Graduate / SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering [14]

I think that Sean is saying that the sentences are running a little long with small, filler words. You have many strong and active verbs, but some weak verbs too. I don't think that the SOP is too long, but tightening those sentences will help it to be stronger overall.


Let me use this sentence as an example . . . You use the word part three times and industry twice. To be and was are weak verbs. I am not sure how I would rewrite it.


This sentence is a little easier for me to rewrite: From information technology to pharmaceutical sciences, manufacturing plays a prominent role in business. It says the same thing, only more succinctly. The revision also brings the sentence into the present tense that Sean mentioned and omits the weak verb was. I changed part to role for a little more word variety. I took out the phrase "if you had a product" because the sentence doesn't need that as a qualifier. True, business could include the service industries and not necessarily require a product to sell or manufacturing, but a SOP doesn't need to get bogged down in semantics.

That was a pretty long paragraph to explain how I'd revise, but I wanted you to get the gist of how to strengthen this on your own. You obviously have a faculty with words and I don't want to rewrite without telling you why I would make revisions.


Here's another quick example to get you started on some revisions . . . You could just as easily say; I enhanced my knowledge of the field. Was able to doesn't add anything to the sentence and bogs the reader down with the little words.

There are a few other spots that are a little awkward or wordy, but you certainly are on the right track.

Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]

I looked it up too. I was pretty sure that it was "past," but I wanted to be positive before making that claim, *grin*.

Undergraduate / "My Mom" - help with most influential person essay. [9]

With only 250 words, they don't give you much room to be descriptive (your essay is at 254 words right now). You are going to need to make every word count.

You finish by saying that your mom has made you a strong-minded scholar, but there isn't anything in the body of the essay to indicate HOW she did that. Did she drill you with flash cards before spelling tests? Did she learn calculus so she could help you with your homework? Was she waiting at home with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk when you got home from school?

You have a few more traits in the second essay, but still not a lot of life. Has your mom done things that are above and beyond what a typical mother does? What kinds of roles did she take on that might be out of the range of a typical mom? Is she a single mother (and thus taking on some of the responsibilities of a father as well)? Try to use your words to show how much your mom loves you.

I agree with Liebe's suggestion to get right to the point (Liebe's suggestions and observations are always right on the mark--pay attention to what he has to say). Readers don't need to know that a lot of people influenced your life. We don't want to imagine your first-grade teacher, your Little League coach, the next-door neighbor that paid you to mow the lawn, the parish priest, Barney the purple dinosaur, or your first boss . . . we want to hear about you mom. Obviously you are close to her. State your admiration immediately and succinctly.

With an essay this short, you might want to state your person, give a reason/value/lesson, and then back it up with an example before providing a sentence that wraps things up. Let's see . . . your mom taught you to work hard, finish what you start, to think before you act, and to learn from problems.

My mother has taught me some of the same traits and some that are different. If I were to write an essay of this nature about my mom, it might look something like this:

The most influential person is my life is undoubtedly my mother. She takes the responsibility of raising a son seriously and works diligently to instill values. Education is a priority in our home. When I was young, my mother read to me for hours on end, quizzed me for my weekly spelling tests, and answered my myriad questions. As I grew older, she brought me to the library, provided a quiet place to study, and taught me how to use reference materials to find the answers to questions on my own. Alongside this academic foundation, my mom provided a moral grounding with life lessons designed to teach perseverance and responsibility. Although helping with household repairs felt like a chore, I realize now that I was learning to take care of my own home one day. My mom brought home a ceiling fan once and asked me to install it. The task seemed overwhelming, but my mom insisted that I read the directions, look up helpful hints on the Internet, and gather the needed tools. Within a few hours, we watched the ceiling fan spin around with pride showing on both of our faces. Time spent cooking at my mother's side and sorting out light-colored laundry not only taught me life skills, but enabled me to spend time with my mother and know her better outside of her role as a caretaker. She is an amazing woman and her influence has helped me to be a competent and confident young man.

That came in at exactly 250 words. Even though my mom is not super-human and has not had to overcome any great obstacles in my upbringing, the essay still gives some examples of HOW my mom has taught me and the time/care she has put into her role as mother. My mom has taught me other things (or tried to, *grin*), but I focused on the academics and household chores so that I could give examples.

The people on this thread are trying to push you to give a little more, share some examples, enliven your mom with your words. As it stands, it is a generic essay, but not because you are writing about your mother. It is a generic essay because it is in black and white instead of living color.

Undergraduate / 'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school [17]


Wrong word here . . . you want past instead of pass. The word is functioning as a preposition here and you need past.


Generally you will want to spell out numbers (especially if they are small numbers or short words . . . different style guides have different rules, but they will all tell you to spell out the number one).


The word order makes it sound like the stretcher was covered in blood. I am sure that the stretcher was bloody, but it almost sounds like a bloodied stretcher was reused. It is really the young adult that was covered in blood.


I would go with "had" instead of have. The sentence sounds fine, but something is telling me that you need the past-perfect verb here. Assuming at least that the action took place and was completed in the past.


Because you have already used a form of the word "stem" in conjunction with bleeding, I would use a different word here. How about "stanch"?


The first part of this sentence gets bogged down in the little words. How about rewording it to something like: It was rewarding to help the patient . . .

Good work!

Essays / Essay about why the 4th of july is celebrated? [7]

"The only birthday I ever commemorate, is that of our Independence, the Fourth of July." ~Thomas Jefferson, 1801

That sounds like a fun prompt. Is it for a class? How long does it need to be? MLA citations or not? Sorry to ask so many questions. As I try to improve my own writing, I have been tackling some of these prompts. It helps if I know a little more about the directions and the purpose.

Grammar, Usage / In Need Of Writing Resources! [12]

Economist . . . you were the person asking about vocabulary building as well . . . right?

I forgot about one of my favorite resources. freerice.org. They have vocab quizzes that I enjoy (they have some in geography, art, and foreign languages too). They don't use the words in sentences, but it is still helpful to learn more precise definitions to words that you thought you knew and to recognize patterns.

Student Talk / Eye surgery messed up my grades and I couldn't attend the dates of the exams (second chance appeal) [14]

I just read the Newt thread. Sean helped you with the essay and showed you how to cite sources. He even told you, that as written, it could be considered plagiarism. I really think that your best bet is to plead ignorance and ask for the opportunity to rewrite the paper--with citations--for more credit. You have got to lose the attitude though if you want the profs to do anything for you. If you are having trouble with three out of your four professors, it appears that there is something wrong with the way you interpret instructions, your attitude, your work/exam grades, or a combination of all three. This isn't the first semester you have had issues either.

Honestly? College may not be for you. Regardless of what Obama says, I personally don't feel that our national goal should be a higher education for everyone. You are the person who needs to decide. You'll need to figure out the game if you plan to stay. You need to go to classes, have a positive attitude, follow instructions, and study for exams. Maybe you would be better off if you worked and only took one class at a time until you feel able to tackle more. What about on-line classes? Would that be easier for you or even more difficult?

Simone has already given you some good advice on writing an appeal. Think it through. Think through where you need to take responsibility for your actions, ask for another chance (with a method of making things right), and hope for the best.

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

You sound like an amazing and enthusiastic person, but I agree with Simone here. This essay could benefit from being toned down a tad. I think that you need to focus on a few strengths that are relevant to the program instead of submitting the grandiose essay you have now.

Let's see . . . you were:
President of your class at school
You are a television star
You won the physics olympics
You've been a newspaper editor (and are a published author in a US newspaper)
You implemented a Constitution for your school
You work closely with the US embassy
You have won an academic award for an essay
You've won an award for you singing
And another in swimming

With a list like this, people might start to wonder just how small Kyrgyzstan is. Are you really that talented in so many areas or just a big fish in a small pond . . . Eliminate the ones that aren't important to your field. Unless you are being offered a swimming scholarship or plan to study performing arts, I would drop the bits about aquatics and singing.

Temper your language as well. When you say you worked closely with the US Embassy, some people might have a different idea of what "closely" means. Either substantiate an example of drop the word "closely."

You have some pretty lofty goals and plans. You would be best to temper the language here as well. Even Obama talked about "hope" before he was elected. As he was campaigning, Obama was still talking about hope. You can state your goals, but your word choice comes across as too strong and cocky for a kid still in school.

I won't go into any of the grammar at this point as I feel there is still some rewriting to do.

Writing Feedback / 1st essay in 13 years. Disadvantages that working mothers give to their children [12]

First, best of luck with your return to the academic world. Don't take any criticism I offer here personally . . . I am just giving my impressions.

You start off with an awful lot of questions. I thought that it was the prompt I was reading at first. When you begin with so many questions, you are allowing the reader to come up with their own answers. With a persuasive essay, you don't want the reader forming opinions before you have even started. Tell the reader what you think, support your opinion, offer up what the opposition says, refute or deflate the opposition's position, then reiterate your own opinion. Bring the reader to your side. Persuade the reader.


This sentence is awkward. Generally speaking, you won't use the first or second person in an essay. Think about the way you see newspaper and magazine articles . . . the writers don't use the word "I" or "we" (unless it is a humor or editorial piece). The "child (ren)" is awkward as well. It would be best to reword a sentence like that so that you didn't need to include any oddly-formatted words. "A mothers working" should have an apostrophe, but I am not going to get too nitty gritty on the grammar when some rewriting is in order.


I know that Simone has already commented on this sentence, but I wanted to point something else out to you that has more to do with style than content. The use of "a child's" gets repetitive here and adds unnecessary words. This sentence could be rewritten to something like: Research indicates that children's behavior, learning capabilities, development, and fostering of peer relationships are negatively affected by mothers working outside of the home.

Your second paragraph starts out pretty weak. Remember that you want to persuade people to your side . . . not offend them if they are a working mother, have a working mother, or are married to a working mother. There's a big difference between being an involved and attentive parent and a disinterested parent, but whether or not a mother works isn't necessarily a indication of her level of involvement with her children. A parent who stays home and parks a kid in front of Barney all day can spend less time engaged with a child than a working mom who is home by 3:30 (I made my mom in this scenario a teacher for argument's sake) and then spends the next five hours before bedtime actively engaged with her child. Many people do see work as stressing, but others find enjoyment in their chosen occupation. My mom is a professional photographer and is happiest when she is on a shoot. Instead of enervating her, my mom's work invigorates her. Honestly, I don't think she would be the same person or have the same vitality if she were just a domestic servant with my brother and me in charge. Perhaps if you softened the blow by acknowledging that working is not a black and white decision, you would be able to put your reader off of the defensive and keep them reading along.


Are these sources that you haven't yet included in your bibliography? I am confused.


I have noticed some issues with apostrophes in your writing. There are times when you need one and don't use it and other times when there are there without serving a purpose. Here are a couple of links to help you refresh apostrophe use:

grammarbook.com/punctuation/apostro.asp
owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/621/01/


The punctuation goes inside quotation marks.


They aren't completing the situations . . . to contend with not-so-immediate situations.

Studies show that the sooner a mother goes to work after giving birth[,] the greater the likelihood of those children not doing as well in school-readiness testing when they are three years old. I am still not crazy about this sentence, but I am not sure how to fix it.

their counterparts[,] " r eported Jeanne Brooks-Gun


Other studies show that negative effects of early, full-time maternal employment persist among seven and eight-year old children.


No one? What about the dad? The grandmother? What if the mother is addicted meth? This is a broad statement. As a reader, I found myself trying to conjure exceptions instead of being persuaded.

I am going to stop there. You have probably had enough of me by now anyway. I will either wait for a rewrite or let someone else pick up the last couple of paragraphs.

Undergraduate / "My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay [9]

Here are a few quick thoughts:

Capitalize Catholic and God.

Put the period on the inside of the quotation marks (you have tucked one in, but there's another outside of the quotation marks).

. . . before I became a sophomore in high school . . . this feels a little awkward to me. Maybe reword it to something like: the summer before my sophomore year. If you are applying for college, they can safely assume that you have only had one summer before one sophomore year and that was in high school.

has taught me a lot of important values . . . getting rid of the word has strengthens the verb while omitting a lot of tightens things up. A lot of is vague and doesn't add anything to the sentence.

Tr ying things

there'sare service projects (but Simone
's fix is better).


This is one of sentences that Simone was talking about with weak verbs. You also have some issues here with the first part of the sentence not being tied to the rest of the sentence. It needs some rewriting.


You repeat "get to know." I am not crazy about this sentence, but I am not sure how I would change it at this point either.


This sentence has quite a few extraneous words in it. Try something like: Listening to the personal experiences of others helps me to appreciate life and teaches me that as one person out of six billion in the world, I have the ability to "dig up my own hidden treasure" and impact society and the environment around me.

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

I am confused. Is the university asking for a writing sample? Do they need a writing sample so that they know what courses to place you in? I see in your profile that you are from Mongolia. Is the university in Mongolia?

Or . . . do you want to write to the school accepting their offer of admission and you are looking for a sample of that kind of letter?

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

Dang! My fault again. I suppose I need to proofread my own advice before posting it. Good catch!

I love the concept of a forum of this nature because different people will pick up on different issues. There really isn't time to peruse and essay and comment (or rewrite in some cases) every little thing, but people are able to pick up on and point out some of the more egregious errors. You certainly don't want an admissions committee to be taken aback by a dangling modifier or the improper form of role/roll.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]


Ack! That was my fault. I told you that there were likely to be dangling modifiers in my future and that I didn't fully grasp the concept. I rewrote the sentence to rid it of weak verbs and left the modifier dangling instead. I *knew* that there was something about the sentence, in its rewritten form, that was making me uncomfortable, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Thanks for taking my hand, Sean, and placing my finger squarely on the issue.

The original sentence was better. There must be a way to enliven the verb, but I can't see the forest for the trees at this point!

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]


*Chuckle* I see it now! I don't know how to reword it though.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

Wow! It is looking very strong. Here are a few minor changes that I think will improve flow:

My grandparents were too poor and medicine was too expensive for us to seek any mainstream treatment for my illness.

O nly two when my family escaped Vietnam by boat, m y parents reluctantly left me behind because I was too sick to endure the perilous journey.

Even with the love and care of relatives and friends, it just was not the same withoutI lamented the loss of my family and a place to call home.

For the first time in my life, I had a family doctor who can attended to my medical needs. (Unless you are nine now, you need to use the past tense here.)

T he absence of adequate medical attention in my early childhood that has promoted and fostered my sympathy for the sick and the poor.

The comprehensive care that I have received in the United States has inspired me to devote my academic years to helping those who are less fortunate than me .

Through my volunteer work, I am surprised and saddened to learn that health care inequity is not isolated to Vietnam[,]alone but also exists even in the heart of America.

In today's society, there are orphans, homeless people, and immigrants who cannot access basic and adequate health services. The "orphans" in this sentence isn't sitting well with me. Most orphans, in the United States, fall under the jurisdiction of the government and are eligible for Medicare. Children in foster care and even those who have been adopted through a government program receive Medicare (to the best of my knowledge) for life. If you changed the word to "indigent," the sentence would make more sense.

For this reason, I aspire to become a physician in order toand provide holistic medical care to patients from all social and economic backgrounds. Do you really mean "holistic" here? While holistic means complete, when coupled with medicine, it generally means alternative. If you are applying for a traditional medical program, they could very well bristle at the word holistic. Even if your intention is to become a medical doctor who specializes in holistic medicine, this may not be the place to announce that goal. The admission committee might envision lizards in your patients' future.

While in college, my inspiration has propelled me

While shadowing the physicians, I have noticed that genuine gestures (of what? Kindness?) plus a few words of comfort are always their initial responses to a patient's diagnosis (to the patients' diagnosis to to the patient? To the patients' conditions? They aren't responding to the diagnosis--they are responding to the patients).

The doctors in the emergency department have helped me to appreciate that the roll of physician includes more than just diagnosing diseases and prescribing treatments; rather, it embraces the patient's whole well-being, both body and mind.

I too want to become a great physician, and I have strived to implement Osler's teaching into my own practice (I don't like the word "practice" here because it implies a medical practice--something you don't have yet. Substitute something like, experiences, dealings) at SFGH with some success .

This hands-on interaction with patients has imparts


I am not crazy about this sentence. I think you could omit it and maintain better flow. It is a little too visual. I am picturing you in your white lab coat on a hiking trail flipping over rocks. It isn't a bad sentence, but I don't think it adds anything either.

I soon found myself deeply engaged in cancer research . . . this sounds like you stumbled upon the lab by accident. I'd replace "I soon found myself" to something like "I felt at home when deeply engaged . . ."

Berkeley professors, postdoctoral scholars, and undergrads . . . undergrads is too casual in this sentence. Change it to undergraduate students.


Found, again, sounds like you stumbled into the career choice. These verbs could also be a bit more active. In choosing to become a physician, I pursue a career uniting my interests in science and medicine with my passion to help others.

As a n aspiring medical student, I hope to obtain the opportunity to provide health education and medical care to patients and the opportunity to cultivate compassion that establishes friendship at the patient's bedside.


Because all of the other sentences in this paragraph start with independent clauses, I wold vary the sentence structure and start this one in a more straight-forward way. Medical school is the next important stone for me to assiduously and eagerly turn in accomplishing my lifelong aspiration of becoming a physician.

By the way, could you take a look at this bump on the back of my wrist and tell me what you think it is? Just kidding. The doctors I know are always complaining about people seeking a medical opinion in social settings and this was just my lame attempt at humor.

Good luck with it. You have a strong and compelling essay here. If your grades match, you should have no problem garnering admittance.

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]

I wasn't suggesting that the word retarded be replaced with mentally challenged for the purpose of this essay. You're right, mentally challenged isn't funny either--indeed, it is less humorous. Retarded, because it used to apply to a more clearly-defined group of people, just isn't funny in my book. Polish jokes were common a couple of decades ago, but calling her a Pollock would fall flat in the humor department as well. It is true that I was brought up in the era of political correctness and I am sure that has a lot to do with what words make me uncomfortable. The line between what is funny and what is offensive can be rather thin as well as subjective.

Bruce Cameron gets away with making fun of his kids because he generally tackles their actions and not their innate attributes. Generally insults, the ones that are funny at least, fly between people who are on equal social footing. A parent (a teacher, a Little League coach, a priest) calling a child an idiot is a bit harsh. That same adult saying that a child did an idiotic thing sits better. I think that this essay could have been more humorous if the reader were shown how the kids were acting like idiots . . . I liked the example of closing the door.

Roland, you very well could make a good Saturday Night Live writer. Their writers push the envelope of comfort quite often. You did bring levity to a heavily used topic. I think that our discussion here on what makes something funny (and things that can make some readers uncomfortable), is a reminder to write for the audience. If you are writing for Saturday Night Live, you can be irreverent and rude. Admission officers and scholarship committees, on the other hand, often lack a sense of humor. I am glad that you shared your essay here.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

This is an old thread and the original author most likely won't be coming back to it . . .

One could make an argument that the atomic bomb, though destructive, was not a negative technology. When you compare the alternative to employing the bomb--prolonging World War II and an invasion of the Japanese mainland--the bomb was the lesser of two evils. An invasion of the Japanese homeland would have cost an estimated million lives of Allied soldiers. Many times the number of Japanese civilians would have died in an invasion. Considering that the death toll (for civilians and military) topped 48,000,000 in World War II, the 220,000 directly killed by the atomic bomb is a small number. Claims could also be made that the advent of the atomic bomb has thus far prevented wars fought full force. A certain amount of detente and finesse is required when your foe has access to such destructive technology.

Or not. The argument that the creation of the atomic bomb was evil is also valid.

Technologies--in and of themselves--are not negative. It is the implementation of those technologies that can be evil. Satellite television is not evil, but the beaming of signals carrying "Barney" into my home via PBS is nefarious.

Grammar, Usage / In Need Of Writing Resources! [12]

I was going to suggest the Owl at Purdue as well! Here's a link: owl.english.purdue.edu

They have a section for 7th-12th grade students that might be a good place to start.

I also enjoyed a book called "Eat, Shoots, and Leaves" by Lynne Truss. It is a quick and funny read. Your local library might have a copy. My library also has a used book section where you can pick up books for a nominal donation (a buck or two). There are always a lot of writing texts in there.

I think that you know a lot more than you think you do. Your writing on this forum is intelligent and easy to follow. I didn't know a lot of the English terms for the parts of speech until I started to learn them in Spanish. If you were to ask me to explain what a future progressive verb was in English, I wouldn't have been able to explain it until I learned it in Spanish (By the end of my senior year, I will have been taking Spanish for three years). I think that your issue is more with terminology than knowledge and application. I respect your desire to better yourself though. I am here because I share the desire to better myself!

Have you ever done Adlibs? They really helped me as a kid to understand some of the parts of speech. It asks you to fill in nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs and then you read back the story with nonsensical (and often humorous) results. My parents did Adlibs with my brother and me when we were young . . . until they got tired of us saying poop for every noun, pooping for the verbs, poopy for the adjectives, and poopily for the adverbs. I guess we were just that age for the bathroom humor.

Here are a couple of websites that give you an overview of the English parts of speech and grammar:

depts.gallaudet.edu/englishworks/grammar/partsofspeech.html

grammar.about.com/od/terms/a/topgramterms.htm

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

Here's a link to an article on dangling modifiers. I have to admit that I still don't fully grasp the idea. I am at risk of leaving a few modifiers dangling precariously in my future.

owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/597/01/

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]

I would have to agree. I didn't find it all that funny. It is a little hard to tell if the narrator is using hyperbole or if his seventh-grade daughter was really incapable of learning her alphabet. Calling her ugly isn't flying with me either. If the narrator were to lament that his teenage daughter was incapable of responding to a simple stimulus, like the ringing of the telephone, unless it was the ringtone on her phone, it would sit better with me. It comes closer to the mark with the son's inability to shut the door . . . things that normal parents complain about with their children. Retarded is another one of those words that throws off the humor. "Developmentally delayed," "mentally challenged," or naming the disorder--Down Syndrome--have replaced the word retarded.

I do like the last sentence though. My mom frequently threatens to run away. Instead of running away to be a teacher, she claims that she is headed to Belize.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]


I am not familiar enough with lizards to come up with an adjective. I have even less experience with eating lizards. I don't think of them as slimy though. Aren't they kind of dry and scaly? Your sentence could read something like . . .howling and kicking to dodge the (squirming, disgusting, writhing, repugnant . . .) creature.

Bathed works well.

I have not yet mastered the comma and I probably never will, but I am thinking that you do not need a comma here--"and my breathing became shallow" is not an independent clause an the two parts of the sentence hold equal weight. Don't take my word for it though.

The word "became" isn't bothering me. You could omit it if you rewrote the sentence, but it isn't bothering me.


I am not crazy about the word "devouring" here. Devour makes me think of either consuming something with great enthusiasm or destroying something (like flesh-eating bacteria devouring a limb). You were devouring the lizard in the destroying sense, but not with enthusiasm. It could be confusing to the reader. I'd also like to see a word modifying "remedy." This is not a traditional remedy. Folk? I can't come up with a word, but I think it would be best to qualify.

More later . . . maybe.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

I am going to nit-pick this. Not because it is bad, but because it is good and deserves to be better.


I'd omit the word "tried" here. It weakens the visual. I'd also omit the word "house" and "two slices" because "house" disrupts the flow. I think I would also break it into two sentences (and combine it with your last sentence), but that is just me. The new sentences would read like this: I heartily protested as my grandma pinned me down and pried my mouth open to force a live lizard down my throat. Even though the lizard was sandwiched between two slices of banana, the familiar pleasant taste and aroma of the fruit failed to disguise the unpleasant gecko.


I generally don't think of eyes as being coated in tears, but that is me nit-picking. My eyes (oozing, exuding, dripping, issuing, expelling, leaking, trickling . . .) tears . . . Or if you changed tears to the word performing the action, you could come up with a different list of verbs--"coated" just isn't the best word choice in my mind. Likewise, "four-legged creatures" are often associated with house pets in English and conjure a decidedly mammalian picture. Our "four-legged friends" generally only refers to

cats and dogs. I think that you could come up with a more powerful (and precise) adjective here.


Change this just slightly for a more active verb. My childhood asthma overpowered me and my breathing became shallow. (it is best to omit as many "to be" verbs--is, are, was--as possible)

Ack! Out of time. I didn't even make it through the first paragraph. I'll add more later tonight.

Undergraduate / "experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement [7]


I believe you have your words mixed up here, Sean. Kittie started out as shy . . . an introvert . . . and grew to be an extrovert.

I am no longer a face in the crowd but a leader . I am no longer content to follow the pace of others but a pacesetter . I am no longer a shy wallflower but a confident leader . (Or something along those lines.)

On something of this nature, I would say that word count matters. Sean has done a wonderful job of providing an example that tightens the essay. Here's another sentence for you:


Two years later, the cheerleading coach appointed me captain of the squad. A savings of five words and a more active verb to boot!

Undergraduate / Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet) [11]

I feel your pain. I will be a senior in high school this next year (in a school with mostly wealthy kids who have been handed everything from the start . . .). I have epilepsy and have missed a lot of class due to illness and hospitalizations. The disorder is bad enough, but the medications to control the seizures have their own complications to contend with. My high school grades have not been stellar as a result. I have done better when a teacher has a generous make-up policy and not as well in classes where the teacher is a stickler for attendance. I pulled an "A" in AP History, but I don't know how I would explain a "C" in "Social Dance" to an admissions officer. My parents have already told me that they want me to live at home and go to a community college for my first year or two so they can help to monitor and stabilize my health. I imagine that I will be in the position you are facing in my not-too-distant future.

Not that my situation has anything to do with your essay, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Do you have to submit your high school transcripts with your application or just the transcripts from the community college? Your community college grades are enough to stand on their own. If you do have to submit your high school transcripts, I could see where a little explanation is in order to tell about the various schools/programs and alternate route that you took. Your success in community college should assure an admissions officer that you are recovered and not a risk for failure. Personally, I see your recovery from the eating disorder as a badge of strength and a life experience that has made you stronger while providing insight into human nature including your own. I acknowledge that there is an element of risk in divulging the nature of your illness, but I don't think that a reasonable person would hold it against you, especially because you have recovered and shown success in a community college setting (and even in high school while battling a debilitating condition!).

If you do talk about your struggles with illness, emphasize the recovery as well and how the experience has helped you become a better person.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]


Ahhhh . . . that was sarcasm. The answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42-at least according to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." I am a big fan of Douglas Adams. Sean had talked about Douglas Adams in the post just before mine. Claiming to know the answer to life, the universe, and everything was my nod to Adams and Sean.

In the book, mice (the most intelligent species on Earth) construct a computer to provide the answer to life, the universe, and everything. After 7.5 billion years, the computer (named Deep Thought) answers 42. Here's a snippet from the book:

"Forty-two!" yelled Loonquawl. "Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million years' work?"

"I checked it very thoroughly," said the computer, "and that quite definitely is the answer. I think the problem, to be quite honest with you, is that you've never actually known what the question is."

You see, I know the answer, but I don't know the question. I am sorry if I came across as a snide, know-it-all teenager.

Essays / Can't think of an essay topic that is the most common topic ever [11]

How about something to do with Samoa's relationship to the United States? (I saw in your profile that you are Samoan).

American Samoans are American nationals, but not citizens? What exactly does that mean? Would there be a benefit to extending citizenship? Should American Samoans be extended the right to vote in Presidential elections? Compare and contrast Western Samoa to American Samoa. Would American Samoa be better off if it were to gain independence? How is English taught in Samoan schools? How is Samoan taught in Samoan schools? Is the government doing a good job of educating the people? What measures are being taken to preserve the culture?

There are many, many other topics you could write about. Bringing the drinking age in line with the draft age. Uhhhh . . . never mind. I don't even know what the drinking age is in Samoa or whether the citizens are subject to the military draft. Whether or not military recruiters should be allowed in American high schools. Errrr . . . that probably isn't an issue there, is it?

Do "heroin chic" images in advertising glorify drug use? Do violent video games lead to violent behavior? Should gay marriage be sanctioned? Should every student have the right to attend college at the public's expense?

Research Papers / '20th century hero' - Research Paper on Franklin D. Roosevelt [9]

Let me go off on a little tangent here with Sean . . . The nuances of words in the English language can be so fun! I carefully chose the words "dictatorial fashion" because they are easier to support. Dictator is one of those words that has several meanings, but most people think of Hitler and Mussolini-a hard comparison to make with FDR. A strong case could be made for Roosevelt acting in a dictatorial fashion though. Don't read too much into my words. I am not taking a stance on Roosevelt or the US's involvement in World War II. I am not deriding the social programs of the New Deal. I am merely making a case . . . supporting a thesis. I could make a case for either side of this argument if I were so inclined. Many of FDR's actions could be attributed to crisis . . . the crisis of the Great Depression and of World War II. But those policies overreached the Constitution nonetheless.

Roosevelt campaigned with the promise to keep America out of the war (this was in 1940 when he was campaigned for third term). Isolationist sentiment ran high with the American public and the Monroe Doctrine (America for the Americans and avoiding entanglements with European affairs) was the official public policy. Roosevelt circumvented his campaign promises and the desires of the American public by instituting lend lease, manning a naval base in Iceland, and having American ships track German vessels in order to report their locations to British bombers. I know, I know. Politicians aren't known for keeping their campaign promises, but this is a pretty big one. Congress passed the Neutrality Acts in the 1930s to maintain isolationism. Roosevelt bypassed the legislative branch by involving America in the war without requiring a vote of Congress.

Censorship was strict during the war. Some of the censorship-troop movements for example-was warranted, but Roosevelt also used the power of censorship to silence detractors. When a Catholic radio station in Chicago criticized the court-packing scheme, Roosevelt had their license revoked. The internment of American citizens with Japanese ancestry is another example of Roosevelt using broad power. The Supreme Court upheld this decision (and the government paid reparations to survivors and decedents in 1988). The Supreme Court shot down several of Roosevelt's other measures, including the National Recovery Administration, as unconstitutional. If it were not for the checks and balances put into place by the framers of the Constitution, it is quite possible that Roosevelt would have pursued a true dictatorship.

The length of Roosevelt's tenure as President alone led to a consolidation of power. Every government appointee in a twelve-year period was an extension of Roosevelt's administration. Every newly-created government agency (and there were a lot of them) was headed by a Roosevelt lackey. Roosevelt was determined to use all means available to push his political agenda. The Great Depression and World War II provided situational justification for Roosevelt to expand the powers of the office of President in a dictatorial fashion.

Okay, done with my little (or not so little as the case may be) tangent.


A World War, with an estimated 48 million deaths (civilian and military) could not be called a major accomplishment. The Allied victory, with Roosevelt at the helm, could be called a major accomplishment. Roosevelt steering the American public through this calamitous time in history could be called a major accomplishment. Semantics. Just add a few more words here to clarify your meaning.


Did he say this in an inaugural address? I looked at his first inaugural address (the "We have nothing to fear" speech) and didn't see anything about isolationism. Clarify where he made the promises. Lead should be led here. But . . . did Roosevelt convince the American public to enter World War or was it the bombing of Pearl Harbor?


Capitalize Depression.


Military gear (unless you are focusing on just the sprocketed mechanisms used in motors).


The unemployment rate is talking about the number of people who are unemployed. It didn't rise with US involvement in the war, it fell. The percent can be taken in a couple of different ways here . . . did the unemployment rate fall from 25% to 15% or did it fall by 10% (2.5% of the total number unemployed). The outcome in those numbers is very different.


I know what you are saying here, but you might want to make it clearer to the reader. What do you mean by age discrimination? He tried to force the retirement of Justices over the age of seventy (and proposed to have those who would not retire shadowed by a younger justice who would have control of the vote). He wanted to expand the size of the Supreme Court so that he could appoint Justices loyal to his policies. I think you need to talk more about what is meant by "court packing" and Roosevelt's motivations.


The attempt failed BECAUSE of separation of powers and checks and balances. If all power would have resided in the executive branch, Roosevelt could have done what he wanted with the court. Scratch that. If all power resided in the executive branch, Roosevelt wouldn't have even needed the court.


I would reword this . . . his excessive ambition, socialist policies, and the dictatorial fashion he approached the office of President. There! Now I am happy. I got to use "dictatorial fashion" in my revisions.


This might be overstating the point. If he were really willing to do anything to have his New Deal policies approved, he would have taken the Justices out behind the barn and had them shot. Was he willing to stretch executive privilege? Use Constitutional loopholes? Forgo decency? What exactly did he do?


Whoa, Nelly. It is unfair to toss this into the conclusion when you haven't addressed it or supported it in the body of your paper.


This is a long sentence that would be better broken down into two sentences. Try something like this: Roosevelt's daring measures to address America's economic issues in his first 100 days in office and his wartime leadership ability are legacies for the American people. Roosevelt wielded unprecedented executive power in this epoch, but Americans should accept that Roosevelt acted with the best interests of the United States in mind.


Legislation, no "s." The plural of legislation is legislation. It is one of those weird English words like elk and elk (we still tease my dad . . . he spotted a herd of elk and in his excitement shouted, "Look, boys! Elkes!). The claim that America would still be in a depression without Roosevelt is difficult to substantiate. It would be safer to say that America would not have recovered from the Depression or that the effects of the Depression would have been more severe. You also want to call it the Depression and use a capital "D" so as not to make it sound like America was in a depression that a little bit of Zoloft would alleviate. Without Roosevelt, America wouldn't have necessarily been defeated in World War II. Without Roosevelt, America wouldn't necessarily have even fought in World War II. It is fair to say that without Roosevelt's policies, the Allies would have been defeated in World War II. There is a subtle difference there, but semantics can make a difference.

Good luck with it! I hope that I didn't overwhelm you with my opinions and revisions. I love history and it is hard for me to read an essay of this nature without prolific commentary on my part.

Research Papers / '20th century hero' - Research Paper on Franklin D. Roosevelt [9]

You have a solid paper, but I think that a few tweaks will make it even stronger. Strengthening your verbs (and a few other words) would be a first step. It seems to me that you are missing some key points in your essay as well. The fact that Roosevelt's election to a fourth term was unprecedented and prompted a Constitutional Amendment limiting the tenure of future Presidents, for example. Critics claim that Roosevelt started the United States down the path of the government taking responsibility for its citizens and created a socialist state that decries personal responsibility and even undermines the family and charity by taking on the roles previously provided by those segments of society.

Are you using MLA citations? With MLA citations, the parenthesis would go inside of the period. I saw in your profile that you are in the United States. American English keeps the punctuation inside of the quotation marks as well (this particular practice is counter-intuitive to me).

In American and World history, Franklin D. Roosevelt is known as one of the greatest U.S. P residents with his accomplishments such asfor implementing his New Deal policies and leading America to victory in World War II.

However,Detractors call Roosevelt is also called a dictator for holding office for nearly over 12more than twelve years and attempting to circumvent the Constitution by packing the Supreme Court with Democrats.


Generally speaking, you don't want to use the same word twice in a sentence. Reword this to something like this: His inaugural address demonstrated Roosevelt's strong confidence in the United States and its people and assured the American public.


Undergoing is such a soft word. How about something like: When Roosevelt ascended to the Presidency, the United States was experiencing the worst of the Great Depression and businesses as well as individuals suffered greatly from the long-running economic crisis.


Capitalize the word President here. Legislation should be singular. "Started to pass" is weak . . . he pushed, he implemented, he something. "Which closed down" is weak and repetitive . . . closing banks for four days. Instead of "which legalized," go with legalizing.


Omit the word "positive" here. Support already conveys a positive reaction. "Make" is pretty unexciting . . . assemble, beget, compose, effect, engender, fabricate, fashion, forge, form, frame, generate, initiate, manufacture, secure.


The objectives of the New Deal were "relief, recovery, and reform" to provide immediate relief to the millions of unemployed and homeless people, to recover America's industrial production to its previous zenith, and to implement economic reforms designed to prevent another crisis of this magnitude in the future.


I am not crazy about this phrasing. "Saved" or employed? Were the people facing bankruptcy or starvation? In modern terms, bankruptcy isn't so bad. It has come to mean eschewing debts and then going on with a comfortable life. Maybe change it to read: . . . employed millions of Americans facing dire straights.

I don't mean to start an argument Sean, but I think that you could make a case for Roosevelt acting in a dictatorial fashion. He didn't leave office willingly -- his Presidency ended with his death. His election to a third (and fourth) term was unprecedented and controversial at the time. The loophole that allowed him to continue in power has since been closed. It would be easy to argue that the federal government under FDR looked nothing like the federal government envisioned by the framers of the Constitution. Jefferson and his followers believed in small government while the Federalists took the stance that government should protect the minority (in this case the wealthy) from the majority. FDR's New Deal certainly wasn't laissez faire capitalism and Roosevelt's attempt to pack the Supreme Court (while not unprecedented) was an attempt to undermine the three-branch, checks-and-balances foundation of the American government.

I have to run off to a rehearsal. If someone else doesn't pick this up, I will come back to offer more of my nit-picky input.

Essays / Essay about "Hope" - what to write? [8]

What is the purpose of the essay? Is it for a scholarship application or for a class? Were you given a prompt?

Do you see hope as a good thing that propels people forward? Or as a bad thing that drive them to spend money that they don't have to obtain lottery tickets for a prize they will never win? What, exactly, is the purpose of hope? What is the opposite of hope? Are there scientific studies on hope? What is hope's place in theology? Is hope without action a moot point? Is having hope akin to a child's belief in Santa Claus? What do you think about Hope as a name for a baby girl? What rhymes with hope? Can you anagram it?

I am sorry. I am being silly now. It is very late here and I should have been in bed hours ago. On a serious note, the two words you have given us . . . hope and essay . . . really aren't enough. Please let us know more about the purpose of your writing.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

I may be young, but I have known the answer to life, the universe, and everything for a very long time. I also know that humans are only the third most intelligent species on Earth.

I enjoy reading this thread, but I am afraid that I lack the experience, knowledge, and gumption to enter the fray (or to contribute anything meaningful if I did).

I have often wondered just when it is that I come closest to my authentic self . . . is it while I am sleeping, daydreaming, conversing with others, in prayer/meditation, or deep in thought? I think it might be in those moments just before I fall asleep. If I were to ever have an experience that resembled enlightenment, I would question my sanity. I have a lot to learn in this life.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay on How High School Sports Influenced you [8]

Congratulations! $500 is a pretty nice chunk of change.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

I see what Simone means about being repetitive using the word "technology." There really aren't a lot of synonyms for the word, "technology," but there are still ways around the repetition. I will rewrite your last sentence to show you what I mean:

It is difficult to do many things today without the gains made by research and development. Throughout the world, technological advances are encountered everywhere and those advances have improved the quality of our lives and made them easier. Technology is an indispensable part of today's world and has a positive impact.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay using technology prompt [8]

The use of gender-inclusive language, while maintaining flow, is daunting at best. When constructing a sentence, a writer needs to consider his/her purpose to tell the tale he or she (or should it be s/he?) wants to tell. Some style guides allow the use of the third-person plural pronouns "they" and "their" even when talking about a singular subject to avoid naming a gender.

Some words are easier to substitute for gender neutral equivalents than other. Coed can easily become student, members of Congress can stand in for Congressmen, flight attendant for stewardess, and police officer for policeman. But do we really want to talk about how "Four score and seven years ago our parents brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all people are created equal." Let forefathers, mankind, and freshmen stand unmolested (and keep women instead of "womyn"). It would be silly to talk about a World War II infantryman as an "infantry person" or even a "combat engineer." When Armstrong said, "That's one small step for a man and one giant leap for mankind," he really did mean "a man" and the use of "mankind" was not intended to disclude the female gender or anyone who had not yet been through puberty.

Ahhhhh, but language is tricky. And a student must write for his (her, his/her their, its) intended audience. If the school or the professor uses a writing handbook that says to use humankind (or even human/womynkind) over mankind, that is what the student must do.

On a tangent . . . do other languages have the issue of gender inclusiveness? I know that in Spanish, all words are either masculine or feminine and that the masculine pronouns always take precedence when there is even one masculine item in the group. Are the writing structures of other languages reflecting the move toward gender-inclusive language?

Grammar, Usage / Tasteful Thank You [11]

Is he your mom's relative or your dad's? I'd ask your parent what they think. They've probably known him longer and would have insight to how he'd take a thank you. Is there a chance that he brought a card to the gathering and the card was misplaced? It just seem odd that he'd come to the party empty handed (not that I didn't go to a couple of parties empty handed, but I am a poor student not a full-fledged adult).

Essays / a Comparison and cantrash paragraph about two places [4]

I wouldn't know what to do with a compare and "cantrash" paper either. A compare and contrast paper would be a little easier.

I did a quick Google search on "compare and contrast paper" and came up with quite a few website that walk you through the process.

Here's a simple website (very simple-it is written for fifth graders) that walks you through the process:

geocities.com/fifth_grade_tpes/compare_contrast.h tml

Grammar, Usage / Tasteful Thank You [11]

I am trying to figure out what you are thanking him for . . . attending your party? I am no Martha Stuart, but I don't think that a thank you would be necessary. Usually a thank you is for a present or a special favor. Attending a graduation party, eating, and drinking doesn't merit a thank you in my book.

But . . . if you want to thank him, you could always write something like, "Thank you for being at my graduation party and sharing in my special day. It was wonderful to see you. Wishing you the best."

Writing Feedback / Australian Gold Rush: Introduction writing [16]


I just ran it through a plagiarism detector (dustball.com has a free one that doesn't require registration or an email address). The *only* site that came up was this one.

JVG115's essay made me realize just how little I know about history outside of the Americas and Europe. It especially piqued my interest in Australian history and I did a little Internet research/learning of my own. I did come across some websites that mirrored the factual information given by the essay's author, but nothing that led me to believe that the writing was plagiarized. Sean's Googling and my own experiment with the plagiarism detection site seem to confirm this.

Essays / Narrative Essay - having lunch with any famous person [7]

I have thought about this contest as well. With the deadline only 8 days away, I don't think I will put anything together for it. Besides, there are only two winners nationally and I imagine that the competition will be too stiff for me to be in contention. All of the previous winners have been university or graduate students and I am a high-school peon.

To get back to your question . . . I think that a dialogue would fit the prompt and the situation just fine. I imagine that they get get quite a few entries written in dialogue. I don't think it would be too different at all. There is no need for a disclaimer. Now if the conversion were *real*, then you would need to let the panel know that. They are asking "if" you could have lunch with someone, who would that be. They even give you the option of dining with a famous person who is dead. No need for a disclaimer on that one!

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]


I am finding more and more amended entries in the dictionary. Forte/forte is an interesting one. It is pronounced "fawr-tey" if you are using it as a musical term. If you are saying that something is your strength, then the word should be pronounced pronounced like "fort." It presents a quandary! Do you say "fawr-tey" because it is the common usage or do you risk people thinking you are stupid when you say "fort"? Or do you avoid the word altogether in speech like I do?

Decimate is another word I avoid using. Its original usage meant to kill or destroy one in every ten (hence the "deci"), but it is commonly used as "total or near destruction" more recently. The word has lost its meaning for me. One in ten is a lot different than total destruction.

Research Papers / Your way of writing 10 or more pages research paper (univ or college level) [10]

Here's my process:

*Pick a topic. Or at least pick a topic that I think I want to write about. I have changed direction during research.
*Familiarize myself with the subject. This is cursory research that helps me decide what I want to delve more into. It might be as brief as reading a Wikipedia article.

*Make a list of points I want to cover. Sometimes this is in list form. Sometimes this looks more like an outline.
*Research. My teachers like varied sources. I will do a significant amount of research on the Internet because the format is so easy, but I will look for primary sources on the Internet as well as sources that are a little more academic in nature like professional journals. I get books from the library, but I don't read them cover-to-cover. Instead, I will use the index to locate pertinent quotes and supporting material. This may sound silly, but sometimes I will get books from the kids' and young adult sections of the library. They provide a concise and complete summary of the subject and often lead to other resources. The simple books will help keep me on track and help me to include important points.

*I write a thesis, a topic sentence for each of my paragraphs, and a conclusion. This acts as a outline of sorts and helps me to keep on track when it comes to supporting my thesis. The topic sentences for each paragraph act as mini-thesis statements, tie the paragraph to the main thesis, and provide transitions. Depending on the type of paper, I will have a paragraph that acknowledges the opposing viewpoint and then refutes it.

*I work on each paragraph as its own entity (its own mini-essay as Sean says). I support the topic sentence with examples, quotes from experts in the field, and analysis of my own.

*Then I write the introduction and conclusion. The introduction will introduce the subject and make a claim. The conclusion will restate the thesis and recap the support.

*I proofread, look up any words that I am unsure of in the dictionary (whether that is for exact meaning or to see if I have the proper spelling for the word I intended-I have the tendency to mix up words like premier/premiere), and check punctuation. Some of my teachers provide grading rubrics and I look that over before and after I have done my writing to make sure that I haven't missed anything.

*I check my formatting. My Word program defaults the margins and indents to something that is not MLA. I will also go through and make sure that I am consistent-sometimes I will do two spaces after a period and other times I do only one. Usually, either way is acceptable, but I have to make sure I do it the same way throughout.

*I get an outside source to proofread for me. It is most helpful if it is someone who will comment on grammar as well as content. You really want someone who knows their stuff and is willing to be critical instead of just a rubber stamp. It especially helps if the person has access to the assignment so they can comment on how well you met the criteria. This is a wonderful site for getting feedback. Many universities have writing labs as well that are an invaluable resource. Your English seems very good, but if you are still an English learner, your university might have extra support or resources for foreign-born students. Make sure to allow plenty of time for proofreading, additional research, and revisions before your deadline. For a big paper (and they all are in college), I like to allow a week between when I think I am done and the deadline for revisions and feedback.

Most college classes have very few grades. It isn't like high school where the nightly homework and in-class assignments are counted toward your final grade. Some college classes will only have three grades-a mid-term, a final, and a paper. It is imperative that you do well on the papers. Don't be afraid to ask for clarification if you don't understand a part of the assignment. Profs are there (sometimes by appointment only, *grin*) to help you. If you are having a hard time putting together a paper, ask for guidance.