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'Thanks to meeting Asad' - Inspirational Person for admissions essay

freakosaur 1 / 7  
Aug 26, 2012   #1
This essay is for the inspirational person for applytexas. Please critique thoroughly. Thanks for the feedback!

After seventeen years of a mundane life, I finally found someone that made me reflect on my shortcomings. This momentous change was all in thanks to the First Colony Youth Basketball Association and a skinny kid named Asad. I was assistant coach of the Celtics and the coaching staff drafted him to be the starting point guard. As the season progressed, I saw much more than a point guard; I saw the inspiration and spark I needed to wake up to reality.

To me, Asad had much more than just a passion for basketball. His playmaking ability on the court caught my eye, but what really kept my eyes on him was his demeanor and personality. It warmed my heart every time Asad took a pointer from me and executed it perfectly on the court. During these practices, a rapport started forming. Soon our relationship became much more than a coach-player relationship. We became friends who expected nothing but the best from each other. Not only did he push me, but Asad constantly pushed his teammates in practice. He was the hardest worker on the court, and this infectious attitude began spreading to the others. Many parents saw his amazing play during the games, but only I saw the long hours of tough work he put into practice. I knew right away this small kid was a much needed inspiration for my own life and a much needed leader for the team. Although I was his mentor, Asad taught me many things. He taught me how to cater to someone's needs and how to nurture someone. But most importantly, his charisma and wonderful attitude made me genuinely root for his achievement and success on and off the court. In today's competitive and jealous society, it was so refreshing to come upon a kid who went against the grain to do things the right way. For a couple hours every week, this kid made me remember how to live life the right way.

Out of all the memories in the season, I will always remember what Asad did after the final whistle of the season. He cried. Asad cried, not out of anger, but out of sadness. We had just lost the championship game, and he cried. I was always there to share his highs, now I had to care for him through his lows. Our wonderful relationship demanded I step up and take care of an important person in my life. Asad played his heart out, and he fell short of the goal. Asad walked up to me and said sorry. I looked at him and gave him a hug, knowing full well I wouldn't have it any other way. Some may say all the hard work was for nothing. But I soon saw all of his teammates picking him up, parents appreciating his effort, and opponents shaking hands with the best player on the court. All of this respect was earned through being the hardest worker on the court. I can safely say the reward for Asad's hard work meant a lot to his parents, teammates, and me. The biggest thing he ever taught me was: even if you fall short of high expectations and goals, you still accomplish something amazing.

Thanks to meeting Asad and getting to know him, I can truthfully say my life has changed. Now, as I try to live my life the way he does, I only regret that I didn't start sooner. When I was younger, I always questioned whether I worked hard enough; now I question how far could I go with hard work. The time he has been in my life may have been short, but his virtues will stay with me forever. I only hope I can inspire other people as well as he inspired me.
srp284cave 4 / 11  
Aug 26, 2012   #2
Hi, this essay seems like a typical inspiration essay (just like mine). I admit, I'm no where near a superior writer, but the issue of concern with my essay, and yours, is redundancy and lack of details! If you can do anything to make the reader feel like he's there too, or give specifics on HOW he has changed you in the final essay.. it would surely boost your essay! good luck with your essay!

p.s. im also doing applytexas for UT and A&M.
OP freakosaur 1 / 7  
Aug 28, 2012   #3
Ya what you said makes sense. I described him alot, but not really specifically how I changed myself. Will edit it. Thanks.

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