Posts by Lilian95

Lilian95

Dec 2, 2012

Undergraduate / UIUC essay: Past circumstances and choice of major; My enthusiasm about mathematics [2]

Pls help me with the UIUC essays. Still the first draft, so any comment or criticism is especially needed!
And any idea how I can make it sound less like a plain summary of my previous life? I really have a trouble with this! Thanks!!!

ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please describe how your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major. If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois.

My enthusiasm about mathematics started at my family's dinner table. Every night after dinner, my dad and are I would sit together, raising battle after battle on the draft paper to see who could solve a mathematic problem faster and better. Sometimes, the battle could last until midnight, until we finally found the most succinct solution. Gradually, answering a mathematic question became my favorite intellectual game. Not satisfied to simply follow the standard method listed in student's handbooks, I, like a commander, enjoy finding my own strategy to win the battle.

Later in my high school, I relished the opportunity to further my interest in Mathematics. I was selected as a top student in the school academic Olympiad team, where we were offered an advanced-level course in University of Science and Technology of China. At the end of class, together with three other teammates, we proposed an investigative research project to analyze the degree of difficulty and differentiation of test papers. For the first time, I was able to see how an abstruse model could be applied to solve a real-world problem. Since then, how to use maths in daily life becomes an area I am particularly passionate about.

My dream is to become an actuary. In UIUC, I desire to learn how to establish mathematical models to predict the market fluctuations, to assess the risk and minimize the cost for businesses and insurance industry. Dream is always inspiring. I know it is still a long and painstaking way to go, but with a constant passion in advancing myself, a determined heart that never easily give up in front of challenges, I see my dream soar high in the realm of mathematics, and it will start with UIUC.

Lilian95

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]

Thanks i will consider revising the last paragraph. :)

I posted one comment on yours, but I cannot post two comments at the same time. So I put the comment for the second piece here:

weeyizhi
I should say the flow of the second essay kind of confuses me. For a moment, I have to go back and to find out whether your mon has passed away or still alive. Then I figured out the former part is your dream. But it's better if you mentioned it earlier.

And I think you should focus more on how your mom's sickness has changed you. For example, you can put some details about the improvement you have achieved academically, just a suggestion.

Hope you can see it! Good luck!

Lilian95

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to learn Latin dance' - UC Prompt #2 A fall or a slippery? [9]

yes, grateful, this is what I am concerning about too. I guess I address too much about my failure and did not address the growth process too much. It is a common problem in my essays actually, and I don't really know how to improve it:( Any comment?

Lilian95

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]

"By making my own inference and prediction, I raised battles after battles with Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie, trying to outwit them intellectually." Will this be a bit clearer?

And can anyone give me some comment about which of the two essay is better for this topic?!!!

Lilian95

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]

Wow, dumi! I like how you reword my language. It sounds so much better! I was trying to say while making my own prediction and inference when reading a detective book is like a battle with the author who wrote it. I think it's not clear enough. I will try revise it:)

Lilian95

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to learn Latin dance' - UC Prompt #2 A fall or a slippery? [9]

Actually, I was using the comm application here, by adding an ending paragraph. Looks like it is a bit redundant and unnecessary. I am taking it off now:)

Thanks guy!

Lilian95

Nov 21, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to learn Latin dance' - UC Prompt #2 A fall or a slippery? [9]

Hi abebayor:
Yes, I was trying to conclude by saying that what I am proud of is not only dancing, but the persistane. Also selfishly yes, I tried to impress a bit by telling them what I have persisted. Since I don't have much room to put the details of other activities, do you think I should rather take the list off the essay? Or any suggestion about how to edit?

Lilian

Lilian95

Nov 21, 2012

Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]

Hi, Dumi:
Thank you for your detailed revision! Definitely those notes are helpful!!! If you have time to look through the rest of the essay, that will be a HUGE favor to me.

Sorry I was not able to respond ealier. But your help is very much appreciated!!!

Lilian95

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / 'A Filipino-German from a traditional village' - Transfer Essay for UC Personal [6]

I think broadly it fits the criterium of "experience", since you are talking about the acculturation and the search of your own identity in the process. I think it won't be a problem.

Maybe in the last sentence, you can remind the reader that the "experience" is what you are proud of. For example, "I am no longer the kid afraid of being bullied for his different skin color. My journey of finding my true identity is what I am really proud of." -My words may not sound right, but hope it can help.

Could you help look at mine too? I have some problems about making my language more specific and detailed. Any help you can give me?

Thanks, cback:)

PS: I like the damn word too! keep it!

Lilian95

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]

Thanks Vid. I am concerned about whether I should talk more about the mathematic and academic instead of the detective book part.

There is another version of my essay, could you give me some comments on this one too? Which one do you like better. And I will definitly consider adding a short example about myself. Thanks guy!

On the way to find the unique self, my parents have a huge impact on me. Growing up during the great Cultural Revolution, they know how difficult it is not to be conformed by the society. As a 12th Grade student myself, I know exactly how it feels like at the institutionalized school. We are turning numb when facing piles of books and sea of worksheets. We have to grudgingly accept the fact that every class break is occupied by different teachers or countless tests. We are forced to endure the great pressure as well as tiredness even if we are actually too tired to move on. We oftentimes stay up late till midnight, only accompanied by endless homework and a slumberous lamp.

Ever since I was young, my parents always encouraged me to develop my own judgment, not blindly accepting what's told by others. When my natural talent in mathematics was noticed by my parents, they began to lead me to explore the joy of independent thinking in the world of science. It is not uncommon to see my dad and I sitting down together, raising battle after battle on the draft paper to see who could solve a problem faster and better. Nibs are flying, papers are flipping and minds are floating. Sometimes, the battle could last until midnight, until finally we find the most succinct solution. To me, answering a mathematic question is not simply to follow the standard method listed in answer keys of any student's handbook, I, like a commander, am eager to find my own way to win the battle.

The days battling with parents intellectually allowed me to grow to be a meticulous thinker; someone who ponders over every detail and clue thoroughly before accepting a common idea. And this attributed greatly to my academic excellence. In the high school entrance examination, I placed 19th among more than 25,000 in my city and was simultaneously admitted by all of the most selective high schools. In high school, the importance of independent thinking became more and more evident. It not only made me excel in most subjects; more profoundly, it enables me to eliminate the noise from public opinions and listen to the voice from my heart, listen to my dream.

I know my dream is in mathematics. I desire to become an actuary, who can use mathematic tools to explore the world of business. I want to learn how to establish mathematical model to predict the market prospects or how to analyze bank interests and calculate the price for insurance companies. Someday in the future, I hope mathematics could lead me ever further to uncover the secrets of nature, just like those predecessors who calculated out the position of Neptune on draft papers, or those who found Golden Section and Fibonacci Sequence in sunflower and conch. I may not achieve the accomplishments such as deducing Pythagorean Theorem or inventing Calculus or solving all the problems in operator theory, but I may apply all I can to the real life and needed realm.

Dream is always inspiring, and I know it is still a long and painstaking way to go. Most of the students apply for University of California because UC is their dream. But I choose UC because my dream needs UC. As a place that has cultivated some of the greatest mathematicians like Shiing-shen Chern and Shing-Tung Yau, I believe it will be an ideal school to tap my potential, and to fulfill my dream. And with a great emphasis on independence and originality, UC will also be the place where my parents' wish would fulfill, that I would grow up to be a truly independent thinker, who never chooses to easily giving up my thought to conform to others.

Lilian95

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to learn Latin dance' - UC Prompt #2 A fall or a slippery? [9]

For All Applicants
PROMPT #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?(Maximum 500 words)

ïź518 words)
The audience leaned forward in their folding chairs, anxiously waiting for the host to announce the champion of the 16th provincial Latin dance contest. The moment of truth arrived, and the host announced the winners: "Xiaoling Chen & Li Zhi". My heart sank. All my visions of basking in the glow of victory, and the pride of my parents came crashing down. Despite the months of endless practices, the pain and sacrifice; once again, I lost.

When I told my mom eight years ago that I wanted to learn Latin dance, I did not foresee that failure would be a part of those lessons. With an passion for the power and sensuality, I saw myself elegantly delivering complicated combinations of steps and routines with a grace that left awe in its wake. Now I saw that awe on the faces of the audience - just not for me. I was left with an empty feeling that hollowed me to the core. I felt like I wanted to scream, but instead I just applauded the winning pair.

Should I give up? I was 16 years old, a top student in my class, leader of our school debate team, assistant director in model United Nations, and an active volunteer guide in Anhui Provincial Museum. "Look, I am just too busy." I could easily excuse my failure with my other successes and move on.

But deep in my heart, I knew that I couldn't. For the past eight years, every Wednesday night and through every weekend, I rode my bike an hour each way to the dance studio. There, I was truly immersed in the joy of dance; intensely practicing every move, every stretch, until I was drenched in sweat. There were times when my knees were covered with bruises and scars, when sickness took away my strength, when the heavy workload at school overwhelmed me; yet still I persevered, and never missed a single class. To me, dance is my outlet to express myself, and my way to feel the world. It is the most direct, passionate and pure existence of rhythms of life. I know how much I love it. A life without dance is something I can't imagine, so I picked myself up and I kept going.

For my past 17 years of life, I've been through so many situations like the day standing in that provincial contest. Every time when I was lured to give up, when I was disheartened by failure, I will soon made up my mind again and kept on going. I am never a quick learner. I started with a very slow pace in learning new things, but later in life, I always find myself one of the few who have kept on until the end. Eight years of Latin dance, four years of participating in English debate, three years teaching myself Spanish, and two years of volunteering in city museum- to what I am passionate about, as soon as I started, I never give up halfway. This is me. Being persistent is my secret to success and is what I am truly proud of myself.

Lilian95

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / UC essay; 'My beginnings were humble' - Describe the world you come from [4]

The general flow is pretty good. Like your language.

I think it may be improved if you can provide a little bit more detail about your mom or dad's influence, for example a word they said that inspire you. And you might want to try not to sound pessimistic when you are talking about your experience indecisive in major choice.

With tremendous support from all sides, I slowly found myself being rescued from the seemingly bottomless abyss which I had gotten myself into.---this sound a little too bad, isn't it?

Generally speaking, good job!

Good luck with your application and PLZ help review mine, thanks!

Lilian95

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / UC-prompt 1 Learning to be an independent thinker [10]

Hi, as the deadline is approaching, I still feel unsure about my essay. Feel I did not address the topic effectively, but don't know where to start editing. Help pls!

And I have some problem shortening my language too, anyone who can give me some suggestions on that! I will edit your essays too! Thanks!

PROMPT #1: Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations(Maximum 500 words).

(543 words) I am from in a small conservative community in China where conformity is key to survival. Since little, we were educated with strict rules, obligations, and restrictions. There are right ways, and there are wrong ways. To be a doctor is right, to be a cook is wrong. Short hair for boys is right, short skirt for girls is wrong. Gradually, we were forced to transform our thoughts to fit in the standard answer, while independent thinking becomes a luxury. But is life as straightforward as being black or white? I have doubts.

Growing up during the great Cultural Revolution, my parents know how difficult not to be conformed in China, so they tried their best to encourage me to develop my own way of thinking. When I was young, every night before bedtime, I would curl up by my "aficionado of whodunnits" mom, waiting for her to vividly read me her favorite detective stories about Holmes or Poiret. But she would never uncover the secret before I proposed my own analysis about the case. Since then, a young, curious mind started her first attempt in becoming an independent thinker. For me, reading detective novels is not passively follow the authors' flow of thoughts, but to raise a battle trying to outwit them. Bit by bit, I started to enjoy the excitement not only as a reader, but also as a detective.

The days battling with great authors like Sir Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie intellectually allowed me to grow to be a meticulous thinker, who develop my judgment not upon the authority, ignorance, whim, or prejudice, but upon my own examination and evaluation of argument and evidence. And this habit of forming my own thought has attributed greatly to my academic excellence. In the high school entrance examination, I placed 19th among more than 25,000 in my city and was simultaneously admitted by all of the most selective high schools. Now, the importance of independent thinking became more and more evident not solely in academic study. More profoundly, it enables me to eliminate the noise from public opinions and listen to the voice from my heart, and listen to my dream.

I know my dream is in mathematics. I desire to become an actuary, who can use mathematic tools to explore the world of business. I want to learn how to establish mathematical model to predict the market prospects or how to analyze bank interests and calculate the price for insurance companies. Someday in the future, I hope mathematics could lead me ever further to uncover the secrets of nature, just like those predecessors who calculated out the position of Neptune on draft papers, or those who found Golden Section and Fibonacci Sequence in sunflower and conch.

Dream is always inspiring, and I know there is still a long and painstaking way to go. Most of the students apply for University of California because UC is their dream. But I choose UC because my dream needs her. With a great emphasis on independence and originality, I believe it will be an ideal school to tap my potential, to fulfill my dream, and also to become a truly independent thinker, who never chooses to easily giving up her thought to conform to others.