Scholarship / Career goals-short and long term and how will training help me/SCHOLARSHIP [6]

Here is a revised version. It must be postmarked by 4/15 so any feedback or editing assistance is welcomed as this essay is a very important element of my application and the due date is approaching soon. Thanks

Here is part of the criteria:

*Applicants must be acquiring marketable skills that will increase their economic security.
*Applicants must be entering the work force after they receive their degree or certificate.

Here are the questions:

discuss in your own words your specific short term career goals and
specifically how this proposed training will help you to accomplish these goals. Please explain how
these apply to your long range career goals.

Several years ago, when I turned thirty with no health insurance, I was prompted to start inquiring about nutrition and self healing modalities. It was not long before I was fully engaged in the process of researching and studying whatever I could get my hands on about mind/body medicine. Over the next couple of years it became a full-time endeavor of compiling the knowledge that led to my sincere interest in making health accessible to people on an everyday basis and my current career plan. My overall plan is to finish my degree, owing the least amount possible, so I can start my own business and thereby contribute to my community.

My short term career goal is to start my own wellness coaching practice. I will focus on yoga, hypnosis, meditation and nutrition. I have the intelligence, drive and caring nature to make a good living this way. Friends and family have been coming to me for advice on supplements, diet and meditation for several years now so I feel confident in my abilities to connect with people and assist them in making healthy changes in their lives.

I have already started to take the necessary steps to ensure my career success. For example, in the most recent years I attended both an extensive year long yoga teacher training and a professional hypnotherapy certification course. Also integral to this plan is finishing my Bachelor's degree. This is an important piece, not only because it is important to study the latest nutrition information, but also because it is the clearest path to advancement of my career. I plan to focus on the study of nutrition at Goddard College. Successful completion of my degree increases my skills and adds credibility to my name. Recent studies have shown that obtaining a Bachelor's degree will lower my rate of unemployment and nearly doubles my annual income from that of someone without a degree. For me, this fact solidifies the goal of completing my degree. I firmly believe that having a Bachelor's Degree will make me more equipped with the necessary skills and will directly increase my ability to get clients and have a successful business.

To do so with less debt is an integral part of this plan. It will greatly increase my ability to enter the workforce by not taking on a burdensome amount of school debt. Though, it is considered a necessary spending, I am doing all that I can to keep the amount of debt that I owe to a minimum. It is important to create the right environment for starting my business at every step of the way so that when I have accomplished this part of my goal, I am ready to take the next step and can do so with a firm footing.

My talents lie in making what may seem complicated or unobtainable into a foreseeable and attainable goal. I like to make things and ideas accessible to others. I want to teach people how to be successful in making the changes they want to make and how to make those healthy choices for themselves every day. In the next five to ten years I could see myself joining forces with other professional holistic practitioners to open up a wellness center for people in recovery from addictions. To accomplish this I plan to pursue courses in therapeutic nutrition and the necessary certifications along the way. While in school I plan to work with a local shelter, offering coaching services to their clients. This will be beneficial to all as I will acquire valuable experience while providing support to those in need. Additionally, I can also use this experience for credit at Goddard as the Health Arts and Sciences program focuses on community involvement.

My journey to a fulfilling career began with one foot in front of the other and has gained momentum to one leap and then the next. I eagerly anticipate each new phase and feel confident that my own unique understanding of wellness will be a valuable resource to many. I need only now the resources to make it happen.

Scholarship / Career goals-short and long term and how will training help me/SCHOLARSHIP [6]

Thanks DR Cool for the feedback. I actually agree with you and your examples were helpful, but...one of the criteria for the scholarship is that I "acquire marketable skills that will increase my economic security and plan to enter the workforce immediately after getting my degree". I was trying to address these criteria in the text of my essay. Does this change your perspective on my use of these sentences?

Undergraduate / Ignored my gut instincts; Readmission essay/low grades&wrong major [2]

I think this is a good start. Your answer seems well thought out and has a lot of examples which makes it personal and effective.

Here are a couple of things I noticed:

-Though as a total I think it projects accurately the points you are making...There are a few questions here and I kind of lose track of if you have answered each question specifically.

It may be helpful for you, for organization of your essay and overall readability, to pick out of this essay what you intended to be your answer to each of the four questions so that you are sure to make each point.

-Personally, I would reorganize your paragraphs based on the questions. The first paragraph could be an intro to your main points but may not be entirely necessary depending on your preference of style (reads like an essay or simply but thoughtfully answers the questions in a direct way). Below are some editing ideas based on your current format. If you submit another draft I will make an effort to check it out and offer advice.

Undergraduate / I'd like to become a Performer Entrepreneur; NYU/Statement of Intent [4]

This, to me, looks like a good start. But here are a few notes:

-You will definitely need to state your intent. I do not see it here. I would call this the body of your essay more so than the first paragraph. Also, it is too long to be just one paragraph. This is often how I start writing too. Get out all my ideas and then hone in on the question and figure out from there what to use, delete and add to answer the question. For example, you may not end up needing (or having enough words) to use the part about Eminem-unless, as I mentioned above you say how he influenced you to do the work that you do or how he relates to the performer entrepeneur aspect of your goals.

- I might focus a bit more on this part of the question. "or do you hope to develop - that will allow you to succeed as your chosen type of entrepreneur" At this point you have not addressed it, so if you do add it in you will need to at least reference it in this first part somewhere to tie it all together. For instance, in an introductory sentence or paragraph addressing why you are applying, maybe.

Writing Feedback / The idea of replacing the old building is not acceptable [3]

This is overall a good job, I think. You could use a grammar clean up but I think this is a strong essay. I do find the beginning to be a little hard to grasp-meaning, in my opinion, you may want to reword it somehow but maybe others will disagree with me. The clarity of those first lines may be more clear to your reader or whom ever you are ultimately writing this for but it depends on the full instructions of the assignment and for what class and stuff like that. You could make a much stronger point by including some statistics (for instance you say that it costs less to keep old buildings but how much less or in which ways or you could contrast the two sides with some numbers) or use a quote(like from a historian talking about the value of archetechture or poetry about old buildings.

A couple things:

-Correct punctuation calls for 2 spaces after a period. I made these changes below. I also cleaned up some of the grammar, that I noticed as I read through.

-The first part of this sentence does not agree with the second part-it should be reworded - To deal with this situation, I think the government should not replace them with modern buildings.

-This should be reworded into its own sentence -and lesson learn that the country had ever been occupied and we should not repeat the history in the future.

-If you start using "first" then you need to follow up by using "second"
- to establish a contemporary building -Do you mean a new building with contemporary design or just a new building?
-the government spending would be saved -spending does not get saved so here I would say the government would save money that could be focused...

Undergraduate / What characteristics or perspectives do you possess that make you unique? [2]

From my interpretation, your essay does not actually answer the question of how you are unique. This reads to me as more of a list of your traits and feelings about different things. Your one sentence toward the end referencing the original question does not resolve the issue. Personally, I think that your honesty about who you are hints more to me about your uniqueness than what is written here. So here are some of my thoughts:

-You could possibly take one or several of your traits and elaborate on how the way that you do it is different. Unique is defined as distinguishing, alone, separate, odd, distinct. One idea, of the top of my head, is..."I am a dreamer and not a lot of people are dreamers anymore" or " our society moves to fast for dreamers" See where I am going with this?? It is essential to tell the reader not only how you are different but put it into context for them as well-why is it different to be a dreamer.

-If you choose not to alter your approach to this essay, which I do recommend, I would most definitely take out all of the lines about not being able to work in groups -all the way to "I am a dreamer". It reads to me as a negative way to start off an essay.

-Correct punctuation calls for 2 spaces after periods.
- I do like the idea of including a quote but I am not sure that this one says what you want it to say? Maybe, if in the rewrite of this essay you are more focused on your uniqueness. If you are in love with this quote...Maybe you could start with it?? Maybe something like this:

Everyone is unique, maybe some people don't know that. There's a quote by Edward Young that I like: "We are all born originals - why is it so many of us die copies?" (please check a reference site or book for correct punctuation of a quote as I may not have it right here)

Book Reports / A Summary of Tim O'Brient's "The Things They Carried" ; SYNOPSIS FOR THE SHORT STOR [2]

Ok, I read the entire essay but only have time to comment on the first paragraph, right now. So I hope this helps.
Overall, I thought your insight about the story was good but here are some suggestions:
-There are quite a few spelling and punctuation errors to fix that would help to make it not only correct but also more easily understandable. I corrected some of the major ones below.

-I put in parentheses the words or phrases that I would delete.
-I would add more discussion to or reword the second sentence or move it to somewhere else in the essay.

The story "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien (talks a) is about Lieutenant (m,) Jim Cross, and his love (to)for a girl named Martha. Good idea but I would move this someplace else. ( that he carry her letters, photographs, and her love.) As story goes on it describes (and name varies) ammunition that Cross's troop carry (as standard operation procedures) as well as some necessities such as food, can opener, pocket knives, heat tabs and others to cope with the weather. They carried one another, wounded or weak, they carried diseases. While these are physical things they are carrying, there are others things they carry such as fear from dying, fear from showing the fear itself and emotions, (or) memories of their families (and) loved ones.