Posts by ceandrews95

ceandrews95

Jan 24, 2013

Undergraduate / George's Secret Key to the Universe; Aerospace Engineering and why UMich? [3]

Prompt: Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

In the summer of 2007, I came across George's Secret Key to the Universe, by Stephen and Lucy Hawking. I was 12 years old at the time and the book-with its cleverly outlined and detailed explanations of all things "out of this world"-introduced me to outer space and opened up a whole new world for me. My interest in universal matters gradually turned into an abiding passion, and I soon saw my ambition taking shape: to become an Aerospace Engineer! And in pursuit of this goal, I am applying for a place in the Aerospace Engineering course at the Michigan College of Engineering.

One of the main things that impressed me is the college's plasma-dynamics and electric propulsion laboratory. Opportunities to apply my physical and mathematical knowledge in science fairs or Olympiads are unavailable at my school and as a result, I have only been able to nourish my passion for outer space by reading the UK journal, New Scientist, and NASA's website. Through research on propulsion systems, I have been contemplating the idea of using explosively pumped flux compression generators (EPFCGs) in order to power propulsion systems. Such a system could reduce the consumption of solid or liquid fuel propellants by maximizing efficiency, and the PEPL lab would be a useful facility for me to develop and experiment with this idea.

After perusing the syllabus, I have also noticed that Michigan Engineering students spend most of their time in the labs, and the idea of having so much practical experience draws me towards the college. They say "Practice makes perfect," and the hands-on experience will not only help me fuel my enthusiasm for outer space, but it will also assist me in developing the practical skills needed to stand out as an engineer. Moreover, the Space Flight Mechanics component of the Aerospace course will, no doubt, help me build upon what I've learned, and with the Michigan Exploration Laboratory (MXL), I plan to apply the knowledge I shall gain from the program.

One other thing that attracted me to Michigan College of Engineering is the number of opportunities available to each undergraduate student. As I enjoy interacting with many different people and cultures, I know that Engineering will help me come in contact with like-minded people from different countries. If admitted, I plan to harbor this interaction applying for the summer research programs such as SURE and UROP. Since most of my time during many summer vacations is spent reading, the practical aspects of these programs present a valuable opportunity for me to spend my summer vacation time.

In summary, the Michigan College of Engineering has all the facilities and resources I need in order to help me accomplish my goal of advancing outer space exploration and it is the culmination of these qualities that make the University of Michigan my top choice.

------

Main concerns: - too specific?
- redundant?
- answering the prompt?

ceandrews95

Jan 24, 2013

Scholarship / "I wanted to be an explorer"- Optics&Photonics Scholarship [4]

This is a really well-written essay. You have clearly developed your reasons for pursuing optics and photonics and convinced me that you deserve this scholarship.

However, there are two errors in the essay.

not only I acquired Not only did I acquire

as I ~~got~~ increasingly involved ----- became is the proper word

Other than that, it's a really persuasive essay and I wish you good luck!

PS Please help me with my supplemental essays if you have time. Thank you

ceandrews95

Jan 24, 2013

Undergraduate / My role as a CONTRIBUTOR; UMich - My place within the community. [3]

Prompt: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

For 17 years, I have seen myself being branded as an 'NRI' (Non-Resident Indian) since my parents found employment and settled in Bahrain 4 years before I was born.

In the past, very few Indian families could migrate to foreign lands and make a living for themselves. However, this has changed in the past two decades, posing new challenges to the offspring also. As an NRI youth studying abroad, we have to apply the knowledge we have gained from a world-class education and contribute towards the progress of the world.

My place as a contributor has been fostered throughout my childhood through activities such as volunteering in the church youth group, the Duke of Edinburgh Award and the World Challenge 2011 Kerala community service trip.

In particular, the World Challenge trip to Kerala, India, opened my eyes to the fortune of the NRI community.

For the last week in a local village in Kochi, we had been busy constructing a new playground; refurbishing the school hall; and installing new tiles on the classroom floors. Furthermore, the team and I were exposed to a lack of basic resources such as sanitary toilets and computers. The smiles and laughter on the faces of the little schoolchildren at the end made the experience all the more rewarding and served as a reality check for all of us - reminding us to never take things for granted. In fact, all of us agreed that it was the most satisfied we had ever felt.

In summary, my main place is as a contributor but it is not the only place that defines me. Embarking on the Duke of Edinburgh Award Expedition put my leadership skills to the test and as a leader of tomorrow, my places are a contributor and concurrent leader.

(297 words)

Please let me know how I can reduce it and make it more cohesive. Looking for harsh feedback. Thanks in advance!

ceandrews95

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / George's Secret Key / "Aerospace Engineering goal"; PURDUE App [4]

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I have written another draft of my essay and was hoping if you could point out any areas that need improvement.

Ever since I lay my hands on George's Secret Key to the Universe, in 2007 as a 12-year-old, I have been fascinated by outer space and the secrets that it holds. The book with its cleverly outlined and detailed explanations of things "out of this world" opened up a new area of interest for me.

Interest gradually turned into an abiding passion and keeping abreast of the latest discoveries and developments in outer space research, I eventually started picturing my ambition take shape - aerospace engineering! My ultimate goal? To serve on the International Space Station (ISS)!

I realize it is a very lofty goal and I am also aware that becoming a qualified astronaut requires years of hard work and dedicated study. I've been enthralled by math and sciences throughout my high school years and this has not only helped me nurture my interest in aerospace but has also made me more adept in comprehending the more perplexing challenges of the field.

As a first step towards realizing my dream job, I am seeking admission to Purdue. If I gain a place at Purdue, I plan to use the computer programming science selective in combination with the other courses I am required to complete in the First Year Engineering Programme to maximal effect in order to improve my computational skills that will prove useful in aeronautical communication.

After reading a lot about aerospace, I have been considering the possibility of integrating explosively pumped flux compression generators into propulsion systems that could possibly maximize efficiency for future space expeditions, and Purdue's i2i Learning Laboratory will provide an ideal opportunity for me to explore and attempt to further develop this concept. Opportunities such as science fairs and Science Olympiads are unavailable in my school and as a result, I have only been able to feed my insatiable curiosity about outer space by reading science journal New Scientist and the NASA website. Currently, I am attempting The Universe in a Nutshell.

The hands-on experience an engineering undergraduate receives at Purdue's Engineering department is one of the many reasons why I feel that the rigor and depth of the course will help me distinguish myself in my chosen field of study.

Besides academics, my involvement in the Duke of Edinburgh Award programme has helped me understand the importance of teamwork and giving back to society. Since the programme involved going on expeditions, it has also instilled in me a sense of adventure as well as broadened my outlook on life.

Furthermore, embarking on the World Challenge 2012 community service trip to Kerala, India, opened my eyes to lack of proper facilities such as computers and lights for primary schools.

Through these experiences, I have learnt that contributing to the betterment of one's life is the most satisfying feeling ever and by studying Aerospace Engineering, I hope to contribute significantly to practical outer space research.

Moreover, the opportunity to interact with like-minded people from different countries is one of the factors that made me choose Engineering as a career and if admitted into Purdue, I plan to gain a broader perspective of the world around me by collaborating with the vast international community that thrives within the West Lafayette campus.

In summary, my school education, extra-curricular programmes and the one book that started it all have helped me develop my interests further and have, effectively, shaped my aspirations of being an aerospace engineer and more. Therefore, I strongly feel that the faculty and facilities in the Engineering department at Purdue will help me cultivate these ambitions.

ceandrews95

Dec 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Beginning to mature' - Comman App; The trip that changed me [5]

This is, without doubt, an interesting essay that keeps the reader hooked throughout.

I would, however, like to hear more about how the trip has changed you as a whole. (It would be helpful if you mentioned the prompt.)

Before, everything was about money, and revolved around the idea that it controlled every aspect of our lives If possible, could you give an experience about this idea that everyone in your family had?

I gained much more than humility and respect Build upon this, as well. I would recommend 2 paragraphs about your development

Good luck on your applications and please review my essays as well.

ceandrews95

Dec 19, 2012

Undergraduate / I have aspired to work in the field of aeronautics; Supplementary Essay. [3]

After ~~extensively researching, engineering~~ extensive research on engineering ~~as a career~~ and talking to a few engineers, I have ~~come to the conclusion~~ learned that it is fairly common for a mechanical engineer to work in aeronautics, as the skills learned and applied by both Aeronautical and Mechanical engineers are similar.

By studying and practicing ~~mechanical side of~~ mechanical engineering, I believe I will be able to apply my skills on a border range. As a future mechanical engineer I will have the potential to gain valuable experience from other industries, which will not only give me a different ~~prospective~~ perspective (or did you mean prospective?) on the challenges that the industry faces today but also enable me to think outside the box.

My career goal is to ~~one day~~ work in Research and Development for an industry leading company like Bombardier or Boeing Canada. In my opinion, the biggest challenge that an airlines and airplane manufacturers faces today is the rising cost of fuel. Airlines are constantly demanding more efficient engines or lighter airframes, that will help ~~them~~ cut the cost of their biggest expenditure - fuel.

As an engineer with a broad range of knowledge and experience, I hope to draw inspiration and incorporate ideas from different industries. ~~One example of this is~~ Furthermore, I aim to achieve and extensive understanding of materials science - in particular, composites. One such work that inspired me was the most advanced airplane built by Boeing, which is partly made up of carbon-fiber composite instead of aluminum, making it much lighter and fuel efficient.. It is this development of ingenuity and problem-solving that inspired me to pursue Engineering

There are many grammatical errors in this essay and too wordy. Try to be to-the-point. The 3rd paragraph describes what an Engineer does and if I was an admissions officer, I would like to know how these things attract and pertain to you, as a person. Like the prompt states: "Outline the reasons..."\

I am a student looking to pursue Aerospace as well and I wish you all the best in your applications!!! :D

ceandrews95

Dec 19, 2012

Undergraduate / I am not exactly sure about what I wish to study ; NYU supp/ Academic interests [3]

As I am ~~not exactly sure~~ unsure about what I wish to study later on, some people might translate that as not having any passions or interests.

Because so many things interest me, I have ~~never found it possible~~ found it impossible to be ~~able to only~~ pick only one or two ~~things I'm sure about wanting to study~~ fields of further study.

How ~~at such a young age am I supposed to come up with a response~~ does one expect me to reply to the question "What would you like to do later on?".

That is why I believe the College of Arts and Sciences would be the perfect fit for someone like me. Through this college, I would utilize the opportunity to experience what each major has to offer and then make an informed decision on my major.

These are just some suggestions. If you visited the campus, you should definitely mention that in the essay as it will justify why you think NYU is the best fit for you. Is there a word limit for this essay?

All the best with your applications!!!

ceandrews95

Dec 17, 2012

Undergraduate / Mr. Wong, my music teacher: Person who had a significant influence/Common App [4]

Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

You cannot judge a book by its cover. I never understood the full meaning of this saying until I met Mr. Howard Wong, my 9th grade music teacher. As he entered the classroom with a stern and serious look on his face, the whole class assumed that he was going to be a strict teacher, since he was also a professional baritone singer. However, all our fears vanished once he introduced himself - every student was soon at ease as he started the first lesson with gusto and humor. Sentimental as I was at the time, I missed Mr. Alistair Auld, the music teacher before Mr. Wong. I had grown fond of Mr. Auld, who had come with an impressive pedigree, having played professionally and conducted choirs all over England and Bahrain. After quitting teaching in school, Mr. Auld opened up a music institute and I was one of the first students to join and learn the piano. Eager to complete the final grade of the ABRSM piano exams before I graduated, I registered at his institute. Mr. Wong, however, had his own reservations and constantly urged me to learn piano at the school. Alas, my blind faith forced me to ignore his advice and despite two years at the music institute, I was not quite ready to record for my GCSE Music qualification.

However, he did not lose faith, instead found and honed the untapped potential in me. Every morning, before classes began, he devoted his free time to instruct me. He was quick to detect and point out discrepancies in my piano playing, and I regretted throwing a deaf ear to his earlier advice. Nonetheless, he instilled confidence in and guided me so well that I managed to perform to the best of my abilities and excel in the final exam.

Learning under him also taught me a valuable lesson: make the most of every opportunity that you get. I realize that there are millions of young children for whom education is an alien thing but it is only through education that a country's progress and development be measured.

Furthermore, Mr. Wong often used to say," You cannot fatten a pig by constantly weighing it." In times of stress, this is the one saying that always returns. It is the balm that cools the turmoil in my mind during exams. It reminds me that a student's value cannot be measured by a GPA or class rank; in fact, it is the total of what s/he learns from everything around her/him. In retrospect, the impact Mr. Wong had on me for the short two years has been a completely positive one and has helped me mature into an adult learner. Prior to meeting him, I would always try to learn things at an accelerated pace without focusing on the basics, but under his tutelage, I have learned to take things slowly and steadily and I am confident that these skills will stand me in good stead in college.

1) Is the conclusion too weak?? I always have trouble with conclusions.

Looking for harsh feedback. Thanks in advance

ceandrews95

Dec 17, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Don't panic. You can do this.' I said to myself ; Common App [4]

The imagery used in your essay is outstanding and it really kept me interested throughout the whole essay.
However,

- Completing a spin and gliding out felt like I had transformed into a superhero ready to save the world. Figure skating was different from the other sports I had played previously

Completing a spin and gliding out made me feel like a superhero ready to save the world

Furthermore, what are the other sports that you played previously?
What is the prompt?

There's really not much fault with this essay. It's as close to perfect, in my opinion. Good luck with your applications!!! :)

ceandrews95

Dec 17, 2012

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay on Evaluation of an Experience Creating an MMORPG [3]

Hi there. I like the oxymoron used at the beginning
- my most successful failure. It really hooked me and compelled me to read more.

- However, there are too many I's in the essay, it is too wordy and you need to communicate your idea more explicitly.

- Unfortunately, this popularity did not last and as Scandux Online was nearing its death, another programmer bought the game. He was, however, not able to keep Scandux going.

For example, I would write Despite being bought by another programmer, Scandux Online's popularity did not last and met a quick death
- Suddenly, exactly when Scandux was at its peak popularity, some of my administrators began flaming Scandux for its glitches, inconsistent graphics, and lag

At the peak of its popularity, Scandux was suddenly bombarded with critiques on its inconsistent graphics, glitches and lag.

In my opinion, there's too much description on Scandux's popularity and not enough analysis on the influence on the experience. What did you do after the failure?

Good luck with your applications!!

ceandrews95

Dec 14, 2012

Undergraduate / George's Secret Key / "Aerospace Engineering goal"; PURDUE App [4]

Prompt: Describe how you will use your Purdue education to achieve your personal and professional goals.

It was by pure chance that I stumbled upon the children's book George's Secret Key to the Universe at my local bookstore in 2007. With my godfather beckoning me to "get a move on", I picked it up in a rush and proceeded to the cashier, not knowing that it would open a new door later on. The cleverly outlined and detailed explanations that introduced outer space to children opened a new area for me to invest my free time in. Interest turned into passion and five years later, I decided to become an Aerospace Engineer so I can serve aboard the International Space Station (ISS).

By taking up Further Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry at the British A-Level, I have been able to nourish my passion for outer space. Additionally, I constantly pursue my interest in physics by reading The Universe in a Nutshell and science journal, New Scientist, in order to set a strong foundation for Astronautical Engineering.

While I acknowledge that becoming a qualified astronaut is an extremely complex professional goal, I also understand that the steps I must take to achieve it are many, and being admitted into Purdue is just the first step.

If I get admitted into Purdue, I plan to use the computer programming science selective-in combination with the other courses I am required to complete in the First-Year Engineering Programme-to maximal effect in order to improve my computational skills that will prove useful in aeronautical communication aboard the ISS.

Through reading and research, I have developed an idea of integrating explosively pumped flux compression generators into propusion systems that will maximise efficiency for space expeditions, and Purdue's i2i Learning Laboratory promises a great opportunity for me to explore-and attempt to develop this idea. The hands-on experience an engineering undergraduate receives at Purdue's Engineering department offers is one of the many reasons why Purdue's Aerospace programme is ranked fourth in the USA and I feel that the rigor and depth of the course will help me stand out when I graduate.

Furthermore, by collaborating with the vast international community that thrives within the West Lafayette campus, I aim to share and develop new ideas with many like-minded students and get a broader perspective on the world around me.

1) Any suggestions for a good conclusion? A bit stuck here.

Thanks in advance.