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Posts by JangGemini
Name: Jen T
Joined: Jan 15, 2013		 Last Post: Aug 1, 2017
Threads: 8
Posts: 51  
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From: Viet Nam

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JangGemini   
Aug 1, 2017
Undergraduate / How to call out my identity? Common Application prompt 1 - Personal Statement [6]

@Hiddengrace

Katheryn, thank you so much for your suggestion! That's so helpful. I will try to think about it and look for ways to improve. I will come back to the post in a month with a rewritten essay and hopefully, I can still get your feedback then :) Thank you again. Your response really boosted my morale :) What was your major? What field are you working in right now?

@Holt
Mary, thank you so much for suggesting a different prompt. Yes, I could see how my essay would fit in that prompt better. Is there anything else in my essay besides choosing a more suitable prompt that you think I can improve on? I'm applying for liberal arts colleges and thinking about Education major. But I'm still looking at other major options as well.
JangGemini   
Jul 30, 2017
Undergraduate / How to call out my identity? Common Application prompt 1 - Personal Statement [6]

Hello Katheryn,

Thank you for your comment. It's very helpful, though a little discouraging for me. How did you draw the conclusion that this is something I have only thought about now? I want to know how I left that impression so I could fix it.

My goal in this essay is to show that my identity can impact the world positively and I will still be able to make an enjoyable career and a living out of it as my father and most people want to. I should not have written that I just quit because I still continue to practice and use the skills I learned from most of my interests. It's just that I have an open mind to explore other abilities of mine and ready to take on various roles to meet others' needs (e.g how I used my skills in teaching English). Will I achieve my goal if I cut down the part describing how I jump from one interest to another and talk more about how I have integrated my skills to adapt and learn more rapidly? No particular interest impacted me profoundly but the experience of exploring my abilities and seeing how some other multipotentialites turned out gave me a sense of values and worth. One thing I would like to add to my essay is that I wish to inspire others who have the same identity to not feel guilty about their many interests and to start realizing their values in this world.

I still want to go with this essay because it does mean a lot to me to embrace my multipotentiality and prove that it can prevail instead of conforming to the specialist celebration culture. I will try to fix it in a way that it can leave the impression I want on the readers. I'd appreciate if you could ask some particular questions for me to really dig in and achieve my goal in this essay.

Thank you for your honest comment. I look forward to a positive response from you :)
JangGemini   
Jul 29, 2017
Undergraduate / How to call out my identity? Common Application prompt 1 - Personal Statement [6]

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. (word limit: 650)

my multipotentialite capability



I have always wanted to answer that question but did not know how to call out my identity.

When I was four, I became interested in music so my parents scraped together enough money to buy me a keyboard which was probably the most expensive thing in my house at the time. I dived in, became all consumed in learning, and felt really pleasant after completing a piece of music without mistakes. Until one day, playing music turned into an obligation rather than a hobby for me. I tried to persist because my parents had paid so much money on the keyboard and music lessons that I felt guilty to just quit. But my uneasy feeling gradually turned into hatred and I left the keyboard untouched.

At the age of 7, I was captured by beautiful colors and shapes. The utter bliss of portraying everything I saw on the paper with strokes of paints and getting plentiful compliments for my artwork assured me "Yes, this is it. I will grow up to be an artist!". I was wrong. As I joined a martial arts club, the joy of expressing myself through the art of poomsae and winning medals in several competitions almost made me want to turn Taekwondo into a professional pursuit. However, I could not stop wondering what else I was capable of. Photography, cooking, filmmaking, guitar,...I would dive in, become all consumed, quit, and begin learning all over again out of sheer curiosity and pleasure for mastering new skills.

The question "What do you want to be?" made me really anxious. I would rush through all the options but could not make up my mind. Why can I only pick to be one thing? What if all I wanted is just to keep starting fresh and learning? Is there something wrong with me?

"You have to pick one" said my father. "I know you want to unlock all of your potentials but life is too short for you to keep exploring. Look at me as an example. I have pursued so many interests my whole life and missed out on incredible opportunities to secure finance. I don't want to see you end up having no asset like I do. I'm 55." It broke my heart. I could not imagine myself sticking to one career my whole life just because I have to make money. I must feel really empty inside pretending that money can make up for the joy of exploring my potentials. But the reality my father showed me was intimidating.

Until one day, I stumbled on a TEDtalk speech by Emilie Wapnick about her multipotentiality.

I was overjoyed when I learned stories about Amy who is a 'magazine editor-illustrator-entrepreneur-teacher-creative director' or Sha Hwang and Rachel Binx who used their skills in cartography, data visualization, travel, mathematics, and design to make jewelry. These people have combined their many talents to contribute unique work for the world.

"He is valuable because he does good work. He's even more valuable because he can take on various roles depending on the clients' needs." Emilie explained as she talked about another multipotentialite.

I heard the word 'valuable'. In this fast changing world, the skills I learn are becoming more transferable in various areas. At the English club for minority students I volunteered, I used my drawing skill to help visual students memorize better or played English songs with my ukulele to encourage auditory students to engage more in class. I also came up with an idea of teaching Taekwondo with English instruction to motivate kinaesthetic students to communicate. I couldn't help fantasizing about creating an unprecedented business at the intersection of different fields or working out unique solutions for world problems in the future.

Aren't you curious about my multipotentialite capability as much as I am?
JangGemini   
Oct 5, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Okay Vangiespen! Let's see how I did. I tried to finish it before I went to bed. I exceeded 650 words but it was so close: 667. If you can help me shorten it somehow. I just feel like I should change the opening a little bit so the focus is not only on me having to pay the band fee but also to face band challenges. But I did not know how to alter it. Please help me with that too. Thank you very much! :-)

I do not come from an affluent family. Yet, somehow my parents managed to scrape together enough income to afford my exchange student expenses in the U.S. I thought I would not have any extra expenses either since my allowance was already set in stone. So when the opportunity to join the school marching band came upon my first day in the U.S, I knew my finances would be thrown in a tailspin as it cost me $400 to participate in the band activities and I did not want to ask more financial help from my parents after they had already spent so much to get me into this study program. That was when I decided that I needed to be responsible for myself. If I wanted to join an activity, I needed to find a way to pay for it. This is where my transition from childhood to adulthood transpired.

Challenges first came to me when I joined marching band. Because I had never seen a marching band before and was a self-taught piano player, my skills were weak enough to turn the entire band performance into a disaster of American high school band history. But the band director still encouraged me to join, so I gave it a try for curiosity's sake. I was assigned to set up the sound system involving complicated technical tasks and had two minutes to complete. And then my second task was to play music on a synthesizer. I failed terribly to read and play music at once. The band would have to repeat every time I hit a wrong note or exceed the set-up time. My shirt would damp with sweat after four hours standing under the Sun. The band practice was always stressful and demanding, which explained why some kids had quit my position. Apparently, the band director had noticed my struggle. He came up to me on my second day of practice and said that if I felt like this was too much, it was okay for me to leave the band at that point.

But I did not. All I thought about was that I had decided to be a part of the band so I would stick with it and accomplish my responsibility. I wanted to be a true team player. For many days, I would force myself to practice repeatedly to memorize all the notes on the synthesizer. Very slowly, I played the music measure by measure. One time, when I was focusing intensely on my music sheet and listening carefully to the band playing a mixture of sound around me, I realized that the timpani player was playing the same part as mine. My hands were running on the keyboard as I tried to keep up with him and the band. "Great job Jen!" shouted the band director from distance. In marching band season that year, I successfully completed my tasks in every performance and as a result, all of my effort was recognized by the "Most Improved" Award.

Still, the band fee was a burden for me. Fortunately, I found out about the band's fundraiser which allowed students to work and make up the fee by volunteer hours. However, I always kept in mind that my parents had not sent me to the U.S to work. They wanted me to have better education and my priority should always be my study. While I volunteered in a fast food stand almost every weekend and had band practice during the week, I still focused on completing all of my schoolwork and managed to maintain good grades. At the end of the school year, not only did I pay all the fee myself but I was also happy to tell my parents that I was in the top 10% of my class.

Today, I am still grateful to the challenges that marching band brought to me. I have learned to overcome obstacles with perseverance and to take responsibility for my actions. I have matured unknowingly.
JangGemini   
Oct 4, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hi Vangiespen! I have decided to rewrite a completely new story about my marching band experience. My teacher's feedback was good (finally!). She just suggested that I should add more details to create vivid images in my story so I did but still attempted to not exceed 650 word limit. Can you please help me revise it one more time? Both on my content and grammar :-) Thank you very much!

I finally arrived in Indiana airport at 3:30 pm.

After a long journey of an exchange student, I should have taken a nap in the beautiful room prepared for me. But before I passed out on my bed, my host father asked "Do you want to go to the school and watch a marching band practice? " Half an hour after my arrival, I was meeting band people at school.

I never had a definition of marching band until I saw about fifty kids playing their instruments while organizing their formation on the field there. The band director still welcomed me to join despite my weak technical skills. If I joined, I could possibly turn the entire band performance into the worst disaster of American band history - I thought. But humans are born with curiosity, so was I. Anything new to me captures my attention, especially when I was in a foreign country. So, I became a new band member.

Of course, a new experience accompanies with challenges. I was assigned to set up the sound system involving complicated tasks. The stressful part? I had two minutes to complete it and I heard that many kids had quit this position. It was like the movie "Groundhog day " when the band director would interrupt and forced everyone to start all over again until I - the protagonist - could figure out how to set up and play my part correctly. I thought the band kids could have killed me with instruments in their hands. My shirt damped with sweat after four hours standing under the Sun. I was exhausted. Yet, I was allowed to quit.

"No. This is my band. I am not quitting. " I resolved.

All I thought about was that I had decided to be a part of the band so I would stick with it and accomplish my responsibility. During the break, I forced myself to practice repeatedly to memorize all the notes on the synthesizer. Very slowly, I played the music measure by measure. 10-minute break was over and the band started again. This time, I focused intensely on my music sheet while listening carefully to the mixture of sound around me. "Somebody is playing my part! " I suddenly realized. It was Dakota - the timpani player. My hands were running on the keyboard as I tried to keep up with him and the band. Being able to read and play music was like deciphering a code to a treasure. "Great job Jen! " shouted the band director from distance. In marching band season that year, I successfully completed my tasks in every performance and as a result, all of my effort was recognized by the "Most Improved" Award.

It was a great experience but my participation in marching band cost me a total of more than $400 for my performing uniform and traveling fees. Again, this was another difficulty for me because my parents were having some financial issues at the time and I did not want to ask more from them after they had afforded to send me to the U.S for this program. Fortunately, the band had a fundraiser that allowed students to work and make up band fee by volunteer hours. While having to balance between schoolwork and rigorous band activity, I volunteered to work in a fast food stand almost every weekend to pay my fee. I was not jealous of kids having their parents work for them when I would come home very late at night with exhaustion and sore feet. Because at the end of the school year, I was so happy to tell my parents that I had worked to pay all the fee myself.

I have learned that I should never regret my decision to do something even when the experience is difficult and challenging. Because after all, I will be the one who learns the most from it.
JangGemini   
Sep 30, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

I'm sorry I did not mean that. It's just an additional message to the previous one that :D And yes, I saw your intention there about how to make my transition become clearer. I just wanted to clarify who I used to be so we can reword and make it more suitable for me, not that I think you insult me. Really.

I really appreciate what you are doing for me and want to receive any feedback from you, especially the theme and content. Because if I make a wrong impression on you, I will certainly make a wrong impression on the admission committee and that is what I'm afraid of most. That's why I'm trying to explain myself clearly so you will have the idea of who I am and help me revise the essay that will successfully give the admission a correct view of me.

So please keep doing what you are doing. It's very important to me. I'm rewriting it and will give you the 104th version shortly :-) Thank you very much Vangiespen!
JangGemini   
Sep 29, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Where I was once a rebellious and spoiled daughter, I became more empathetic towards the needs of my family and parents.

And I was not rebellious or spoiled at all. I just did not go home ONCE as my parents had a huge fight and I could not focus on my final exams. That was my initial reaction but certainly not often. The point I want to make here is I wasn't as positive and accepting as I am today about the crisis.
JangGemini   
Sep 29, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Yes, I still seek for scholarship but I'm just giving it a try. My Father insisted on sending me to college and putting my brother's opportunity on hold but I did not agree with that. If I earn a good scholarship and my Father thinks that he can afford to pay for both of us, I will go. But if not, I told my Father that he just sends my brother to the US and I will be happy to wait until our financial status allows me to attend college. I'm not competing with my brother but I'm trying my best to possibly reduce the expenses that my parents have to pay. I could have said that my Father has to send me to college and leaves my brother at home so I can have the opportunity. The fact that I'm seeking opportunity does not mean I'm competing with my brother. I may work hard to earn scholarships but that does not guarantee I will go to the university while I want to guarantee my brother has US experience. And when I say that I competed with him, I mean small things like toys or candies when we were small kids but this time I decided to give him something that means a lot to me and put him first. I think I did not express myself correctly and caused you to see me differently.

But I will follow what you suggested earlier about trying to afford my education expenses on my own while my family is still in the crisis. Thank you very much Vangiespen! Because the word limit is 650 so I can't further explain my situation thoroughly and sound selfish. If that's how I make you feel, I should change it before the admission committee feel the same way :-)
JangGemini   
Sep 29, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Sorry that I took so long. My weekend was full of activities! My teacher said that I should try to emphasize the detail that mark my transition to adulthood so I changed the arrangement of some details to make it more logical. In the last paragraph, I wanted to show that I learned to give away like my parents did and that is a part of becoming an adult - you sacrifice for other despite your own interest. That's why I bring my brother in as the reason for my sacrifice. Let me know your thoughts!

My family experienced a crisis in 2008 when my Father took a risk in the stock market and put all of us in a difficult situation as we lost everything. I was really angry that my Father had gambled away my future as an exchange student in the US - a dream I had nurtured since I was a kid. My parents fought more often. I detested the desperate atmosphere in my family and did not go home one time to escape from it.

One night, my Father talked to me about the exchange program and said that he would do his best to give me this opportunity. Just when I thought I could no longer rely on my Father for anything, he decided to retrieve my trust by gambling on me. Not until that moment did I realize that my parents were fighting a battle not only to pay the debt but also to save my future. They attempted to some extra works and bore a huge pressure saddling on their shoulders. I was deeply touched to know that my parents would sacrifice everything and support me to do whatever I was passionate for, while other parents would turn down their children's dreams and draw a safe path for these kids in advance.

[...]
JangGemini   
Sep 24, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Take 102! Okay. Let see if I have done a better job. 579/650. I think it is more suitable for the "adulthood" prompt but let me know if it can still work for the other one. This time, please show me clearly which part is redundant and which part I should add more details to reveal myself/adulthood. I'm really trying to show you more about me in this essay. Also, does posting my essay on this forum risk plagiarism? I mean anybody can read this and copy it. Not this terrible one but the last perfected essay that you help me revise. :-s

My family had a devastating financial difficulty in 2007. I was in my last year of secondary school and looking forward to the cultural exchange program to the United States - a dream that I had nurtured since I was a little kid. The fact that my Father had lost a huge amount of money from the stock market seemed to stamp out my hope. All of a sudden, the future turned dark and ambiguous for my family.

I was so mad to think that my Father acted like a gambler - giving our house as security and putting all of us in this situation. My parents got into fight more often and I thought "Money does not buy happiness" was such a cliché. But then, I learned to understand the pressure they were bearing and tried to be a dependable daughter. Instead of getting upset with their cranky mood, I stayed calm and encouraged my parents to talk to me more so as to make them feel better.

[...]
JangGemini   
Sep 24, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Yes, this is the prompt from both schools. Do you think my essay will be more suitable for the question: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

I'm rewriting the essay though. Do you think it may still work for the previous prompt?
JangGemini   
Sep 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Let us know that this will be a coming of age story that is many years in the making.

Thank you Vangiespen! That's such a relief for me. But I don't fully understand your last sentence here. What does it mean?

I just got a feedback from my teacher. She said it's still not suitable because I did not show my personality in it. Did I NOT show my identity in this essay? What do I need to show here? Can you please define IDENTITY for me? Thank you so much!
JangGemini   
Sep 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Okay Vangiespen! Take 100th. I have written an essay for the 1st prompt. Please help me take a look at it. Word limit is 650. I wrote 634. Thank you very much!

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

My family had a devastating financial crisis in 2007. I was in my last year of secondary school and looking forward to the cultural exchange program to the United States - a dream that I had nurtured since I was a little kid. The fact that my Father had lost a huge amount of money from the stock market seemed to stamp out my hope. My Mom had a severe depression as we could only sell our house to pay the debt. All of a sudden, the future turned into a dark and ambiguous blur for my family.

For my Mom, I knew the crisis was too much. I was so sad to think that my Father acted like a gambler - giving our house as security and put all of us in this situation. But I realized that he was the one who suffered and sacrificed the most. Instead of getting upset with my Father's cranky mood, I started to empathize the extra work he had to do and the stress he had. I couldn't imagine the reponsibility he bears as a man of the family and deeply appreciated his effort. I focused more on helping my parents with housework and my education. I ignored irrelevant things and stopped comparing myself with other kids based on material possession. The relief of knowing that my family chose to overcome this challenge instead of giving up on each other was my source of happiness.

[...]
JangGemini   
Sep 23, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

There are only 2 universities that I CAN submit an essay for their scholarship consideration. They said that the more information I include will be beneficial for me so I want to include anything I can to make me stand out. I'm asking one counselor of these two universities about what they are looking for in a student's personal essay for scholarship consideration. I will let you know when I receive his response.

Also, two other universities want students to apply through Common App. There are five questions and I'm trying to pick one. Here is one that I'm considering:

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

What can be a background? Ethnic group? Class? Family Circumstance?

My family had a devastating financial crisis when I was in secondary school, it still affects us but I have grown up a lot from it. Will that be a worthwhile story to reveal more about me? Will it be relevant for this question: Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or circumstances that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time. Use a minimum of 250 words.Required

Thank you very much Vangiespen!
JangGemini   
Sep 22, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hi Vangiespen! This essay is written based on an outline that I found on the Internet and I want to use it for most of the universities I'm applying to. There's no specific essay prompt.

In the 3rd paragraph , I'm telling 3 experiences that were directly related to Hospitality Industry and had the most impact on me. Because I don't want to just simply list what I have done but what I have actually gained.

In the 5th paragraph , I want to clarify some reasons that I choose a university (depending on the university I'm writing to, I may alter the content). The ones I listed are just the basic. I will restate my resolution, mention future plan and my desire to be a part of their school.

Some university do not require me to write a personal statement but I still want to submit mine because it will be beneficial for scholarship consideration. I'm just thinking that the universities want to know more about me and how I will be a potentially successful student based on what I've done and been doing to achieve my goals. Besides the test scores and GPA, only the experiences I had can make me stand out and I think that is the purpose of personal statement.

Please help me point out which detail will only diminish my chance of standing out and I will eliminate it. Thank you very much Vangiespen! You're very helpful and responsive. And may be the only one I can ask for help. I really appreciate it!
JangGemini   
Sep 22, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hi vangiespen! I have finished the outline and need you to take a look at it. I will use this essay in my application to every university, except I will change the paragraph 5 depending on reasons I choose each university. (I still write an outline for it though). Please help me! Thank you very much!

Paragraph 1: Reason of choosing Hospitality Management program

- Influential and fast-growing industry => bring about high income for many countries
- It's a busy and fast-paced industry => suitable for my personality and capacity as I enjoy intensity and business.
- This industry required extensive traveling => great opportunities of working in an international environment as I aspire to learn more about different cultures
- Have the chance to work with the best people as this industry critically requires people to adjust constantly and be positive => enrich my lifetyles

- Future plan: Open a restaurant or own a resort. Combine the famous hospitality of Vietnamese and effective working style of Americans to create my internationally unique style.

Paragraph 2: Academic Interests and Achievements

- Enjoy social studies subjects at school, especially foreign language (English) and history
- Committed and serious with my academic career. I always set high goals and believe in persistence to achieve them.
- Singapore summer camp trip in 6th grade
- Had great opportunity to live with and make acquaintance of international students
- Learn about the interesting and progressive education system of Singapore => want to earn higher education in international environment and expand my knowledge.

Paragraph 3: Important Background experiences (Cultural Exchange Program)

- Cooking class: grouped with four disorganized boys => after failing twice and realizing that they need a leader, I decided to take charge and delegated specific tasks to individuals => effective and we were the fastest team to finish => recognized the importance of a leader and collaboration with people.

- Volunteer at Lucas Oil Stadium: delegated to do various tasks => adapted to be flexible and active. Serving so many customers in a short period of time did not exhaust me but instead gave me the energy and enthusiasm to work harder. I truly found my happiness in my customer's satisfaction. Besides, my program coordinator was incredibly optimistic and helpful in every situation => I admire her positive work ethic and impact on others => great example for me to look up to.

- CPR project : First experience of professional leadership. I coordinated with the Onsite Training & Service Inc. to conduct a CPR training at Mt.Vernon school. I worked with a local reporter to raise awareness of cardiac arrest as well as to encourage people to learn this life-saving skill. My host mom - an expert in Hospitality and Event Management -coached and taught me crucial management skills throughout the program. I learned to work with many people and persuaded them to join my cause. I created a registration system and flyers to attract participants => realistically understood the stressful feature of Hospitality Industry and the flexbility as well as composure I should have to solve any unexpected problems.

=> These experiences have strongly affected me as I had the opportunities to test my capabilities and capacity in small scales of Hospitality Industry. I discovered the hardship that I may encounter in the service field but I also see the opportunities it offers and my serious commitment to be a part of it.

Paragraph 4: Extra-curricular (demonstrate to be well-rounded)

- Music (Instrumental): Joined the marching band of Mt.Vernon high school: Even though I was stressed out due to my lack of musical ability and the number of important tasks involved, I was thankful to this experience as I learned to go beyond what I thought I could possibly achieve.

- Sports: Used to practice Taekwondo for 5 years and won several medals

Paragraph 5: Reason of choosing this university (depend) and restate

- Diversity: Global citizenship of international students
- Good reputation and ranking in the country
- Great location for Hospitality students (opportunity of internship)
- Generous aids for international students

=> Resolute to earn a Bachelor Degree and look forward to challenges in Hospitality program at the school and opportunities offered there to test my strength and endurance as well as my passion for Hospitality industry.

=> Want to be a part of the university's diverse community and join the international student club to share more about my culture.
JangGemini   
Sep 21, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hey! I'm writing a personal statement outline and I feel much more comfortable when I actually know what and how to write. This will be for all the universities I apply, but I will add a paragraph talking about my choice of each university. Thought that could be more personal and specific. I'm finishing it and will post it within today. Just leave you a message in advance :-) Thank you so muchhhh! (And I don't want this thread to be closed due to inactivity so... :D)
JangGemini   
Sep 17, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Thanks so much for your advice! I just checked back and realized that I'm only requested to explain my activities and time since last school attended. I initially focused on explaining my academic year (2013-2014) in the US because I did not earn a high school diploma and they want to know how I spent my time professionally and educationally. I've contacted the school to ask if I should submit an essay that explains my activities or a full personal statement. I will let you know and post an other edition of my essay :) Would you mind giving me your email address? I still need a lot help :D

Thank you so much!
JangGemini   
Sep 15, 2014
Undergraduate / My biggest obstacle to overcome was to accept my new surroundings; College admission essay [3]

Throughout our lives, we are challenged with inconveniences asthat we are forced to reconcile with change. Whether the transition was wanted or inexorable, it intrudes into the comfort zone that some of us may take years to build. That imposition, however, causes us to modify our circumstances as we learn to live around itand adapt ourselves to new circumstances .

My life-changing experience happened when I moved to the U.S. from Korea. That was the first time I realized that I lacked one of the most salient necessities in life: Communication. I was faced with frustration and perplexity as I struggled with a new language and environment.butHowever, I learned to overcome those obstacles to embrace thisa completely different culture.

Just a couple of months after moving to America, my parents decided to put me into school in the second grade. At the age when most children should be expressing their thoughts freely, I had a tough time trying to answer simple questions such as "How are you?" or "What is your favorite hobby?". Being afraid that I had misunderstood the actual meaning, I would stare at them in bewilderment. Although elementary school was supposed to be an imperative portion of childhood memories, loneliness and vexation took over the long hours of school. I was abashed and isolated myself/live aloof from the people who only wanted to be my friend. My only source of relief was coming home to my younger sister who was the only one I could relate with at the time. I did not accommodate to change very well and was reluctant to overcome that fear.

Apart from the drastic change in social life, I struggled academically as well. I remember failing my first spelling quiz which at the time I did not even know what it was. Reading and writing classes were dreadful for me, because I was unwilling to learn a different language when I could not even comprehend the complexity of my own. The education system and school itself in the U.S. was disparate from the one in Korea, which also took me time to get used to. I not only had to learn the objectives in my classes, but also how the school worked as well.

My biggest obstacle to overcome was not only my lack of knowledge in English, but also my reluctance to accept my new surroundings. (I think you have mentioned this part in previous paragraphs. It's good if you can specify how and why you refused to accept your new surroundings. I think it may emphasize and clarify the struggle you had) As I took ESL classes and summer school, I realized that I was not the only one struggling with that impediment. There were many other students who were able to empathize with the adversities that I have gonewas going through and seeing others coping with similar situations motivated me to persevere throughwith the apprehension. With confidence, I started to feel more ease at school and had a few close friends that I felt comfortable to be around with. I also began to catch up academically to the other classmates as my English improved significantly. The classes that were seemingly impossible became less daunting with my fresh mindset.

Being open to new ideas changed my perspective on how to approach intimidating circumstances. Undergoing such a drastic transition in my life, helped meI attained the flexibility to acclimate to modificationsand to be more open with new ideas . I was able to conform to the new lifestyle which eventually became a comfort to me. With this acquisition, I know that I will not be alarmed as I try to adjust to the new environment in college after my high school career. Although change can be rough at first, it is an inevitable factor in life that can be utilized as an advantage.

Hope that helped. I'm writing my personal statement also and I totally understand what you went through because I came to the US last year on a cultural exchange program. Although, I think my struggle was mild compared to yours since I prepared myself beforehand. Anyway, you used a wide vocabulary and it's a comprehensive essay. Please consult your teacher as well for better suggestion and feedback. Good luck with your admission!
JangGemini   
Sep 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hi guys! I need some help with my personal statement for international undergraduate admission. This is the first time I've ever written a personal essay based on specific questions on the university website. Below are the questions:

1. What undergraduate degree program at IUPUI do you wish pursue (certificate, associate or bachelor)?
2. What academic subject or major to you wish to study in this program?
3. What are your objectives for pursuing this degree and major?
4. As of today, what academic achievement(s) are you most proud of? Please include any service, volunteer or extracurricular activities.
5. For students who have completed their secondary education, have you been away from school for more than three months? If so, how did you spend the time?

6. Looking at your educational record, have you failed any courses or earned more than one or two poor grades?
7. Is there anything else in your background that you want to bring to the admission committee's attention as it reviews your application?

The essay should be limited to 1000 words and I attempted to write mine in 911 words. In the essay, I explained my academic year in the US as I did not earn a high school diploma but the experience has greatly impacted me. I tried not to sound presumptuous but to fully express myself. Please help me review it and any suggestion is appreciated. Let me know your feeling after reading it also if you were in the admission committee.THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCE! (The essay is in italic)

In my academic year of 2013 - 2014, I went to the United States on a cultural exchange program. During the year, I took part in several activities of the school and the community of Indiana state. Each experience offered me a lot of precious lessons and opportunities that helped define me and my career choice.

I joined the marching band of Mt.Vernon high school as a novice with the lack of musical ability. With the help of the band director and my friends in percussion, I was able to set up electronic equipment for the whole band, played several instruments and competed from August 2013 to September 2013. Marching band season was an incredibly stressful time for me but thanks to this experience, I learned to go beyond what I thought I could possibly achieve. I also participated in the fundraising of the band by serving in a fast food stand at Lucas Oil Stadium of Indiana from September 2013 to February 2014. My manager delegated me to do various tasks in which I adapted myself to an environment that required flexibility and activeness. This experience particularly had a great impact on me as I found my interest for working in a service field.

[...]
JangGemini   
May 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / The prons and cons of the Internet [7]

The internet has been one of the greatest inventions which humans have come up with so far,and as other innovations,the Net has its pros as well as its cons.

Thanks to the internet,the world has become as a small village,nowadays,you can get in touch with people all around the world and even in the most remote areas,speak and even see them provided that they have a webcam.Another feature is this invention has faciliatedfaciliTated a great deal of things,taking . F or instance the educative level. Students in particular no longer have to depend on their professors in everything. (stop here). T hey can simply resort toutilize ("resort to" means that you have no other choices so you have to use it) this invention and with a mouse click, they obtainare provided with hundreds or rather thousands of new pieces of information and only withinwithin only a few seconds.On the top of that these two above-mentioned advantages, there's another one which is making money onlineBesides educational and communicative value, the Internet can also help us financially . Making money online has become one of the most reliable and efficient factors for making profits.You can perform and achieve various operations in this virtual world and get paid for your effort at the end of the month as any other waged worker and without having to leave your own place. ( Domestically )

However,the Internet does have hazardousdetrimentalresultsimpacts on people's lives .Many people's life has been ruined by it . For instance, Net surfers, who wasted a great amount of their time on computer , are prone to end up in critical situations as they share some compromising pictures or infosinformationaboutof themselvesand . Because of this inconsiderate act,they get blackmailed for buying someones's silence(I'm sorry but...what does this mean?) . Another serious factconqequence is that individuals have become more isolated and less sociable,especially the young generation. (stop here)Nowadays, it is easy to find people whose eyes set on their laptops or cell phones or whateverwithout having a face-to-face conversation.and day by dayThey focus too much on social media and creating unrealistic relationships online that they eventually retreating into their shells. Seeing that the virtual world pales in comparison with what is really happening in the real and concrete life.They gradually lose the perception of the value of life.

All in all, I assert that the Net is a virtue that we have to take advantage of to a great extent,and a vice if we misuse itThis conclusion could have been written longer. Try to avoid one-sentence conclusion so as to get the best score.

I have noticed that you don't space after each comma or period. Make sure you do it next time to make your essay look nicer. Avoid rambling mistake and run-on sentence to make your point clearer. I hope this helps :) Good luck!
JangGemini   
May 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Judgement and verification. Understand concepts and ideas is MORE IMPORTANT than learning facts? [4]

Hi,

I'm Jen. I'm practicing for the TOEFL test on May 23rd which is coming soon. This is a tough topic that I tried to finish in 32 minutes (I need to improve my speed to fit in 30 minutes) and I know I can't write a fabulous essay in limited time. Please make any correction, fix grammatical errors and it will be great if you can help me come up with better ideas to write. THANK YOU!

The development of science and technology in our society has been built from theories, concepts, and principles. To learn about the ideas of everything around us is to embrace to most important essence. However, learning facts of something is undoubtedly as crucial as understanding the ideas behind it. To support my opinion, I have two reasons: judgement and verification.

Firstly, any theories need to be judged carefully to become an acceptable concept. Thus, scientists have to find a way to prove the reliability of their ideas. For example, Issac Newton had a hypothesis that the Earth has gravity and everything that stays on the ground are being held by this incredible force. He demonstrated his hypothesis by his story of an apple which fell straight to to ground but not floated in the air. By observing and judging this fact, Issac Newton has found out the natural rule of gravity.

Secondly, learning about facts contribute to the development of ideas and concepts. Not all the time, concepts are strong enough to be persuasive. We all have to look at the facts to verify its practicality. For instance, I have learnt that sleep deficit is detrimental for my brain function and physical activity. However, in order to really understand that concept, I had to investigate the facts by doing a small experiment. I started to go to bed earlier and fulfill a complete circle of 8-hour sleep and the result was fascinating: I felt happier and more active.

Obviously, learning facts help us to make the right judgement about a phenomona like Issace Newton did to prove his hypothesis acceptable. I have done an experiment to verify the idea of sleep deficit. Therefore, I believe the balance of learning facts and understanding concepts is necessary in any field of life.
JangGemini   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / SAT: Learning from mistakes or from our successful actions? [6]

Making mistakes is in the human nature, as long as we are still breathing then we will still make mistakes. It's impossible for anyone to be perfect without one flaw or mistake. However, repeating the same mistake over and over again is considered carelessness(not necessarily be mentioned. It makes your point confusing and vague since the question asks if we LEARN from MISTAKES, not REPEATED mistakes) . We make mistakes to learn from them, because there's no success without failure. If our life is all going in the same successful track without any miss then we'd be nothing and we'd be uncreative and weak because failing makes us stronger as in the famous quote "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".=> this sentence is rambling. A better way is to clearly state your opinion here. For example: I strongly believe failure teaches us more valuable lessons than success does. As somebody said "Failure is not a by-product of success but success is the by-product of failure."

Many successful and influenciveinfluential people in the history have failed before succeeding like Thomas Edison. Thomas Edison have failed a thousand times before being able to creat the light bulb.When he was asked how didhe felt to fail 700 times, he said that these weren't failures but making the light bulb had a thousand steps because he learned from each failure which resulted in making the light bulb and he said "failure is the opportunity to start again more intellegently"."I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work." (it's okay if you don't remember the exact quote but try to rewrite the idea in a concise and intelligible way. And actually now you know the exact quote and you can use it next time, right? I honestly just copied it but I want you to know the quote and use it in the future :) )

Louis Braille kept trying to find appropriate symbols for the braille language for five years failing one day and achieving the other day. However, after that he was able to successfully to make the braille language. You need to provide more details about this example and explain it more concretely to demonstrate how it relates to your point.

At last, if we only keep succeeding without failing we will never learn, and our successful actions never teach us but they give us hope instead so we can never make something without failing a little and succeeding a little as well.

=> The truth is without failure, we can never succeed. It's not that "we keep succeeding" that we do not learn (because if we succeed then we must have learnt something. You know what I mean?) For conclusion, you should restate your opinion with a short summary of your mentioned examples. It's better to have more than 1 sentence in the conclusion. :)

Don't freak out with my correction in your essay. I'm studying for SAT right now so I understand how hard it is to write an essay in a short period of time. I just hope that you will learn more from this experience to prepare for your future essays. I'm sorry that I'm not qualified enough to grade your essay but I'm sure your teacher is. Good luck! Work hard! :)
JangGemini   
Sep 26, 2013
Undergraduate / William Golding's novel: Lord of the flies - Leadership essay. [7]

Topic: Choose a character from the novel and make your argument for why they should lead. Write a 1000-word essay and use evidence from the novel to support your decision.

In the famous novel named "Lord of the flies", there are four main characters that William Golding built up to represent the typical personalities in human nature. While Jack stands for the powerfully instinct savagery, Simon represents the natural kindness and Piggy with his glasses is the symbol of wisdom, Ralph has the best conducts of a real leader as he was initially voted for chief. There are three main characteristics that mark him out as a felicitous leader: rational, moral and unflinching.

First of all, the most important trait that makes Ralph the best leader is his rational mind. I personally think that a leader should be a respectable and organized person. Ralph demonstrates his leading ability very well by the way he treats the kids. He said "We can't have everybody talking at once. We'll have 'Hands up' like at school" (33). Apparently, Ralph has a democratic view of governing: he wants everybody to have a chance to speak out. By saying this, Ralph built a good image of himself to make others support him voluntarily. "Ralph held out the glimmering conch and Maurice took it obediently" (88). As a result, the boys truly respect Ralph like the way he respects them. Ralph was very clever in his first strategy to gradually build up his reputation and yet, the order in his authority. "We'll have rules!" "Lots of rules!" (33) He obviously wants to keep the boys as a united community to work effectively. Ralph knows that anarchy will separate them and diminish their chance of being rescued. He inflicts the rules and regulations to maintain the order as it is the most essential basis of a community. The other point I want to mention is Ralph knows what is priority. "So we need shelters as a sort of_" "Home" (52). Ralph expresses himself as an organized and logical leader. This quotation implies that Ralph anticipated some future risks that could possibly put everyone in danger. "Everybody must stay round here and wait and not to go away" (23). A leader should be the one who is visionary and mature. On the contrary, Jack just focused on hunting and eating - naturally instinct needs of a human. Ralph specially cared about keeping the fire burning as a distress signal since he believed there's no better way to help them be rescued. "The fire is the most important thing on the island. How can we ever be rescued except by luck, if we don't keep the fire going?" (80). Ralph common sense to determine what is best for the group as a whole further demonstrates his superior leadership skills. He insisted on keeping the fire and exasperated when the boys ignored their mission. Ralph is not easily distracted person like the other boys, especially Jack when he tried to hunt the wild pig and let the fire out.

Secondly, Ralph is not only a rational leader but also a moral person, who cleverly keeps the fairness in his group. "Ralph, looking more understanding at Piggy, saw that he was hurt and crushed. He hovered between the two courses of apology or further insult 'Better Piggy than Fatty" (25). Ralph is sincere and considerate for other people. He apparently understand their feeling and particularly shows his sympathy for Piggy. Ralph is sensible enough to realize that everyone deserves to be respected. He believes no one should have to put up with being tormented. Ralph gently gains others' support by treating them equally, showing his compassion and ability to empathize with them. Opposite to Ralph, Jack is immoral, violent and condescending. "He's going to beat Wilfred" (159). He does not care or understand the natural equality of human beings and treats others in superior way. Jack shows his inability to sympathize with other boys and makes his followers do what he wants by violence is an irrational and transient way to keep them respect him.

The last trait that Ralph has is his unflinchingness, which is relatively important for a good leader. When the boys faced up with a threat that there is a beast intimidating them, Ralph with Jack and Simon had to go to confirm the truth. Undoubtedly, all of them have a huge fear of the supposed beast. Ralph could not hide his fear when he said "You're hunter" (104) to indicate that Jack should go first to check the beast but right after that, Ralph immediately recognized his responsibility as a chief "I'm chief. I'll go" (104). His leading sense reminds him to confront the danger and not let the fear overwhelm him. His quotation shows Ralph's courage and his awareness of being worthy of the boy's appointment. By saying that Ralph is unflinching, I also mean he is an optimistic leader. "While we're waiting we can have a good time on this island" (34). Ralph tries to maintain a generally positive spirit for the group as a whole, at once encourages himself to cope with a truth: they are stranded on an uninhabited island. Ralph wants to set a good example of an optimist and high-spirited chief so the boys would have the confidence in their leader. In chapter 11, when everyone followed Jack to satisfy their need of meat and completely forget about their mission of keeping the fire, Ralph still stayed on his own to protect his belief. Ralph said "I say! You voted for me for chief." "Didn't you hear the conch?" (116). Ralph understands his position among other people. A leader should be the one who knows who he is and always be ready to protect his authority. By saying straightforwardly to Jack he is the chief, Ralph demonstrates that he would never surrender him to lose the respect of the boys. I believe that even when the boys did not come back to Ralph (may be because of Jack's and Roger's powerful control) they could slightly see his assertive self-affirmation. Obviously, a leader can't be a dastard.

In conclusion, Ralph is a great combination of Piggy, Simon and Jack, which makes him the most appropriate leader of all the boys. Ralph is rational and clever in the way he creates and organizes his authority. He has the morality and sensibility to keep the justice in his group and treats them fairly. He is courageous and faithful in any situation. To compare Ralph with all three other characters, I absolutely would vote Ralph for chief if I was stranded on the island with him for his out-standing and skillful leading abilities.
JangGemini   
Jun 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / Difference between Two Close friends [8]

Uhm. Thank you very much. It is very useful for me. How can I writingwrite English as well as you do ?

Let see... I recommend you to watch A LOT OF AMERICAN MOVIE, listen to US-UK music and LEARN FROM MISTAKES. I'm not so good. My recent English result is bad... . Anyway, The more you believe my suggestion and do it, the better English you have. :) Good luck!
JangGemini   
Jun 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / Difference between Two Close friends [8]

In high school, I have two close friends but they are dissimilar at(this preposition doesn't seem to be a right one I think) characters and externality. They are Thao and Hang Ball ( Ball is the nickname). We are classmates and becominghave become close friends since we were in the 10th - grade. About externality, it is likely that Hang Ball is more beautiful than thou with white skin and black long hairHang Ball is usually appraised for her outstanding appearance (this sentence seems to be more suitable, depicting too detailed sounds...too detailed :-/ ) . But on the hand, Thao is a cute and lovely girl, who has blackswarthy skin and short hair sobut still impress people at first timemany people is impressed by her at first time . About characters, it is a big differenceHowever, there is a big difference in their characters . THAO was born and growngrew up in a village, so she is verya mischievous person . At school , she is a leader in group for person who prefer the girl to cry. Not until done our teacher meddle. Baiting everyone is her hobbies.she's infamous for her baiting-people hobby. Making girls cry until our teacher meddles seems to be her favorite things to doI felt comfortable and relax while I'm on the side here. But she is very lazyI'm not annoyed and feel totally comfortable with her hobby, it's harmless anyway. With her character, Thao is an easy-going person that she never does homework because of her intelligence . Sometime, I think she is likely Thao, Hang Ball is very feminine and hard - work studentHang Ball is also intelligent like Thao but she's likely to be a hard-work and feminine girl . So thatTherefore , in the end of the semester, Hang usually has a high GPA and she is given a scholarship. Because she was born in a poor family then no sooner has she finished the lesson at school than she went to her house and picked up her younger brother. Furthermore, Hang always understand me. When I have a challenge, Hang give me some useful advise(hey! this sentence should be put in the earlier part, isn't it?) . Although,But however different we are and wherever we come from , we are and will always be best friend forever.

Not the best but hopefully it helped :)
JangGemini   
Jun 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Which behaviour of teachers is efficient; Strict or friendly? [10]

hey shaddy! you know a straight-forward comment is the fastest and greatest advice right? :) People sometimes say things that let you down...but their purposes are different. Your friend, maybe he somehow recognized himself (before) in your essay but unfortunately didn't know how to express his idea in the best way :) Don't be knocked down. "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" Try it again and again! I'm terribly bad at writing essay and feel inadequate when people around me are so good at it. But what else can we do? Just keep positive attitude and MOVE ON!

keep calm and hold your head high!
JangGemini   
Jun 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / Increasing a number of students are choosing to study abroad [6]

Studying oversea has become common in last few years. Many students and families consider worth experiences in abroad(I think foreign will be more appropriate) countries. Thus those who even local governmentthe local government is willing to invest a huge amount of money in this field. Nevertheless, this trend could be seen as a coin with two sides, both of negative and positive consequences.

It is true that, going abroad for studyingstudying abroad has had several benefits for not only for the students who learninglearn oversea but also the government and their countries. For young people who always be eager for new things and advanced education system in developed countries => wait! You have not finish this one . This one is seen as the best opportunity to obtain new knowledge as well as accumulate significant skills for their future. Moreover, while living in the foreign countries, the international students have to connect to a lot of people who come from different parts of the world. Hence, they would be interactingwill probably have great chances to interact with a number of various cultures that helps them to broaden their mind and buildingbuild self-confidence as well. In addition, these students will become key workforce for their countries where they will go back after finishing the course in abroad countries. From this viewpoint , the advantages of studying oversea are countless.

On the other hand, studying abroad is not absolutely benefitsbeneficial . Most the international students must encounter a number ofseveral difficulties the initial stage. Typically, Living far away from their home leads to many negative consequences. firstly are almost broken relationship with their friends and family.their relationship with friends and familiy can't be maintained as well as before In addition, they wouldmay feel isolated by the barrier of language or different cultures in a foreign country . As a consequence, these student fall into homesick, their spirits as well as their studying resultsgoingcan decrease terriblyeven if , which could be serious diseases as mental disorders and autism. Furthermore, there are lots of the students do not want to come back to their countries after finishing the course. Therefore, the local government will lost the significant labor forceemployees resource as well as their talents. In this way, studying oversea is rally a double-edge sword for the local government. => ooh! nice sentence!

In conclusion, going oversea for studying will have both disadvantages and advantages. However, it'sits drawbacks can be overcomeignored and left behindeasilydue to the benefits mentioned aboveeasily .

My grammar is not perfect (english is my second language) so I just FIX your essay in my ability, hopefully it helped! :D
Thanks for your essay! It help me improve my expression ^^
Good luck!
JangGemini   
Jun 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Which behaviour of teachers is efficient; Strict or friendly? [10]

I think a partial opinion will be more efficient and gain higher score :D I learn TOEFL but in my essay assignment, I usually have the similar kinds of topic. My teacher advised me to choose one side and prove it. It shows the grader your personality and a clear mind. In my opinion, I believe that teachers with comfortable attitude will manage their students better. ( I have one, she's cool)

Good luck! ^^

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