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Posts by Akuhah
Name: Tijuana Turner
Joined: Dec 29, 2013
Last Post: Dec 31, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 10  
From: Jamaica

Displayed posts: 14
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Akuhah   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Being given €1500 - Transition from Childhood to Adulthood [5]

ok well since it is...

Stuffed in the metro, with €1500 tucked in my bra, I try my best to appear normal. I tap my foot nervously and look around the train: rather than staring at me, the other passengers fiddle with their phones and kindles. I mimic the others and read an email under the subject "Anna Nicole wanna b?" for the seventh time."I heard what happened to you and the words that come to my mind are brilliant, weird, bizarre, lucky, and strange." (sentence is not clear and its confusing as it relates to anna nicole wanna be and the words that follow at the end)
The laughter attempts to surge and the harder I try to hold it in, the higher it crawls up my throat. I clamp my mouth shut. I breath in, and out. "Calm down," I tell myself. And then all eyes are on me: I have exploded into fits of hysterical and convulsive laughter. I'm free!

I finished my story and he stared down at his coffee, pensive. "Je te donnerai l'argent." (what story?? and try not to use french if you are not going to offer a translation. be mindful that the admissions officer may not be fluent in french)
I was so shocked my French escaped me.(Reword the statement. something like... i was so shocked that my french escaped from me. Also, who is speaking in french in the previous line?) "What?"
He laughed. "I'll give you the money."
"No, I understood you...it's just...why?!"
"Well, you need it more than I do, and really, €1000 is nothing...a tenth of my shoes."
I was still trying to catch up. 15 minutes earlier, I had been been approached by my(a) 80 year-old Mauritian classmate--who I had never talked to before(who never spoke to me before) --all because I had been holding a french book in my hand. (the story line is confusing.. i think you should move the plot around. i see you using flashback but try not to use two at the same time as it can become confusing) Now, I sat across from him in the abysmal school cafeteria drinking a café con leche, staring down at his crocodile-skin loafers--which were apparently worth €10000--after having shared my entire life story in a total of three languages. This could not be real.
"I imagine you need the money right away.(' he said, ') You can pick it up tonight at my apartment."
I thought if I hadn't already been killed by the Mauritian man I most certainly would be in his apartment. (isnt this man the one who is offering to give you the money? if it is then this statement doesnt make any sense. perhaps you havent expressed what you intended properly) But what did I have to lose? I was depressed, alone in a foreign country, and suffering from anxiety. My eyelid twitched. "Where's your apartment?" (why were you alone, depressed and suffering from anxiety in a foreign country?? need the background to this.)

I walked past Cibeles palace through the nicest part of Madrid, making my way through the maze of twisting callejuelas until I arrived at Jacques' apartment. He was already waiting at the doorway and led me inside. My eyes flitted here and there, struggling to take in the grandeur: the cathedral-like ceilings, the intricate wallpaper, the hodgepodge of antique and modern pieces...A credulous (sure this is the correct word??) laugh escaped me. It was simply too much.
Jacques laughed. "Ce n'est pas mauvais." (what does this mean?? )
"Non," I replied.
In the parlor he pulled out a briefcase and a large stack of cash. He handed me a small fraction of the stack which amounted to €1500. "You've given me too much!" I exclaimed, handing him €400.
"I only work in 500's, my dear," he said. (If he only works in 500 how comes you gave him back 400??)

Walking back to the metro, my legs failed me and I sank down to the curb. I sat there thinking that these types of things never happen in real life. I tried to tell Jacques just how much he had done for me but he (had) casually brushed it off. "It was nothing really..." (you need to come back to the present to tie the beginning of the essay to the end)
But it wasn't (nothing) . I had come to Spain to escape home (why) but then found myself drowning in deeper waters. Nobody I knew could do anything to help me. (might want to rephrase) But a stranger could. In fact, multiple strangers could (how did multiple strangers get into this??) . Although I found myself in a horrible situation (what horrible statement?) , throughout the whole ordeal, I was able to find comfort by striking up conversations on the bus (where did you say this?? you said you were reading an email. ), and opening up to my professors and classmates. I came to Spain a girl--still afraid to trust and be open. But(dont start with but..) I know I will leave this country the young woman I've become. I feel ready for all that lays ahead of me: college, the peace corps, my diplomatic pursuits...I never want to go home, home . Because wherever I may go, I will always be at home among strangers; the world is my intimate family.

This essay needs alot of work. it doesnt answer the prompt completely and it leaves alot to the imagination. far more detail is needed and i advise you to look it over throroughly. feel free to post the revised version of the essay.
Akuhah   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / The Trial; For as long as I can remember, my biggest fear has always been failure. [3]

Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
The Trial
For as long as I can remember, my biggest fear has always been failure. Living in a world where failure is inevitable, you can probably imagine how difficult that can be. Somehow, I managed to succeed in everything that I deemed important. Throughout my high school life, I was known for challenging beliefs, provoking thoughts and leaving no stone unturned in a quest for answers. I had quite the temper and was never afraid to speak exactly what was on my mind despite the circumstances. My methods for success were rather unconventional and some even frowned upon them but it didn't matter, they worked for me.

Despite my mischievous nature, I was an outstanding student and I was elected class monitor in the tenth grade. Being elected meant that I would more than likely be selected as a sub-prefect with the option of becoming a prefect in my senior year as well as in sixth form. I never told anyone but I always saw myself running for Head Girl. Little did I know that my explosive temper would be the catalyst to my first big failure...

I remember it like it was yesterday. It started with a simple misunderstanding. An argument over a seat. Fueled by misdirected rage and poor judgment. Before long, I found myself in a psychical altercation with a fellow classmate. The news traveled fast and students and teachers alike ran to the scene of the dispute in an effort to break up the fight. The next thing I knew I was being hauled off to the principal's office. Blinded by rage, I continued to hurl insults at other student.

Looking back it reminds me of something straight out of an episode of law and order. I sat in the foyer, the holding cell, and tried to collect myself as I wrote my statement. Then it was time for arraignment, the trial would proceed in a two days. We had court appointed lawyers (parents), and the trial went smoothly thanks to the video that a bystander had made. The jury found us both guilty and the judge sentenced us both to one week suspension and one month anger management classes. I was devastated and it didn't end there. The judge added special sentencing for me. 'You just ruined your reputation. A once spotless record now tarnished forever.' She said. 'Turn over your monitor badge and you can forget about running for head girl.'

I spent my suspension in tears and a state of depression. There was nothing anyone could do or say to make it better. I blamed everyone but myself for what had happened. I couldn't see myself ever returning to school to face the people who once held me in high esteem. To see the look of disappointment in their eyes. At the end of one of my anger management, the councilor said to me "Sometimes when we make mistakes, it's because we are destined to learn something important."

That experience taught me a lot. I learnt that it only takes a matter of seconds to make a decision that will change the course that your life. It pays to take a second and think about the consequences of your actions. Though my mistake cost me an opportunity that I can never get back, it also helped to mold me into the person I am today. I have since learnt to control my anger and remain calm during times of great chaos. I serve unofficially on the disciplinary committee and my ability to maintain my composure enables me to enforce school rules while being a confidant for fellow students. I may not wear the badge but I do play the role and for me, that's more than enough. Since then, I have learnt to embrace failure because our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up each time we fail.

Please help me.. any feedback will be greatly appreciated. I have exactly 650 words.
Akuhah   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I have achieved many milestones; Accomplishment or event, formal or informal [5]

I absolutely love this essay.. i haven't finished mine as yet but you have opened my eyes to a new take on this topic. the essay is superbly structured and it has a flow to be reckoned with. It answers the question completely and in a very creative way. the only grammatical error i found was already address so all in all.. you have done a remarkable job.
Akuhah   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / 'president of my school's Newzpaper, The Flame' Stanford extra curricular Elaboration. [6]

Does this sound too corny?? this is a true story btw... and does it matter that i'm over the limit by 16 words??

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit.)

It has always been my dream to become president of my school's Newzpaper, The Flame. As president, it is my responsibility to produce bi-weekly and monthly publications of the Newzletter and Newzpaper. During the last year however, it has become increasingly difficult to do so. As a direct result of the cancellation of the 2012 Christmas edition of The Flame, a club that once had over 50 members now only has one.

Despite the drastic reduction in membership, I am determine to continue to keep the legacy of The Flame. I am unfazed by the fact that I single handedly write, edit and customize the paper and after every stamp of approval from the principal, sell the papers by myself. I remain unfazed because running the Newzpaper has always been my dream and nothing and no one will stand in the way of that dream. After all, hard work, sacrifice and dedication are the fundamentals for the journey to success and I hope to continue that journey at Stanford University.
Akuhah   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / growing up with a sibling - stanford supplement letter to roomate [7]

Thanks for your help. I agree with Sammie.. i think you should focus more on the things that make you the person that you are and how this will affect your relationship with your roommate. I see you wrote some stuff that you like... but you need to include more... think of all the things that you would like to know about your roommate and then share those stuff about you with them. Oh and with the sibling rivalry thing, I think you should soften it a bit as it might make you come off as being selfish and that's definitely not a quality they look for in roommate.
Akuhah   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / high school musical songs - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay [5]

I'm so glad I found this site... I'm not sure if this fits intellectual vitality(what does that even mean??) but this is the essay that i wrote. I am a little over the word limit but i cant see where i can cut it down anymore. Please advise:

Growing up, I was constantly told that I was a precocious child. Flipping through the P section of the dictionary gave the definition:

Precocious (adjective)

1. (of a child) having developed certain abilities or inclinations at an earlier age than is usual or expected.

At ten, I couldn't identify with this adjective and at sixteen, I wondered if I was hearing correctly. I am that girl who is always looking for an adventure, always making people laugh. Disney was my favourite channel until I turned 17. I still know all the words to the high school musical songs. Nevertheless, I was presumed precocious by others.

In the tenth grade, lunch prices rose again. Students and staff members alike were rather disgruntled as the quality of the food and service was substandard. Fellow classmates planned a peaceful strike in retaliation. Unfortunately, it turned into a violent riot, resulting in a number of students being suspended.

The next day, I wrote a letter to the board of directors outlining the issues that needed to be addressed as well as possible solutions. The following week, the head of the board came by the school to meet with the canteen workers and myself. At the end of the meeting, the head of directors turned to me and said, 'I admire the way you addressed this matter. You are a rather precocious child."

This experience taught me something that I feel was vital to my intellectual development. In the heat of the moment; we often forget that there are more than one ways to solve a problem. Once we master the art of identifying these alternate methods, we now possess a skill that will prove to be invaluable as we pave our paths to success, building a firm foundation to propel us towards a brighter future.

As I walked to my class, I smiled to myself. I finally identified with the adjective.
Akuhah   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Bookstore and café - CommonApp Essay (favorite place prompt) [15]

ok.. i read it... and then i read it again.. i can see where persons might say that they find it to be a little boring but thats probably because they dotn really understand what teh library means to you. For me, it shows me that you are a calm soul and it shows your transition from childhood to adulthood by the way you show how you gradually more aware of the world and the other people in it. I think its a good essay.
Akuhah   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Bursting My Bubble - "Intellectual Vitality" Stanford Supplement [11]

hey, i struggles with my intellectual vitality essay as well. I think you did very well on yours though. the idea is to show them what simple thing has had a profound impact on your life. The innovative thinking was a good way to show it and the fact that its something the average person can relate to makes it interesting. your roommate essay was a bit laid back but i didnt get some parts like the reference to the tree (fear it).
Akuhah   
Dec 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Human rights advocate - Stanford Roommate Letter Essay [3]

Please help... really nervous about my application to stanford>> here is my letter to my roommate... i accept all advice

Dear Roomie,
You know that girl? That girl who loves writing so much, she has a collection of diaries dating back to the sixth grade? That girl whose long term memory is pristine but her short term memory is just - SHORT? Yea you know the one. That outspoken girl who has as much fun being the life of the party as she does reading a good book or having a heart to heart with her roommate? That girl is me.

I'm a native Jamaican, born and bred. I am always interested in learning new things and exploring new places. I am rather loquacious but I listen twice as much and I can guarantee that even if I can't fix your problems, I can take your mind off them. How will I do that? By teaching you various Jamaican sayings and singing Bob Marley's everything's gonna be alright at the top of my lungs until you sing along. Speaking of singing, I love karaoke and all genres of music. I'm a Swiftie, Lovatic, Selenator, Usher, T.I. and Ludacris fan. I'm a night owl; I find that I do my best work during the moonlit hours. That said, I'm not a morning person, my alarm clock is jealous of the relationship I have with my bed.

I'm an advocate for human rights and I will try anything at least once. Simply stated, I'm a bit complicated but I'm like an open book that you never want to put down. The best part is, this chapter is just beginning and I hope that you will help me with the story-line, creating memories that will last a lifetime.

P.s. My name is Tijuana. (yes it's Mexican but the only Spanish I know is Hola and Adios!)
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