Posts by acostandy

acostandy

Jan 26, 2014

Undergraduate / USC Supplement Essays for a hopeful computer science and business administration major [13]

Thank you acostandy! Your feedback is awesome, just what I was looking for. I really appreciate your insight.

No problem! I really wish you the best of luck!

acostandy

Jan 21, 2014

Writing Feedback / Human is a complicated creature; Classifying people [3]

Classifying people is not easy. Human's are~~is a~~ complicated creature's~~that~~which makes classifying people difficult. There are many theories to classify people, but I like one of the old theories in Romance of the Three Kingdoms (Is this a book, movie, something else? If so, look up how to properly edit it online. Like if it needs to be underlined, italicized, etc.) . ~~It classify people~~It classifies people by their cleverness and diligence in to four classes,: the people who are clever and diligent, the people who are clever and lazy, the people who are stupid and lazy, and the people who are stupid and diligent.

First, there are people who are clever and diligent. They are the best. They are the most effective people because they are clever and diligent.This is repetitive If they work, their works are always perfect. They are appropriate to promote and be a leader. They can be a leader increasingly. (Not sure what you are trying to say here but maybe "They can increasingly become leaders"??

Second, there are people who are clever and lazy. They have a good point in their cleverness. They are effective people, but not too much like the first class. The people in this class suit to be ~~a thinker~~thinkers . They are appropriate to plan the work, not start to do the work. If you order them to conspire a plan, the plan will be good. Conversely, the work will be not good and delayed if you order them to do (start?) the work.

Third, there are people who are stupid (too harsh of a word?) and lazy. They have no idea and no diligence. They seem useless, but they have advantage. ~~They suit to follow order and expend energy~~They are well suited for following orders and expending energy , but you have to keep your eyes on them. You cannot leave them think and do the work by themselves.

Fourth, there are people who are stupid and diligent. They are the most dangerous people. They are trouble maker because of their stupidity and diligence. ~~They do not suit for any works.~~They are not fit for any work. They will make disorder to other people or the institute if they start the work. Their diligence will make disorder because they do not consider before they do.

Although people are difficult to classify because of their complication and variety that make many ways to classify people. However, we can classify people from cleverness and diligence. Most business men like to use this theory to classify their subordinates and it comes true.

I like that your essay is centered around this theory! To begin with, I think you should expand and vary your vocabulary. Substitute lazy for lethargic or slow, stupid for simpleminded, diligent for persistent or relentless. Another thing is to vary your syntax and sentence lengths. When you expand on the four classifications, each sentence is the same structure, leaving it slightly boring. You could easily make it more interesting by changing the structure, combining short and long sentences. Also, try to make those sentences less cookie cutter. They follow the same pattern (They are A. They are B. They do not suit C. They are fit for D. etc.) Try to elaborate more on your conclusion.

Best of luck and hope I helped!

acostandy

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Jillian. Jillybear. Jillybean.; Texas A&M/ Person - influence [5]

Thanks! That was my biggest concern so far. I'm not really sure how to keep on talking about her impact on me without saying the same thing over and over again.

acostandy

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / I learned this art form which they called "Quilling"/ NYU;What intrigues you? [7]

I really like the intro! I think that you should maybe explain the significance just to get all parts of the question in.

I have to say, it was the most fun thing I have ever done.

Maybe try to make this more descriptive. Try a different word instead of fun.

I like to experience things first hand, and as soon as I saw it, I started experimenting with what I saw, using none of the required tools .

All I had to do was take long stripes of paper, roll it making the core as tight as possible and the outside very loose then give it different shapes to make something new out of it.

Try describing it differently. It seems kind of awkward (no offense, just the way it sounds).

, which I was the president of,

Don't add this. They should see it on your application and you don't want them to think you are trying to brag (even if you aren't).

The only other comment I have is that the ending seems so abrupt. I understand you are on a character limit, but still try to make the essay flow and sound complete. I personally really liked it and have never heard of quilling so this is definitely interesting.

Good luck!!

acostandy

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Jillian. Jillybear. Jillybean.; Texas A&M/ Person - influence [5]

This essay is for Texas A&M. I wrote about my niece Jillian. I would really appreciate it if i could get some help on my essay (don't be afraid to point out every error). I don't want to make it sound too cheesy. Thanks!

The question asks (no word limit):
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Jillian. Jillybear. Jillybean. Her infectious smile reaches from ear to ear. Soft, curly locks of her hair are matted to her head, as she has just woken up. It's only nine in the morning and she is already asking for milk and fruit snacks. She asks for her purple hair bow to match her purple onesie. I begged for a hug and her tiny arms reached around my shoulders while she said "Yes, Andy". This special little girl, who is not even two, is my niece Jillian. Less than two feet tall and she has already had a great impact on my life, teaching me things that no adult could.

I remember when I would be holding her and she would just throw herself backwards, knowing that someone was there to make sure she did not fall. Her head would be hanging back and she would laugh; we all would. The way she would go up to our dog, with no fear on her face, made me envy the courageousness this little girl had. No chair was too tall to be climbed, no body of water was too deep to go into, and no fall was large enough to stop her. Seeing her act so carefree and taking risks, despite the fact that she was only a couple of months old, influenced me in my own life. If a small child had the ability to take these risks, then I could have the ability to take risks too. Before Jillian, I was cautious, picking and choosing which risks were worth taking. Since she has been in my life, every risk is worth taking.

The summer we took our family vacation to Aruba, Jillian had grown a personality, started walking, and could not stop talking. We were walking down a strip of restaurants when we could faintly hear music. Jillian paused, taking in the local and unique music. Suddenly, she started dancing; when I mean dancing, I mean full on, knee-popping dancing. People on the sides of the walkway stopped, people in restaurants gazed from behind the glass, and my family was taken over by a fit of giggles. She waved as people walked by, saying hello and blowing kisses to everyone. She captured the hearts of everyone nearby. I admired her bravery and enthusiasm, wishing I had at least half of her confidence. In that sole moment, I realized that I needed to let loose. I wanted to join Jillian and enjoy every moment of life. Ever since, I started to care less about who is watching and started caring about enjoying myself instead.

The amount of knowledge that children are able to teach is truly amazing: love, sympathy, eagerness, and so much more. Jillian has taught me innumerable life lessons in the short two years of her life. Through her actions, I learn new lessons, applying them to myself and hoping to become a better person. Jillian may never know how much she has changed me as a person, but because she has, I am so grateful that I have her in my life. I know that as she gets older, she will teach me new things, new lessons in life that are worth learning about.

acostandy

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Do not eat meat, dairy, or by-products ;University of Delaware - Truth or Dare Essay [4]

No problem! And thanks for reading mine too!

acostandy

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Visual art and in business/ The cicada ; NYU App/ Program? What intrigues you? [8]

This is a really good and well thought out essay! There are some very minor problems that I can see. Other than that, it is really different and well written.

I'm grateful to have received this foundation education, but in successfully solving a math problem that already has an answer, I am not truly contributing to society.

In high school, I have(I would get rid of this) created many entrepreneurial projects that integrated my artistic interests with my business approach.

I hope that through my four years at the Gallatin S chool of Individualized Study

acostandy

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / 'What Tuned Me In' -Common App-Personal Essay [3]

Your essay is great! The idea behind it is really strong and well articulated. There are some things that you could do to make it flow a little better. Other than that, it is a really good essay!

This is where it began. My love for singing.

This is where my love for singing began.(sounds choppy leaving it like that. Or maybe putting a semicolon to allow it to flow better)

Little did I know that chorus would become so much more important to me(I would get rid of this because it is implied) than a trip to just anywhere

Because I learned that doing what you love is most important.

Avoid using because to start a sentence. Maybe start off with a transition like "As a result,"

More confidence built in each hour long concert that I was on the stage for. In a matter of years of being in chorus I changed. From a shy girl to a confident singer.

It is a little wordy and choppy. I like the idea that you transitioned into a more confident singer, but try to make the essay flow.

Chorus may have stopped for me(I would get rid of this) , but my voice will forever hum on

La, la, la.

I love this!!

Good luck with the rest of your essays!

acostandy

Dec 30, 2012

Undergraduate / Do not eat meat, dairy, or by-products ;University of Delaware - Truth or Dare Essay [4]

Hi! My application is due on Jan 15th and I was hoping someone could critique my writing! There is no word limit and I don't want my essay to be to wordy or boring. I appreciate any criticism!

PROMPT:
b. Truth or- Dare. Have you ever accepted a dare from another individual? What was it? Regardless of the outcome, how did you feel after? Do tell.

Do not eat meat, dairy, or by-products for an entire year. Sounds simple, right? Well you are wrong. It could easily be one of the most difficult and disciplined things I have ever done, and as the stubborn person that I am, I could not possible back down from it. I had been recently thinking about going vegan, meaning that I cannot eat eggs, meats, or any other food with animal ingredients in it. Once I brought up the idea of actually going through with it, my brother had thought of making it a dare instead. As an added incentive, if I held a vegan diet for an entire year without cheating, my brother would give me $200; if I fell through, I would have to buy him a new, and expensive, mouse for his computer. My mom and I researched the vegan diet and bought all the food and supplements that I would need to stay healthy. The hardest part of starting was getting rid of all the food I could no longer eat. Telling people was a close second. I dreaded having to explain to everyone why I was going vegan and having to hear their questions; "Why?", "How?", and "You are crazy" are the most common responses I got. Eating at other people's houses and restaurants suddenly became a large headache. I tried new things like tofu, mock meats, and edamame. While some tasted better than others, I always tried new things and expanded my palate. In the same time it took to get easier, things suddenly took a turn and got way harder than before. As much as I complained and whined, I really enjoyed the process and learned some new things along the way. I saw how my actions affected my family, friends, and myself. I learned to appreciate things that I had once overlooked. For four months and 7 days, I was officially a vegan. While I didn't complete the dare, I feel like I still came out a winner; trying to adapt to a new diet and maintain a crazy schedule is no easy feat. Plus, I still have not bought that mouse for my brother.