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Posts by sakura741
Joined: Dec 30, 2012
Last Post: Dec 30, 2012
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Posts: 7  
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From: Canada

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sakura741   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Voluntary Teaching; Princeton University/Summer [4]

further polish the diamond I had crafted over ten years of piano

I think you should specify that the 'diamond' is your piano skills.

community college for extra, high school credit.

'for an extra credit' should be fine.

With my desires towards academics immortal and tireless

This sentence is a little awkward, you could reword it?

Take out the 'myself', we know it is.

Wow, this essay is really good! I've learned a lot about your passions and goals through what you did during the summer! I see no need for any real changes.
sakura741   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / passion for business, international diplomacy/Penn(Wharton) Sup; Engage academically? [8]

While some may be quick to criticize their laissez-faire attitude,

I'd prefer 'this laissez-faire attitude'.

I saw paper frivolously wasted

Perhaps 'wasted frivolously'?

Wow, this essay is really good! The above comments are merely my personal preferences, I see no real need to change anything. Good luck, and if you have time, please look at mine was well!
sakura741   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Jillian. Jillybear. Jillybean.; Texas A&M/ Person - influence [5]

I really like this essay! You can really see the impact of Jillian and you describe her well. However, I do think perhaps you need to include more on YOU and how she impacted YOU instead of so much on Jillian (though she seems so cute!).
sakura741   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / How France Made Me Change Schools/ Common App [7]

As most people are allowed in their life the time had come for my fathers "Honey I shrunk the kids" moment. Sorry, the beginning of your sentence confused me? Maybe reword it to be more clear.

I really like this essay! I think you show your apprehension and growth and your ability to listen to others. Perhaps add in more about why you decided to attend K12 and not because your parents convinced you?
sakura741   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Teen Court; Common App Extracurricular [13]

Perhaps take out the 'for me'? We know that this response is personal. Overall, I think this is a really good response! It shows your passion for teen court well.
sakura741   
Dec 30, 2012
Scholarship / I was a very curious child; My goals/ Scholarship [7]

Maybe you should talk about how living in the UK has opened your mind instead of just telling us that? Also you said you lived in the UK, but then you said you graduated from one of the top high schools in Libya, perhaps explain this? Overall I think your essay is very promising!