Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Posts by jakejellings201
Joined: Oct 24, 2012
Last Post: Oct 24, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  

From: united states

Displayed posts: 7
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Story of the Step Sister [2]

Hey, Thanks a lot for looking at my essay. It really helped!

I couldn't find the essay prompt so hopefully my opinion below is relevant, but what I could make out from your essay in the beginning is that you're trying to analyze how fantasy stories show gender stereotypes, but then I realized that you were trying to find the origin of the stereotype that girls should be passive and docile. Maybe in the introduction, instead of starting right off with Cinderella, try pointing out the whole objective of this essay.

"he begins uses her slipper to find her." in paragraph 5.

"Cinderella intends to inspires young..." This seems to be a quote from Ritam Dutta, but the word "inspires" shouldn't be plural. In this case, since the grammatical error is in the quote, I don't have the professional advice about whether you should change it or not, it would just seem a little weird if college admissions read the grammar error.

From what my english teachers tell me, never start a paragraph with a quote- In paragraph 12

"These qualities did not match with that of the step sisters; henceforth, the reason why they could not fit into the glass slipper. The glass slipper therefore, is a symbol of the standards that a girl, including the step-sisters, is to meet to be considered a proper and desirable lady. Furthermore, the stepsister's failed attempt at fitting into the glass slipper is an illustration of their failure to conform and be considered lady like. This is due to their vain and selfish personalities." --- These sentences could probably be tied together better. Maybe "The glass slipper is a symbol of the standards that a girl, including the step-sisters, is to meet to be considered a proper and desirable lady. Because of the stepsister's vain and selfish personalities, they failed to fit their feet into the slipper which illustrates their failure to conform and be considered lady like".

"is the intended audience. The intended audience influenced the extent to where the gender stereotype is being revealed." I would probably get rid of the word intended and maybe write "this audience" instead.

stereotype is being revealed I'm not sure if the word being is necessary

" Dutta explains that when literary fairy tales came to be they were taken and rewritten for the higher social classes, suiting their ideology of how a woman ought to behave" I really like this point, but "come to be" in this sentence could probably be different.

I feel like the second to last paragraph just has too many embedded quotes, maybe write more using your own words

If this essay had to somewhat analyze fiction stories that stereotype women, then I just have to say that it's really hard analyzing! I have trouble analyzing and instead I summarize, which I feel is what you're doing with the Cinderella story. In other words, In the beginning the essay seems to be summarizing the story of Cinderella. When others tell me that I'm summarizing in my analytical essays, it's hard for me to understand what they mean. So maybe as to help, try reading the nine paragraphs following the first paragraph. Most of it is summarizing, and then at the end of the paragraph there's a sentence of analysis. You're more of telling a story of Cinderella (unless that was what you were trying to do).

Hopefully this helps, haha and hopefully I didn't miss the whole point of this essay, but if you post the essay prompt maybe I can look into it further tomorrow!
Oct 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun' - My essay for term's examination [5]

I wouldn't reiterate what the prompt said, so I would probably get rid of "concluded that according to available medical records, the six worst worldwide flu epidemics during the past 300 years occurred in 1729, 1830, 1918, 1957, 1968, 1977. There was heavy sunspot activity in these years. Furthermore it stated that people who are in the high risk category for catching the flu should avoid prolonged exposure to the sun." so that you will be able to write more about your opinion or argument.

For the second paragraph, "This argument / conclusion" I would only pick one word for it, which would be argument because it states that it is an argument in the prompt.

"A period of 300 years means that this conclusion is open to challenge as there might have been greater periods of flu epidemics before this time." seems like a reiteration of your thesis in the second paragraph.

The argument for paragraph three is strong.

"other possible reasons and factors that could contribute to the outbreak and the spread of these epidemics.
Actually flu can be contracted in areas with very poor hygiene. Water contamination or poor hygiene standards in the transportation of water supply can result in a flu epidemic. Limited medical supplies can also affect how a flu epidemic is treated. Flu can be the result of weather changes whether man made or natural or living conditions of the society, too." -----I would get rid of the word "actually" and maybe insert it with another transition word such as "for example" Also try connecting the examples that can cause flu epidemics as one whole sentence using commas.

Good luck! Could you also read my essay?
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The Seeker' - Common App - University of Michigan #2 [3]

I really like the first paragraph of your essay!

"Two years ago my director saw my potential, but because of self-doubt I barely could glimpse my star quality. However, I finally realized getting knocked down is required for growth. So I finally took my own advice during my junior year and let myself begin dreaming."------ Did something happen during this period? It was a little confusing, I might revise it a bit.

"All I knew was that after seeing the campus I chose." I would put a comma after the word campus

"During my visit I could tell that the programs offered would benefit me while in a friendly environment." I would also put the word "I'm" in between while and in.

Overall, it was really great, especially in the beginning!
Oh, and could you look at my essay?
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I got subscribers and sponsors' - Community Service Essay [3]

I kind of like the abrupt beginning, it really brings the attention, at least it did for me.

I heard from others that there shouldn't be the word "you" in essays, but I can see how the beginning sentence of the second paragraph can work. In a way, I actually like it.

" that I had decided to do on my own, by myself. " I would get rid of the "by myself" It seems a little bit arrogant. The "my own" part of the sentence already tells me that you started the business by yourself.

"my "mom" was cooking" I'm not sure why there is these symbols - " " - around mom but maybe you should get rid of them because it gives off a bit of an attitude. Although there might a whole different issue with your mom, it doesn't really belong in this essay.

"It was a success, and I did it all on my own." again, the "I did it all on my own" gives a little arrogant tone to it. I would leave that last part of the sentence out.

Could you read my essay?
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Economic field / High rankings' the qualities of University of Michigan [6]

I found that you use the word "I" a little too much and "I find". Try to mix your sentences a bit so that your sentences doesn't seem like reiteration. It's awesome that you want to go into the Medical and Economic field, but your reasoning on why you want to attend is a bit vague, try explaining more in detail.

"In the Medical field of University of Michigan, there's a very high ranking, I think is has the best medical school in Michigan. It might be hard to become the top 1% of the society in the Medical field, but there's always other things I can help others." ----- In this sentence, I would get ride of the "I think" because this is your essay so everything you write is about what you think, it also makes you seem a little unsure.

" A high risk can be taken from this course, but we always said rewards comes with effort. Which I believe is true, as long if I try hard, I will get my reward from it. Being professional in this major, I can make our economy much better." ------- I really like this sentence because it shows your understanding of hard work = success and it gives, at least for me, a feeling that you have the right mindset to succeed.

Maybe also talk about why you want to have both Medical and Economics majors and how those two connect.

But yeah, like what the others said, work on the grammar, maybe have a parent, english teacher, or friend check it for you. Oh, and you have the right passion when you write that you want to be at the top 1% in the society of the medical field, but anyone would want that for themselves too, the question is what makes you stand out to the college administrators that you will make it to the top?
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / Mental Endurance - Short Essay for Common App [6]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences
in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Two weeks before school we started our season. It was a hot summer day on the first week of practice; the novice coaches piled all new members into a group. Immediately they made us run five laps around a huge, grassy field. I wasn't expecting to run much; I had chosen crew mainly because I was light and small enough to be the coxswain and figured that throughout the season, all I would need to do is sit in a boat and direct rowers so the

boat wouldn't crash. I was wrong.

Two weeks before school we started our season. It was a hot summer day on the first week of practice; the novice coaches piled all new members into a group. Immediately they made us run five laps around a huge, grassy field.

I couldn't even run two laps around the field before I wanted to fall on the shaded, cold grass and pretend that I was dead so I didn't have to run anymore. I was so tired and hot that instead of feeling the sun emit rays of heat on me, I felt myself emitting the heat. The only thought running through my mind during the run was pessimism- why did I even decide to join again?

The coaches made sure that nobody stopped, but thankfully a shed located on the field shielded us from view; here we could inhale all the air around us and walk for a second or two before we had to run again. We finished and rested in a shade chugging and pouring down water on our skin to cool down. It was over. I survived. The coach left but came back telling us to run seventeen laps; the consequences for stopping would be to run more laps. At that moment I would have had preferred to run that seven miles to get home; at least I would have been able to have the choice to stop along the way. My heart was pounding in my chest as we stood next to each other in a line- the line where we would start and end. I was already reminding myself of the pain I would have to endure; I started to regret choosing crew as my sport.

He held the stopwatch in his hand, and told us to begin. My first instinct was to pace myself, and plus, it could be worse. Like the others, I could always take a break behind the shed when the coach wasn't looking. As I happily skipped toward paradise, the novice men coach was standing right behind it; the novice woman coach was standing right in front watching the girls. There were no blind spots where I could momentarily stop. This was definitely where I was going to die.

What kept me from giving up was the mental endurance that I learned from my coach. He told us that if we pushed ourselves mentally we could succeed. We ended up rerunning the next day because we didn't beat our time, and ran approximately 51 laps in less than a week, although it isn't a lot compared to cross country runners, it was definitely enough for me. Sometimes we ran as a group, other times individually. Those running

experiences strengthened my mental endurance. The whole idea behind the running test was to see who would continue even though they wanted to give up, because it's what we would be experiencing for the rest of the season. Not only was the sport challenging but so was the schedule. Just like most sports, we would practice weekly with only Sunday off, each practice was required and the excuse to miss practice would have to be a good one with three days notice in advance. To miss practice without a good excuse or to be five minutes late to practice would make the coaches furious. With regatta competitions we would have to stay late after practice ended to transport the boats unto a vehicle so that it can be driven to the regatta. This taught me how to be more punctual and responsible.

Rowing is similar to the concept of running, just as a runner can always run a little faster, a rower can always push a little harder. The only difference is that it isn't wholly dependent on a person but the whole team. I became a rower, so not only were we all different in size and height but we all had different mental endurance, and so if a team member in a boat decided to use less power in a stroke then other team members would have to make up for that loss - we call it pulling other team members' weight. There were times when I would be rowing in a competition and because of the pain, I would feel like jumping out of the boat, but I couldn't let my team down. After regattas- crew competitions- it was always rewarding to know that I pushed my hardest and reward myself with a hot shower.

Regardless of the pain, in certain situations, there's always a point when an athlete can get better. It's always about pushing past the limits. Learning how to push myself doesn't only apply in crew, but also in other situations as well. There will be many times where I'll experience failure, but to able to continue and hold a positive attitude is what matters.

- - - Is the essay a bit long even though the word limit is 1000 words? I feel like it's not very interesting compared to my other essays. Is there anything that I should cut? or maybe make the introduction more interesting.