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Posts by happy_bons
Joined: Jan 18, 2013
Last Post: Jan 21, 2013
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Posts: 10  
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From: Canada

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Jan 21, 2013
Undergraduate / FIRST time I flew looking for a job; RICHMOND UNIVERSITY SUPP - Leaving Comfort zone [10]

Without knowing anything about these experiences:

I think job searching would be so much more relevant for University compared to flying alone. Job searching requires so many skills: initiative, interpersonal, communication, organizational etc. Job searching is more concrete as well ( a cause and effect type situation) and would make more sense in terms of "changing you". For example, " After searching for a job for the first time, I learned how to seek new opportunities and express my strengths more clearly, resulting in a position at X". For the flying situation, you may be stretching it a bit, " After flying alone for the first time, I became less fearful of new experiences and learned how to travel without my parents..."

Basically, the job searching sounds less lame. Again, I don't really know anything about your experiences, so I could be way off.
Jan 21, 2013
Letters / Cover Letter or Letter of motivation for MS in Petroleum Geoscience [9]

I see. I am not sure how you can be more "creative". I can only suggest to not be creative for the sake of being creative. Some people do have interesting stories/experiences/insights to begin with, but even those should be kept short and to the point. If your true motivation for entering into a master's program is to broaden your expertise in petroleum exploration and production, that is great! Good luck with your application.
Jan 21, 2013
Letters / Cover Letter or Letter of motivation for MS in Petroleum Geoscience [9]


I don't want to make things more confusing for you, but I MUCH preferred your original opening sentence,

My purpose for applying to this master program is to broaden my technical skills and expertise in area of petroleum exploration and production

versus your reworked sentence,

Thomas Hunt's rude idea of anticlinal theory of oil entrapment to present day advanced 3D-seismic imaging methods; geoscientists have helped human society to discover the one of the most important resource of modern world PETROLEUM.

Many applicants try to come up with creative, "eye-catching" opening statements that will most likely only make the reader roll their eyes. There is no need to be profound or clever. When reading your original first line, I thought, " Oh cool. A candidate who can express their reasonable goals in a straightforward and concise manner". It is not boring...it is honest and makes complete sense. On the other hand, your second sentence made me go, "whaaat?". Not only is it overblown, but it also says nothing about you and why you are pursuing graduate studies. Faculty members don't appreciate gimmicks, they want serious students with sincere interests...which is exactly what your original opening conveyed.
Jan 21, 2013
Undergraduate / STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM; U Toronto-trinity supp/ extracurricular [3]

When I was thirteen, I participated in a three-week study abroad program in Toronto. With my homestay mom Rosario and two other roommates from Germany and Mexico, we took walk every evening to the Mississauga campus of University of Toronto near our home. Since then, going back and study in this beautiful, modern, multi-cultural campus has become the biggest dream of mine.

I know you are short on time, but perhaps rework your introduction. I am a firm believer in answering essay prompts explicitly and not deviating too much from what is asked. You begin with a nice story, but right away you aren't answering the question,

Describe your principal activities and interests beyond the classroom.

So what are your principle activities and interests beyond the classroom? Can you summarize your interests into a a couple sentences or a short paragraph?

Your third paragraph is confusing. You begin by stating some organizations that you would be interested in, but you don't go into detail after that. However, I like the structure of this, as it is answering the essay prompt more directly:

I always believe love can only be spread by extending our help to people in need. Through Toronto's Serve and Learn Program offered by the Center of Community Partnerships, I will have the opportunity to work, learn, and get inspired with non-profit organizations, community agencies, municipal governments and schools.

Also you mention "the first thing I will do as a junior is..". I would suggest putting that in the beginning of your paragraph...since it is the first thing you will do...

Basically, your third paragraph needs more structure. For example,

Extra-curricular/organization etc. will play "some role" in my life as a trinity student, because _________. I enjoy/ have experience with/ am passionate about etc. _________, and look forward to __________.

You don't need to list too many examples, just two or three strong ones to get your point across.
Jan 21, 2013
Graduate / COMPUTER APTITUDE; SOP - MS in Computer Science; Illinois [2]

Some suggestions:

1. Your introduction could be better. Trust me, the majority of applicants will begin their SOP by stating some sort of childhood fascination with their subject matter. So, not only is this a cliche manner of introducing yourself, it does nothing to indicate that you are serious about graduate work. Your motivation should be more professional at this stage. Typically, childhood experiences are not relevant for graduate school.

2. There is an imbalance to the SOP. So much of it is focused on the past and what you did do. How about the future? What do you plan do after graduate school and why?

3. You have a lot of experiences, activities etc. which is awesome but be careful in how you present that. It can sound like a resume. Reflect on how those experiences have prepared you for graduate work.

4. Do you have a faculty members you are interested in working with? It may be important to mention a couple and how your research interests align. No matter how great an applicant may be, if nobody is willing to supervise them they will not be accepted. Mentioning faculty interests may help your last paragraph as well. It is very vague and does not indicate that you know much about the program e.g.,

I also find that my goal is in line with the universities' principles and if selected would utilize the fullest of my resources to serve the ultimate purpose of gaining extensive knowledge and apply it.

What is your goal? What principles? Be very specific.
Jan 18, 2013
Graduate / I excelled in mathematics and IT; SOP for Ms in Information Technology. [6]

The seeds of my love for computers were first planted during my middle school years, when I excelled in mathematics and information technology

Avoid flowery statements or metaphors. Stating that you have a "love for" anything is a tad corny. You want to come across as a serious and motivated individual.

n addition, I have also


One activity where I had the opportunity to blend my love for technology and my passion for helping others

Again ...Is there another way you can say this?

I believe I am well qualified to contribute to your graduate program as a teaching or research assistant should I be called upon to do so .

Eliminate unnecessary wording such as "I believe" statements

I have the steadfast belief that I will prove to be an invaluable addition to your graduate program, and your program will serve as a solid step on the path of my professional pursuits.

Same issue as before. Why not just state " I will be an invaluable..."

Therefore, I have a strong interest in stable, reliable database creation and implementation, particularly for campuses, businesses, and governments of less developed nations.

We delivered an accurate, portable, scalable, robust, user-friendly system that surpassed the general expectations of the designated user, and we were publicly acknowledged for most outstanding and creative system

Apologies if I sounded harsh. I can honestly say that this is one of the better statements I have ever read in terms of content (the writing could be clearer). You sound skilled and can back up your interests with concrete accomplishments. Furthermore, you reflect on your experiences and sound intelligent. Rework your somewhat bland introduction cheesy and be wary of those "I have always loved..." statements. Your experience speaks for itself.
Jan 18, 2013
Undergraduate / RRR's IBA program; Motivation letter for applying university. [4]

Hi lunarfox,

I would be willing to help you with this, but I can't tell what program it is for. Also, was there an essay prompt? What is the purpose of the letter? If you can give me further details, my feedback would be better. Thanks!
Jan 18, 2013
Undergraduate / My special interest in ASD; Speech/Language Pathology -Purpose Essay [5]


Congrats on making the decision to pursue graduate studies in SLP. Obviously, you are an incredibly motivated candidate, and I would love to see you succeed. As you know, admissions are incredibly competitive, so your statement will have to be amazing as well. Here are my suggestions:

1. Be more specific about your goals. Are there any theories/intervention methods in particular that you would like to gain expertise in?What settings do you want to work in? Why? (i.e. School vs. Hospital). From your statement, I understand that you want to work with individuals with ASDs. That is an extremely broad goal. If you can narrow down your focus, your statement will be tighter.

2. There are several professions that help individuals with ASDs. Therefore, what is it about the SLP profession that motivates you? Show that you have an understanding of what the profession truly entails.

3. Avoid vague statements i.e. "Additionally, as a more mature student with experience of having a child with special needs, it
allows me to apply my experience to enhance my knowledge in the classroom." How exactly does having a child with special needs enhance knowledge in the classroom? and "teaching them compensatory strategies so they can do so and ultimately helping them live richer lives" I think a concrete example would be better i.e. " teach children how to use visual schedules, so they can participate in classroom settings". (I am sorry, this is off the top of my head...but hopefully you get the idea).

4. "Having gained my undergraduate degree in Speech Pathology and Audiology in 1999, some would think I have some knowledge that would help my son. No." Perhaps you want to build upon your existing knowledge, or further your knowledge, etc. This sentence sounds more like a personal weakness that I would avoid in a statement. Emphasize your strengths.

5. The last section on Hunter in particular could be better. Your description of the program could apply to any graduate program. Get into specifics. How would Hunter's program enhance your understanding of ASDs? Are there any faculty members that specialize in this topic, or are there any clinical affiliations that you would be interested in? Is there a strong pediatric focus?

I hope my comments make sense and are helpful. As much as passion and personal experiences are important, I think admission committees need to know that you are a serious, motivated, and hardworking individual with genuine professional goals. As a parent with a child with special needs, you are in an excellent position to advocate for further SLP resources and services that will not only benefit clients, but also their families. Good luck :)