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Posts by hongyen2192
Joined: Nov 9, 2012
Last Post: Dec 26, 2012
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Posts: 13  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Exercising/MIT's EECS /Initiativeness/; MIT Short Responses [4]

I think the second topic should rewrite to make it relates to you more. It sounds like I read to understand about the major, not how the major appeals to you.

Hope it help :)

Please like if the comment useful.
Dec 26, 2012
Essays / internship at the governor's office - "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" [2]

I think they are asking about your long-term goals, like what your position in social you will be in 5 year, what you will use with your education that you get from your college, or another side, you can write about who you want to become in the governor's office in 5 years if you are interesting about this job

Hope it help :)

Please Like my comment, if you think it useful. Thank you. :)
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / The ticking clock/ Personal Attribute [4]

It's a great essay! Your sentences go fluency.
But you should tell more about your specific action, so the essay will be better than just listing like this

Hope this help :)
Dec 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / American Literature Literary Criticism Unit - "Easy A" [4]

You help me, there I help you back :)

"Feminism had first come into recorded use in 1895 to describe the theory of political, economic, and social equality of men and women. In the past women were limited women in the traditional roles(stay at home, married, and raising children). That was a stereotype of women in the past. In other word, women were not treated equally as a man. They could not do what they wanted except their roles. Women were in passive. However, since the 1960s, women have made much progress to ask for being treated equally as men: National Organization of Women (1966) asked for equal pay and opportunity, Equal Right Amendment (1972) asked for no discrimination based on gender, and Ms. magazine (early 1070s) was a feminist magazine, etc. With these efforts, women are able to be treated equally under the law. Women start to have important positions in society. After all, women can do anything that a man can do. However, for today, feminism still has another stereotype to concern about that women need to be beauty at worth to have power what the men do not need to do.

Easy A, which was a 2010 teen comedy film written by Bert V. Royal, is a typical example to look for feminism. First of all, in the movie, the way people foisted Olive as a horse when she lied she slept with a guy was like the way people foisted stereotype about traditional roles for women in history. Women are always thought beingof as one of three things: a virgin, a horse, or a mother. That was not a feminist way, women were always treated with stereotypes they were given. And again like women in history, Olive was not also treated in equally as men. She was called a studyou mean "slut" ? while Bradon - a gay guy - was validated as a man through "sleeping with" her in spite of a same situation. Evidently, men were treated in a positive way, but women were treated in a negative way. Following the movie, after all , Olive became the victim of her school's rumor mill as a woman in passive became the victim of her traditional roles. To ask for better things, to ask for women's rights, women in the past made movements ,this is confusing Olive also relied on the school's rumor mill to advance her social and financial standing. She started dressing provocatively and turning heads in the hallways. Then, she became from a invisible girl to a popular girl. This also showed an example about beauty at worthconfusing here , maybe use another word . Olive was more popular when she made herself more beauty. People still often treat women with their beauty, not just themselves as people treat a man - the more beauty a woman is, the more power she has

"History works tell us about facts and events, while movie works collect and remake kind of the same situations about history in a film to help us easyeasilyto know what was things look like. Easy A is a film about feminism. Feminism was accepted for a long time, but today there are still have non-feminist stereotypes about women somewhere. The film was published to remind people that we should treat people equally. Women and men need to be feminism because just like many Declaration of Independence said: "All women and men created equal.""

Great final!
Dec 25, 2012
Scholarship / Why this MAJOR? for U and UR COUNTRY? wht u will do after GRADUATION? [3]

For me:

The first paragraph is OK. :)

The second paragraph...you are saying about physics role in the large picture, I suggest that you should add something about how physics is important to you like a small picture as well, so that reader will feel like they read your opinion, not a history recorded :)

Adding some information about your area with physics and from that you realize about how physics is important to your country will make your essay more sticked more together.

The last paragraph, I think you should at some name of places where you should work with your purpose, so it will make your essay more persuade that you have a clearly goals.

That's my opinion, hope it will help, Good luck :)
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / "My American step dad"; UVA/ Decribe the world you come from [2]

Through reading your essay, I know you was talking about your step dad and how he affected your life in your second country. The idea and the bone of the story are good, but I think you need more transaction to make the essay better, try to use one topic sentence at the beginning in each paragraph, it will help the purpose of the paragraph clear and can help you transaction from the previous one.

In addition, you should tell more than say like for this sentence "However, his high standards and strict rules occasionally frustrate me" if I was you, I will add some evidences like telling about how you were frustrated

That's my opinion
Hope it will help :)
Dec 25, 2012
Letters / Letter of recommendation by a principal for a student in his high school [4]

I see my lit. teacher use ":" instead of "," in the "To whom it may concern,"

For this paragraph:
"I am writing this letter to give my highest possible recommendation for X who was a student in A high school where I'm the principal. During three years, X has shown exceptional qualities both in academic results and in the social life within the high school and beyond."

In my experience, I will write like this "As a high school principal, I have chance to know X as an excelled student. During three years in high school, X has shown his/her good ability both in academic results and in social life."

Some of my opinion, I hope It will help :)
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / My favorite Korean bands; ''Kpop"/ What do you do in your freetime essay? [8]

it will better if you add or tell something like evidences or situations in yours daily life what the music effected you to do ( like yours actions), so that the reader can see you really like kpop, not just listing or telling like materials like that. Just saying :)
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / I am six foot tall; Height and U Chicago [9]

in my opinion, it may sound better if you add some words or sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. Just saying :)