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Posts by mrth
Joined: Nov 6, 2013
Last Post: Dec 21, 2013
Threads: 3
Posts: 10  
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From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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mrth   
Dec 21, 2013
Undergraduate / Syracuse - who/what influenced ; dream person; work experience;real-world experiences [4]

I'm less concerned about mechanical errors (still point them out if you see them) but please let me know if I sound cliche, repetitive, rambly, generic, or I'm not addressing the question well enough. Thank you!

Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University
Growing up in a college town has influenced me to seek out other strong academic schools rich in opportunity and diversity. However, after living in such a small town for the bulk of my life, I'm much more interested in schools with a city setting, which can offer even greater opportunities. After researching the school, I think that Syracuse University could be a good fit for me, as I believe that diversity, real-world experience, and a dynamic environment are key in my college selection process.

Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?
I hope to open my mind and experience as much as I can during my college years. Syracuse University's city setting and study abroad programs appeal to me because I believe that they offer a multitude of impacting opportunities. I would not only receive an excellent education, but also gain a much richer understanding of the individuals who share this earth with me.

If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
When I worked at the University of Illinois Law Library, all I had to do was move books and trash old ones. Most of the time, I was sitting in a room alone tearing up books that needed to be recycled. While others were relying on me to finish the job, I still had complete autonomy. Ultimately, I could have slacked off and no one probably would have noticed, but I chose to rip up books for hours because I knew that it needed to be done. I learned that, 1) I would like to avoid having a monotonous job later in my life, and 2) Responsibility means that I must stay dedicated to my goal even if others aren't watching.

Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of the University's Mission, Scholarship in Action?

I aspire to take on a more active role in life, as I feel like I have sunken into routine in many ways, and I haven't been able to express myself as much as I've wanted. This includes becoming more involved in my education, because I can think of too many times when a class has been simply taking notes and copying answers from a textbook. Studying abroad sits high on my list of priorities, and I believe it will provide a refreshing change of pace as well as open my mind to new experiences.
mrth   
Nov 8, 2013
Undergraduate / CA Prompt #1: Unique background or experience - The immigrant experience and progress. [3]

I heard many other stories in debates between my relatives over who had a harder life growing up and how they overcame that.

This is a vague statement, especially compared to the previous sentence, which is very descriptive. I'm not saying you have to spend a paragraph describing it, but using more specific words would help engage the reader more.

comfortable in any of these roads, but hopeful that someday they would merge into one

These two statements kind of contradict each other, so explain why you would want them to merge...?

Today, it is not difficult to turn on the television set and hear politicians bluntly express their views of those at the bottom of the social-economic ladder; these are self-proclaimed experts on the experience, lives, and contributions of immigrants, minorities, and the poor; declaring, with conviction, the role each of us should play in society in our country.

Very smart and well-worded, however it's pretty long. I'd break it up somewhere and make 2 or 3 sentences.

and have tried to contribute

Delete the "tried", just say you've contributed. It comes off as stronger.

I am truly excited about my future, and I cannot wait until the fall of 2014.

I think this conclusion sounds a bit cliche, I liked where you were headed in the previous sentence. Talking about exploration and such is a nice way to end.

I really liked your essay! It was well thought out, personal, and unique. However there are some points where you are a bit vague
mrth   
Nov 8, 2013
Undergraduate / I arrived at O.R. Tambo airport in South Africa; background or story [2]

The seatbelts signs have been switched off, tray tables, stowed and my seat is upright.

A bit confusing. Did you mean the tray tables were stowed away? And, to flow better with the next sentence, maybe say "the plane has landed" or something like that.

future holds

held

I was a bit scared at first because as a thirteen year old boy, moving to another country alone was not at the top of my to-do list as I never expected to leave Nigeria for education until University moreover at that time, foreigners in South Africa were being attacked at the time because of xenophobia and this didn't do any good to my nerves but here I was and there was no turning back until holidays so I had to make sure I made the most of my opportunity.

This sentence could do with some chopping up, it's very long and hard to follow

one thing became clear to me, if there is one thing they love more than anything

,one thing became clear to me:

my opponents, mercilessly

my opponents: mercilessly

instil

=instill

Overall, you've told a very unique story that I think will stand out against other sports-central essays. However, at the end, I would suggest connecting back to the impact Rugby has had in your life. Relate it back to tackling your fears, and how you intend to tackle challenges in America. Good luck!
mrth   
Nov 8, 2013
Undergraduate / Being Chinese and adopted ; Central to IDENTITY [4]

Thank you so much! I'm glad I didn't come off as too whiny, which is what I was so afraid of.
Somehow I feel that "un-Chinese" is the best way I can convey the feeling. Like, instead of just not having that culture, it was kind of stripped away from me. Idk. But I appreciate all your help pointing out the mechanical errors, and for giving me a little ego boost. ^^
mrth   
Nov 8, 2013
Undergraduate / I turn to the language of creativity; Extracurricular Activity [4]

A certainly creative and illustrative statement, however your message gets lost in the phrasing at times. Here are some examples:

What once was a mere imagination transformed into a tangible fantasy as my brush plunged into a realm of possibilities.
The wording is really confusing. Try maybe "What was once mere imagination has transformed into a tangible fantasy, my brush plunging into a realm of possibilities." Something like that...

mainly with my
I feel like that should be "such as"
mrth   
Nov 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Common App essay on failure: finding confidence through Model UN [4]

I totally did not.
The phrasing is a bit informal, and breaks up the flow of your essay.

Long story short
I tend to avoid that phrase, since it's vague. It's like your friend telling you they have a secret, but won't tell you. Idk. That's just how I feel about phrases like that in essays haha.

And when I realized
I think you can drop the "and"

Although a common piece of advice is to be "you," I believe that my former personality wasn't the best version of myself, nor was it the best I could become.

Very smart, I really like this part!

it hasn't magically revealed my destined future career. After all, fairy godmothers don't exist. We create our own future, and we are living it every day.

Again, a really nice touch.

I there there are just a few errors in fluency, but I think your essay is original, lighthearted, and unique. Good luck :D
mrth   
Nov 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Students and Staff ; unique qualities of Northwestern [4]

Be as critical as you can! Besides mechanical errors, please let me know if I could use a stronger tone, assess the prompter better, be more specific, etc. Also, I hit word limit and I wanted to elaborate on the 1st paragraph more... whoops.

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (250 words)

I paid my first visit to a college at Northwestern, prospects for my future in clouded disarray. The high ranking, academic rigor, and situation near the lively city of Chicago both intimated and excited me. My tour guides, close friends, guided me through the beautiful campus, growing nostalgic about their experiences at the school. I felt at home at Northwestern.

I was overwhelmed by all the new information hitting me at once. The students and staff embraced what I felt was unpreparedness, anxiety. Rather than stiff commitment, they promoted the exploration of interests. With some pressure relieved by this revelation, I began to connect some of the unspoken ambitions that lurked throughout my mind.

I believe everyone should approach others with an open mind; everyone has a unique story, and none should be overlooked. I aspire to study the interactions of people, learn about history as well as how to shape the future, and experience as many cultures as I can. I also want to find myself invigorated by new passions.

At the Weinberg College of Arts & Sciences, I will take advantage of the multitude of opportunities abroad and interning, opportunities inaccessible in smaller institutions. However, Northwestern also appeals to me for its personal feel. Every individual I met was helpful, vibrant. Fiercely determined, but not cutthroat academics. The smaller classes would allow me to excel without feeling restricted. The environment at Northwestern provides just the right balance for me to find myself, explore my passions, and construct my future.
mrth   
Nov 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Standing motionless at the white doorway, I stared at rows of unfamiliar faces; Purdue Uni [4]

After every relocating
should be relocation

Honestly, I don't see any problems with your essay structurally/grammatically. It addresses the prompt well. However, I think that since you have moved so much and you mentioned nostalgia, you should include little bits of your travels. It would add more interest for the reader. I feel as if your essay is a little bare bones. You've described what happened and how it has changed you, but you should elaborate more on the process. This is just my opinion, but other than that I think you're a great writer, be confident! :)

Check out mine if you can.
mrth   
Nov 7, 2013
Undergraduate / My grandpa doesn't get out of his little shell ; perfectly content [2]

I don't think you need to take out the contractions, since this isn't a formal research paper. It's meant to be your personal story told in your voice.

making going places difficult.
I don't think this part flows well, maybe say traveling or leaving?

However going there is deeper than that.
I don't think it's going there that is deeper, wouldn't it be your satisfaction that goes deeper?

I like your usage of "sanctuary" and "castle" :)

Overall, I think this essay is very clear and full of good imagery. Good luck getting into your college!

Check mine out too if you can?
mrth   
Nov 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Seven simple characters, held in place by a cultural undertone; COMMON APP [2]

Ahh, neopets. Those were the days.

Connecting to its Sanskrit roots, Akshith means, forever, permanent, and everlasting. For the longest period time this was what I understood my name to be, but experiences offer a new perspective...

the comma after "means" is unnecessary, and I would use just a period instead of the "..." at the end. However, I really like this part!

When nothing seemed to work I sat back
Comma after "work"

My name, which I held so dearly, continually lost its value, and it began to appear as a mere label rather than a characterization of who I was.

Hmm, maybe drop the "and", making two separate sentences? Again, I really like the phrasing of this.

process ensued around me
I think the wording is a bit awkward.

but instead I am Akshith, the boy who wants be able to reach his goals.
I think dropping the "but" would make this part more concise. End your essay strong!

Overall, your essay is great. Very unique (my only qualms are in the fluency) and entertaining. Good luck!
mrth   
Nov 7, 2013
Undergraduate / BASE BALL - Common App- Northwestern and John's Hopkins [4]

baseball is a game that is defined off statistics, failures, and achievements.
Here, I would say "baseball is a game defined by..."

When I was 14 my coach suggested that I see a pitching coach as many coaches
When I was 14,
a pitching coach, as

potential, potential, which, if nurtured correctly, could truly amount
potential; which, if nurtured

Okay I don't want to nitpick, because honestly it's your call. But I'm seeing a lot of long sentences that (I think) you could make more concise. Other than that, I think the content is solid. Good luck!

Also take a look at my essay if you want to?
mrth   
Nov 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Being Chinese and adopted ; Central to IDENTITY [4]

#1: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Please help with mechanical errors! And if you've got the time, help me assess whether this addresses the prompt well enough and sounds strong. I'm not the most confident writer...

I'll help with any of your essays too, make sure to comment.

Since childhood, I have known that being Chinese and adopted set me apart from others, even in my own family. Growing up in a university town, being Asian was not a rarity, but I endured my fair share of abuse early on. Despite my physical appearance, English was my first language. I ate American-style Chinese take out. I wore Gap hand me downs. I felt similarly as American as I felt un-Chinese. Connecting with the culture I was born with and the one I was raised with was seemingly impossible. Even more, relating to my family has always been difficult. Partly because of the ethnic and social stigmas I carried that none of them could possibly empathize with, and the odd dynamic I created in the family upon my arrival. My brothers have been around together for longer, and share the same father. As for my mother, who raised me alone, the huge generational gap was evident; our morals and personalities simply clashed. When my brothers grew up and moved away and my mom got remarried, my connection with them grew limited and I became more prone to conflict with my mom. My family's arrangement just didn't seem to be cut for me. This disconnection I have experienced in my family and in society has forced me to question who I really am and ultimately, where I belong.

Whether it's within my own family or society, I have never felt included. I'm the perpetual foreigner in a country that I have lived in for nearly my entire life. My knowledge of Chinese culture is limited. When my other family members reminisce, I am often left alone. I have no relation to the man whose last name I bear. People have more expectations about what I should be, in their eyes, than I felt I knew about myself. This struggle has cultivated the aspiration to understand that I believe is truly central to my identity. This ambition manifests in my actions in many ways: I want nothing more than to learn about peoples' struggles, their backgrounds, and what makes them tick; I can spend hours talking to someone about their childhood, or researching a person I find interesting; I would rather not speak at all than participate in vapid small talk. Academically, I'm not the type who can storm through an assignment just to get it completed. I've lost countless hours of sleep just trying to grasp a concept or correctly solve a problem. I dedicate much of my time in thought.

What many fail to realize is that there is more to a person than the circumstances that they are dealt with. My ethnicity and family situation caused experiences that have shaped my identity, but they do not define me as a person. Years ago, I questioned why my race and appearance were at expense. As time wore on, the taunts seemed superficial and repetitive to me. I eventually came to realize that society's preconceptions do not define your worth. Struggling to connect with my Asian and American cultures has made me fascinated with other peoples' backgrounds. My family struggle has been the hardest, and many times I have felt stuck and hopeless where I am. However, in spite of how out of place I feel, I try to see past the surface and connect a person's story to their actions. I believe that keeping an open mind is one of the most essential qualities a person can exhibit. Having experienced first hand the many different individuals around me, I hope to change the way we as humans interact with each other. I want to have an impact, and helping others who have gone through similar struggles as my own is how I will find my place in the world.
mrth   
Nov 6, 2013
Undergraduate / The true beauty of Northwestern ; Northwestern Supp;A TOOL FOR CHANGE [3]

political and social movements either in the most obvious of ways I think the "either" is a bit awkward and unnecessary here.

Yet, to have such power, The "yet" can also be dropped

I am yearn Oops. You meant yearning, right? haha

Just some small technical things. Also, the words impregnate and throb are a bit, idk, awkward. I don't mean in an immature, haha way but the words sound a bit bulky? But that's just a personal thing.

But overall, great essay, very passionate! Good luck :)
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