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Posts by ethannov
Joined: Dec 31, 2012
Last Post: Jan 7, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 12  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 14
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ethannov   
Jan 7, 2013
Essays / Beginning an Essay on Capital Punishment [7]

Bloodsworth was found guilty due to 5 eyewitness testimonies and was sentenced to death.

You could do: The courts (Specific court?) found Bloodsworth guilty due to five eyewitness testimonies, and sentenced him to death.

These mistakes are caused by the an attempt to speed up the conviction process, due to the costs involved in continuing the case.

Otherwise sounds pretty good!
ethannov   
Jan 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Villanova Supplement: What Lesson Would You Teach? [2]

Hey guys,

Here's a fairly rough draft of my supplement for Villanova. The question and essay are below. Any advice or comments is greatly appreciated. Thanks! I really appreciate it!

***The "-------" are locations I took out for privacy reasons.

One of the principles of Villanova, as an Augustinian university founded on the teachings of St. Augustine, is that students and faculty learn from each other. As you imagine yourself as a member of the Villanova community, what is one lesson that you have learned in your life that you will want to share with others?

"Justice begins with Awareness." True to this mantra, (my high school), through the incredible immersion program, spreads students across the continent to learn about and aid those in need. Students put into action the ethical values and the concepts of justice they learn in class, helping the handicapped of Tacoma, immigrants of Nogales, and the homeless of ----------.

After an extensive application, interviews, and community service requirements, I was admitted to the immersion program. Trip Discovery Night arrived as I pondered where I would be traveling for the following summer. Admittedly, I was nervous about traveling outside of the United States; therefore, I wanted the New Orleans Trip. Anxiously waiting for the announcement, I questioned myself about the possible experiences. Would I be able to sleep in just a sleeping bag in a -------- People's Park? What if I stayed in ---------, and served homeless at the St. ----------s Dining Hall? Finally, we split into smaller groups to learn which trip we would attend. The first clue, pupusas, gave it away: I would be traveling to El Salvador.

I had several meetings with my small group and moderators to learn more about the trip. Slowly, I eased into the idea of leaving America. Then, I needed to determine the activities of the trip. With all of the others, I had some idea. ---------- worked with the homeless, and Nogales dealt with Illegal immigration, but what about El Salvador?

I never completely understood the purpose until the end of the first week of the trip. We listened to countless presentations from different organizations established after the Salvadoran Civil War, toured several churches, and visited schools. After all these activities, I still did not understand why I came. My group did not build houses, or feed the homeless. We just listened.

After traveling to my homestay in Guarjila, I swung in a Hammock listening to my host mother's stories of the Civil War. She described the helicopter spotlights, mortars, and total chaos. Then, it dawned on me. The El Salvador Trip is not a service trip, but the truest form of Immersion. My classmates and I did not come to physically help people, but to learn about their struggles and challenge ourselves to understand the different culture.

If I could teach one lesson that I have learned, I would share the importance of immersing oneself in a new culture, and challenging oneself by pushing personal boundaries. From my experiences in El Salvador, I realized it is foolish to ruminate in one's familiarities. In order to grow and understand, I must venture "out." It can be outside my country, or just outside of my comfort zone. In both instances, I gain an awareness about myself and the world to push myself toward a life of justice.
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Central American immigrants and American Dream - Columbia Supp. 2 [7]

I would change that last sentence. Ending the essay with that sounds a little like "IF you guys ACTUALLY let me in."
I don't think that's what you were actually trying to say, just how it came across.

Just my opinion, don't change it if you think it works.
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / 'quiet girl'/"The Power of Introverts''; Brown/ perspective/ being an introver [3]

Sounds really good.

Only thing I would consider revising:

She crinkled her nose and squinted her eyes in confusion, as if being quiet were some odd, repulsive quality. I was not sure how to answer. Truthfully, I had not realized until that moment that there was anything unusual about preferring to watch and listen.
Perhaps the student was only curious, but from then on the endless queries of "Why don't you say anything?" and frank statements that "Erica is so shy"

You could either cut that last part out:

She crinkled her nose and squinted her eyes in confusion, as if being quiet were some odd, repulsive quality. I was not sure how to answer. Truthfully, I had not realized until that moment that there was anything unusual about preferring to watch and listen.

Perhaps the student was only curious, but from then on the endless queries of "Why don't you say anything?" and frank statements that "Erica is so shy

or

She crinkled her nose and squinted her eyes in confusion, as if being quiet were some odd, repulsive quality. Until that moment, I never thought it was unusual to just watch and listen.

Just a suggestion!

If you could look at my UVA (take 2) it would be appreciated!
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Family convinced me my limits; Tufts Sup, How did your environment influence you [5]

Even though it was such a terrifying task in the moment, I now hold confidence and look forward to speaking with those I have just met, as well as in public.

The transition here is just a little confusing. You may want to add a sentence in their to bridge the two ideas. The way it is now sounds like at that moment in the store you became a great speaker.

If you could take a look at my UVA supplement (take 2) that'd be appreciated
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / 'At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible' - The Alchemist [4]

After reading this book, I recognized the importance that obstacles play in achieving goals. Those obstacles help us realize how much we want to succeed rather than how difficult it would be to

you go from I to us.

I am uncertain of how much I can achieve , but I am determined to follow my personal legend.

Whatever the challenges may be, I am determined to follow (or form?) my personal legend.
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Subject combination/ professors/Swimming coach ; Why Rochester?/Meliora experience [4]

I am drawn to Rochester because this school offers what no other school does. My love for music, math, and science has made me try to find ways to somehow combine them in my career. Amidst my research I came across an article in which students and professors at Rochester developed a computer program that allowed a computer to 'learn' an instrument.

Your first paragraph does fine without that sentence because you state it at the bottom. In my opinion, starting with your passion makes the intro a little stronger.

My love for music, math, and science has made compels me find a college that can transform my passions into a career.

Again just my opinion.

If you could take a look at my UVA supplement (take two) it would be greatly appreciated!
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Lego Blocks; PRINCETON ENGINEERING [5]

From building those Lego blocks to create a building or a ship as a 4 year old kid to disassembling my gaming console to the very last piece of hardware and assembling it back to the way it was to fix it countless times, by using things like a hairdryer for a heat gun etc., I have engineered.

Edited:

From building Lego towers or ships, disassembling my gaming console, or using things like a hairdryer for a heat gun etc., I have engineered.

I think that gets the point across better.

I think I would change the hairdryer part though, I see what you were getting at, but it's a little confusing because it doesn't follow your previous examples.
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / "The Last Great Record Store" ; U Virginia Sup: Favorite Place to Get Lost [7]

My Hometown; University of Virginia; Favorite Place To Get Lost

Hey guys, my second attempt at posting this same supplement on here. Let me know anything I could do better or any other recommendations. Thanks!

Question: Describe your favorite place to get lost:

The cracked hazel-mud ground fissures beneath my feet. Waves of weeds succumb to the wind to sway back and forth. Rotting logs crack and splinter as blue-bellied lizards scuffle underneath. Staring back at me, dairy cows bask in the shade of a large oak tree. Then, I find my depilated fort, where heroic battles of stick fights took place years ago. I continue, and find the creek teaming with green tree frogs. They jump from rock to rock, but this time I didn't bring a jar. After an uphill grade and several minutes, I arrive at "my favorite tree," and lower my homemade rope swing from the branches above. Swinging back and forth, I stare out at (my hometown). A bowl, surround by hills on all sides, with an opening toward San Francisco. Even though I've seen this view hundreds of times, it still amazes me. My hometown, my beginning, but now: my past.
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / "Step Up 3D" / "Human Behavior" / "Harry Potter" - NYU Supplements [16]

I think it sounds pretty good. The only thing you have to realize is that NYU is not the only college in New York City. They ask why that campus. Maybe you could add something a little bit more specific about NYU campus instead of just the city?
ethannov   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Knitting; Common App / extracurricular & work experience [4]

I think it does explain a good amount about yourself. You could slice:

Just like in life, knitting requires the determination and perseverance to sit and knit for tens of thousands of stitches without losing sight of your goal. Although knitting isn't typically a male activity, knitting has helped me develop as a person and discover aspects about myself that I never realized. I have found spiritual solace within the twists of yarn in times of despair and a propensity to appreciate the skill, determination, and ingenuity required to create objects I took for granted.

Just like in life, knitting requires the determination and perseverance to sit and knit for tens of thousands of stitches without losing sight of your goal. I have found spiritual solace within the twists of yarn in times of despair and a propensity to appreciate the skill, determination, and ingenuity required to create objects I took for granted.

I think it flows fine without it, and you're showing more than telling.
ethannov   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / "The Last Great Record Store" ; U Virginia Sup: Favorite Place to Get Lost [7]

Any recommendations will be a great help!

Question: "Discuss your favorite place to get lost."

Piles of rainbow colors abound as I sift through unknown artists. The odor of cardboard and vinyl hang in the open basement air. Bordered by a mosaic of records from The Beatles to 50 Cent, I explore the thousands of tattered and abandoned vinyls. After some searching, I find one of my favorites, Marty Robbins. A tear disfigures the bottom, and masking tape fortifies the right side of the thin paper cover. Thrilled, I add the record to my growing stack.

Similar to a library, Rasputin Music: "The Last Great Record Store," houses the archives of history through its vast collection of both new and secondhand records. I make the journey from (my home town) to Berkeley to take part in the tradition uncommon to my generation. There, I have the opportunity to discover gunfighter ballads or swing anthems unknown to most of my peers. Today, society strives to simplify, streamline, and compact all aspects of life. Shopping for records allows me to break from that complexity of simplification and bask in the classic and conventional ways of the past.

While shopping for Frank Sinatra, Glenn Miller, or Mary Robbins, I not only lose myself among the multitudes of vinyl records, but also in the rituals and ideas of past generations.

Thanks again!
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