Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by collegemaster
Joined: Dec 15, 2012
Last Post: Dec 26, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 5  
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From: USA

Displayed posts: 7
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collegemaster   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Explore,Indulge, Learn; Boston U; "Why BU" [3]

Thanks for looking at my Stanford essay on dreams!

At Boston University, I would have just that, an opportunity: to explore, to

Maybe this "At Boston University, I would have just that: an opportunity to explore, to..." I don't really know if that improves it, but it's just my suggestion.

"to surround myself." Actually, I'm not totally convinced that having fragmenta is such a good idea. If you feel strongly about it, by all means keep it the same. If you'd like to make it a full sentence, try "I would have the privileged ability to indulge, to understand and to surround myself."

Ditto for the other sentences. I might suggest completing/changing one of the "To" sentences, because you have 4 in total which is kind of pushing it.

school more artistically inclined

Move "school" to the end of the phrase.

an atmosphere that is tailored to my interests

" Maybe?

dedication to well ranked success

Overall, nice job! I liked your essay and I think BU would be a great fit! Good luck!
collegemaster   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / I love to dream/ to visualize, conceive & to create; Stanford App/ What matters&Why? [3]

So I have this Stanford essay, and I feel like it's too mundane or there's nothing special about it. Does it answer the question well? What can I do to make it unique/stand out? General suggestions are also appreciated!

What matters to you, and why? (at least 250 words, 2000 char max)

Late nights are something I've become all too familiar with these past few years. The trials of high school have taken their toll on me, but on those sweet, invaluable nights where my responsibilities are taken care of, I can enjoy a full night of sleep. And what does that enable me to do? Dream. I love to dream. The opportunity to escape reality, if for a few hours, is the chance to imagine without boundaries. It is during my dreams that I picture results without being bothered by constraints. Only in my dreams am I able to visualize, to conceive, and to create in an environment that concerns itself with innovation rather than restricting me to the mundane. "A Whole New World," as Princess Jasmine would say. Dreams, however imaginary, have had a solid impact on my real life. While my team was brainstorming for the Inventeams Competition, I had a dream I was blind, but I could tell my mom was angry at me by the tone of her voice. After much reflection and revision, this idea evolved into our grant-winning design for a bracelet that would convey a person's mood to an autistic child during conversation. My dreams are a major part of who I am. I frequently find myself in the same classroom, the same laboratory, the same home as others, but because I can imagine my own future, because I want to reach farther and higher, my ambitions are part of my individuality. But not all dreams are good. Nightmares paint for me a dark hyper-reality, a manifestation of my worst fears come true. Suddenly I'm all alone in the middle of nowhere surrounded by a slithering set of snakes, scared for my life. But when I wake up in the morning, my normal routine restored, I appreciate life so much more. That's why I love to dream: it shows me a whole new world, but it can also make me feel like the one I live in is just right.

Thank you!
collegemaster   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / I have always felt a vocation towards business; NYU SUP/ Academic Interests [6]

Business.

A bit abrupt. Your second sentence is a good start.

I have always felt a vocation towards business. It has interested me both as a study and a lifestyle.

Maybe try a semicolon instead of a period seperating these two clauses.

I also hope to create a NPO.

This seems really random. If you can tie this to something else in your essay, that would make it better.

I firmly believe that admission into the Stern School of Business is the first milestone in achieving my goals.

I wouldn't say admission to the school is part of your life dream. Rather something like "Attending the Stern School of Business would be a strong step toward my goal of ______"

drastically satisfy my eager search for knowledge

Try "quench my thirst for knowledge" instead? Drastically seems like an extreme word.

place me one step closer to achieving my dreams

"Bring me one step closer to realizing my dreams."

I have been to 31 countries

...so? If you've been to that many countries, wouldn't your horizons already be wide?

core of the universe

what. NYC is known as the capital of the world, so you could use that.
There is no need to follow my advice if you do not think it makes the essay better. Just do what you think works best!

Good luck with NYU!
collegemaster   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Checkmate!, Online Chess; MIT App; Pleasure activity? [4]

it teaches you to anticipate the consequences of your decisions

I'd change all of the "you" to "me," because in the end, the essay is about you.

He made his move,

No need for a comma at the end.

sitting in my desktop

Sitting in your desktop? Maybe "on" is a bit better.

sweat,

No comma needed here either.

duquevan

falling in the depths of my chest, I knew that this was my chance.

Not really sure what the depths of your chest are. Make this a bit clear. I would add an "and" after the comma.

solitary lady,

Sorry if I'm an idiot - this is your queen right? Because you don't reveal chess until later, this might be a bit confusing. You don't have to change it though; I was just curious. However, I would take out the comma.

But I liked it! I liked how you kept it a mystery until the "Checkmate!"
collegemaster   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / My mom taught me how to meditate a few years ago; MIT App [8]

So you guys think it's fine the way it is? I'm really glad to hear that.

Any other feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for helping a high school kid with a dream!!
collegemaster   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / My mom taught me how to meditate a few years ago; MIT App [8]

Hi EF!
I have this essay for MIT, but to me it sounds kind of lame. Any ideas on how I can make it not so boring? I'm also welcoming any suggestions on intro/conclusion, so that my essay stands out a bit more.

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)

I attend the <name of school not shown for privacy>, where students can frequently be found sleeping in the halls during lunch time or slightly hyperventilating over a test they have next period. Attending a pressure cooker high school has only heightened the need for some way to mitigate the anxiety of our daily lives, and I take pride that I am able to maintain a low stress level. My mom taught me how to meditate a few years ago, and this skill has greatly increased my ability to alleviate stress. Before starting the mountain of homework I have every night, I sit on the carpet, legs crossed, back straight, and follow my breath down into my lungs and back out of my mouth. At the starting line of a crew regatta, I close my eyes and take three deep breaths, and by spreading this practice to the rest of my boat, we have become much looser and comfortable in a situation of high stress. This, in fact, contributed to our 2nd place at the state championships last year. But even in general, I am thankful that I can push all thoughts out of my head and just relax, if only for a moment.
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