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Registered Nurse became my new goal; SCHOLARSHIP/ Primary goal?

bunnybunsss 4 / 11  
Jul 31, 2012   #1
"As a child, I convinced myself that I would never work at a hospital because of the overexposure of horror films; thanks to my dad. It's funny to look back and realize how much I have changed as a person, as well as my goals. I had goals that focused on my own happiness, but as I grew as a person and went through adversities, I realized I wanted to bring happiness to others, as well as healing. In the end, being a Registered Nurse became my new goal. Although this means I'll have to work at my younger self's feared workplace, my older self's love for broken people is stronger than a childish fear. Education is an overlooked privilege that not many kids get to have. I know that without higher education, my goal would be a dream too impossible to achieve."
sue2013kim - / 4  
Jul 31, 2012   #2
Nice job! It's not bad but it is kind of difficult to understand your logic. You start by talking about you're fear of working at a hospital and you overcoming this fear. And then you go on explaining that you need to have an education to achieve your goal. But the prompt is asking about your primary goal for going to school, yet you focus more on overcoming your fear. I would suggest explaining why education is necessary more.
neo1989 8 / 15  
Jul 31, 2012   #3
great! you can make logical and accurate statements which are fundamental elements for being a good writer but as our friend has pointed out your essay lacks coherence.
OP bunnybunsss 4 / 11  
Aug 1, 2012   #4
I agree you guys :) thanks so much, i'll get to work!
OP bunnybunsss 4 / 11  
Aug 1, 2012   #5
UPDATED: What is your primary goal for going to school? Scholarship essay.

I once had goals that concerned only me. I convinced myself that school wasn't important for me to pursue in art. However, my goals shifted from being all about me to being all about other people. After my epiphany, I decided to go into the medical field to become a registered nurse. My primary goal is to bring healing to broken people, but I know that even though I have the heart to, I still need the skills and knowledge; education is a number one factor to getting me where I need to. Patients, and even myself, would not trust me because of my lack of knowledge in biology and critical thinking. In order for me to be a successful healer, I have to dedicate a lot of time and effort in my schooling. If otherwise, my goal to medically serve people will be impossible to achieve.
dresix - / 1  
Aug 1, 2012   #6
I would probably drop the first two sentences. Makes you sound selfish even if you aren't now. What caused your shift in wanting to help others instead of yourself? Why do you want to be an RN? Why are you deserving of this scholarship? I would focus more on the positive aspects.
ariellw2013 2 / 6  
Aug 3, 2012   #7
I love this essay! It is very short and to the point. I actually would like you to write more going into more depth that has brought you to this decision. But overall great essay!
bsm25 3 / 5  
Aug 3, 2012   #8
your essay is very concise, however i think it is a litter to short and you should write it longer

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