Unanswered [10] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by eharvey03
Joined: Jan 19, 2009
Last Post: Dec 9, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 10  


Displayed posts: 12
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
eharvey03   
Dec 9, 2012
Undergraduate / UW Freshman Application Essay (Personal Statement): Girl meets world! [2]

Hi sylviayso ,

I really like the main ideas you present in this essay. I think both the immigration challenges you faced and your self appraisal of earlier immaturity provides good insight into your value as a university student.

One bit of advice that might help add more impact to your essay would be to add some more details about how these experiences and lessons shaped your current readiness for college. I think the most important sentences of the essay are at the end: "I am very glad that I had this difficult yet rewarding experience to motivate my development into adulthood and its responsibilities in high school. I know that, without this experience, I would not be able to adjust to the independent college career at the University of Washington successfully." But, it would be interesting to hear more about this. What about the difficulty motivated you to change and prepare for responsibility? How has this readied you to be independent and successful at the university? The more specific you can be about the lessons you learned, the better you will sound as a student. Lots of applicants will say that they are mature and independent, but only a few will be able to explain why they are.

Hope that helps.
eharvey03   
Dec 9, 2012
Research Papers / The Belittled Paralysis [2]

Hi Kewens,

You raise an interesting prompt but the argument requires significant reworking. In the initial paragraph you say, "Society has popularized cancer and obesity to such an extreme that other significant diseases do not receive as much recognition and are underrated," if this is your thesis, the rest of the essay fails to support it. You do not follow this up by providing evidence that other diseases are "underrated." With a statement like that you have to explain what exactly "underrated" means. What level of attention should these other considerations have? Based on what? Does paralysis afflict more people than cancer, per donated dollar? You spend a lot of time explaining what cancer and obesity are but that support your thesis.

I think the best advice I can give is to re-assess the argument you want to make. What is your thesis, and what facts support your thesis? Then remove anything in this draft that doesn't fit with the specific argument you want to make.
eharvey03   
Dec 9, 2012
Undergraduate / How SCS-TV Has Influenced Me-University of Dayton Admissions Essay [2]

Hi Jen.

Your experience with the student news station sounds interesting but I think the essay can be more clear to the point regarding what that experience meant to you. The first paragraph could be much shorter. I think you're trying to introduce your experience in that paragraph but it seems to get sidetracked providing unnecessary details. The important aspect of this prompt is the experience's, "impact on you". So I think you would be better served with a very brief summary of your involvement with the station.

You'll then have more space to elaborate on why this experience was important by supporting your comments in the second paragraph. When you make a statement about how this experience influenced you, you want to back it up with an explanation. When you say it, "sparked your interest," what about it did you find interesting? When you say it, "showed you the possibilities of journalism," what possibilities drew your attention? When you talk about it bringing you out of your shell, making your more comfortable interacting with teachers, and asking questions, how did your experience change you in such a way?

Those questions are the interesting ones which provide you an opportunity to express your unique characteristics.
eharvey03   
Jul 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Tiny Amherst Essay: Anything to Tweak? [8]

I read that you adjusted to the comments by the moderotors well. I think this short essay is good but if you're interested in more style tweaks here's some suggestions:

I want to observe the open curriculum at work; this innovative program would allow me to pursue my degree and dabble in other areas of interest without falling off-track. Conversing with professors involved with the Five College International Relations Program would provide me with a better grasp of the program and let me discover the endless possibilities accessible. The study abroad opportunities available through Amherst also seem fascinating; being able to talk with faculty and students about the opportunities obtainable and events they experienced would be incredible.

You open the paragraph with some good specifics but then close with vagaries. Why are the study abroad opportunities fascinating? Then the phrase: "the opportunities obtainable and events they experienced" is awkward. I think if you reword it to speak more directly about why the study abroad program is interesting, you will fix that.

Hope that helps. Good luck with the essay.
eharvey03   
Jul 28, 2009
Graduate / Krannert and the Purdue - SOP for Phd in Finance [7]

The overall themes of your essay are great. You point out your strengths and make a good argument for your academic quality.

I think you can make some small style improvements to tighten up you're message. I'll give general tips with a couple examples. The recommendations I give are just an example of a more precise style to use.

-Avoid qualitative phrases. They force your sentences into awkward structure.
"Confronted with complex dynamics of economic environment, businesses put an increasing emphasis on corporate financial management."
Try something like: "To meet the growing complexity of the economic environment companies increase their emphasis on..."; This is more direct to you point.

-Try to avoid adverbs. They tend to be awkward and sloppy. Also avoid saying "I feel" or "I believe", these phrases add uncertainty, and express a lack of confidence. It's already clear that this essay expresses what you feel and believe.

"I feel strongly that it is necessary to equip myself with a set of "
Try something like: "It is necessary to equip myself with..."

-Brake your sentences down to their fundamental ideas. Then check if those ideas are clear in your sentence structure. Trim out unecessary phrases to sharpen your point.

"Furthermore, constantly influenced by my uncle, who is a professor of finance and has published lots of research papers in various academic journals, I have followed his footsteps and determined my long-term goal-engaging in a research position and devoting to an education career, while a Ph.D. degree is the only standard path to fulfill this goal."

"Try something like: My uncle influenced me to pursure this career in academia. He was a sucessful professor of finance and I have followed in his footsteps by setting my goals for a research position. I am motivated to earn an Ph. D. towards that end."
eharvey03   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

The essay is just a lot of stating the obvious, and it seems intolerant

You're right. Looking at at the essay I definitely need to better communicate my point. I think the writing style is very stale and putoffish. I'll work on that, I'm glad I posted it here :)

And you seemed intolerant again when you called money spent on those kids a "loss."

It's a loss to the education department that is struggling to make ends meet, especially during this current budget climate. It's not that they do not want to teach these children it's just that they are struggling to do so without the tax money. But I'll revise and make my concern for the economic state of the education system more clear.
eharvey03   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

You are young but already brain-washed by the "independent" (wink) media... Not to mention HALF of the "US" army soldiers ARE IMMIGRANTS (did you know the US government give US citizenship to immigrants who go to war as US soldiers?).

Monte you are so clearly ignorant you almost warrant no response. Almost. I am not young. You know what they say about assumptions. I do know that non legalized citizens serve in the military. They are no where near half the population of the Army but you knew that. You just felt liked squeaking in a lie to bolster your argument. You know what they say about 66% of most statistics. I have served in the Army for 6 years now. The Army does not award citizenship to soldiers that deploy, but I'm beating a dead horse. You know you're argument was 99% BS.

My paper states the need for reform. It uses economic data to highlight the importance of the issue. That data does not come from any media. It comes from economic analysts.

I'm not making a statement that illegals need to be run from the country or that they are an unwanted part of our society, far from it. My personal opinion is that we need to work to legalize more immigrants. That is how they become tax payers. To let the 07 legislation fail and not address the 38 million illegal immigrants in our country is absurd. We should not hide our head because it's too difficult. That data is in there to strengthen my central argument on the importance of immigration as an issue, not to make an argument either way about immigration policy.

Even better would be "should not"

Oops, never use the word "foreigner" unless you want to sound intolerant.

You're right about should not.

I use the word foreigner there on purpose. In that sentence I am making the point that during economic slides, immigration reform is difficult because local workers see immigration reform as something that adds more competition to their shrinking job market. Our workers see any newly legalized citizens as foreigners. I don't understand how that is unclear? I dedicate the entire 2nd paragraph to flushing out the point.

paying in taxes totaled $10 billion at the federal level in 2002. Wow, only $10 billion? Well, to me, that sounds like $10 billion well-spent, because immigrants are trying to get better lives, and they are as human as I am. I am so lucky to have been born in Massachusetts; I don't even have to sneak across any border.

It's really funny that someone can even say "only 10 billion" but judging by these responses maybe I need to clarify my point in the paper. I did go on to say that a county education system reported 9 billion (!) in net loss to undocumented immigrants.

Sean:
The prompt is to "explain the significance of the issue". My aim was to make the argument that immigration is still significant not to make an argument about specific types of legislation. I don't believe a transfer application warrants a full persuasive essay about the issue. I tried to use some figures to tie immigration, a fading issue, to the current hot issue of our economy. Did I fail to meet the prompt in that way? Do you have recommendations for me to better explain the significance of the issue.
eharvey03   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

This is a UT Austin transfer essay.

Prompt: Personal Essay

Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Essay:

The economic crisis has captured the attention of Washington and the American public but immigration reform should not be forgotten. The legislation effort of 2007 failed but we should not let it fade from the public eye. It is difficult to warm American workers to loosened legalization processes and larger guest worker programs, and infinitely more so in the current economic climate. However, we should not let political difficulty derail necessary changes.

As unemployment rises so does the political power of domestic labor. During economic downturns people want their government to support local markets by restricting imports. This is as true for labor as it is for goods and services. As American industries call for increased tariffs, American labor interests will fight immigration reform. American workers will fear foreign competition and politicians will shy from compromise.

With the failure of the 2007 bill Americans effectively turned away. Republican and Democratic legislators shot down compromises and instead chose not to act at all. And so we are to forget the 38 million immigrants who still live and work in our country as less than citizens.

As our government withholds citizenship from them it also pays more than it receives. The Center For Immigration Studies found that the net deficit of illegal immigrants using more in services then paying in taxes totaled $10 billion at the federal level in 2002. It's clear now that the federal government can not bock at $10 billion.

This hypocrisy hits local governments even harder. School districts, hospitals, cities, counties and state governments themselves are feeling the sharp pain of falling property values. At the same time they provide many services to illegal immigrants who do not have the right to return the favor by paying taxes. Will we allow schools to close while preventing immigrant parents from helping to fund them?

Immigration is a significant aspect of our economy. We should not ignore it, or forget attempts to reform. To do nothing is unacceptable.
eharvey03   
Jan 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "A Thinking Person" - Law School Personal Statement [7]

You have several good themes here that do address the prompt well. However, they seem to be woven together awkwardly. Several of the descriptions seem forced. The sentence structure is unnatural.

Here are some specific examples.

I'm a thinking person. I believe people are defined by their participation within humanity. Inside each person are vast caverns of knowledge, lessons learned that can enrich the lives of many.We are shaped by our experiences; without them we are empty shells of something non human. I believe that we must interact within our world and contribute to society.

I recently entered the 8th annual Bernard C. Kissel Outstanding Student Speaker Competition in March of two thousand and seven. My subject was on Universal Health Care. The thing that shook me the most was people at risk are not individuals who don't want to work, but families that spend their lives working day in and day out. Before the competition I had the chance to talk with other contestant's .We shared suggestions and ideas with one another. One contestant told me she "loved my voice" and it "makes her want to believe." Any person who is working on something important to them would love that sentiment. I missed the finals by three points, but in some way her words were my reward instead of winning.

What I like about participating in this contest, is the ability to give knowledge to people, letting them know what's going on. My job was to persuade my audience about the importance of universal health care. If one person knows the seriousness of the issue then I succeeded.

I was also a mediator for Dispute Resolution Services on campus. I chose being a mediator in order to understand various ways to resolve conflict between people. I had to attain a required twenty hours of training. I gained valuable insight into the human experience and how they are viewed differently. In a certain case, a television was broken. One roommate assumed a particular person in the apartment broke it. I listened and learned from my mediation partner who was a lawyer. He was good at laying down the facts and "twisting arms" to get a solution everyone could live with.

One of my most meaningful groups I participate in is the Student Conduct Board. Students who break the rules will come before a panel of students and professors. I embrace working with students who may have made a mistake .Sometimes they may need a little guidance that would allow them to learn from their wrong choices.

...

Try writing your first draft unconcerned with who will read it. This way you focus on being more natural. Then, you can edit to add strength where you need it.
eharvey03   
Jan 22, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Texas Transfer Essay A ("cultural understanding") [6]

Thanks Sean and Kevin. You're right I need to tweak it a bit for that second paragraph.

Menamilad; I'm applying to UT Austin through applytexas.org. If you log in to your account on that site there should be a tab that says "My Essays". This site has lots of helpful information also: bealonghorn.utexas.edu
eharvey03   
Jan 19, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Texas Transfer Essay A ("cultural understanding") [6]

Essay Prompt: Statement of Purpose

Essay:
I have seen first hand the power of cultural understanding. Working as an intelligence analyst in the most diverse province of Iraq I was almost forced to. If you don't know the people, their customs and beliefs you can not truly understand their issues and conflicts. This simple lesson had a great impact on me personally and professionally. Upon returning from Iraq I had made the decision to leave the military and to study foreign policy and foreign cultures with the goal of using these studies to help our government better understand and relate to other countries.

While serving in the United States Army I was stationed in Germany. There I had my first great opportunity to experience new cultures. I spent much of my time exploring. I shopped at the local market, traveled with German friends, cheered on the American (and some times German) world cup team, and even followed the race as Angela Merkel became Germany's first female chancellor. I knew that it was a rare opportunity to really live in a different country and I took advantage of it. I spent weekends traveling as far as a plane, a train or a days drive could get me. These experiences were invaluable. They have greatly improved my empathy and interest for different cultures.

As important as my years in Germany are to me, it wasn't until I was deployed to Iraq that a clear career path began to take shape. I worked in the Diyala Province, a province that extends north east of Baghdad to the Iranian border. Diyala is a unique area of Iraq. It is a fault line between Sunni, Shia and Kurdish cultures. Like most of Iraq the majority of the population in the province is Shia and generally influenced by neighboring Iran. However there is a strong Sunni heritage in several of the key cities and Kurdish families own major oil regions and transportation routes.

I quickly learned that these secular generalizations could not fully explain the true local issues. Day to day conflict inside the region could not be lumped into broader religious disagreements. I lived and worked with several Iraqi police and army members of varying age and rank. Most were Shia, however some were Sunni and Kurdish. Members of the different sects were absolutely tolerant of each other. Many friendships crossed religious boarders. It was clear from my discussions with them that local politics, competition between families, and a general desire for someone to assert power and provide safety were all causes of violence. Religious fervor rarely was.

This stark difference between the perceived motivation for violence and the actual causes was both startling and interesting. It meant the problem was much more complicated then some wanted to believe but also that there was hope to improve the situation. The problem was not some vague unaddressable religious doctrine. It was something that local US commanders could get involved with and improve. My work for the remainder of the deployment focused on breaking down the common generalizations about religious violence and increasing our commanders' understanding of local issues.

During that deployment I realized I was doing what I loved. Working to solve conflict through greater personal understanding of local issues was incredibly rewarding. I decided, however, that I needed to pause my career and focus on education. By attending a University full time I could get the well rounded and developed education I needed. With that education I hope to better help our country interact with an increasingly globalized world.

Any tips on grammar or style are appreciated.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳