Posts by sogeily
Joined: Jun 10, 2013 |
Last Post: Jun 24, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 5
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From: United States of America
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Displayed posts: 7
Undergraduate /
Strength. Dedication. Discipline. Honor. Pride - (nomination prompt) [4]
This is a good prompt but in your introduction you mentioned some characteristics that you only briefly talked about in the paragraph about Tang Soo Do. That paragraph is basically stating how long you've done Tang Soo Do and what you've learned from it, but I don't think it really describes WHY you want to attend a service academy? I think you should cut that entire paragraph out because you'll have other chances in your application to brag and talk yourself up on your extracurriculars. As for the paragraph about you living in fear after 9/11 you should really consider if that's true because the admissions board will be able to see through any false pretenses.
Go into more detail about WHY you want to be an officer. There's other ways to become an officer so why do you want to go to a service academy rather than become an officer through other means? Undergraduate /
State Drill Competition; Testing leadership abilities/ COMMON APP [3]
This is a short 250 word prompt asking me "Have you ever overcome an obstacle that demonstrates your leadership abilities? If so, describe."
Please critique and help me make changes, I feel as though it's very choppy with rough transitions but it was hard to make it flow with such a limited amount of words.
Drill Competition
This past year my leadership was tested at a State Drill Competition. My exhibition platoon was the first team of the day to compete. There were many freshmen on the team who had never been to states and experienced such a stressful environment. We were warming up an hour before we had to compete when one of our squad members accidentally snapped a rifle in half. To top it off we had no extra replacement rifles. Needless to say we were all in a frenzy but our drill instructor took the news the worst. He went on a never-ending rant cussing us all out. He was telling us that there was nothing we could do and that we were going to have to forfeit. As commander I took it upon myself to go against his will and do my best to fix the rifle. I told him that yelling wasn't going to fix the problem, then I asked him for the keys to the car so I could go fix the rifle myself. Angry that I stood up to him, he chucked the keys at my face. I ended up gorilla gluing and duck taping the rifle back together. It may not have looked "pretty", but it got the job done. I pulled my teams morale together and made them stop crying long enough to practice and go perform. We ended up getting second place in the entire state. That's the highest any team in Collier County has ever placed.
Undergraduate /
"That Flag Day"-Wisconsin Madison PS/ Enrich community [4]
I don't want to sound harsh, but your entire prompt completely strayed off topic. Your initial sentence was a good way to start, but the middle of the prompt strayed off topic. You went into detail about a specific event that has happened rather than discussing what you'll bring to the university. The entire prompt was centered around an anecdote, the only time you actually referred to the prompt at hand was the very last sentence. I suggest you start from scratch.
Writing Feedback /
It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents job [3]
The entire first sentence doesn't make sense, it should be reworded in some way.The point you made in your second paragraph is refutable. You say if a kid wants to be more successful than their parent then they must have a different job. But a parent may be the CEO of a important company while their kid may decide to have a different job of being a server at McDonalds. So you see, different does not necessarily mean better. You also need to check a lot of you grammar, go back and capitalize evferything after a period. Undergraduate /
Freedom is not free; Why do you want to attend a service academy (nomination prompt) [4]
The prompt is "Why do you want to attend a service academy" and it's a prompt to get a nomination to a service academy. It has to be 250 words or less but I have 310, can someone help me cut out things that aren't necessary?Military Freedom
Freedom is not free. As cliché as that may sound, the meaning behind those powerful words is undeniable. Attending a service academy is the ultimate beginning to my future plans of serving my country. I am ready for the challenges that academy and military life has to offer. I crave to be challenged mentally, morally and physically. In addition, I strive to uphold the highest ideals of honor, determination and selfless service. I'm intimidated by the fear of being average; in other words I'm never complacent with myself because there is always room to grow. I'm a motivated individual who is constantly on the pursuit to better myself both mentally and physically. My thirst for knowledge has led me to a service academy. The irrefutable prestige that comes with attending a service academy is a small feat compared to the sacrifice that it takes to get there. There are many factors that have influenced my desire to attend a service academy ranging from free tuition to graduating with a guaranteed job as an officer. Furthermore, service academies provide once in a life time opportunities to attain top of the line education for free while guaranteeing you with a job as an officer upon graduation. This suits me perfectly because I aspire to become an officer in the Military. Serving our country is a sacred act that isn't for the faint-hearted. I'm more than willing to put my life on the line to protect my country. Robert Greenleaf once said, "Good leaders must first become good servants." Attending a service academy will instill me to be a good follower so that I can be a good leader in the military. I have a higher calling to serve my country which has steered me towards attending a service academy to seek the mantle of leadership and success.
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