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Posts by srp284cave
Joined: Aug 23, 2012
Last Post: Oct 17, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 11  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 15
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srp284cave   
Oct 17, 2012
Undergraduate / STANFORD: The Chance I Never Had;The Power of Happiness [2]

Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

"Congratulations! You have been accepted to attend Boston University's Summer Challenge Program." I was ecstatic after receiving this letter of acceptance for a program I yearned to attend. However, later the same day, my rapture became a tragedy when I received an additional email enclosed with the rules and regulations, along with the total fees. Unfortunately, the bulky expenses to attend the program weren't affordable for my parents so I could not participate in the program.

For weeks, I couldn't get myself out of the dejected state I was put in, and my attitude in school reflected it. Then my AP Calculus BC teacher presented a pleasant proposal: spend the summer tutoring students who were entering AP Calculus BC the following academic year. I was quick to accept this opportunity, mainly because I wholeheartedly enjoyed AP Calculus. As much as I liked Calculus, I was more intrigued by the idea that I could be a teacher. The one attribute I greatly lacked in my repertoire was the ability to teach others.

When the first day of the tutoring program came, I walked into a room full of eager faces which reminded me of myself the first day I entered my AP Calculus class. I was comforted by the idea that I was essentially teaching myself while teaching others. As I began teaching limits and then derivatives, I realized I was being taught patience and persistence. As the tutoring program progressed, my maturity progressed as well. By the end of tutoring, not only did I feel a difference in myself, my AP Calculus teacher felt a change as well.

Even though I couldn't attend the Summer Challenge Program, spending the summer tutoring was the next best thing. My acceptance into the program was the best thing to never happen to me, for I would never have been given the perfect opportunity to effectively take my first step into adulthood and acquire endurance, an attribute vital for anyone who seeks to succeed.

What matters to you, and why?
The beauty of happiness is that it can be found universally. The belief that genuine happiness can be derived from simple things like picking fruits from homegrown plants or milking cows used to seem implausible. How can one be happy spending hours on fields swarming with bugs and stubborn cows? It didn't make sense. However, in 9th grade I realized that no matter how nonsensical a lifestyle may seem, I shouldn't judge it unless I put myself in those shoes.

During the February break we boarded Air India for the flight from JFK to Ahmedabad. As we exited Ahmedabad airport a rickshaw drove us to Gavada, my parents' home village which stretched about a half mile long in the state of Gujarat, an hour from the airport. The road was very rugged; there wasn't a second in the cab when I was not being smacked in the face by a whirl of dust and sand. When we reached the village, the scenery was exquisite: luscious trees, and plentiful wildlife. However, life was impoverished: not much food, and blazing heat. Nonetheless, a joyous vibe radiated from the people of Gavada. The daily life of the villagers consisted of waking up at sunrise, cultivating crops, and milking cows; yet they radiated nothing but happiness. I never would have believed that people could live happily in such indigent conditions.

I was curious to find out a secret to the happiness, so I asked my uncle how he could possibly enjoy his lifestyle. He replied, "Look around you." It was difficult to fathom what he meant at first, but then I had an epiphany. Money doesn't always correlate to happiness. The village was among the best things nature has to offer, and if you can cohere with nature, you can find happiness. My trip to India has changed the activities I engage in, for I prefer taking a stroll in the town park over abusing electronics at home. Although it seems clichĂŠ, basking under a sunny sky, in a bed of flowers, is much more self-satisfying than acquiring a new high score in "Temple Run."
srp284cave   
Oct 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'to become a computer programmer or software engineer' College entrance essay for UCF [2]

"Also, it is within Florida, so it's not too far, but it's not so close that I can stay home and attend; I do not want to stay home and attend college."

This is redundant, rephrase it so it is concise. You can make your argument stronger by speaking about the atmosphere at UCF and how your attitude fits in with the crowd, or how your attitude can enhance the atmosphere. It's good you mentioned your future goals, and you're ambitious.
srp284cave   
Oct 17, 2012
Undergraduate / Obstacles in your academic or personal life. Common App UCF critique [2]

there were years where it was extremely difficult to purchase school supplies. Should be WHEN instead of WHERE

overall, this is a heartfelt, genuine piece of writing. is there a maximum word limit, cause if there isn't you should go into the specifics of one critical circumstance. All your topics are general, but going in depth into one of the issues you had, it would solidify your essay!
srp284cave   
Sep 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Enthusiasm, Bagpipes & Muffins-Stanford Roommate Supplement [4]

I know you are extremely busy, but I read your feedback, and made those changes and a few more tweaks, so if you could read my revised version and let me know how this is, whenever you get the opportunity to. ONCE AGAIN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME. (actually you probably do, since you're applying to Stanford as well...it would be more than splendid to possibly see you there if I could get in!) well here it is...
srp284cave   
Sep 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

Okay so here is my totally new intellectual vitality short essay. I expect it'll contain many grammatical errors, for I just finished this rough draft and I'm immediately posting on here to get your feedback. So it'd be great if you tell me if my flow or general essay is up to par, and if there's any blatant grammar error, please point it out. :) THERE ARE NO WORDS THAT CAN PROPERLY EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE TOWARDS YOU!!!

1. Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

The distinction between looking and seeing is a concept that enthralls me. When learning transcendentalism, I was introduced to Ralph Waldo Emerson, Walt Whitman, and particularly, Henry David Thoreau. While providing information on Henry David Thoreau's life, my teacher presented a quote by Thoreau: "The question is not what you look at, but what you see." In the hindsight of a naïve freshman, this quote seemed redundant because when you look at an object, you are also seeing an object. When you look at something, you also see it; they are interchangeable terms. However, after reading Thoreau's Walden, I began to place more emphasis on scenery. Observing the trees and the sun made me wonder...can there really be a difference between seeing and looking? Indeed the trees are green, but I also recognized that trees serve to provide us with oxygen. Similarly, the sun is a radiant yellow, but it is also the main source of energy for both plants and humans. These two objects provided me the information needed to affirm if there is any distinction between looking and seeing.

Looking at the sun as a giant blotch of yellow is impossible because it has been inculcated into our minds that the sun is the main source of energy for all living organisms. Even looking at a mere color, like black, is impossible to do without believing it is associated with something sinister. The reason we cannot merely look at an object, without seeing its significance is simple: we have been conditioned to conceive tangible objects as a practical part of life. It's nearly impossible to abandon the perspectives we see objects with. Thousands of generations have passed, and thousands of generations are still to come, and although the lifestyles will change, we will still identify the sun as a source of energy, and trees as a source of oxygen.
srp284cave   
Sep 21, 2012
Undergraduate / Enthusiasm, Bagpipes & Muffins-Stanford Roommate Supplement [4]

Dear Roommate,

Are you ready to make the most of what Stanford presents to us? I sure am! Are you "normal?" I definitely am not!

Enthusiasm is the most vibrant quality of mine. My enthusiasm is contagious, or at least it is to my parents; I make any moment the moment. Whether it's through my harmonious bagpipes, tuned to perfection, or during the 19th minute of baking 20-minute muffins, I make it the most exhilarating moment of the day. You must be thinking, "Seriously, the bagpipes?" Well I speak the truth; I do play the bagpipes and, if I am allowed to, I will definitely show you the splendor of the bagpipes. Do not worry though, as soon as the bagpipes get too annoying for you, I will try not to be offended, and promptly put it away. As much as I like my bagpipes, there is something I am more passionate about: cooking.

I don't cook the greatest lasagna or make the best tacos, but I do know how make scrumptious muffins (as long as it's a just-add-water recipe). I don't know whether it's my eagerness for muffins that serves as a placebo, or I know the golden ratio of muffin mix to water, but my muffins never fail to disappoint. When we arrive to our dorm, making muffins for you will be the second thing I do.

First, I want us to explore. By the second day on campus, I want us to know every corner of Stanford's campus, every research facility, and above all, every fast food location! We'll use a bicycle to travel across the campus so we can burn off the delicious food we eat. Oh that reminds me, we must engage in sports!

I hope you also are hyped about attending athletic events, especially the football games and tennis matches at Stanford, since they're exceptional programs I am passionate about tennis, although I'm not varsity-worthy. I definitely wish to compete at the intramural level. If you join me, perhaps you can learn to love some of the things I do. Of course, we'll establish a healthy balance; I'm open to your passions too.
srp284cave   
Sep 21, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Experiencing success' - University of Florida [2]

I find this intro odd, but it works. btw, it's "tales" not tails.
congrats on your success story, but make sure the rest of your essay sails smoothly
srp284cave   
Sep 21, 2012
Undergraduate / University or Oregon Admissions essay [2]

I want to make a change in others life, by being a doctor, one that specializes in Pediatrics

You should rephrase this "I want to make a change in others lives by becoming a Pediatrics specialist." With your 2 commas, it seems like an awkward phrase.

But i really like the quote and it beautifully lends to your touching essay. The ending is concrete, which is good.
Also another suggestion:
"I want to be a part of the dreams they strive for, the risks they endure for greatness by keeping them healthy, and the reason a child has light glistening in his eye."
srp284cave   
Sep 21, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

Ah okay, I knew that Illuminati was too big a topic to be explained in 2000 characters :/ I'll turn to doing a more philosophical argument on the difference between looking and seeing.

Would you like to edit my first draft whenever I post it?
srp284cave   
Sep 17, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

Thank you for the advice! This was one of the reasons I was hesitant to write about this because once i get started on the Illuminati, I continue to ramble and miss the direct prompt. I ended up with WAY too much info on the illuminati and reduced it to fit 2000 characters, but yeah I know I should omit some general info and put some personal thoughts in.

But if you can, may you tell me if my idea of elaboration on personal thoughts is correct? Do I elaborate on the effect my research has had on me? Include an example or so?
srp284cave   
Sep 11, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

Hi i'm currently working on the Stanford supplement and I've done the what matters to you essay, so I started the intellectual vitality essay. My main issue was the topic, for I had two possible choices: talking the "looking" and "seeing" a more philosophical talk, or conspiracy theories (focusing on the Illuminati). i wrote a VERY rough first draft and wanted all of your helpful opinions on whether I should use this essay and get my AP Lit and Lang professors to tweak it for me, or switch to my other topic.

I dont want Stanford to think I'm a big lunatic, unless they want that... I would like all the help I get, and gladly will return the favor upon request. THANKS :)

The likelihood of a single party taking over the world used to seem as impossible as finding gold at the end of a rainbow. However, during an AP History class discussion my teacher brought up possible conspiracies that were correlated to the failed formation of the League of Nations. He mentioned how the League of Nations, presented by Woodrow Wilson, was rejected by Russia's Czar not to keep the world in a state of turmoil, but out of a state of uniform turmoil. Although my teacher moved on to the next chapter, my mind stayed on this conspiracy possibility. I realized that there were many "gray areas" in the League of Nations: why was America, the original proposer, not part of the League? Why did Russia avoid the League?

I turned to books and websites about conspiracy theories and tackled this subject for weeks. I pondered why Wilson would propose an idea, and implement it, only to have his Senate refuse his request to join the League; could there be something or someone Wilson knew that our Senate was oblivious to? Why did Russia avoid the League so vehemently? This is when I was introduced to the Illuminati concept.

The Illuminati was launched in the 1760s, seeking to achieve a "one world government." Financed by the International Bankers, they sought to weaken the governments of Europe and build up such a debt they would have no other people to turn to. The disturbing scheme the Illuminati has designed is "the show must go on." The basis of all Illuminati acts is to make the world financially and physically drained. Looking back in history, it seems more than likely that the Napoleonic Wars and the World Wars are all part of the large plot to seize and control the world. After weeks of solidifying pro and con arguments about the existence of the Illuminati, I concluded there were too many flaws in significant historical events to not account for an ultimate hierarchy of power. From the extensive research I learned there is always a bigger picture to a conflict.
srp284cave   
Aug 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Thanks to meeting Asad' - Inspirational Person for admissions essay [3]

Hi, this essay seems like a typical inspiration essay (just like mine). I admit, I'm no where near a superior writer, but the issue of concern with my essay, and yours, is redundancy and lack of details! If you can do anything to make the reader feel like he's there too, or give specifics on HOW he has changed you in the final essay.. it would surely boost your essay! good luck with your essay!

p.s. im also doing applytexas for UT and A&M.
srp284cave   
Aug 26, 2012
Undergraduate / "Villagers of India" - Common App Essay- Person of Influence [7]

Thanks everyone, I know my essay was very bland, and thanks to all of you for your feedback. This is just a first draft and I'm going to use EssayEdge, but I just needed a foundation. I definitely realize the intro is a basic 9th grade intro but I will fix that and give feedback on your essay
srp284cave   
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / "Strenght lies in differences, not in similarities" - International Student [26]

Hi, your diversity essay really backs up the quote in your first sentence. The essay is very powerful and also a joy to read, because it is definitely not an ordinary essay. Backpacking around the globe, and speaking about experiences all over the world really support the primary diversity topic you are writing about. Overall, a solid job and hope you do get into the colleges/universities you are aspiring for
srp284cave   
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / "Villagers of India" - Common App Essay- Person of Influence [7]

Hi everyone! I would like you to critique and comment on any changes or improvement I can make to my common app essay. I would greatly appreciate it and I'll gladly return the favor. Well here it is:

Question) Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Everyone is affected by a particular person or a group of individuals; however, the duration of the effect is what really makes an encounter significant. I have met many people who have made an impact in my life, but none have left a greater imprint in my heart than the people from a village in India. This experience taught what really matters in life and material possessions don't define one's satisfaction.

The first time I went to India was as an infant, only seven months old. There was hardly anything I could recollect from that age, which is why I told my parents I want to visit India again. After endlessly insisting on going to India, my parents finally gave in to my request. During the February break of 9th grade, my parents took me to India. When we arrived at Ahmadabad airport, the air was dusty and people were scrambling for their luggage. My first real impression of India wasn't the ideal image I visualized, and it seemed as though I would be living in unpalatable conditions.

A rickshaw picked my family up from the airport and drove us to Gavada, a tiny village in the state of Gujarat, about 2 hours away from the airport. The drive was very rugged: it felt as if there wasn't a second during the drive where I could sit without jumping out of my seat or without being smacked in the face by a whirl of dust and sand. When I finally reached the village, the scenery was exquisite, but quality of life looked pitiable. However, as I looked at my fellow villagers, their faces radiated merry and blithe feelings. This came as a total shock to me; I never believed people could live happily in penurious conditions. The daily life of these people consisted of waking up at sunrise, working on their farms, cultivating crops, milking cows, and sleeping early. The kids didn't even have the opportunity to attend school, which was very distressing for me to hear.

I spoke to my uncle about how they grew accustomed to this lifestyle and he simply replied, "Look around you." It was difficult to fathom what he meant at first, but then I had an epiphany. A lavish lifestyle isn't necessary to live cheerfully, and money isn't everything. The village was situated around the best things nature has to offer, and a simplistic lifestyle is the best way to live as long as you connect with nature, because it is a direct creation by God. Living per God's conditions will allow any individual to attain divine happiness. Nature bestows life through the rain and sun, and is the purest beauty detached from mortal life. My trip to India made me modify the way I go about life, thanks to three words spoken by my uncle. His straightforward reply still reverberates in my head, and wherever I go, I will always look around.
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