistent lifeguard, my group of friends nearby, or even the birthday girl's unconvinced mother; but by a fair-skinned, young woman with ebony hair. After rescuing me, she sat me down on the edge of the pool, while a small group of familiar faces surrounded me. Rivers of tears streamed down my rosy-red round cheeks, as I tried to grasp my breath through the heavy sobs and inflamed coughs. She softly asked me, "Are you okay?" I couldn't remember if I nodded or replied back because everything was a blur. However, I distinctively remembered the Birthday Girl's mother saying, "Honey," with a surprised laugh, "I thought you were just kidding!" along with my friends agreeing.
8 years later and I still feel incredibly grateful towards this stranger. I never learned her name, I forgot what her face looked like, and I didn't even get to thank her, because I was so shaken up at the time. But I'll never forget the action she took for me when nobody else moved a muscle. While others thought I was just some silly 10 year-old playing victim, instead, from the other side of the apartment complexes' swimming pool, this one random woman saw something different. I can't even imagine what would've happened to me that summer afternoon, if it weren't for her.
Everyone had that one childhood figure that once made their eyes twinkle, their words left in awe, and along a package of small obsession. Whether it was the faster-than-a-bullet comic book Superman, the All-Star Quarterback from that so-called team, or the famous Singer who you swore has the gift; the praising words, "You're my hero," is thrown around. In the end, however, those 'heroes' become seen at a dimmer light because the impact, if there was any in the first place, that was once made, is forgotten. Yet any true hero, like the Ebony-haired stranger, never loses its shine.
- spelling
- punctuation/fragments
- essay itself
- any advice/suggestions is highly needed :)
bunnybunsss
Aug 1, 2012
Scholarship / Registered Nurse became my new goal; SCHOLARSHIP/ Primary goal? [8]
UPDATED: What is your primary goal for going to school? Scholarship essay.
I once had goals that concerned only me. I convinced myself that school wasn't important for me to pursue in art. However, my goals shifted from being all about me to being all about other people. After my epiphany, I decided to go into the medical field to become a registered nurse. My primary goal is to bring healing to broken people, but I know that even though I have the heart to, I still need the skills and knowledge; education is a number one factor to getting me where I need to. Patients, and even myself, would not trust me because of my lack of knowledge in biology and critical thinking. In order for me to be a successful healer, I have to dedicate a lot of time and effort in my schooling. If otherwise, my goal to medically serve people will be impossible to achieve.
UPDATED: What is your primary goal for going to school? Scholarship essay.
I once had goals that concerned only me. I convinced myself that school wasn't important for me to pursue in art. However, my goals shifted from being all about me to being all about other people. After my epiphany, I decided to go into the medical field to become a registered nurse. My primary goal is to bring healing to broken people, but I know that even though I have the heart to, I still need the skills and knowledge; education is a number one factor to getting me where I need to. Patients, and even myself, would not trust me because of my lack of knowledge in biology and critical thinking. In order for me to be a successful healer, I have to dedicate a lot of time and effort in my schooling. If otherwise, my goal to medically serve people will be impossible to achieve.
bunnybunsss
Aug 1, 2012
Research Papers / How do I make a drug research paper argumentative?? [6]
well you could definitely discuss marijuana. It's illegal but it has health benefits as a medicine. But those who use it illegally use it for personal use instead of medical. or something like that.
well you could definitely discuss marijuana. It's illegal but it has health benefits as a medicine. But those who use it illegally use it for personal use instead of medical. or something like that.
bunnybunsss
Aug 1, 2012
Undergraduate / My Invisible Heart - Define Impact - a clash [3]
This was a very compelling essay and I agree that God is amazing :) While your choice of topic is awesome and striking, I think there should be revisions on
"Define: Impact - a clash, the imminent presence of contact, the trauma of collision. Aside from this context, we find the word also defining an invisible imprint or dent, if you will, marked on one's heart caused by the absence of something, someone."
Perhaps change to, The word impact, in definition, is a clash, the imminent presence of contact, the trauma of collision. Aside from this context, we find the word also defining an invisible imprint or dent, if you will, marked on one's heart caused by the absence of something, someone.
or something along the lines.
also, "his word's definitions coincide ever so beautifully within my story... as if the impact of these parallel ideas resonates into one thing, one image, one guy. His name? Mahlon Acres. "
No need for 3 periods after "my story" or any periods, perhaps a comma? and also squish together "His name? Mahlon Acres." to one sentence...
His name is Mahlohn Acres.
just like that.
also here,
" "I'm gonna marry that girl someday"... September 19th, 2010 - Mahlon Acres was declared brain-dead."
the 3 dots should be included inside the quotation and add a 4th dot to represent a period of the quote. and for the date of when he was declared brain dead, say
On September 19th, 2010, Mahlon Acres was declared brain-dead.
or some other variation. it sounds smoother.
but other than that your essay sounds great.
God bless!!!!
This was a very compelling essay and I agree that God is amazing :) While your choice of topic is awesome and striking, I think there should be revisions on
"Define: Impact - a clash, the imminent presence of contact, the trauma of collision. Aside from this context, we find the word also defining an invisible imprint or dent, if you will, marked on one's heart caused by the absence of something, someone."
Perhaps change to, The word impact, in definition, is a clash, the imminent presence of contact, the trauma of collision. Aside from this context, we find the word also defining an invisible imprint or dent, if you will, marked on one's heart caused by the absence of something, someone.
or something along the lines.
also, "his word's definitions coincide ever so beautifully within my story... as if the impact of these parallel ideas resonates into one thing, one image, one guy. His name? Mahlon Acres. "
No need for 3 periods after "my story" or any periods, perhaps a comma? and also squish together "His name? Mahlon Acres." to one sentence...
His name is Mahlohn Acres.
just like that.
also here,
" "I'm gonna marry that girl someday"... September 19th, 2010 - Mahlon Acres was declared brain-dead."
the 3 dots should be included inside the quotation and add a 4th dot to represent a period of the quote. and for the date of when he was declared brain dead, say
On September 19th, 2010, Mahlon Acres was declared brain-dead.
or some other variation. it sounds smoother.
but other than that your essay sounds great.
God bless!!!!
bunnybunsss
Aug 1, 2012
Essays / My reflections on human development - good topic ideas? [10]
your question is a little hard to understand, try re-wording it :)
your question is a little hard to understand, try re-wording it :)
bunnybunsss
Aug 1, 2012
Scholarship / Registered Nurse became my new goal; SCHOLARSHIP/ Primary goal? [8]
I agree you guys :) thanks so much, i'll get to work!
I agree you guys :) thanks so much, i'll get to work!
bunnybunsss
Jul 31, 2012
Scholarship / Registered Nurse became my new goal; SCHOLARSHIP/ Primary goal? [8]
"As a child, I convinced myself that I would never work at a hospital because of the overexposure of horror films; thanks to my dad. It's funny to look back and realize how much I have changed as a person, as well as my goals. I had goals that focused on my own happiness, but as I grew as a person and went through adversities, I realized I wanted to bring happiness to others, as well as healing. In the end, being a Registered Nurse became my new goal. Although this means I'll have to work at my younger self's feared workplace, my older self's love for broken people is stronger than a childish fear. Education is an overlooked privilege that not many kids get to have. I know that without higher education, my goal would be a dream too impossible to achieve."
"As a child, I convinced myself that I would never work at a hospital because of the overexposure of horror films; thanks to my dad. It's funny to look back and realize how much I have changed as a person, as well as my goals. I had goals that focused on my own happiness, but as I grew as a person and went through adversities, I realized I wanted to bring happiness to others, as well as healing. In the end, being a Registered Nurse became my new goal. Although this means I'll have to work at my younger self's feared workplace, my older self's love for broken people is stronger than a childish fear. Education is an overlooked privilege that not many kids get to have. I know that without higher education, my goal would be a dream too impossible to achieve."
bunnybunsss
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / If i were an animal, I'd be the queen of the jungle- common app essay [7]
this is very interesting and you made me want to continue reading just by the first sentence :D
this is very interesting and you made me want to continue reading just by the first sentence :D
bunnybunsss
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Jesus' APPLY TEXAS ESSAY: Write an essay about a person of importance in your life [13]
I think your love for Christ is beautiful and should be made known, but be sure that this essay is going towards a religious affiliated school, otherwise, you'll never know who's going to read your essay. Believe it or not, but people with different views can choose to not accept you based on your amazing and strong beliefs.
I think your love for Christ is beautiful and should be made known, but be sure that this essay is going towards a religious affiliated school, otherwise, you'll never know who's going to read your essay. Believe it or not, but people with different views can choose to not accept you based on your amazing and strong beliefs.
bunnybunsss
Jul 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Lonely people at restaurants' - Is my topic Essay B or Essay C? [5]
Thank you guys, I have this feeling in my gut it is essay c too.
Thank you guys, I have this feeling in my gut it is essay c too.
bunnybunsss
Jul 29, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Lonely people at restaurants' - Is my topic Essay B or Essay C? [5]
When I was a kid, i remember every time i saw an adult eat by themselves at a restaurant, i wanted to go over to them and sit by them. To this day, I hate seeing lonely people as well as broken people (depressed, angry, outcast). This is an issue that breaks my heart. I see myself in them and I can feel the pain. i know what loss feels like (dad passed away), i know what loneliness felt like (new kid in 8th grade and had no friends), and i knew what anger felt like (i used to get into fits of rage and i would hurt others around me). I take my past misfortunes and put them to use (my miseries into my ministry). Slowly, during high school, i became the compassionate and confident person i am today. someone that my 14 year old self would have never imagined to be. I want to be a nurse to heal, love, and care for.
******this isnt my essay, just a small summary of what it is though******
btw essay b is
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
and essay c is
There may be personal information you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
When I was a kid, i remember every time i saw an adult eat by themselves at a restaurant, i wanted to go over to them and sit by them. To this day, I hate seeing lonely people as well as broken people (depressed, angry, outcast). This is an issue that breaks my heart. I see myself in them and I can feel the pain. i know what loss feels like (dad passed away), i know what loneliness felt like (new kid in 8th grade and had no friends), and i knew what anger felt like (i used to get into fits of rage and i would hurt others around me). I take my past misfortunes and put them to use (my miseries into my ministry). Slowly, during high school, i became the compassionate and confident person i am today. someone that my 14 year old self would have never imagined to be. I want to be a nurse to heal, love, and care for.
******this isnt my essay, just a small summary of what it is though******
btw essay b is
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
and essay c is
There may be personal information you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.
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