Undergraduate / FIRST time I flew looking for a job; RICHMOND UNIVERSITY SUPP - Leaving Comfort zone [10]

Without knowing anything about these experiences:

I think job searching would be so much more relevant for University compared to flying alone. Job searching requires so many skills: initiative, interpersonal, communication, organizational etc. Job searching is more concrete as well ( a cause and effect type situation) and would make more sense in terms of "changing you". For example, " After searching for a job for the first time, I learned how to seek new opportunities and express my strengths more clearly, resulting in a position at X". For the flying situation, you may be stretching it a bit, " After flying alone for the first time, I became less fearful of new experiences and learned how to travel without my parents..."

Basically, the job searching sounds less lame. Again, I don't really know anything about your experiences, so I could be way off.

Letters / Cover Letter or Letter of motivation for MS in Petroleum Geoscience [9]

I see. I am not sure how you can be more "creative". I can only suggest to not be creative for the sake of being creative. Some people do have interesting stories/experiences/insights to begin with, but even those should be kept short and to the point. If your true motivation for entering into a master's program is to broaden your expertise in petroleum exploration and production, that is great! Good luck with your application.

Letters / Cover Letter or Letter of motivation for MS in Petroleum Geoscience [9]

I wouldn't change it to make it more creative. What is the prompt or question for the letter?

Letters / Cover Letter or Letter of motivation for MS in Petroleum Geoscience [9]

Hi,

I don't want to make things more confusing for you, but I MUCH preferred your original opening sentence,


versus your reworked sentence,


Many applicants try to come up with creative, "eye-catching" opening statements that will most likely only make the reader roll their eyes. There is no need to be profound or clever. When reading your original first line, I thought, " Oh cool. A candidate who can express their reasonable goals in a straightforward and concise manner". It is not boring...it is honest and makes complete sense. On the other hand, your second sentence made me go, "whaaat?". Not only is it overblown, but it also says nothing about you and why you are pursuing graduate studies. Faculty members don't appreciate gimmicks, they want serious students with sincere interests...which is exactly what your original opening conveyed.

Undergraduate / STUDY ABROAD PROGRAM; U Toronto-trinity supp/ extracurricular [3]


I know you are short on time, but perhaps rework your introduction. I am a firm believer in answering essay prompts explicitly and not deviating too much from what is asked. You begin with a nice story, but right away you aren't answering the question,


So what are your principle activities and interests beyond the classroom? Can you summarize your interests into a a couple sentences or a short paragraph?

Your third paragraph is confusing. You begin by stating some organizations that you would be interested in, but you don't go into detail after that. However, I like the structure of this, as it is answering the essay prompt more directly:


Also you mention "the first thing I will do as a junior is..". I would suggest putting that in the beginning of your paragraph...since it is the first thing you will do...

Basically, your third paragraph needs more structure. For example,

Extra-curricular/organization etc. will play "some role" in my life as a trinity student, because _________. I enjoy/ have experience with/ am passionate about etc. _________, and look forward to __________.

You don't need to list too many examples, just two or three strong ones to get your point across.

Graduate / COMPUTER APTITUDE; SOP - MS in Computer Science; Illinois [2]

Some suggestions:

1. Your introduction could be better. Trust me, the majority of applicants will begin their SOP by stating some sort of childhood fascination with their subject matter. So, not only is this a cliche manner of introducing yourself, it does nothing to indicate that you are serious about graduate work. Your motivation should be more professional at this stage. Typically, childhood experiences are not relevant for graduate school.

2. There is an imbalance to the SOP. So much of it is focused on the past and what you did do. How about the future? What do you plan do after graduate school and why?

3. You have a lot of experiences, activities etc. which is awesome but be careful in how you present that. It can sound like a resume. Reflect on how those experiences have prepared you for graduate work.

4. Do you have a faculty members you are interested in working with? It may be important to mention a couple and how your research interests align. No matter how great an applicant may be, if nobody is willing to supervise them they will not be accepted. Mentioning faculty interests may help your last paragraph as well. It is very vague and does not indicate that you know much about the program e.g.,


What is your goal? What principles? Be very specific.

Graduate / I excelled in mathematics and IT; SOP for Ms in Information Technology. [6]

You are very welcome. I sincerely hope you get in!

Graduate / I excelled in mathematics and IT; SOP for Ms in Information Technology. [6]


Avoid flowery statements or metaphors. Stating that you have a "love for" anything is a tad corny. You want to come across as a serious and motivated individual.


.


Again ...Is there another way you can say this?


Eliminate unnecessary wording such as "I believe" statements


Same issue as before. Why not just state " I will be an invaluable..."



Apologies if I sounded harsh. I can honestly say that this is one of the better statements I have ever read in terms of content (the writing could be clearer). You sound skilled and can back up your interests with concrete accomplishments. Furthermore, you reflect on your experiences and sound intelligent. Rework your somewhat bland introduction cheesy and be wary of those "I have always loved..." statements. Your experience speaks for itself.

Undergraduate / RRR's IBA program; Motivation letter for applying university. [4]

Hi lunarfox,

I would be willing to help you with this, but I can't tell what program it is for. Also, was there an essay prompt? What is the purpose of the letter? If you can give me further details, my feedback would be better. Thanks!

Undergraduate / My special interest in ASD; Speech/Language Pathology -Purpose Essay [5]

Hi,

Congrats on making the decision to pursue graduate studies in SLP. Obviously, you are an incredibly motivated candidate, and I would love to see you succeed. As you know, admissions are incredibly competitive, so your statement will have to be amazing as well. Here are my suggestions:

1. Be more specific about your goals. Are there any theories/intervention methods in particular that you would like to gain expertise in?What settings do you want to work in? Why? (i.e. School vs. Hospital). From your statement, I understand that you want to work with individuals with ASDs. That is an extremely broad goal. If you can narrow down your focus, your statement will be tighter.

2. There are several professions that help individuals with ASDs. Therefore, what is it about the SLP profession that motivates you? Show that you have an understanding of what the profession truly entails.

3. Avoid vague statements i.e. "Additionally, as a more mature student with experience of having a child with special needs, it
allows me to apply my experience to enhance my knowledge in the classroom." How exactly does having a child with special needs enhance knowledge in the classroom? and "teaching them compensatory strategies so they can do so and ultimately helping them live richer lives" I think a concrete example would be better i.e. " teach children how to use visual schedules, so they can participate in classroom settings". (I am sorry, this is off the top of my head...but hopefully you get the idea).

4. "Having gained my undergraduate degree in Speech Pathology and Audiology in 1999, some would think I have some knowledge that would help my son. No." Perhaps you want to build upon your existing knowledge, or further your knowledge, etc. This sentence sounds more like a personal weakness that I would avoid in a statement. Emphasize your strengths.

5. The last section on Hunter in particular could be better. Your description of the program could apply to any graduate program. Get into specifics. How would Hunter's program enhance your understanding of ASDs? Are there any faculty members that specialize in this topic, or are there any clinical affiliations that you would be interested in? Is there a strong pediatric focus?

I hope my comments make sense and are helpful. As much as passion and personal experiences are important, I think admission committees need to know that you are a serious, motivated, and hardworking individual with genuine professional goals. As a parent with a child with special needs, you are in an excellent position to advocate for further SLP resources and services that will not only benefit clients, but also their families. Good luck :)