"You will never be like her. Stop trying so hard."
I wanted to scream "NO! That's not true!" But I couldn't. Because it was true. Undeniably true.
Every sob shuddered through my body, wrenching, twisting my heart, and revealed-revealed the ME that I had tried so hard to conceal, to enshroud, to make unknown.
The ME that desired, with every ounce of capability and skill, to become someday on par with Her. Oh, how naïve I was to even dream of someday surpassing Her.
Each year, it became harder and harder to mend the cracks of my skin, my eyes, my mind. They all wanted to be just as good as Her. As a once-freshly painted house becomes aged and decrepit, its paint begins to crack and flake off, revealing its bare bone wood. Like paint flaking off wood, my outer layer was cracking and splintering, showing my unstable and jealous flesh, and I could no longer repaint myself.
This year, at Carnegie Hall, I received an award, with several hundred others. The Scholastic Art and Writing Award. But what made it painfully special was that You were there with me.
When You introduced this competition to me, and said breezily, "I probably wouldn't be entering", I tried to hide my joy at such a golden opportunity. An opportunity, as bashful as the thought was, for me to finally shine without competition.
When time came for the results to be announced, I scrolled down straight to the S's. My heart was pushing itself out of my chest, my fingers were trembling uncontrollably. Nearer and nearer. So close. Waiting to see those letters, EUN "Elise" SON, in crisp black ink.
I saw my name all right, in indelible black ink. The ink said: One row dedicated to me. And right above, two rows dedicated to You. Two pieces. Two is greater than one. I had failed myself.
Again and again, the same process repeated itself. Every scholarship I received, You received an amount greater. Every award I strove to obtain, it fell onto Your lap. So easily.
All I could do was suppress my envious green self.
I don't remember when I realized that this day would come. The day that I had to set myself down and say, "You will never be as good as Her." Maybe it came too late. Maybe it would've been better if I had figured it out earlier, and wholly avoided the frustration of attempting and ultimately failing.
Maybe it would've been better.
But maybe, maybe I wouldn't have tried so hard. Tried so damn hard, to, for at least one second, be the Smarter One, or the More Talented One. Or even the Prettier One with More Boyfriends.
Without you, I would've happily wallowed in my own blight of ignorance. I would've been contented with my mediocre self. I would have forgotten that I need to work my ass off to at least be on your level.
I would've never tried if it weren't for you.
Thanks sis
I love you.
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Side Note: Thank you so much for taking time to read my essay. I appreciate each and every critique and hope that you will critique my essay with a firm hand. Please note any grammatical and especially transition issues, since I feel like I am jumping from topic to topic too quickly. Also, although this is a personal essay, I feel like I've been TOO personal and mopey and need to talk more about my accomplishments or what I've done, etc. (oh and should I not cuss at the end? Is it inappropro? lol)
Anyways, thank you for your time and consideration. I am forever grateful for any help and critiques. Thank you again.
p.s. Topic: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.
WOW, this is really good. And yeah, I think you should avoid the cussing just to be safe haha. I notice that you are using lots of commas, some are there for necessary reasons while some aren't really needed. you could always use transitional words instead of just commas.
This year, at Carnegie Hall, I received an award with several hundred others: The Scholastic Art and Writing Award. But what made it painfully special was that You were there with me.
I got rid of the comma between AWARD and WITH.
Your essay is beautifully written and its hard to critque it, but I would focus on less commas, more transitional words, while showing just a smudge more gratitude towards your sister at the end. Other than that, you've made it clear on how your sister impacts you and why she is important to you: she motivates you to not just be better than her, but better than yourself could ever be.
Great job! And good luck!
Hello,
Healthy competition is ok. In this essay, what you talk about is cut-throat competition. Universities already have students that will do this. They do not want to actively recruit students that display this quality. I suggest that if this essay is for a top 15 school, that you scrap it completely. As a former admissions officer, I know I would have put this essay and your entire application in the rejected pile. Top colleges want students that understand the meaning of community and service. Suggesting in any way that you are all about being the best at any cost is not an admirable trait. You should strive to be the best because you strive to be the best not because you wish to do better than someone. -AAO
@admissions2012
Okay so my topic chosen was 'Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.'
So even if the essay was in context of my sister being a positive influence because I had competition be bad? I am not saying that she is competition, rather because she was there I strove to become better.
I am not sure if I should turn this in as my personal essay any more... Please reply with your opinion on whether I should edit it or write about something else. Thank you so much!
