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Posts by mzontario [Suspended]
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Dec 29, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 43  
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From: Canada

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mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / change is good; William and Mary /type of person [4]

I liked everything except the beginning. It was almost a bit TOO honest, yknow.

Apart from being a positive and cheerful person, I never liked to try new things; it just scared the gibbers out of me. I would always fear "what if this happened" or "what if that happened". I never liked change. But as a New Year approaches, I have realized that it's time to change my attitude, and it's strange how it took a college essay to understand what I have been missing. It's time to throw away some old rule books, and start taking risks in more things in life.

Don't outright state you don't like to try new things - universities like adaptable and risk taking students.

Saying something along the lines of, I've always been hesitant to try new things in fear of the many 'what if' situations. However, as he new year approaches ...

Other than that, it sounds good.

Please check my essays out?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / College of Human Ecology (HBHS Major) - CORNELL SUPPLEMENT [4]

This is really great! perhaps one of the best essays I've read on here. :)

Excellent personal narrative / experience. It shows that you know a lot about the school as well.

Good job!

Check out my essays?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Want to help children become confident; BOSTON COLLEGE SUPP: Service to Others [5]

producing massive results.

producing is a weird, technical term.

Also, when drawing upon your volunteering experiences, try to be more detailed, even if it means just writing where you volunteered and what you did.

he diverse range of domestic and international service programs offered at Boston would allow me to actively engage in my community and use my influence to assist others.

programs SUCH AS _______.

It's one thing to know that these programs exist but it's a huge advantage if you can name specifics. Show that you genuinely care about attending the school.

Overall, great job!

Check my essays out?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / "Integrated Learning Major" ;Syracuse U Supp/ Who or what influenced applying? [4]

This is great!

Unique answers that showed who you are for sure.

Something I had gained from my work experience was a confirmation of a strength I had presumed would serve me well at Kumon Midtown East: Reading and Math center. This quality was my curiosity and drive to learn new things.

Try to make it so that you're not rephrasing the question to begin your answer.

Maybe: As a tutor at Kumon ___________, I developed a curiosity and drive to learn new things.
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / GRANDFATHER - my first teacher - person who influenced me [9]

I still remember how very eagerly as a child I would look forward to my summer vacation. For me, two months of summer holidays would mean our trip to grandpa's house and endless hours of learning daily.

Be a little bit more specific in what your grandfather taught you. Recount a specific anecdote.

To make it longer, maybe divide it into past and present. How when you were younger, you liked hearing his stories, but it was only when you got older that you realized how deep and insightful his lessons really were.

Good idea - just tailor it more.

Help with mine?
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / My role model is my father; University of Michigan / Unique qualities [4]

Good but why are words like Math and Accounting always caps?

To be honest, I do not only desire to go to the University of Michigan to get a degree in Actuarial and Financial Mathematics,

Don't say 'to be honest.'

my life will be positively changed forever
^ Kind of cheesy.
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / My grandmother; Common application essay; I have learned many things. [3]

First, she witnessed at an arm's reach how her father was murdered in a mugging, how, due to the illiteracy of her family, she saw crooked lawyers trick her mother into taking a magnificent ranch, and have her baby brother die in a pool

She witnessed at arm's reach her father's murder in a mugging, the corruption of lawyers who took advantage of her mother's illiteracy, and the death of her baby brother in a pool.

On THE contrary,
'she made sure her children obtain a better quality of life' - example?

She has always been there for me to congratulate me for my achievements and correct me from my mistakes.
^ a bit random

You used the word resilient / resilience twice. Try to find another.

Very captivating story.

:)

Check out my essays?
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I am the elected President of PBC; Common App - Youth can make a difference [4]

"Thank you and please, put students first." Managing a shy smile, I sat back down, exhaling a huge sigh of relief as I rubbed off the sweat on my palms on the pale champagne colored table cloth. I was never good with public speaking. Although I had little trouble being vocal with friends, speaking in front of a crowd was completely different. Now, one can imagine my apprehension with speaking in a room full of politicians and reporters at Toronto's Ontario Legislative Building. How did I get into this situation? It all began sophomore year.

'You will not be taken seriously. You must wait until you grow up. You are not capable.' But I really wanted to help; I was searching for an opportunity, an issue to tackle or someone to assist, and yet I was told by teachers that, as a high school student, I can't lead until I'm older.

In Grade 10, I, along with my fellow student senators, advised the two Student Trustees elected to represent the students of the Peel District School Board. Before long, the new year approached and the time to elect the next year's Student Trustees drew near. At first, the thought of running for the position did not even cross my mind. However, with the encouragement of friends and family, I decided to step out of my comfort zone. After two months of submitting resumes, sitting through interviews, and campaigning against 16 students across three cities, I was called through the intercom to the principal's office and was told that, I won.

Beginning my role was nerve wracking. There seemed to be doubt everywhere, especially from my teachers. The idea that students, let alone one, can actually initiate change seemed foreign. Having my spirit and initiative cut by adults was daunting, yet, the feelings of being told I was inadequate because of my age made me realize the need for youth to make a difference. Determined to prove everyone wrong, I remained confident and began the year with three goals - address environmental concerns, promote equity within schools, and most importantly, represent the students I was elected to serve.

By the end of my junior year, I was taken back by/shocked what a difference a student could make. With the support of my co - trustee as well as the adult trustees on the board, I represented 150,000 students in acting and speaking out on issues critical to the student population in the [school board], from special education to healthy food in cafeterias. I spearheaded a paperless Board Office, saving $20,000 annually, making a significant environmental and financial impact, collected over 2,000 signatures in support of Bill 13, Ontario's first anti - bullying legislation, and planned a district wide Day of Pink in the fight against bullying, discrimination, homophobia, and transphobia. In addition, as a General Assembly member of the Ontario Student Trustees' Association (OSTA), the largest student-facilitated organization comprised of all the Ontario Student Trustees, I became a part of a group dedicated to representing student voice on both local and provincial issues, encouraging student presence at affiliated stakeholder meetings. Through OSTA, I met student leaders like myself who shared a mutual sense of understanding that youth can, and will, make a difference.

At the end of my first term, I realized that initiating change did not have to be on a large scale. Often, the real empowerment begins not with the Ministry of Education, student senates, or student councils but rather, with students themselves. Motivated to address issues at a grassroot level, I ran for re - election and won, becoming the first two - term Student Trustee of the Peel District School Board.

Currently three months into my second term, I am the elected President of the Public Board Council (PBC) of OSTA and represent over 1.2 million Ontario public students. To engage as many students as possible, I began taking time to visit various schools across the district and listen to exactly what students, especially those who are not as vocal, have to say. Although this communication was beneficial, I had minimal ways to reach out to students all across Ontario. Thus, the first provincial wide initiative I took on as President was to provide a method of two-way communication between OSTA and Ontario students. After hours of discussion with public Student Trustees, we decided to launch the Ontario Student Voice Forum, a forum-based website where students can anonymously discuss various issues in education. Many spoke out about their loss of ex
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Breathtaking campus of medium size ; Columbia Sup/ Why Columbia? [4]

Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.

There is not one thing that draws me to Columbia, but many.

Columbia's breathtaking campus is small enough to not feel lost in the crowd, yet large enough to meet unique people and explore NYC, from the Underbelly Project to Fort Tryon Park. From dollar pizza in Times Square to Upper East Side restaurants, and unique internships to city-wide opportunities, Columbia and its surroundings allows for a liberating balance in life.

Columbia's World Leaders Forum is something unique to the university that I find particularly inviting. As a student interested in local and global change, I can witness issues that matter to me being brought to the forefront of discussion by the world's most influential leaders and meet others who are passionate about similar causes.

Having always dreamed of writing for a university publication, I hope to draw upon my writing abilities and business background to write for Columbia Daily Spectator or the Columbia Economics Review. In addition, with my passion for social equity, especially in the LGBTQ community, I aspire to pursue my education in Columbia's open environment.

Last, at Columbia, the diversity of the Core Curriculum allows me to receive a strong liberal arts education paired with a focus in business. To balance the stressful academics, exciting traditions such as the 40s on 40s are always available to let loose. I want to attend a university that dreams as big as I do, and if my resume does not reflect that, let me show you in person.

For applicants to Columbia College, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Application Data section. If you are currently undecided, please write about any field or fields in which you may have an interest.

Ever since I could remember, I had a passion and intention to study business. I grew up surrounded by computer screens decorated with red and green numbers and jagged lines. Turns out, my dad was an avid stock trader, and I became a twelve year old who explained bonds and dividends to anyone who would listen.

When I enrolled into a business magnet school and began to take courses in marketing, finance, and entrepreneurship, the intricate workings of the global economy interested me and my love for business grew. SWOT analyses and equity statements felt pedestrian and writing business plans and participating in ventures became the norm.

In my freshman year, I joined DECA, a case-study based business competition, and my enthusiasm for business became a passion which now drives my career path. DECA helped me realize that business is not merely memorizing information but also being able to effectively communicate an idea. After travelling across Europe and Asia and emerging myself in the richness of culture and diversity, I developed a liking for global studies and decided to combine both my interests into a career in international business.

My upbringing, education, and DECA experience have all transformed my outlook on my future and my life. At Columbia College, I hope to specialize in business and through Columbia's diverse undergraduate curriculum and Study Abroad Programs, I am confident I will gain the skills and character necessary to lead a global company in the future.
mzontario   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Love for writing/ Gap year/ Journalism [9]

zdv
A socially awkward person; someone who does not always know how to open or carry a conversation

Weird use of a semi - colon.

I agree with Alice, the conclusion was a bit random

Also, how did you overcome your awkwardness. Give a few examples - you confidently made friends, etc. Be specific in the positive outcomes. : )

Other than that, great!

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