madisongreen
Aug 26, 2013
Undergraduate / I was never sure of myself; UT Austin/ circumstance, obstacle or conflict [3]
The concept for your essay is a great topic. I would suggest juicing up the vocabulary a little bit and maybe work on your transition between sentences. Also I feel like your essay lacks a little organization and needs to be at least a paragraph longer. Try creating a really strong thesis sentence that you are going to try to prove using at least two really strong examples as evidence for the thesis. Really expand on these examples and allow your own thought process to make connections to the prompt and your thesis. Also leave out anything that might hurt your argument or really doesn't help it, even if it is true. I wouldnt include that you didnt win the film contest. In your conclusion try to really emphasize how you have overcome your problem and discuss how you have become a better person or something like that. Say something really profound or make an intriguing observation that leaves the readers dazzled.
I'm having to write those dreaded 3 essays too and I'm really struggling with essay c, which I thought would be the easiest. By the way i did like your essay and im sorry for sounding so critical. Anywho I. would really appreciate it if you would read my essay and offer your suggestions. And God luck with UT!!
The concept for your essay is a great topic. I would suggest juicing up the vocabulary a little bit and maybe work on your transition between sentences. Also I feel like your essay lacks a little organization and needs to be at least a paragraph longer. Try creating a really strong thesis sentence that you are going to try to prove using at least two really strong examples as evidence for the thesis. Really expand on these examples and allow your own thought process to make connections to the prompt and your thesis. Also leave out anything that might hurt your argument or really doesn't help it, even if it is true. I wouldnt include that you didnt win the film contest. In your conclusion try to really emphasize how you have overcome your problem and discuss how you have become a better person or something like that. Say something really profound or make an intriguing observation that leaves the readers dazzled.
I'm having to write those dreaded 3 essays too and I'm really struggling with essay c, which I thought would be the easiest. By the way i did like your essay and im sorry for sounding so critical. Anywho I. would really appreciate it if you would read my essay and offer your suggestions. And God luck with UT!!